He pushed away from the counter and left the kitchen, going down the hall and into the small second bedroom he had moved into.
Holly stared after him, her mouth open. Then she leaned forward and put her head in her hands. So Will knew. Had Alex told him or had he figured it out on his own? Did it matter? Her own son thought she was cold and unfeeling. Plus he absolutely worshipped Alex. In a million years he’d never understand why she couldn’t love his hero.
Well, why couldn’t she? Maybe she really was cold and unfeeling. Alex had told her he loved her, and she might as well have spit in his face.
The worst day of all came when she was looking for a CD in the stack Alex had given her, and found one with a homemade cover mixed in with the others.
For Holly—To Take To A Desert Island.
She sat staring at it for a long time, knowing she shouldn’t open it, and knowing with even greater certainty that she shouldn’t listen to it.
She was alone in the apartment—Will wouldn’t be back for an hour. There was no one around to see her cry.
And she did cry, hugging her knees on the living room floor and listening to Bruce Springsteen and Joni Mitchell and Aretha Franklin and Van Morrison. But when Marvin Gaye started singing “Let’s Get It On,” she turned the CD player off. The pain inside her was like a living thing.
She went to the sink to splash water on her face.
There was no use in crying. It was all over now. It was for the best, she told herself over and over. It was for the best.
If only things with Will could go back to normal.
He did seem to thaw a little toward her the rest of that week. They were talking again, with at least an approximation of their old camaraderie, although Holly suspected that Will was so anxious about his upcoming debut as the Wildcats’ starting quarterback that he would have talked to anybody just to relieve the tension.
Holly was surprisingly nervous herself on game night, both for Will’s sake—although she’d been careful not to let him know that—and because she’d be seeing Alex for the first time since moving out of his house. Of course there was no reason to expect they’d get within twenty feet of each other, but still she’d be seeing him, and who knew how she’d react to that. Her emotions were a lot more unpredictable than they used to be.
The beautiful fall weather had come to an end during the week, with a cold front from Canada sweeping down to remind them that winter was on the way. Tonight felt bitter, with an icy drizzle coming down from the iron gray sky, but the stands were still packed for the home game. No one in Weston, Ohio wanted to miss a second of the Wildcats’ Cinderella season.
Holly found her usual seat in the bleachers, next to David and Angela Washington, and in spite of all her resolutions she immediately looked down toward the sidelines to see if she could catch a glimpse of Alex.
There he was. He was standing facing the field, so all she could see was his back, covered in a thick Wildcats jacket, but it was in that instant that Holly knew the truth.
She loved him.
The moment couldn’t have been less romantic. She was sitting on a grooved metal bleacher seat that was like a block of ice, with the cold seeping into her butt through her jeans, and the object of her affections was fifty feet away surrounded by a bunch of teenaged boys in helmets and pads.
But in the moment of her revelation the cold couldn’t touch her. She loved him. She loved Alex McKenna.
All that angst, all that inner turmoil, and the truth came and sat down next to her at a damn football game.
She didn’t even think about what would happen next. About what she should do now. It didn’t seem to matter. The only thing she was aware of right now was the window that had opened in her heart. The feeling was so strong she thought other people must be aware of it, must be able to see it like a blinking neon sign, but all around her the attention was all on the field, where the opposing teams were just lining up for the opening kickoff.
Her eyes were still on Alex. He seemed to be the only person in the world. He was talking to an official, but in the middle of his conversation he twisted his head to look up into the stands, as if he’d heard someone calling his name. He looked straight at her, and their eyes met for just one moment. Holly’s breath came faster, and her mouth opened to tell him, I love you, but then the whistle blew to start the game, and he had turned back to watch the action on the field.
It didn’t matter. There was plenty of time. Holly felt something that was new in her experience: a kind of serenity. She had looked into her heart and hadn’t run away from what she saw there, and in that one moment she felt free. She was free.
She took a deep breath and concentrated on what was happening on the football field. Her son was making his debut as the Wildcats’ starting quarterback, and she wasn’t going to miss a second of it, no matter how many revelations of true love fell out of the sky tonight.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Angela screamed in her ear over the shouting of the crowd.
“It is!” Holly shouted back, and the two women settled in to watch their sons and their teammates working together like a well-oiled machine, bonded together by trust and hard work and faith in themselves, all of it given to them by one man, Alex McKenna.
By the middle of the fourth quarter Tom Washington had rushed for over two hundred yards and a touchdown, and Will had completed sixteen of his twenty-three pass attempts, two of them for touchdowns. Holly cheered until her throat was hoarse, and when the last seconds of the game were ticking away, the Wildcats ahead by ten points, she was on her feet with the rest of the crowd when Will threw his last pass of the game, time ran out and the final whistle blew.
Then it happened. One of the Warriors’ defensive linebackers, who’d been frustrated all night long, came through the offensive line and smashed Will to the ground with a vicious hit, helmet to helmet. As the furious Wildcat players pulled him off their starting quarterback the crowd fell suddenly silent.
Will Stanton had failed to get up after the illegal play.
For one frozen moment Holly couldn’t move. Then she was crashing down through the stands, clumsily, falling the last few feet and getting up again and running, running, until she could kneel down at Will’s side.
“The ambulance is on its way,” Alex said, and she looked up to see him kneeling beside her, his eyes on Will’s face.
Before she could answer the trainers were there with a stretcher, and calm, professional hands were lifting Will onto it and covering him with a blanket. They started walking him off the field, Holly with them, her hand clutching one of Will’s in both her own, and by the time they made it to the parking lot the ambulance was there, lights flashing, and then Holly was riding inside it beside her son, her terror hardly lessened by the paramedic’s assurance that his heartbeat was strong and steady.
The next hour was a nightmare. They arrived at the hospital and they wouldn’t let her go in with Will, and nurses asked her things, and gave her papers to sign, and no one would tell her anything, even when she grabbed one doctor by the sleeve and begged her.
“Just sit down in the waiting room, Mrs. Stanton. As soon as we know anything we’ll tell you.”
“It’s Miss,” Holly whispered as she sank down onto a hard plastic chair. “Miss Stanton.”
Maybe if she was a Mrs. this wouldn’t have happened. If Will had a father. If she hadn’t let him play football. If she’d been paying more attention.
She’d been thinking about Alex, falling in love with Alex, and she’d let her guard down, and look what happened. When would she ever learn?
And then Alex was coming through the door, heading right for her, but at that moment the doctor came through another door.
“He’s fine,” the white coated woman said immediately, and Holly felt weak with relief, the tears she’d been holding back sliding down her cheeks. “He has a mild concussion. We took X-rays and did an MRI and all the usual tests, and he’s absolutely fine. We’ll keep him
overnight for observation, but that’s just a precaution. He regained consciousness during the exam, but fell asleep a few minutes ago. That’s normal, too. You’re welcome to go in and see him, but he’ll probably still be asleep. It would be better not to wake him up.”
“I won’t,” Holly said. “I want to see him now.”
Will looked terribly young on the hospital bed, with an IV in his arm and some machine beeping on the table next to him. She stood there watching him, breathing when he breathed, for a long time. At some point a nurse came in and said they needed her at the front desk to fill out some more paperwork.
It was while she was doing that, her hand shaking as she tried to manipulate pen on paper, that Alex came up behind her.
“Holly, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said without looking at him. “It’s mine.” She finished the last page and pushed the clipboard across the counter to the medical receptionist. Alex took her arm and turned her gently to face him.
“Holly, there is no way you can blame yourself for this. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. I let Will start that game even though he’s only fifteen—”
“He wanted to play. You couldn’t have stopped him.”
“I could have taken him out before that last series.”
“Why? Are you clairvoyant? Did you think that kid was going to hit him after the whistle like that?”
“Of course not, but I—”
Holly shrugged and started to walk away. “I told you, Alex, it’s my fault.”
“Holly, that’s insane! How can you possibly think that?”
“Because it is.”
“Holly, listen to me—”
“I have to go back in to Will.”
“Holly, wait. Before you go in there and start telling your son how this is all your fault, which is not what he needs to hear right now, take one minute and talk to me.”
Holly stopped walking and turned to face him. “Fine,” she said, her voice empty of emotion. They were in a quiet corner of the waiting room and Holly sat down on another hard plastic chair. “What do you want me to say?” she asked.
Alex stared at her for a moment and then sank down into the chair beside her.
“Tell me how this is your fault.”
Everything in her felt tight, and hard, and hot. “Because I let my guard down.” She met his eyes, and focused on him for the first time. “Sitting there in the stands today, I realized that I’m in love with you. And I felt happy. Really happy, like a child feels, without—without reservations. As if everything was beautiful and wonderful and safe.” She took a deep breath and pressed her hands together in her lap. “And then look what happened.”
Alex leaned toward her. “You think Will got knocked unconscious because you realized you love me? Because you let yourself feel happy for two seconds?”
“Yes!” she said passionately. “This is what happens when you let yourself go. The first time, I got pregnant and my parents kicked me out of the house. The second time, I got drunk and hungover and I let our house burn down. And now this.”
Alex was staring at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. Suddenly it seemed very important to make him understand.
“It’s like a bargain I made years ago,” she said, and although she didn’t realize it, her voice was a little higher than usual, like a young girl’s. “I can have Will, I can keep him safe, but only if I—if I—you see, if I’m good, nothing bad will happen. If I don’t try to be happy, Will can be happy. And then I broke the bargain. I thought about myself, I let myself love you, and—oh, God, Will!”
Alex put one hand on each side of her face, gently. “Holly, that’s crazy. If you listened to yourself you’d see that. You’re talking like a frightened little girl, not a grown woman. You—”
Suddenly he stopped. “I get it now,” he said, half to himself. “I finally get it.”
Holly’s face was wet with tears again, and she brushed a hand across her eyes. “You get it, huh? What exactly do you get, Alex?”
He sat back and looked at her. “When you got pregnant. You were young and scared…still a kid, really. Your own parents were ashamed of you. You weren’t their perfect little girl anymore. You weren’t Brian’s perfect girlfriend anymore. The baby you hadn’t asked for took everything else away. And you took his side, fought for him against the whole world.”
He took a breath. “That’s one of the thousand reasons I love you, by the way. You gave birth to Will, and loved him and cared for him, and made a life for him without anybody’s help. Still, the loss of your old life had to hurt. You’re human. But you couldn’t blame Will, could you?”
Holly felt sick to her stomach for some reason. “Of course I couldn’t! Blame Will? He’s the best thing that ever happened to me!”
Alex nodded. “I know. I know he is. You couldn’t blame Will—so you blamed yourself. You still do. That’s why you’re not allowed to be happy. You’re still blaming yourself, even for things you have no control over.”
Holly breathed in through her nose. “That’s crazy,” she said tightly.
“I know it is. But it’s true. That’s the ‘bargain’ you were talking about. You’re punishing yourself for making a mistake when you were eighteen years old. A mistake that led to Will, who you love more than anything in your life. But you’re still to blame for being irresponsible, for letting your guard down. You think if you do it again, something else will be taken away. Like Will. Especially Will. So you don’t dare let yourself be happy.”
Holly’s head was pounding. “You’re nuts,” she spat out. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.”
“Fine. But you’ll have to grow up sometime, Holly. If you want to be a whole person, you’ll have to grow up.”
“Grow up? Damn it, Alex, I’ve always been grown up! I was born grown up!”
“Not really. Growing up means letting go of the past. Realizing that life is complicated and that people make mistakes. Realizing that bad things happen, and that you can’t prevent them by bargaining with your happiness. Growing up means knowing there are no guarantees, and still having the courage to risk your heart.”
Alex leaned toward her again, his hands gripping the arms of his chair as if he were trying not to reach out for her. “Not that it would have been such a risk with me. I love you, Holly. I’ll never love anyone else.”
Holly drew her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as if to protect herself. “But why?” she said. “Why do you love me? I don’t understand it. All I’ve ever done is push you away.”
He smiled a little. “Yeah, well, I’m not saying it’s been easy. In fact it’s been a major pain in the ass. But if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
He drew a deep breath. “I love you because you bug me. Because you’re the most exasperating woman I’ve ever known. Because you got under my skin when I was sixteen years old, and worked your way into my heart.
“I love you because you gave Will the gifts you never had. Gifts I never got, either. You were mother and father to him, and put him ahead of everything else, and gave him all the unconditional love and support you never got from your own parents.
“I love you because underneath your mask you’re like a force of nature. You make love like that, you know. With passion. With everything you are. I think you could love a man like that, too—if it was the right man. If you let yourself.”
He took another breath. “We belong together. I look at you and I know I’m home, because there isn’t any other place in the world I want to be.”
He stood up. “But I can’t keep asking you for something you can’t or won’t give. I can’t keep offering my heart when it’s the last thing in the world you want. It hurts too much, Holly.”
He looked toward the wing of the hospital where Will was. “If Will wants to see me anytime, day or night, call me and I’ll come.” And with that he was gone, pushing through the swinging doors that led
outside to the parking lot.
For a long time after he left Holly just sat there, unable to move. Finally she struggled to her feet and went down the hall to Will’s room, and the sight of him sleeping peacefully was reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Alex’s words came back to her, and she knew that he’d been right, right about everything.
Suddenly, without warning, she slid down to the floor and started to cry.
She cried for what seemed like hours, and as the tears kept coming and coming and the sobs racked her body, Holly felt something deep inside her start to release. Something hard, and tight, and poisonous. Something that had been there a long time.
Eventually the tears slowed. And after a while she was quiet again, feeling empty and drained and oddly peaceful.
“Hey, Mom, please don’t cry. The doctor said it’s a mild concussion. I’m totally fine.”
Holly scrambled to her feet and looked at her only son, who had woken up and was smiling at her.
Her heart soared. “Will!” She knelt down at his bedside and smoothed his hair away from his face. “I wasn’t crying over you,” she said, giving him a watery smile. “I was crying over me.”
“Well, I like that. What kind of mom are you? I’ve got the IV and the beeping machines and a really bad headache, and you’re not crying over me?”
“Nope,” she said, kissing him on the forehead. “Because you’re totally fine. The doctor said so, remember?”
Will gave a dramatic sigh. “Years from now when I write my memoirs this is going to be a major chapter.”
Her smile turned into a grin. “Will it be as major as the chapter where your mother marries your high school coach?”
Will’s eyes widened. “Maybe I’m hallucinating. I think you should repeat that last thing.”
“You heard me.” Her smile faded. “Or at least, you’ll be able to have a chapter where your mother proposes to your high school coach. I’m not so sure he’s going to say yes.”
“You’re such a dope.”
“You know, Alex says the same thing. If I’m such a dope, why would he want to marry me?”
Winning the Right Brother Page 17