Outside the Lines

by Caitlin Ricci

  "It's okay to still care," I quietly said.

  They were frowning as they looked over at me. "Even after what he did?"

  "Yes. What he did was horrible. But if you still care about him, that doesn't change anything about what happened. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it definitely doesn't mean that you had some part to play in it."

  Trin silently laid their head against my shoulder. "I may need you to remind me of that a few hundred more times before I really start to believe you. I still feel like I could have stopped it so many times."

  "You were a child. You couldn't have stopped anything." I was adamant about that.

  Trin glanced up at me. "What would you have done?"

  I already knew that answer without even having to think about it. "I would have crumbled. I'm not smart like you, or brave like you. I wouldn't have been able to run away, and the abuse would have lasted a long time. I'd probably be a screwed up adult with a horrible history. If I even lived this long."

  "If you were wondering, I didn't have a gender before all of that started either. Who I am isn't tied to what he did at all."

  I hadn't even considered that, but I was glad about that. "Shopping for you as a child must have been a pain," I joked.

  Trin gave me a weak smile. "I was confused and hurt even before things started. That just made it worse."

  "Of course it did. It couldn't not."

  Trin took my hand. "I never liked it. I never wanted it. I know you don't need to know that but I need to say it. I get kids all the time who are told that they liked it because they didn't say anything, and I know that's wrong but I still need you to know that I didn't want it, even though I only told my dad what was happening once."

  Trin was crying, and I put my arm around their shoulders as they sobbed. I kissed them on top of their head. "I know you didn't. And I hate when people say that about any victim of sexual trauma, regardless of their age. You didn't want it. You didn't ask for it. There was nothing about what happened that you are at fault for in any way. He was a monster who abused you for years, and if you hadn't run away, then he would have probably raped you, and that wouldn't have been your fault either. Nothing that happened was because of anything that you did or didn't do. You were a helpless child at the mercy of someone much older than you who should have never done anything to you."

  "I need to hear you say all of that again soon," Trin quietly whimpered.

  "I'll say it as often as you need me to until you start to believe it too," I promised.

  Trin nodded and I held them until their tears subsided.

  Chapter Eight

  Trin

  As much as I wanted to stay there with Alex all day, I need to go back home eventually. At the very least, I needed to talk to Andy.

  "Hey," I said as I came into the townhouse to find Andy in the kitchen cutting up a watermelon. "We need to talk about some stuff."

  "Really? That's the line you're going to use with me? It's not you, it's me, is almost as bad. You know, if you were looking for some horrible way to break my heart."

  I needed to back up, and quickly too. "It's nothing bad, and I'm not here to break your heart. But I do have some news."

  "Which is?"

  "Will you sit down first? I don't love that you're holding a knife and looking pissed off at the same time," I told him.

  He shook his head. "No, I'm okay right here like this. So what's your news?"

  Well alright then. I guess we could do this while we were standing in the kitchen too. "Alex wants us to move in with him. And that little girl that I told you about that has been through so many foster homes. Sally. He wants all of us to move into a house with him."

  Andy just stared at me.

  "You'd need your foster parent approval first," I said. He needed to know it wasn't going to be easy transition for any of us.

  "We are what and the what now?"

  Sitting down for this would have been a much better idea. "Let's go to the couch."

  "Yeah..." He forgot the fruit and followed me over there. "You want to move in with him? Already?" Andy asked me as soon as we were sitting down.

  Maybe it was sudden. It felt that way to me too. "Yes, eventually. After you're both approved to be foster parents. Or at least approved to have a foster child living in the house with us."

  "Trin, I know you're comfortable around him. And you seem like you love him too. But I've only spent a few minutes with him. And we were talking about you the whole time. I'm not ready to move in with him. I don't even know him."

  "We have time for that," I said as reassuringly as possible as I took his hand in mine. "He'll come over and we'll have dinner at least a few times. If you aren't ready when everything else is, then we'll wait until you are. If you want to move in with us. I do want you there. I want to be able to make sure that you're okay and that you have someone nearby when your mom decides to try to make you feel like crap."

  Andy rolled his eyes. "You may end up having a roommate for the rest of your life then because I don't think she's ever going to change her ways."

  I had a feeling that wouldn't be happening anytime soon either. "I know. And we'll get through it. Together."

  Andy smiled at me and draped his arm over my shoulders. "You realize it's only been about a week. Right? You don't think you're rushing this?"

  I wasn't sure if I was or not. "I think that if we were going to be moving in together tomorrow, that would be rushing it. I think that if he had proposed tonight, that would have been far too much for me to be able to handle. But we're talking close to a year, probably, before he would be able to be approved to be a foster parent, and also he would have to get a house before then too. So we've all got some time to adjust to the idea of us all living together."

  "Good. I need every minute of that time. You know I don't trust easily."

  "Neither do I. It's going to be a lot to handle. But Alex is a good guy."

  "He must be, for you to be so in love with him."

  I did love him. And that was okay. And even if the idea of moving in with him scared me right now, I knew that we could make it work too if we took our time and went slowly. I thought that would be the key to all of this. Going slowly. I'd had four years to build up my trust with Alex. Andy would need some time to see that he was a good guy too. That he could be trusted and that he wouldn't hurt any of us.

  *~*~*

  Alex came over for dinner a few nights later. I made a salad. Andy fixed the spaghetti and meatballs. Alex brought flowers and some chocolate covered strawberries.

  We ate the strawberries on the couch together with me in the middle, and we were still eating them long after dinner was over because he'd thought to bring so many of them. "Thank you for thinking of these," I said when the second box was nearly gone.

  Alex had only had a few. Andy had tried, and failed, not to eat nearly as many as I had. "You're welcome. I remembered how much you liked chocolate and fresh fruit back at the shelter, and the flower store that sells them is on my way home from work."

  Andy gave me a wink. When Alex brushed his fingers over my thigh, I blushed, but I didn't pull away from him. I looked up to find him watching me intently. "Is this okay?" he asked me. I nodded. I didn't readily give affection, or receive it, in front of other people. But my goal was to have us all living together, which meant that a simple touch from Alex was going to have to be okay for all of us. I didn't want things to be weird between any of us while we were all living together, and I didn't want to have to censor myself or my relationship with him to accommodate anyone else. Especially in my own home.

  Then I thought about Sally and how she might handle seeing two adults being affectionate to each other, and I started to get worried. Her foster parents had surely hugged or kissed in front of her before. They had to have. And that gave me some hope. We'd have to go slow with her around. And we'd have to be careful. But I knew if we all tried, then we could all make it work. I had to know how much Alex was willing
to put up with though.

  "Are you really going to be okay living with Sally too? Andy is easy to get along with. I know you won't have any problems there. But I'm worried about Sally," I quietly admitted.

  "Why are you so worried about it?"

  I didn't like sharing other people's secrets, but at the same time, there were things both Andy and Alex had to know about if Sally was going to be living with us, and maybe, from what I’d said earlier, Alex already knew some of what I was going to say. "Sally's trauma has to do with adults and water, and also sexual abuse. Her main issue though is the water."

  Alex looked angry. He had experience dealing with traumatized kids so I was sure he was able to figure out what had happened to her. Andy shook his head. "I don't even want to know. So what do you need from us?"

  I loved them both so much, in very different ways. "You need to wear clothes and not make her feel bad about not getting clean." I turned to Alex. "I don't know how much affection she'll be okay seeing between us. That's what I'm worried about."

  "I don't want to not be able to touch you," Alex said.

  "I know. I absolutely do. And I want to touch you too. But maybe not intense kissing in front of her?" I didn't really know what kind of limits to put on us and how we were going to be in front of people, especially her.

  Alex gently kissed me then took my hand in his. "I'm not actually all that interested in displays of affection. I want to hold your hand, and to be able to kiss you like I just did, but more than that isn't something I want to be sharing with other people. No offense, Andy."

  Andy snorted. "I'm really okay not seeing more than that. And I'll keep anything I do to a minimum outside of the bedroom as well."

  "I think some things should be kept private," Alex went on to say.

  I smiled at him and absolutely agreed with him. I thought we'd be able to make this work perfectly then.

  Chapter Nine

  Nine months later

  Alex

  I hadn't been sure about moving in with other people again after my ex, but nine months after I'd asked Trin to move in with me at some distant point in time, we were actually doing it. Everything was set up exactly how I'd wanted it, though I was sure that would all be changing as soon as people started making the house I'd bought their own as well. It was mine, and they were paying rent, though I could afford it on my own if I needed to. I had hope that things with Trin would never weaken, but I needed that safety net for my own peace of mind after having to leave the house with my ex in it because I couldn't have afforded that on my own.

  With Trin and Andy moving in, we had twenty-four hours before Sally would be joining us as well. She even had her own bathroom. Trin had assured me that she would feel safer that way, since none of us could bother her then.

  I'd been waiting nine months to be able to get Trin to live with me. I'd done all the paperwork, the house visits, the background checks. Everything. I was officially a foster parent, and I had the agency's blessing and their thanks. I was just worried about making sure that Trin was happy. I never wanted them to be scared or worried about anything ever again.

  I went to the door as Trin and Andy pulled up and the moving truck was right behind them. They hadn't had a lot of stuff, but apparently they hadn't wanted to move it all themselves either. I didn't blame them. I couldn't stand moving, and I'd had to rush through the last of the boxes to be able to get everything out so that they could move in without having to get around all of my stuff.

  Trin came up to me and gave me a hug and I held onto them for as long as I could while Andy talked to the movers. "I'm so glad you're here," I said before kissing them. Their hair was up in a bun today, keeping it off their shoulders and neck.

  "I should go help Andy," they said, pulling away from me. "He might not know where everything goes."

  But I held onto their hand and gave them a little tug. "I want to show you something first. Please?"

  Still Trin hesitated. "He'll be fine. I promise," I said. I gave their hand another little tug, and this time, they did come with me. I took them out to the back yard and over to a tall aspen tree. At its base, I'd made a little raised bed garden. I'd painted the outside walls purple, and I'd filled it with the best soil I could buy until it was the perfect little garden.

  "Neither of us are good with plants. Remember?"

  I did remember. Of course I did. We never had finished our trip through the botanic gardens. "It's not for us."

  Trin lifted their eyebrows at me. "Then who is this garden for?"

  I came behind them and gave them a hug from behind. "I spoke with Matilda last week and asked her what she thought would make Sally feel most at home here. Apparently, she likes flowers. I thought, after she gets settled in some, that we could all go to a nursery and she could pick some flowers out for her little garden back here. I thought it would be a nice way to welcome her home."

  Trin's shoulders shook and I kissed them on the back of their head.

  "You're a good man, Alex."

  I was thrilled that they thought so. "I'm trying to be."

  Andy interrupted us a few minutes later, while I was busy kissing Trin.

  "Uh... People?"

  I reluctantly pulled away from Trin. "What's up, Andy?"

  "One of the movers needs to use the bathroom. Where is it?"

  Chuckling, I kissed Trin again, then we started heading inside. "I guess it's time I gave you all the tour then."

  "Sounds like it," Trin said as they held onto my hand.

  I was glad when Andy went to bed early that night, leaving Trin and me hanging out in the living room together with the fire going.

  "How are you handling this?" I asked them. They'd been quiet all day, but we'd also been busy getting everything unpacked too. Now there was a large pile of cardboard boxes in the garage and things in every corner of the house.

  "Did you figure out that I'm a bit overwhelmed?"

  I smiled and slipped my hand under the bottom of their shirt. They'd worn a t-shirt and shorts today. "A little." I stroked my fingers over their stomach.

  "I'm glad I'm here. That we're all here," Trin quietly said.

  "But?" I kissed the side of their neck.

  "It's a big change."

  Yes, it was. It was a good change though, one I was looking forward to, because it brought me Trin. I slid my hand over their ribs to their chest where I was able to tease their nipples with my gentle touches.

  "What if Andy comes back down?" Trin asked me as they buried their face in the crook of my arm.

  "Do you want to go upstairs? Or should I stop?"

  Trin shook their head. "Neither. I don't know."

  Upstairs it was. I knew how to turn them on, but I didn't want them to get embarrassed or regret anything between us if Andy did happen to see us together. We were always careful and we kept what we did together private. That was important for both of us.

  "What about the fire?" Trin asked me as I started to take them upstairs.

  I shrugged. "It'll go out soon. I'll check it in a little bit too."

  "Okay."

  Trin had already put all of their things away in the bedroom we'd be sharing so it no longer felt like it was just mine. I'd had two months where the house had only been mine, and Trin and Andy had come to visit plenty of times. But there hadn't been a big push to move all of their stuff in until today. Trin closed the door behind us and I watched, fascinated, in the change in them as they were no longer shy about their own body with me.

  Trin stripped out of their clothes easily then lay down naked next to me as if we'd always been like this and there had never been any reason to be self-conscious. I loved touching their pale skin and playing with their hair. It was so long. Now that we were alone and no longer working on anything, I undid their hair and let it fall around their shoulders.

  I loved everything about them, from their careful, guarded smile, to the way they sometimes still asked me if I cared how they looked when we were going out as
if I had any right to tell them to wear a dress or not. They were still cautious at times. And I loved that about them, not because it meant that we still had a lot of work to do together, but because it showed how far we'd come. I could have never imagined little Socks ever being the Trin that I had lying next to me in our bed right then. Socks had been a frightened child so full of mistrust and pain. I'd spent four years earning their trust and trying to keep their demons at bay. It seemed that I'd been able to help, even just a little, because Trin had come back to maybe one of the few places they'd ever truly felt safe in order to find me again.

  I didn't deserve Trin's love, but I wanted to work hard for it and prove to them that I was worth the trust that they'd placed in me, first as Socks and now as Trin. "What did I do to deserve you?" I whispered.

  Trin smiled at me, in a sleepy kind of way, and just shrugged. "Plenty of things. Years of them all built up over the past nine months, and then four years before that. But the first thing you did, the thing that really got my attention, was back in that alley."

  I remembered the moment when I had first met them, but I didn't have any idea what I had done. "And what was that?"

  "You could have grabbed me, you could have picked me up and tossed me into the back seat. It would have been for my own good, but it would have scared me even more. I was terrified of what you wanted to do to me and instead of yelling at me, or insisting, or trying to trick me in some way you instead compromised. You drove your car next to me as slow as you could possibly go and that's how I knew I could trust you."

  Of course I wouldn't have forced them. That would have likely been a disaster for us both. I would have probably gotten punched. They could have easily broken my nose while trying to get away, even as small as they had been back then. "I had no idea what I was doing that night."

  Trin giggled. "I noticed. You were trying really hard though. And then you became my best friend. I was a kid who didn't know how to trust anyone again, and you figured out how to get me to trust you."

  They reached for me and I took their hand across the sheets. "And then you came back into my life and I fell in love with you all over again."