The Lousy Zombie, Book 1: Clueless Jasper

by Mark Mulle

DAY 9

  I hid inside a cave today. It was only two feet tall and two feet wide on each side. Even if I hated the sticky webs as a bed, I’m beginning to miss it. I know I miss Sissy and the others, at least.

  A spotted a few mobs today, but none of the Spiders were kids like Sissy, Gary and Clyde had been. When I asked if they knew anyone by that name, they gave me a weird look and told me to get lost.

  “Go frolic with your other Zombie pals!” one of the Spiders hissed at me.

  The word “pals” almost made me want to cry, but I did my best not to and ran off. I’m in the plains now. There’s not a tree in sight, but there are tons of horses, cows and pigs. I don’t know what to do. It feels almost impossible to find Sissy and the others. I feel so lost. I guess I’ll just have to go wherever my feet take me.

  DAY 10

  I didn’t find Sissy, but I did bump into a strange group today: Creepers. I never interacted with Creepers before, so when one of them found me sulking near a pool of water, I was shocked.

  “Hey, what’s the matter with you, kid?” a male adult Creeper asked me. “Aren’t you, like, supposed to be attacking a village now or something?”

  I groaned.

  “Attacking villages isn’t my thing,” I told him flatly. “Just leave me alone.”

  I was in a pretty crummy mood around that time. I had tried searching for Sissy again, but to no avail. I guess that doesn’t give me a reason to be rude to people, but there I was scowling and kicking at the water, hoping this guy would just give me a break.

  He did not. Instead, he smiled shyly and sat next to me.

  “Oh, it’s not your thing?” he asked curiously. “I always thought it was, well, built in a Zombie’s DNA to do stuff like that. Kinda like how it’s in my DNA to blow up when I’m near an enemy. Weird, right?”

  I straightened up.

  “That’s not nearly as weird as how Zombies run with their arms in front of them,” I retorted. “It’s so pointless. At least you blowing up can actually defeat a human.”

  The Creeper man snorted.

  “Yeah, to what? Die along with him?” he said.

  I looked at him. It was the first time I‘d heard a monster joke around about what his mob did. I squinted at him.

  “You think Creepers like yourself are weird?” I asked.

  If the Creeper had shoulders, he probably would have shrugged. The next best thing he did was sheepishly look to the side and nod his head.

  “Well, everyone does weird things now and then,” he said. “Zombies run with their arms in front of them and Creepers blow themselves up. No mob is perfect after all, right?”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “So…do you not like being a Creeper?” I said. “Is that what you’re saying?”

  This time the Creeper furiously shook his head.

  “What? Of course not!” he said. “Being a Creeper has its good points, too, you know! For one, the moment a human sees us, they just plain run. I find it so funny seeing them scared out of their pants like that! Best part is, they can’t hear us coming! It’s a riot! I would appreciate not dying every time I attack someone, but you just can’t have everything. You have to accept your flaws and junk. At least, that’s what my wife always says.”

  “I never thought of it that way…” I murmured.

  The area was pretty quiet. A gentle breeze was making the grass sway to the left. The water in front of me rippled. The Creeper smiled gently.

  So, kid, are you going to tell me what you’re doing here?” he asked. “Since you’re not doing that Zombie thing you guys do.”

  I sighed.

  “Well…I don’t know, really,” I said. “I lost my friends a while back. We…we got attacked by a human. I was going to help them, but my friend made me stay back. They disappeared and, well, I tried to attack the human as well. I died and then respawned. Now I’m here. My friends aren’t anywhere.”

  The Creeper’s expression saddened.

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. “But I’m sure your Zombie pals will be around. Don’t worry!”

  “Oh, they’re not Zombies,” I said. “They’re Spiders.”

  The Creeper’s eyes widened in surprise.

  “Spiders?” he asked. “What were you doing with Spiders?”

  My cheeks burned bright red. I looked to the side.

  “I was, err…trying to learn how to be one,” I said hesitantly.

  What I was expecting next was a howl of laughter, like what I usually get from other mobs, but the Creeper merely blinked his eyes and smiled.

  “That’s…weird,” he said. “But also kind of cool. How exactly were you learning to be a Spider?”

  I went into detail about how I had been unhappy with my old home and how I ran. I then told him about Sissy and how she offered to teach me to be a Spider because I was a lousy Zombie. I mentioned how I learned how to climb trees using webs, how Sissy was teaching me how to take enemies on by surprise…

  “But then the human attacking happened,” I said. “So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back to being a lousy Zombie.”

  The Creeper didn’t once laugh at my story. When I had finished, he was thoughtfully quiet.

  “I’ll be honest,” he said. “I’ve never heard a story like that before. On the other hand, that’s pretty cool. I never thought a mob could learn how to do a skill not meant for him. Maybe, just maybe, you can be of good use to us.”

  I looked at him curiously.

  “Good use?” I asked.

  The Creeper man stood up and smiled at me.

  “Hey, kid,” he said. “If you can learn how to partially be a Spider, I don’t see why you can’t learn how to be a Creeper. Are you interested? I don’t think you can learn how to explode, but I’m pretty sure stuff like sneaking can be taught to a smarty-pants like you.”

  I tried to hide my enthusiasm, but failed.

  “Wait…you mean it?” I asked.

  “Sure!” he said. “I don’t see why Spiders should have all the fun. Here, I’ll show you my wife and kids. It’s getting bright out anyways. Maybe we can arrange something for tomorrow.”

  I know I had only been with Sissy, Gary and Clyde for a couple of days, but the feeling of being with another kind group of monsters felt nostalgic. I hoped Sissy and the others were alright, too. Right now, I’m in another cave, this time with the Creeper’s family. They don’t need to hide during daylight, but they wanted to get to know me.

  The Creeper I met is named John. His wife is Cindy and they have two kids named Billy and Candace. They’re really nice folks. I’m lucky to have met them. I feel a little better about being lost like this, too.

  DAY 11

  John tried to teach me how to sneak around quietly today. I…pretty much failed. No matter what I seem to do, I’m always going to make a sound. Cindy reassured me this was fine.

  “It’s because of your body,” she said. “Zombies were made in order to be heavy and tough so they could withstand damage. Creepers are naturally light so we don’t make a sound at all.”

  I still felt pretty bad about it.

  “Don’t give up, champ,” John told me as he nudged me encouragingly. “What’s today when there’s tomorrow to try it all out again, eh?”

  “I guess you have a point,” I mumbled.

  I met a few other Creepers today, too, but they all looked at me weirdly.

  “You do realize it takes a Creeper to do Creeper things, right?” one of them said.

  “Well…I managed to climb trees like a Spider,” I said in my defense.

  The Creeper rolled their eyes.

  “Yeah, that’s Spider stuff,” they said. “Creeper stuff is super different. You can’t blow things up unless you’re a Creeper, you know! That, or you’re, I don’t know, a human!”

  The last bit of information made me curious.

  “Humans can blow things up?” I asked.

  “Um, yeah,” the Creeper said. “It�
�s like, you know, they use our gunpowder and sand to make TNT and make a platform. Then, boom!”

  The Creeper then walked off because they felt they had no use being around me. What they said lingered in my mind though.

  I think I’m going to try something out tomorrow.

  DAY 12

  “You want to what!?” John said in surprise.

  “I’m going to learn how to explode,” I said.

  John and Cindy could only gawk at me with their mouths wide open. John then shook his head.

  “Look, Jasper,” he said. “I appreciate that you want to learn how to be a Creeper and all, but didn’t I just mention the other day how us Creepers self-detonating felt silly to me?”

  “I don’t think you’d respawn here either if you managed to do so either,” John’s wife Cindy said. “We might not see you again.”

  I nodded.

  “I know,” I said. “But I never said I was going to explode.”

  Now the two of them were looking at me with more confusion than they had earlier. I smiled reassuringly.

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “You’ll see in a bit. Can you just promise me you’ll tell me if any human come by today?”

  “I suppose,” John said hesitantly. “You sure you know what you’re doing though, champ?”

  I nodded firmly. For once, I was confident in what I was doing.

  “Well, okay, then,” he said.

  I set to work. Thanks to John showing me around, I learned of an abandoned hut in the woods that had a crafting table. Now, normally it’s none of a Zombie’s business using a crafting table, but it had never been a Zombie’s business to learn how to climb trees or explode like a Creeper, either.

  This evening, a few Creepers that had been defeated in the daytime left behind a few pieces of gunpowder. I helped myself to a couple and got to work. Using sand and the gunpowder, I crafted a block of TNT on the table. I then plucked a stone platform from the abandoned hut’s chest that just so happened to be there. By the time it was getting close to dawn, I was back and John was calling me.

  “There you are,” he said. “I promised I would tell you if a human was nearby. One is. If you’re going to do whatever you plan to do, I suggest you hop to it. The sun’s almost out.”

  “Jasper, wouldn’t you rather wait until tomorrow evening?” Cindy asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be quick.”

  In the middle of the fields shooting off cows and harvesting seeds, a human in leather armor and a wooden sword stood. I knew my cover would be blown if I snuck too close, so I circled around as far away from him as possible. Setting the TNT into the ground with a platform right on top of it, I stepped back and then growled as loud as possible.

  This caught the human’s attention. He slowly inched towards my direction. I popped out of the grass and started acting like a normal Zombie. My arms were in front of me, my mouth was in a scowl, and I was growling.

  “Raaaagh…” I said.

  The human started going after me, just as I expected it would. I slowly stepped back and then made a break for it. The human quickly followed after, but the moment it stepped on the platform, he yelped.

  Sssssssssssttt….! The TNT hissed as it was activated.

  A loud explosion followed. I ducked and covered myself as the ground shook. When I stood up again, the human was gone and had left all his belongings behind.

  Content with myself, I started moving towards the cave to see John and Cindy.

  “Hey, guys! Did you see that?” I said proudly. “I blew a Creeper up!”

  But it wasn’t just John and Cindy in the cave. There were a bunch of other Creepers too, and each of them were frowning at me.

  “So you’re the troublemaker,” an old Creeper that had a hunched back said as he stepped closer to me.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “Whatever made you think you could learn what Creepers do?” he said in a raspy voice. “You’re a Zombie, and you’re ridiculous!”

  I felt the color drain out of my face. Whatever excitement I had from my recent success was just gone. I was confused.

  “But…I managed to explode someone,” I said. “I detonated a human just like a Creeper did. That’s…that’s what I’m supposed to do, right?”

  All the Creepers in the cave save for John and his family were glaring at me.

  “You used another Creeper’s gunpowder,” the old Creeper said as he pushed me. “You used a crafting table! You’re not acting like a Creeper. You’re acting like a human!”

  My eyes widened.

  “What?” I asked. “I never wanted to be a human! I just wanted to prove to you guys I can be more than just an old Zombie!”

  My statement only made the elderly Creeper even madder. His hunched back straightened up and he loomed over me. He glared at me so hard I could feel his gaze piercing through me.

  “The only thing you’ve proved, young boy,” the Creeper said, “is that you’re not proud of being the monster you’re supposed to be. You try to botch things up and be different! You make things and go against the nature of the Overworld! You’re no different from a human. Your mob clan should be disgusted with you.”

  I was at a loss for words. A cold feeling surged through my body. A huge stone formed in my throat and the only thing coming out of my mouth was air. Was he right? Am I acting like a human? The enemy of all monsters?

  John quickly moved towards the older Creeper.

  “Rafael,” he said. “Jasper means no harm. He just wanted to learn to be like us. What does it matter if he has to use materials to do it? He can’t by just doing nothing.”

  “That’s the whole point!” Rafael said angrily. He glared at me and pushed me closer to the exit of the cave. I could feel the sting of sunlight on my back, but I dared not move in case I only made him madder. “You’re a Zombie for a reason. You don’t belong doing anything else. You’re a foolish, useless Zombie…and that’s never going to change no matter what you do! And if you try to change, it just means you’re as bad as humans: not content with nature.”

  “Rafael!” John shouted.

  Rafael merely stepped back and spat on the ground.

  “I want him out of this cave and out of this biome tonight, understand?” he said. “Or else I’ll banish your entire family from here.”

  Rafael and the group of Creepers started to leave to go into the daylight again. My whole body was limp. I couldn’t feel anything and if someone tipped me over, I probably would have fallen. John and Cindy moved over to me.

  “Jasper, are you okay?” Cindy said affectionately.

  John tried to pat my back, but I stepped away from him and looked him in the eyes.

  “Is it true, John?” I asked with a cracking voice. “Am I just as bad as humans because of what I did?”

  John looked at me sadly and shook his head.

  “Of course not,” he said. “Don’t listen to Rafael. He’s just old-fashioned. You being a Zombie and doing different things is fine—”

  “But is it?” I said a little louder. “I mean…the only reason I’m doing all this is because I’m bad at what I’m supposed to do. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m no good at anything and so I went as low as to craft stuff like a human.”

  “Jasper…”

  John’s voice trailed off. I guess he knew he couldn’t convince me otherwise. Even if he did, he probably knew deep inside that Rafael was right. I lowered my head.

  “I don’t want you guys to lose your home,” I said. “I’ll leave first thing tonight.”

  “But Jasper!” Cindy said. “We want you here!”

  “You’ll lose your home,” I said firmly. “I have to go.”

  I swallowed hard, trying not to cry as I said the next words.

  “I don’t belong here, anyways.”

  Both John and Cindy expressed their sadness about me leaving, but they couldn’t do anything about it. I had to go. That was that. It was tim
e for me to face it: I was a Zombie. A lousy, no-good Zombie that couldn’t do anything right.

  DAY 13

  John, Cindy and the kids hugged me goodbye as I left. They told me that if ever I was in the area, I was always free to visit them even if Rafael said I couldn’t.

  “It’ll be our little secret, forever,” John winked.

  “Just make sure you take care,” Cindy said. “And don’t forget us, okay?”

  “I won’t,” I reassured them with a sad smile. “You guys are about the nicest folks I’ve ever met.”

  I waved goodbye and started on my way.

  I walked for miles onwards, not making a turn left or right. I walked straight without no idea where to go. I didn’t know where my old home was. I didn’t know where Sissy, Gary and Clyde are, either. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do.

  I found myself in the evergreen forests. Tall pine trees covered the sky, making it easier to travel even during daytime. When humans were around, I did my best to hide and keep out of sight. There were wolves everywhere but I knew they wouldn’t attack me so long as I didn’t harm them.

  Now I was here near an old cabin. No one’s in it, thankfully. I decided I could stay in it for tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as sad as I do right now. I just…don’t know what I’m supposed to do or where I belong. I hope someday I’ll find out.

  DAY 14

  I woke up startled this evening. I thought I heard a noise inside the cabin. For a moment, I got worried a human had come inside. But no one did.

  Today I practiced growling and walking around like Zombies do. I looked at my reflection in the lake as I did this. I only felt ridiculous.

  Seeing the tall trees here made me want to climb them. Just because I missed Sissy, Gary and Clyde, I actually did try to. I failed, of course. It’s not the same when you don’t have anything sticky to climb with. I quickly thought about how humans used piles of dirt or grass in order to reach a tree’s top, but I instantly stopped myself from thinking about it. That I even thought about trying to do something like humans did made a shiver run down my spine. Was Rafael right about me?

  I saw some Zombies attack a human close to daytime, but I didn’t bother joining them. I think it’s probably because I’m out of energy. I couldn’t sleep all that well yesterday and I’m actually worried I might not sleep at all today. I guess the only way I’ll find out is by trying.

  DAY 15

  Yep. I was right. I couldn’t sleep a bit.

  Not much to mention today. Just more Zombies fighting humans. It’s getting repetitive. I realize that even if I practiced trying to be a Zombie, I probably wouldn’t be good at it because of one reason: I don’t want to be a Zombie.

  But what do I want to be, then?

  DAY 16

  I woke up to a sound inside the cabin today. This time, however, the door was open and letting sunlight in. I straightened up and looked around. I tried to be as quiet as possible. Leaning against a wall, I tried to peer into the other room to see if a human was there.

  “It’s not like a Zombie to sneak around,” a deep, strange voice said to me.

  I yelped and whirled around.

  “Agh! Who’s there!?” I said as I flailed my arms around in desperate defense.

  I opened my eyes and saw a human in front of me. He looked like the average human without armor: blue shirt, blue pants, brown hair and pinkish skin. The only real difference was his glowing white eyes.

  I stepped back.

  “S-stay away from me!” I said. “Or…I’ll…I’ll hit you with this torch!”

  I yanked a nearby torch on a wall and waved it around. The human merely smiled and shook his head.

  “Don’t worry, Jasper,” he said. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

  My eyes widened. I slowly lowered the torch and looked at the man incredulously.

  “How…how did you know my name?” I asked.

  The man smiled.

  “I know a lot about you,” he said. “I know you were dubbed ‘The Worst Zombie Of All Time’ by your mob instructor back at your home. I know that you tried to climb trees and caused an explosion. It’s only natural I’d know your name, too.”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said.

  The man shrugged as he moved over to the wool bed and sat on it.

  “I suppose,” he said. “But then again, nothing you’ve done these past two weeks make all that much sense either.”

  I sighed.

  “You have a point,” I murmured. “I…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to be a silly Zombie that doesn’t think for himself. I can’t be a Spider without having sticky hands. I can’t be a Creeper. I doubt I could ever be a Skeleton or Enderman, either. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, let alone be.”

  I sighed even more and kicked the ground.

  “Maybe I’m just a big nobody,” I said. “Yeah, that sums me up about right: a huge, lousy, worthless nobody.”

  For the umpteenth time this week, I found myself crying. I felt ridiculous and embarrassed to be crying in front of a stranger—let alone a human—but there I was, bawling like a newborn Zombie baby that hadn’t been fed.

  The man in front of me placed a firm hand on my shoulder.

  “Oh, Jasper, you’re far from being a nobody,” he said gently.

  “No, I’m not!” I sobbed. “I can’t do anything! Everything I do, I screw up! My fellow mobs call me lousy! I lost my friends because I couldn’t fight alongside them! And the Creepers think I’m going against nature because I don’t fit in!”

  The man rubbed my back soothingly and sighed.

  “Jasper,” he said. “What you’re born as doesn’t define who you are. What kind of monster you’re born as doesn’t define what you can do. You’ve proved that this past week. And unlike what that Creeper that got mad at you said, you’re not doing anything wrong. What you’re doing is trying to find something you love and being someone you want to be. No monster should be able to say you can’t do that. I should know.”

  “How could you possibly!?” I cried angrily as I pulled away from him. “You’re a human! You’re, like, every single monster’s sworn enemy!”

  The man didn’t seem in the least perturbed by my yelling. Instead, he shrugged.

  “It’s true; I am a human,” he said. “But would you trust me if I said I’ve been helping monsters all my life?”

  I looked at him with as much confusion John and Cindy did when I said I was going to explode stuff.

  “My name is Herobrine,” the man said. “You may or may not have heard of me.”

  I thought back for a moment. The name Herobrine had to do with a legend. He was a person who could do things no other human could and instead of helping humans, he helped monsters. But was this really him?

  “How do I know you’re not lying?” I asked.

  Herobrine smiled playfully.

  “Well, can a regular human do this?” he asked.

  Herobrine raised a hand that soon began glowing. He motioned towards the bed and it floated in mid-air. My jaw dropped.

  “How…how…?” I sputtered.

  “I can do a lot more things, too,” Herobrine said. “But I’d rather not waste our time. Jasper, I came here so I could help you.”

  “Help me?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “I am a man who helps monsters that feel like they have no place in the world,” he said. “Most times than not, these monsters are like you, Jasper. They don’t feel like they belong and they want to do more than what they’re told to. I help these monsters become the best that they can be in what they want to be and in return, these monsters become my acolytes.”

  “Acolytes?” I asked.

  “They’re sort of my right-hand men,” he explained. “They help me protect the monsters from harmful humans. I train them in my manor and I wanted to ask if you wanted to train with them, too.”


  I didn’t know what to say for a moment. I breathed out.

  “Are you sure you want someone like me, though?” I asked. “I don’t even know what I want to be.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “Haven’t you noticed anything you liked doing these past few weeks? Anything you enjoyed?”

  I thought for a moment.

  “I…enjoyed making the TNT,” I said. “The crafting table felt nice to use. I also had fun using webs for climbing because the material felt useful to me. I bet if I had slime from Slime Cubes, it could work to the same effect. I guess…I liked finding new ways to do things.”

  Herobrine nodded.

  “That’s a quality few monsters have,” he said. “And believe it or not, it’s not a bad quality either. Don’t you know there are Zombies who use armor and fight with swords? Or Witches that brew potions out of items they find?”

  “I didn’t,” I said honestly.

  Herobrine smiled.

  “Well, you’re in luck, then,” he said. “I think you can comfortably learn about things like that in my home. If you want to, that is.”

  I thought about it. I thought back on the past few weeks and how I enjoyed being with others and impressing them by doing things no one thought I could do. I had fun learning different properties of items and doing things uniquely. I didn’t fit a certain mold, but I could definitely make my own mold. I looked up at Herobrine and smiled.

  “I…I think I’d like that,” I said.

  Herobrine beamed and placed a hand on my shoulder.

  “Then…welcome to your new home.”

  All I did was blink and all of a sudden I was somewhere else. We were in a vast forest of different kinds of trees. In front of me was a large wooden manor with giant windows and walls lit with multiple torches. A stone path was in front of us that led to two wide oak doors. At the door were three different monsters: a Spider, a Witch, and a Skeleton. They all wore armor of some sort and had weapons in their hands. Herobrine walked me close to them.

  “Jasper,” he said. “These are my acolytes. Like you, they wanted to be more than the world told them they were. I’m hoping I can train you to be like them one day.”

  The Spider crawled up to me and smiled. She reminded me a bit of Sissy with her bright expression.

  “It’s nice to have you here, Jasper,” she said. “We’ve heard all about you. I was impressed to hear you’re able to climb trees with the help of webs.”

  “Oh, please,” the Witch said as she approached with crossed arms. “What he did with the TNT was way better than climbing up silly old trees.”

  The Skeleton merely rested against the wall and shook his head.

  “Stop fighting, you two,” he said. “What this guy wants to do and what he’s proud of doing is up to him. Isn’t that whole point of him being here?”

  “It is,” Herobrine said. “And I hope he’s going to be happy here.”

  I looked at everyone. They were all wearing smiles on their faces. They didn’t seem to think I was weird or anything. They were willing to see what I could do and didn’t want me to follow a certain trend. I beamed.

  “I think I will be happy here,” I said.

  DAY 17

  After yesterday, Herobrine showed me around the manor. I had dinner with him and the other acolytes. They told me about their amazing adventures fighting humans and protecting monsters who couldn’t defend themselves. Herobrine reassured me that someday, I’d be able to join them, too.

  I was given my own room. I have a bed, a desk, a bookshelf with several volumes and a few weapons, too. Herobrine said I could use these to my liking and see what I liked using. The Witch told me if I ever became interested in brewing potions, she would happily install a cauldron in my room. I thanked her and told her I’d think about it.

  I still find it a little weird that I’m here. All of this happened so fast. After all, just a few weeks ago, I was just a lousy zombie kid who couldn’t do anything I was supposed to. Then again, if I hadn’t been a lousy zombie, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.

  I still have a lot of questions for myself. After all, I still don’t know what I want to do for sure, but it’s nice knowing I have the option to choose whatever that would happen to be.

  I’d still like to find Sissy, Gary and Clyde. I want to talk to John and his family, too. I want to thank all of them for helping me and accepting me even if I wasn’t like any of them. Maybe I will someday. For now, I’m here and I’m happy. I’m taking one step at a time. I don’t know where my place is in the world just yet, but I know I’m going in the direction I want to.