Beyond the Pale

by Jennifer Millikin

  “She didn’t read those when you lived here?”

  I shake my head. “She must’ve started that after Ted died.”

  Finn walks over so he’s standing beside me. Dipping his head to the side, he begins reading off the titles. “Roping The Cowboy. Taming The Stallion. His Wild Heart.” A soft chuckle escapes his chest.

  I laugh with him. “They’re probably good. What the hell do I know?”

  Finn lifts his head and turns to me. “Do you still read?”

  “Not as much as I used to.”

  “Why not?”

  He’s so close to me, shoulder to shoulder. The scent coming off his shirt is heavenly. It makes me want to bury my face in his chest.

  I shrug. “No particular reason. Maybe I was burnt out after college.”

  I grab a box, and Finn loads up his arms with a stack from the shelf. He takes a book off the top and holds it up.

  “Why don’t you give it a try?”

  I give him a look. “No thanks.”

  He holds up the book so that it’s beside his face. “Why not? This dude resembles me. You could picture me as the hero while you’re reading it.” He pushes the book into my hands. “And when it gets to the sexy scenes…” Finn has one free hand now, which means he has five free fingers. And now he’s using those fingers to skim the length of my arm. “You can keep picturing me.”

  “Finn.” His name on my lips becomes a plea.

  “What do you want, Lennon?”

  I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. There’s another sound in the room, and it didn’t come from either of us.

  Brady. He’s standing in the doorway, one hand gripping the doorframe. He clears his throat a second time.

  Finn drops his hand. I hold out the box, waiting for him to drop the books inside. Brady strides into the room. He walks to the ancient printer and slightly newer computer, settling down onto the ground and reaching around to the back, where a complicated-looking set of wires snake their way over the carpet.

  This isn’t a big room, and suddenly it feels smaller. It’s brimming with unanswered questions, churning with confusion, threatening to spill frustration out into the hallway. If only I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. Avoidance won’t make this all better, but the temporary salve it provides is soothing.

  We work quickly and efficiently. The work is made easier by the fact that I’m not planning on keeping anything. When I come across something that belonged to Ted, I set it aside. I have plans for his things.

  The doorbell rings and I stand, wiping my dusty hands onto my shorts. “I think that’s good, guys. I can’t take anymore.”

  “What about the desk?” Brady asks.

  I pause in the doorway. My eyes flicker over to the mahogany desk. Last week that wood was probably gleaming, but now it’s dull from a thin coating of dust. Such is life in the desert.

  “I’ll finish it another time,” I say, then walk away to get the door.

  Leaving the guys behind, I hurry through the house. I pull open the door and let out a shout of shock and utter happiness.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, pulling Laine into me. I hug her hard, and she hugs me back with the same force.

  She pulls back, a proud smile on her face. “I knew better than to listen to you. Like I would…” Her gaze goes over my shoulder, her sentence petering out.

  She sends me a quick glance with raised eyebrows, then sidesteps me and walks into the house with her arm outstretched.

  “Hi,” I hear her say behind me as I close the door. When I turn around, Laine’s shaking Brady’s hand but looking at Finn.

  “I’m Lennon’s roommate in Dallas,” she says, offering a polite smile to each of them. She takes her hand back from Brady, only to place it in Finn’s offered palm. “And you are?”

  “Finn,” he answers, glancing my way. “Lennon’s first best friend.” He grins rakishly at me, his words taunting Brady while also staking his claim to me.

  Laine laughs, tucking her hair behind her ear and looking to Brady. “And you? Runner-up best friend?”

  Brady scoffs. “Hardly. I saw her first.” He glowers at Finn, but there’s some playfulness in the glance. At least, I think I see it there.

  “Brady Sterling,” he tells Laine, his voice smooth and his chin dipping slightly as he says his name. He’s well-bred and mannered, and it shows.

  Laine tips her head to the side. “Ah, yes. I do believe Lennon has mentioned you both on occasion.”

  Two injured gazes fall to me.

  Walking forward, I loop my arm through Laine’s and pull her into me. I didn’t want her to come, and yet I’m ecstatic she’s here. I needed her, and even though I didn’t know it, she knew it.

  Looking at the two hurt faces in front of me, I say, “Don’t get your feelings hurt. I’ve talked about you plenty.”

  Their combined relief makes my core feel warm. They both wanted me to talk about them, to consider them, to want them, even after all our time apart.

  “So…” Laine draws out the word. “What were y’all doing before I showed up?”

  I glance at Finn, remembering the feel of his fingertips on my skin. Goosebumps pop up on my arms. “Going through my mom’s office.”

  Laine makes a face. “Sounds like a good time.”

  I blow out a short breath. “Hardly.”

  “What are you going to do now? Is there another room you need help with?” She pretends to push up her sleeves. “Put me to work.”

  Brady and Finn look to me, waiting for my answer even though we’ve already agreed to be done for now.

  I shake my head. “We’re done for today.”

  Laine claps her hands. “Well, since you don’t intend to capitalize on my offer, how about you show me something Arizona-ish?”

  Finn points out front, a grin spreading across his face. “There are some cacti out there.”

  Laine wrinkles her nose. “Not what I meant.”

  Brady snaps his fingers, his eyes glittering with excitement. “I know exactly where to take you.” Glancing down at his watch, he asks, “Can you all be ready at six?”

  “Where are we going?” Finn and I ask at the same time.

  Brady steps forward, lifting a finger and poking the end of my nose with it. “It’s a surprise.” He turns to Finn, using the same finger to poke the end of his nose. Finn bats it away, but Brady’s too fast for him. “It’s a surprise for you too, sugar lips.”

  Finn smirks. “It’s bull-riding, isn’t it?”

  Brady scowls.

  Finn pumps a fist because he doesn’t need Brady to confirm he has guessed correctly.

  Brady sidesteps Laine and me, heading for the front door. He looks back at us after he opens it, pointing a finger at us in turn.

  “I’ll be back here at six. Finn, do you want me to pick you up?”

  “No, thanks, I’ll drive.”

  “Suit yourself. You coming?” He steps through, holding open the door and looking at Finn with raised eyebrows.

  “I might stick around for a bit.”

  Brady stiffens, only slightly, and maybe I’m the only one who notices.

  “You know what?” I step away from Laine and wind an arm around Finn. He looks down at me, and for a moment I’m disarmed by his gaze.

  Recovering quickly, I tell him he should go. “Laine and I need a little girl time, and I’m sure she’d like a chance to rest and freshen up after her flight.”

  “What? I have fifty questions for Laine. I’m ready to learn all about her childhood, starting with her first memory. What about—”

  “Bye, Finn.” I steer him toward the door.

  Laine and Brady laugh and Finn shakes his head in defeat.

  They wave goodbye and I close the door behind them. Laine follows me to the front window. Through the sheer curtains, we watch them walk across the yard.

  Laine looks at me sideways. “Should I tell Brady I’ve watched bull-riding for years, and that includes dati
ng a bull-rider?”

  “Hah!” I laugh. “You can tell him if you want. He’ll think it’s funny.”

  As we watch, Finn gives Brady a playful shove, and Brady makes fists, pretending to box.

  Their antics make me smile. “Brady is prudent and considerate. He left to give us time together. Finn doesn’t think that way.” As I watch, Finn pauses in his open car door, saying something to Brady. He gestures wildly, his arms moving around. I smile as I watch him. “He’s always ready for more.”

  “More of what?” Laine asks as we watch them climb in their cars and close the doors.

  Brady pulls away first. Finn backs out of my driveway, looking directly into the window where Laine and I stand. He gives me a salute and drives away.

  I shrug. “More of everything. More time, more fun, more conversation, more love—”

  “More you?” Laine’s question pelts me like a shot from a pellet gun.

  I stare at her. “What?”

  “You heard me.” Her eyebrow raises, the question in her voice getting louder.

  “I heard you. I was asking for explanation.” I come around the back of the couch, sinking down into the overstuffed cushions. Laine follows.

  Taking my hands in hers, she turns to me and stares lovingly into my eyes. Then she opens her mouth and says, “You stupid, stupid girl.”

  I make a face.

  “They love you.”

  “We’ve been friends forever. Of course we love each other.”

  She shakes her head. “They’re in love with you.”

  Automatically I shake my head, and I hate that it’s my knee-jerk response. To deny love. To deny that someone could possibly love me. Even when I know, deep down in my heart, that they’re in love with me.

  “We’ve always been this way. We’re like ivy, you know? We grew together—” Pulling my hands from hers, I gesture in the air, my fingers undulating and intertwining. “We’re so wrapped up in each other, I don’t know if we could ever unravel. If being back here has shown me anything, it’s that eight years apart hasn’t done anything but make us wish we hadn’t gone our separate ways.”

  Laine leans back, the back of her head resting against the armrest. She stretches out her legs until she’s taken over the length of the couch. I inch my way farther into the cushions to give her more space.

  “I feel like we’re settling in for a long winter’s nap.”

  “I’m tired,” Laine admits. “But I’m more interested in hearing about this love triangle of yours.”

  I scoff, but I know she’s right. “Love triangle sounds sordid. Like I’m hooking up with both of them. I don’t think that’s what this really is.”

  Laine snorts. “Oh yes it is. And it’s even juicier than the soap operas your mom watched. It’s the friend element, you know?”

  Suddenly my brain turns into Monet, painting the picture for me with skill and precision. I see the three of us, Brady and I with our dark hair and Finn, dirty-blonde and wild-looking. Beyond the pale! We’d chant what the old lady called us, because the day after my scorpion sting, Brady asked his mom what the saying meant, and we wore it like a badge. Outrageous and intolerable. Outside the limits of acceptable behavior. If we weren’t beyond the pale before that, we made it our mission to encompass the words. We raced our bikes down hills, jumped from the slanted roof of Brady’s house into the pool below, and walked barefoot on flaming hot concrete in the middle of summer. Looking back, our behavior probably doesn’t qualify as beyond the pale, but back then it felt that way, and I guess it doesn’t really matter if it was true, as long as we believed it to be.

  “What are you going to do?” Laine’s face is worried, her eyes scrunching. “You have to choose.”

  “I can’t.” I shake my head so adamantly that my hair falls in my face and tickles my nose.

  “Maybe not right now. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday soon.”

  “I can’t choose.”

  “Which one of them are you in love with?”

  Brady. Finn. Brady and Finn.

  “Both. I love them both.”

  “I know you love them both.” Laine places her soft, warm palm on my forearm. Her eyes hold pity, as though she’d never wish this decision on anybody. “But who are you in love with?”

  For this question, I have no answer. I want them both, I can’t imagine a day without either of them. Maybe I’m selfish, but the eventuality of not having one of them keeps me from choosing. Because what would happen to one, if I chose the other? I’d break our triangle. Our friendship has kept me afloat all these years.

  “Do you think it’s possible for me to be in love with both?”

  Laine tips her head up, then lowers it down slowly. “Yes. But I don’t think it’s fifty-fifty.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but Laine stops me. “You might think it’s even. It’s clear you can’t stand the thought of hurting either one. But it’s not even. It can’t be. Maybe you don’t know who the scale is tipped toward, but I think your heart is well aware. And one day, maybe your heart will deliver that message to your brain. And hopefully it’s not too late either, because Brady and Finn are good men, and you know who like good men?”

  I look at her blankly.

  “All women. That’s who. All women like good men.”

  I blow out a hard breath and gaze out the front window.

  Maybe Laine’s wrong. Maybe Brady and Finn aren’t in love with me. Maybe one is and one isn’t.

  Except I’m certain that’s not true. In my heart, I know they are both in love with me. They wouldn’t have come back here if they weren’t.

  I need to talk to them, but how? How do I start a conversation like that? And when? Soon. But not tomorrow.

  Tomorrow’s focus is the funeral.

  17

  Then

  “We did it!” I squeal, finding Finn in the crowd of polyester gowns. I throw my arms around him, squeezing tightly. When I pull away, I frown at what I see.

  He’s making a face, and when he knows he has my attention, he places a palm on his heart, adopting an earnest expression. “This is the first day of the rest of our lives. We can be anything we want. Leaders, visionaries, social justice warriors.” He makes his voice dramatic as he mimics the speech given by our valedictorian.

  I roll my eyes and smack his arm with my diploma. “You can be excited, Finn. You don’t have to be too cool for everything.”

  Finn sheds his navy blue gown and throws it over his forearm. He’s wearing his favorite shorts, the ones with two holes in the bottom of the left leg. Most of the guys wore a collared shirt, but not Finn. His plain white T-shirt announces his indifference and mild distaste of the pomp and circumstance.

  Behind Finn’s head, I catch sight of my mom waving me over. She and Ted stand on the platform of the bleachers. She’s wearing a pale pink pantsuit, and Ted wears a gray suit with a yellow and white gingham tie.

  I hold up one finger, telling her I’ll be there in a minute. Finn turns to see who I’m gesturing to.

  He turns back around and leans in to my ear. “He must be sweating like a whore in church.”

  Laughter bursts from me. Finn grins, proud of his joke.

  Mom waves again, so I hook my arm around Finn’s and pull him across the football field and over the track until we’re standing below them. It’s graduation night; my mom has to be nice to Finn, right?

  “Hello, Mrs. Blake. Pastor Blake.”

  My mom gives Finn a tight smile. Ted leans down, extending a hand. “Congratulations, Finn. Do you have plans for college?”

  “Finn’s going to Stanford on a full ride,” I answer before he can, looking at my mother pointedly. I can’t stand the way she turns up her nose at him. As if she wasn’t trailer trash until her white knight showed up and whisked her to lower-middle-class suburbia.

  Ted nods his head approvingly. “Nice work. I’m sure your uncle is proud.”

  Finn nods, looking around the crowd. Probably for his uncle, al
though it’s pointless. His uncle rarely makes it to school events, and even though I know he came tonight, he wouldn’t have stuck around. Crowds make him uncomfortable.

  “Can Finn come with us to dinner?” I direct the question at Ted, because he’s more likely to say yes, but Finn interjects.

  “I have plans, Lennon.”

  I turn to him, bewildered. “Plans? With who?”

  “I told Brady I’d come over.”

  “Oh.” My feelings are instantly hurt.

  “Thanks, though. Enjoy dinner. Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Blake.”

  Finn takes a few steps away, and he’s quickly swallowed into the crowd of navy blue gowns.

  “Meet us at the restaurant, Lennon?” Ted’s smiling at me.

  “Sure,” I agree, and go off in the direction of my car. We drove separately because I had to be here early, which makes me realize that Finn doesn’t have a ride home. I picked him up on my way here.

  When I get to my car, I grab my phone from my purse and call him.

  “How are you getting to Brady’s?” I ask when he answers.

  “John’s dropping me off.”

  My lips purse. John’s the only other person I’d call Finn’s friend, and he’s the kind of friend Finn grabs lunch with sometimes, but has never been invited to Finn’s home. A school friend, as Finn calls him. Not a life friend.

  I end the call quickly and consider calling Brady to suss out what they’re up to. In the end, I decide against it.

  Trinity had their graduation tonight too, otherwise Brady would’ve been here, watching Finn and I toss our caps into the air. Or watching me do that, anyway. Finn’s too cool to show that level of excitement. It bums me out that Finn and I didn’t get to see Brady in his brick-red gown, or the proud smile on his face. It’s even more of a bummer we didn’t all graduate from the same school.

  What else won’t we do together anymore? I wasn’t invited to whatever it is Brady and Finn are doing right now. We’re going to different colleges, in different states, and what if tonight's the beginning of the end?

  When I get to the restaurant, I carefully tuck my despondency behind a happy exterior. I play the part of proud graduate. Ted is friendly and borderline boisterous, chatting with other parents from the tables around us. Two members of Ted’s congregation come up to say hello, and my mother becomes animated. They leave when our food is delivered.