by K L Wood
The reality? I expected a rejection speech.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking.”
Here it comes…
I shrank in my seat, my heart ripping apart at the seams all over again.
Reed reached across the table as if he wanted to take my hands, but they were wound so tightly in my lap, I could barely move. His hands slid back. “I shouldn’t have let things get this far between us. You deserved the chance to heal and figure out what you wanted on your own without me interfering, and I’m sorry for that.”
My eyes burned as I sat there and took a speech I could pull apart a million different ways, but in the end, it was all the same. And for Reed, it was only one: “I don’t love you…not like that.” I wasn’t sure I could handle hearing that right now.
“…But I need to tell you how I really feel—”
I held up my hand, a tear threatening to escape. “Please, don’t.” I looked him square in the eye. “I already know, and I can’t…so please, let’s not taint the time we had together, and remember it for what it was.”
I couldn’t go through that heartbreak again over him.
He dipped his chin, a hand over his mouth. It took him an uncomfortable amount of time to gather himself up again. “I hope you find the love you truly want one day. You deserve it.”
And with that, Reed walked out of the door and toward the house.
26
Safe and Familiar
Tabitha
Clad in bunny pajamas, I plopped down on my couch with a bowl of hot fudge brownie sundae. My eyes were puffy and my stomach sore from all the crying I had done. The weekdays were a little easier when I could immerse myself in my work, but it was the alone times at night that sucked. Now that the weekend had hit, all I did was think of Reed.
That soft smile.
His warm touch.
The way I felt nestled in his arms.
Another crying fit spurted out of me, and I set down my ice cream. Even my regular breakup routine wasn’t helping. How could I be so stupid to believe I could handle that time we shared, being that close? And how the hell did he think not having actual sex would make everything easier?
The anger phase of my usual breakup motions started to seep in. I was mad at myself for walking in his room that night and angry at him for letting me. I should have left when he showed up. All that time I’d spent healing and trying to move on from Reed shattered in less than a week.
Like that night before he left for Europe, my heart shredded into a million tiny pieces.
Was this what closure was supposed to feel like?
My phone buzzed with a text. I hated that even for a split second, I wanted it to be Reed.
Instead, it was Mark.
He’d texted me when I came back two weeks ago, asking me how our talk went. I’d told him the truth. Mark had been checking in on me since. It was a little strange but comfortable. Mark was always comfortable.
M: Have you eaten dinner yet?
T: No, I cheated and am having dessert now.
M: How would you feel about grabbing some dinner at that old diner we love?
I tugged at the ends of my hair, unsure of how to respond. This was the first time he’d mentioned meeting in person.
M: You’re stalling, so I’m guessing you’re wondering what my intentions are.
T: Yes.
M: No pressure, no expectations. Just friends.
T: Thank you, but I’m a mess right now. Being in public is probably not the best idea.
M: Okay.
I set down my phone and stared down at my sad, melting ice cream. I grabbed the dish and poured the soupy mush down the garbage disposal. My whole body felt heavy, the energy drained out of me, as I walked back to the couch. I lay down and curled myself in my blanket, ready for a long night of The Voice recordings I had stacked up. My eyes were too puffy and sore to read.
Halfway into the second episode, my stomach started to growl. I hadn’t eaten anything since the half a bagel I managed to get down this morning. I sat up and tried to muster the energy to make a little something to eat, but the thought alone was exhausting. Just as I pushed myself off the couch, a knock sounded on the door. I walked over and checked the peephole to find Mark standing there with a take-out bag in his hands.
Crap.
I opened the door, and his mouth slightly parted as his eyes traveled over me. His shocked expression soon turned to one of concern. “I thought you could use some Chinese food. It always cheered you up when you were feeling down.”
I half smiled, but it felt forced. “Thank you, but you really didn’t have to do that.”
“Do you mind if I come in?”
“Mark, this isn’t a good time.”
“I know it’s a cliché line, but I understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there.”
My eyes burned, and I swallowed down the ache in my throat.
“I promise I have no ulterior motive. Right now, I just want to be there for you as a friend.”
I stood there frozen, half of me wanting the comfort of the familiar and the other half wanting to wallow in my misery.
But I was hungry.
He smiled. “We’ll just chow on some crab rangoons and wings and binge-watch The Voice.”
“You hate The Voice.”
He shrugged. “It’s not so bad. I actually started watching it after we broke up. It kind of grew on me.”
I bit my lip, tempted to open the door wider and invite him in.
“We don’t have to talk, and you can kick me out anytime you want.” He held up the bag. “And how can you say no to crab rangoons? You love them.”
“You love crab rangoons. I actually like the fried shrimp best.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
I shrugged. “You were a good guy, way better than the six disasters before you. I guess I didn’t want to lose you, so I just went along with things.”
“Well, you don’t have to do that with me now.” He handed me the bag. “If you want to be alone, I understand.”
I opened the door wider. “It’s okay. You can come in.”
“You go and relax,” he said. “I’ll get everything ready.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled. “No problem.”
A full belly and three episodes later, I was feeling a little better. Mark didn’t make any of this time about him or us. He was just there for me as a friend, let me talk when I needed to talk, and never pushed me when I didn’t feel like saying much. He even got me to laugh a couple times. Well, it was more of a soft chuckle, but it was a vast improvement over where I was before he showed up.
Mark was familiar and comfortable and safe. And after the roller coaster of emotions that Reed always put me through, it was exactly what I needed.
Reed
Renee ran her hands over the table and the cabinets, looking around and absorbing the surroundings. I was three beers in, and she’d had her eye on me the entire frigging night at the bar. I didn’t know why I’d invited her here. I thought maybe if I could go back to old ways, shut myself off and let sex just be sex, I could move on and deal like I had before.
She was attractive and didn’t want more than a one-nighter. Perfect scenario.
But now, as I watched her in my space, I just wanted her to leave.
“Pretty fancy.” She turned with a sultry look in her eyes and swayed her hips as she walked toward me. She ran her fingers down my chest, and I tensed.
Her left eyebrow shot up. “Don’t these things have a bed?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Listen, I’ve got an early day tomorrow and should really get some shut-eye.”
“What I’m going to do to you, honey, won’t take long.” Her hand slid further down. “And you’ll sleep like a baby after.”
She lightly squeezed my crotch, and I backed away from her. “Please, don’t.”
There was a vulnerability that hung in her eyes at that moment. “I thought
that’s why you invited me in here.”
I felt like an ass and wished I never walked into that bar in the first place. “It’s not you. You’re very attractive. I just…I can’t.”
She closed her eyes and nodded as if she understood. “It’s a woman, isn’t it?”
The pain in my chest intensified. “Yes.”
“She done broke your heart, didn’t she?”
Yes, but I broke hers first. I deserved every bit of it.
I opened the door. “I’d like to be alone.”
“I get it, been there, done that.” She stepped down and looked back up at me, a sad smile shaping her red lips. “When you make up your mind to let go, it gets easier.”
She had no idea how many times I’d tried. There was no fully letting go of Tabitha. She was a part of me and always would be.
I closed the door as she waved and walked away.
I downed a glass of water before flopping down on the bed. It had been three damn weeks, and there wasn’t a day that went by that my head wasn’t filled up with some memory of our past…especially of those last days at the vacation house. Nights were always the hardest.
I pressed a hand to my chest, wanting to feel her there. That wholeness again. Instead, it felt black and empty. I needed her light, craved it like I hadn’t seen the sun in years.
I missed her so damn much.
27
Roller Coaster
Tabitha
Ben and Mark started talking baseball, and Paige was telling me about a new sponsor deal she had landed that would take her little business to the next level. I tried to focus and listen, but my mind was in a haze. Mark and I weren’t officially back together, but I agreed to start out as friends and see where it took us. Mark stole a glance my way and smiled as he squeezed my hand. He was happy, like everything was back to normal again.
And it was, on the outside. Mark was great, and I really was comfortable around him.
So why couldn’t I just let go and be grateful that I had someone right there beside me who truly wanted to be with me, spend his life with me? Someone who didn’t send my heart on a dizzying roller coaster?
Paige nudged me. “You okay?”
“Sorry, I’m out of it today.”
“Come to the bathroom with me.”
I followed her, but instead of heading to the bathroom, she led me out the front door of the restaurant. Paige leaned against the brick building. “Mark looks happy.”
“Yes.”
“So why aren’t you?”
I let out a deep breath and flopped against the wall, knowing I was about to get very real with her.
“Reed stayed with me at the vacation house.”
Paige turned, her eyes wide. “What?”
“I wanted him to.”
“Did you have sex with him?”
“Practically everything but.”
Her mouth fell open in shock. “Oh my gawd!” She smacked my arm. “I texted you like ten times while you were there, and it’s been three weeks since you’ve been back. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It was like we were in our own little world, just Reed and me, and I didn’t want to share that with anyone else, you know?”
Paige swallowed, a sadness lingering in her eyes. “I know exactly what you mean.”
I knew right then she was talking about Bryant.
She leaned back next to me, closer this time. “I’m assuming you didn’t get the closure you needed…”
“I don’t think there will ever be real closure. I love him. I’ll always love him. It’s like he’s a part of me and always will be.”
“What did he say before he left?”
“I didn’t let him talk. I knew it was a rejection speech coming, just like the first time.”
She looped her arm through mine. “I’m sorry.”
“And I’m sorry about Bryant.”
Paige didn’t even tense or get mad at me for saying his name.
“You know what I hate most about him?” she asked.
“What?”
“That I still love him.” She wiped a tear from her eye, and I squeezed her hand, letting her know I understood.
“From our very first kiss, I truly believed I’d marry him one day. I felt it in my gut.”
“Technically, your first kiss was in a closet during a truth or dare game.”
“That’s the moment I’m talking about.”
“What? I thought you hated him then!”
She half smiled. “He was insanely frustrating, but I never hated him after that moment. Those seven minutes we spent in there were more than a kiss…but I was obviously wrong.”
“You’re not happy with Ben?” I asked.
Paige let out a teary scoff. “Bryant made me scared to love again, to have the kind of love where you’re completely exposed and vulnerable. My relationships are never that deep anymore.”
“‘The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.’”
“What?”
“One of Reed’s wall quotes.”
Paige’s phone went off, and she checked it. “It’s Ben. They just paid the bill and are wondering where we are.”
“We should get back,” I said.
We said our goodbyes, and Mark and I headed to the T-stop.
“Tonight was fun. It was good to hang out with Paige and Ben again.”
I nodded, my mind still dissecting that quote and how Paige had closed herself off after Bryant.
Was that what I did after Reed broke my heart all those years ago? Had I been picking men whom I knew I wouldn’t totally fall completely in love with out of fear of getting hurt?
It was like pieces of a puzzle that once eluded me were starting to come together.
“So, ah, I was thinking.” Mark stopped and slipped his hand in mine. “I’d love to take you on a date. No expectations, no pressure. It can be our first date after starting over.”
I looked in Mark’s eyes and realized he’d never once used the word “love.”
“When you came to my house that night and told me you wanted me back, you never told me you loved me.”
He scratched the back of his head as if trying to remember. “I must have, didn’t I?”
I shook my head. “No.”
I wanted the roller coaster, to cut myself open again and finally experience a real, deep love with someone. If it couldn’t be with Reed, I had to give myself the chance and be brave enough to have it with someone else one day.
I cupped Mark’s cheek. “I want to fall totally and completely in love. I don’t want safe anymore.” I dropped my hand to my side. “And I don’t like baseball.”
Mark smiled, a sadness lingering in his eyes. “I guess this is really goodbye, then.”
“Yes.”
“I wish you all the best, Tabitha, I really do.”
I wrapped my arms around him for one final hug. “You, too, and take care of yourself.”
We pulled away, and I headed down the escalator. He stayed at the top and stood there as people walked by him. When I looked back, he was gone.
Reed
The only way I knew how to deal was to throw myself in my work. I was already in Virginia, and my next stop was supposed to be Cumberland Falls, Kentucky. The thought of going there without Tabitha seemed wrong somehow.
That was her moonbow.
My phone buzzed off the camper table. Paige.
“Hey.”
“Hey, big bro. How’s your trip going?”
“In Virginia now.”
“Good, good.” She paused a few seconds. “I know we don’t usually get all deep or anything, but can I ask you something personal?”
“Shoot.”
“I know you and Tabitha had an, um, unconventional week together at our parents’ vacation house.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this with you, Paige.”
“Just wait and hear me out, okay?”
; “Fine.”
“All I want to know is one thing.”
“What?”
“Do you love her?”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel.”
“Mmm, what if I told you it does? Would that change your mind?”
My shoulders tensed. “What do you mean?”
“She’d kill me if she knew I was talking to you about this…”
I stood up. “You called me for a reason. What’s going on?”
“If you love her, Reed, then tell her. Trust me.”
“Paige, I tried to tell her I was in love with her, but Mark showed up. She chose him.”
Paige laughed. “No, she didn’t.”
“She didn’t?”
“She broke it off for good with him.”
Hope filled me, and I tried to push it down, remembering she made it more than clear she didn’t want anything more than those days we had together. That wound in my heart started throbbing again. “Leave it alone, Paige. Tabitha doesn’t want to be with me.”
“You told her you loved her, and her response was, ‘I don’t want to be with you’? Somehow I find that hard to believe.”
“It’s complicated.”
Paige huffed. “No, you’re making it complicated. If you love her, tell her. Give her your heart and soul on a platter and sweep her off her damn feet, because if you don’t, she’s going to find someone who will…and you’ll lose her for good.”
My sister hung up, and I barely moved. Her words tugged at my heart.
Tabitha did that for me once. Now it was my turn.
28
Cut Wide Open
Tabitha
Paige and I had spent the day shopping, which was part of her breakup routine. She had broken up with Ben the same night I’d officially ended it with Mark. She said she was going to do the single life and go a full year without men. She found the idea in some self-help book that wasn’t written by any doctor or therapist but instead by a woman who went from being someone’s doormat to owning her own Fortune 500 company.