She forced herself to start walking again, down the hall and down the stairs. Once on the first floor she turned on a few lights, enough to see her way as she wandered from room to room of the house she’d grown so comfortable in.
She felt connected to Will, of course, but that wasn’t the same thing. She was the mom, so her job was to be in control, to be responsible. With Alex, she felt…carried away. Out of control. Her feelings for Alex were growing faster than she could analyze them, and already they seemed somehow exponentially beyond analysis, as if she were trying to use a microscope to study the sun.
Being that connected to someone meant pain if they left. Feelings of helplessness, loneliness and neediness. Feelings Holly had sworn she’d never go through again.
She’d walked through every room downstairs and now she paused in the front hallway, turning on the light switch, the soft glow from the old-fashioned chandelier reminding her of Friday night and the way Alex had talked to her, challenged her, forced her outside her defenses.
She turned the light off again and went back into the living room.
It was too much. Being with Alex had opened up wells of feeling within her, and she didn’t want to know what was at the bottom. She tried to imagine what she would feel if—no, make that when—Alex left her.
Not because he was a bad guy. Not because he didn’t care about her. But because it wasn’t his nature to tie himself to one woman, and because experience had taught her that it was in few men’s natures to be tied down to a single mother.
And let’s say he gave it the old college try. Let’s say everything seemed to be going along just fine. Experience had taught her something about that, too—when you let yourself be comfortable, let yourself relax, then something would happen to knock you flat.
But none of those fears even came close to the fear of Will getting hurt. He’d already been abandoned by his father… He didn’t need to lose a father figure, too. Not one he liked as much as Alex.
Holly picked up a wooden statue from the top of a bookcase, a carved giraffe that a former player had given Alex. Her fingers caressed it before she set it back down. And then she realized what she’d been doing for the last hour, going from room to room of Alex’s house, touching the things she associated with him.
She was saying goodbye.
The next morning, after Will and Alex had both left for the day, Holly called in to work and took a personal day. Then she went out to her favorite coffee shop and bought a morning paper.
There were a few likely ads in the real-estate section, both apartments and houses for rent, but the problem was Holly didn’t feel like taking the time to look around and make a careful decision, or waiting for the first of the month to move in.
She glanced at the clock on the wall. Eleven o’clock in the morning. Eight o’clock in Vegas, which was way too early to call a woman on her honeymoon. Holly did some window-shopping in town and had a light lunch, and forced herself to wait until one—ten in the morning Vegas time—before she called Gina’s cell phone.
Her voice, when it came, sounded sleepy but very happy. “Good morning, good morning whoever you are, you’ve reached Mrs. Henry Walthrop!”
In spite of her own worries Holly smiled. “So I take it you didn’t run away.”
Gina gave a contented sigh. “Nope. And it’s a good thing. Married life suits me. Of course being waited on hand and foot in a honeymoon suite may be affecting my judgment.” There was a pause and the sound of a wet kiss. “No, on second thought, I think it’s all Henry.”
“Gina, I’m really happy for you. And I’m sorry to bother you when you’re on your honeymoon, but I have a pretty big favor to ask.”
“Anything, sweetie. Shoot.”
“Your apartment. Is it still available?”
“Absolutely. My lease doesn’t run out till the end of the year, so unless I find someone to sublet I’m stuck paying the rent till then.”
“Well, you’ve just found someone to sublet. How soon can I move in?”
Gina hesitated. “Anytime, I guess. The superintendent has the keys. All my clothes and things are moved out but it’s still furnished, which makes it easy. But what’s going on? I thought you guys were sort of settled at Alex’s place.” A beat went by. “Oh. Okay, I get it. I guess things didn’t go so well with Alex, huh? Were you too chicken to go for it when he jumped you?”
“Not exactly.” Holly cleared her throat. “The jumping was pretty much mutual. And he said he wants to date me.”
“But that’s great! Isn’t it great?”
“Well…”
“Holly Stanton, give me one good reason why this isn’t great.”
“Because Alex has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than three months! Because I’ve never been in a relationship that didn’t end with the guy running away from me! First Brian, then Mark—”
“Don’t you know there’s a first time for everything?”
“Not for this. Not for me.”
“Okay, Holly. I’m about to tell you something important, so pay attention. It’s time for you to stop surviving and start living. I know Brian was a low-down bastard, and I know your parents let you down. I know you put a wall around your heart to get through those first few years alone. But those days are over. It’s not just you and Will against the world anymore.”
Holly closed her eyes. “Just tell me whether or not I can have your apartment. I need a place to stay.”
“Of course you can have the damn apartment! But when I get back home you and I are going to have a serious discussion.”
“Fine. Whatever. I’ll buy the drinks.” She took a deep breath. “And, Gina? Congratulations.”
“On being happy? Thanks, I appreciate it. Want to know my secret? Not being blind and stupid enough to let the right guy go.”
Holly sighed. “Enjoy the rest of your honeymoon, Gina.”
By the time Will and Alex came home from practice, everything was done. Holly had moved their few possessions to the new place, and washed her and Will’s sheets and remade the beds. She made dinner, too, steak and green salad and mashed potatoes. It was waiting on the table when Will and Alex came through the door.
“Hi,” she said as cheerfully as she could. She glanced at Alex, who grinned at her before hanging up his jacket, and then at Will who was rubbing the back of his neck.
“Dinner’s on the table,” she said, wishing her heart wouldn’t turn over in her chest every time Alex smiled at her. “Rough day at practice?” she asked her son as they went into the kitchen. Will slumped down into his chair with a groan.
“Say hello to the Wildcats’ new starting quarterback,” he said. “Apparently Coach’s training plan for a rookie QB is to try really hard to kill him, and if it doesn’t work, then he’s ready for game day.”
Holly had stopped in the middle of serving salad. “But…how? I thought with the bye week Charlie would be able to—”
Alex shook his head. “It’s an ACL injury. He’s out for the season.”
Holly finished dishing supper and sat down herself. “But Will’s only fifteen,” she said to Alex, frowning. “What if he gets hurt like Charlie did?”
“Hey, I’m sitting right here. And if Coach doesn’t manage to kill me there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that an opposing team will be able to do to me.”
“Who are you playing this week?” she asked.
“The Silverton Warriors,” Alex said.
“They’ll be a pushover,” Will assured her, putting an enormous bite of steak into his mouth.
“Hey,” Alex said, smiling at him. “Just because you completed a few passes today is no excuse to get cocky.”
“I’m not cocky,” Will said with his mouth full. “The Warriors are terrible. Are you trying to tell me they’re not terrible?”
Alex rolled his eyes. “Okay, yes, they’re terrible. But that still doesn’t mean you can be overconfident.”
“How much do you want to bet we wi
n this game?”
Alex folded his arms. “You want me to bet against my own team? Ever hear of a guy named Pete Rose?”
“Just a friendly wager, Coach. If we lose Friday’s game I’ll wash the dishes for a month.”
Holly had been listening with half her attention, trying to work up the courage to tell them her news. But now she needed to speak up.
“Actually,” she said awkwardly, “the dishes aren’t going to be an issue anymore. Will and I are going to be moving out.”
Will swallowed a bite of mashed potato. “Sure, eventually. But in the meantime someone has to—”
“Not eventually. It’s done. We’re moving into Gina’s apartment tonight.”
Will and Alex both stared at her. After a minute Alex set his fork down on the table. “That was fast,” he said evenly.
“What do you mean, tonight?” Will asked, sounding bewildered. “And why? Alex doesn’t mind having us here and we—”
“We can’t trespass on Alex’s hospitality forever,” Holly interrupted. “Look, this isn’t up for discussion. I told you, it’s done. I spoke to Gina and the building superintendent and I moved our things over there today.”
Will’s fork clattered onto his plate. “I can’t believe it,” he said. “You’ve never called out of work in your entire life, but you did today so you could do this behind my back?”
“Behind your back? Will, I’m your mother. I still make the decisions for this family.”
“Got it,” Will said, pushing his chair violently back from the table. “Of course. Because you always know what’s best, right? Well, you know what? You don’t know anything. I bet you think you’re protecting me, too. That’s always your excuse when you’re actually protecting yourself.”
He was on his feet now, his expression angrier than Holly had ever seen it. She could only stare at him with her mouth open. “I’m going next door to say goodbye to Anna,” he said stiffly. “I’ve been helping her with her yard work, and I don’t want her to think I’ve just disappeared on her. Decent people don’t do that.”
“Will, you can still come by here whenever you—”
“Forget it, Mom. You can try selling it to Alex, but he’s pretty smart. I don’t think he’ll buy it any more than I do.”
Will’s outburst was so sudden and so out of character that Holly felt tears starting behind her eyes. Determined that Alex wouldn’t see her cry, she snatched up her dishes with shaking hands and took them to the sink, where she could stand with her back to the room while she tried to compose herself.
Behind her she could hear Alex’s chair scrape against the floor as he got to his feet.
“Is there a chance this doesn’t mean you’re breaking up with me?”
His voice was cold, and she couldn’t look at him. “We were never really together,” she said, hearing her own voice tremble. She turned on the water to fill the sink and held her hands under the stream. Her skin felt tight, and there was an ache at the back of her throat.
“I see.”
The water was painfully hot, but she didn’t move her hands or turn on the cold tap. If only she could burn these feelings away, burn them out of her, make them stop—
“I told you Saturday morning I’d accept any decision you made, as long as I understood why you’re making it. At the time, you said that was fair.”
She swallowed around the pain. “It is fair,” she said. “I just—”
“I’m going out for a run now. When I get back, we’re going to talk.”
He didn’t wait for a response.
She listened to his footsteps as he left the kitchen. Two tears escaped, one from each eye, slipping down her cheeks like rain. Then she took a deep breath and started to wash the dishes.
Chapter Eleven
Alex ran harder and faster than normal, trying to drive out emotion with physical activity. This was a trick he’d gotten pretty good at over the years, from the time he was a little boy dealing with his mother’s death by getting into fights with the neighborhood kids.
Football had always been an outlet for him—a source of joy, too. And it was a good thing he still had football in his life, because it didn’t look as if he was going to have Holly.
Unless he could convince her to give them a shot.
By the time he got back to the house, the sun was sinking toward the tree-covered hills to the west. He walked slowly across the front lawn, feeling his heart rate slow, using the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe the sweat away from his eyes.
“Alex,” he heard Holly say, and she was there in front of him, the red glory of the clouds the perfect backdrop for her fair skin and flaming hair.
She looked young and fragile as she stared up at him, her green eyes anxious. She had such a powerful personality it was easy to forget how small she really was, how slender, her bones as delicate as a child’s. She looked like a child right now, in that bulky brown sweater with her hair pulled back in a ponytail.
But she wasn’t a child.
“Alex, I—I’m so sorry. I wish things were different.”
“Yeah? Different how?”
“I was afraid this would happen. You’ve been so good to Will and me—you took us in after the fire, made us feel at home. I don’t know what we would have done without you. And you and I…we were building a real friendship, a friendship that…that meant so much…and now it’s destroyed.” Her lower lip trembled. “I wish we’d never slept together.”
That felt as harsh as any blow he’d ever received on a football field. He stared at her. “How can you wish that? Those nights with you were the best nights of my life. Making love with you was—I don’t have words for what it was. And I know you were there with me.”
She looked away from him. “That’s not what I meant,” she said miserably. “I didn’t mean…of course I feel the same way. About…about those nights. But we’d be crazy to think we could have anything more than that. Just look at our track records.”
He took a step closer to her. “You mean my track record. But Holly…the way I feel about you…I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” It was now or never. “Holly, I love you.”
She fell back a step, looking stunned. “What did you say?”
“You heard me.” He ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes against the rays of the setting sun. “And I’m guessing from your horrified expression that you’re not about to say you love me, too.”
“Alex, I—I can’t.”
“Can’t, or won’t?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
He opened his eyes. “Yes, you do. I know you feel something for me, Holly. Don’t you want to give this a chance? To give us a chance?”
She folded her arms across her chest. “Alex, you’ve never even left a toothbrush at a woman’s house. You’ve always liked playing the field. And now you expect me to believe you’ll give that up—give up your freedom? Give it up for a single mom with a teenage son?”
“Yes.” He meant it with his whole heart, but Holly didn’t look convinced.
He sighed. “Holly, it’s true that I’ve never been in a serious relationship. But did you ever stop to think—”
“What?”
He took in a breath and let it out. “I’ve wondered about it, too. Why none of the women I’ve dated ever got under my skin. Why I never seem to meet The One.”
He took a step closer. “Maybe the reason I never met The One is that I already have. Maybe the reason no woman can get under my skin is that you’re already there. I was always too proud to admit it, even to myself—but I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”
The sun dropped behind the hills, bringing dusk, and the shadows made the air seem colder. Holly shivered, wrapping her arms around herself.
“Alex, you can’t really think—why would you say—”
“Holly, I’m just telling you how I feel. I love you, and I love Will, too. I want both of you in my life. Isn’t that enough to take a chan
ce on?”
And then he felt Holly withdrawing from him, actually felt it, as if she were physically pulling away.
“You feel that way now, but—Alex, you can’t guarantee the future. If we only had ourselves to think about, maybe we could take a chance. But like you said, Will is in this equation, too. I can’t take a chance with Will’s happiness, not ever. I won’t risk him getting hurt.”
“He got hurt tonight.”
“I know, and it was because of us. He’d get hurt a lot worse if we tried being a couple and things fell apart. If he got attached to you, not just as a coach but as some sort of father figure. I’m sorry, Alex, but I just can’t do this.”
Her face looked remote, as if she was already gone. And Alex knew he was beaten.
He was still breathing, but the action felt strange, alien. His chest felt empty, as if something important had been taken out.
His skin was clammy with dried sweat. “I need to take a shower,” he said, and his voice sounded strange in his own ears.
Holly’s lip was trembling again, and his instinct was still to comfort her, to take her in his arms and pull her close.
He forced his hands to stay at his sides. “Good luck at the new place, Holly.”
The walk back to his house was the longest he’d ever taken.
The next few days were bad.
Holly had never felt so stiff and unnatural around her own son. There had never been anything they couldn’t talk about before. Then again, she’d never tried to talk to him about anything like this.
She did try, once, when they were eating dinner at the kitchen counter. “Honey, I’m sorry about how sudden all this was. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you beforehand about moving to Gina’s. For reasons I’m not comfortable discussing it was really important to me to—”
Will didn’t even look up at her. “Yeah, I know. You had to leave because Alex is in love with you and you’re totally freaked out. Do you really think I didn’t notice, Mom? Or do you think it’s none of my business? I’m just your son. You know, the person who cares more about you than anybody in the whole world.”
Winning the Right Brother Page 16