Shattered Souls

by Alison Mello

  “We’re losing him,” I hear the doctor shout.

  I shake my head. “No.” The word slips from my lips as I stare at the first man I’ve let close, the first to ever earn my love.

  “Clear.” They continue working on him, trying to bring him back to me.

  ‘Please, Lord, don’t let him die. Not now, not like this,’ I think to myself.

  “We’ve lost him.”

  I jump up in bed, sweat dripping down my face. I look to my left to find Keegan fast asleep with a slight grin on his face. I’m so glad I didn’t wake him. Climbing from the bed, I tiptoe out to the living room where I can sit in quiet. The room is dark and the air is cold, winter is here, and it hasn’t been nice to us. I grab my snoogie from the back of the couch and wrap my body in it for both warmth and security. This has always been my go-to when I need to feel warm and safe. It’s silly, something such as a military poncho liner can provide comfort, but it does. I feel like it’s my way of keeping Bailey close when I need her. I close my eyes and rest my head against the back of the couch, thoughts of my nightmare and that horrible day Keegan came in shot runs through my head. Thoughts of how I’m supposed to forget the horrible day and continue on in my job without fear it will happen again.

  “What’s wrong?” Keegan sits next to me. I was so deep in thought I didn’t even hear him enter the room. I look up at him with tired eyes. “Another nightmare?” I nod. “Have you spoken to Dr. Miranda about them?”

  “No, but I need to. I’m starting to wonder if I’m cut out for ER work. All I keep seeing is you on that stretcher. I love what I do, but I need to figure out how to move past this.”

  He scoops me up while still wrapped in my snoogie and carries me off to bed. “I know you’re scared, and I’m sorry I put you through that, but you have to know I love my job, and I love you. That means I need to be more alert and think about how I react to situtions in the field.” He runs his fingers through my hair. “I don’t want to lose you, Lexi, and I promise you I will be more careful. It’s one of the things the doc and I spoke about today.” I turn to face him. “She thinks I’m a bit reckless, but I swear I won’t make that same mistake twice. I really thought I was going to die, and all I kept thinking about was fighting for you. Thoughts of you were constantly running through my head while I was on that stretcher--worry over how you were going to react to seeing me, worry I wouldn’t pull through to spend my life with you. We’ve done so much healing together, it’s time we finish this, no more nightmares, no more fears, we need to support each other and trust each other to stay safe.” He looks into my eyes.

  I lick my dry lips and then press them to his. “I agree, fuck these nightmares.”

  He tosses his head back in laughter.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask.

  “You’re funny. You’re the half that makes me whole.” He chuckles.

  “That makes me funny.” My brows shoot up.

  “No, you switching from this soft, scared, shattered woman to a fighting warrior in a flash, and it’s funny because Dr. Miranda says I do the same thing.”

  “At least we know why we are so perfect for each other.” She shrugs and snuggles up to me.

  He kisses me on the head. “I knew it from the moment I met you.” He spoons me from behind. “You are so strong, and I promise you we will get through this, now get some sleep, beautiful.”

  Wrapped in Keegan and my snoogie I fall asleep with a smile on face and enjoy a restful night’s sleep.

  It has been an incredibly intense couple of weeks. Keegan and I have been not only busting our asses at work but in therapy as well. We’ve each visited with Dr. Miranda individually as well as together, and we’ve come a long way. She made the comment last night that she’s incredibly proud of us, and is backing us off to a session a month unless we feel we need her.

  Keegan has also been cleared to go back to field work, and although part of me is scared, I also trust him to do what he needs to and be a bit safer about it. Being a cop is high risk, and there is only so much he can do, but at least I don’t have to worry about him running into any buildings without back-up because he’s acting out of anger because of his past.

  As for me, Jose Cuervo and I are no longer friends. I haven’t had a drop of hard liquor in weeks, and not because I can’t handle it but because I don’t want to. It reminds me of hard times and that’s not something I need to think about. I still enjoy a beer or two when we go out to shoot pool with our friends, and Keegan has made a habit of keeping wine in the fridge. We often will relax with a glass at night either during or after dinner.

  He has been practically begging me to move in with him for months now and I kept pushing him off telling him we weren’t ready, that the two of us needed to be a bit more mentally healed before we made that step. Well, I finally feel we are ready, and today I’m surprising him. When he gets home from work he will find all my stuff here, not that I have much, but I loaded up the remainder of my things and moved them shortly after he left this morning.

  Chloe and I sat and had a girls’ night the other night, and I told her I was finally going to be moving in with Keegan. She’s so happy for us and told me it was perfect timing because Lucas asked her to move in with him, so we’re giving up the apartment. We got lucky because her lease was coming up for renewal, and from what she told me Lucas knew based on conversations they’ve had together so he planned it that way. It just happened that Keegan has been wanting me to move in with him as well so it all worked out. The four of us have become quite close, and Harper and her boyfriend Knox have become the perfect addition to our little crew. We make it a point to get together every few weeks for either a game of pool or just to have dinner. It’s funny because Lucas is finally getting to a point where he enjoys playing and the guys have actually beat us in a game or two.

  “Babe, I’m home.” Keegan comes walking through the door. “Hey, beautiful.” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. He gently presses his lips to mine. “How was your day?”

  “It was great. I have a surprise for you.”

  His brows shoot up. “You do?” I nod. “Can I lock up my gun and then you can show me?”

  “Of course.” He goes to the closet where he has a large safe, punches in some numbers, and slips one of his forty-fives into the safe, and then brings the other into our room. I know his routine which is why I agreed to let him lock them up. His surprise is in the room, and if he pays attention he’ll pick up on it. He sits down on the bed, slips open the drawer, and presses this forefinger to the top of the safe unlocking it. When he’s done he closes the drawer and the picture catches his eye. He looks at me and then glances around the room noticing the blanket I brought from home as well as the picture I brought of me with my parents in my uniform. It finally dawns on him.

  A huge smile lights up his face. He jumps up from the bed, wraps me in a hug and spins me around the room. “You’re moving in with me?” he shouts full of joy and it causes me to laugh.

  “Yes, are you happy?”

  “Happy? Happy doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I love you so much.” He finally places me back down on the floor and presses his lips to mine one more time.

  “I’m glad you’re happy, now come, dinner is almost done. I made a roasted chicken with potatoes and carrots.”

  “Is that what smells so good?”

  “It is. Change and I’ll finish dinner.”

  I’m in the kitchen making our plates when Keegan comes out wearing a pair of lounge pants and a tank top showing off his muscles. I set our plates on the table and he grabs the bottle of wine. “We definitely need to do some celebrating tonight.” He pours us each a glass and then takes a seat beside me. It still makes me smile when he does that, we always sit next to each other instead of across from one another. “Here’s to two shattered people who managed to not only heal one another but make each other whole.” We clink our wine glasses together.

  “I thought the celebr
ating would come later. You know, in the bedroom.”

  Keegan grins and pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth. “Oh, don’t you worry, we’ll definitely be celebrating in there as well.” He pushes the fork into his mouth and lets out a sexy moan. “Mmm, this is so good.” His eyes close as he enjoys his dinner. I’m so entranced I haven’t taken one bite yet. When he opens his eyes he leans in and whispers, “There’s only one thing that tastes better than this and that’s your pussy.” I love it when he talks fucking dirty to me. I shake my head and begin to eat. “Good girl. I don’t want you going to bed hungry.”

  Once we finish eating we begin the process of cleaning up. As usual he puts the leftovers away while I rinse the dishes and clean up the pans. It’s become our little routine and tonight I’m rushing to get it all done because I’m anxious to get him to bed. We’re just about done when the house phone rings. “Hello?”

  “Lexi. It’s Chloe, is Keegan with you?” She sounds off and it’s making me nervous.

  “He’s right here, why?”

  “I had come back to the station to hand in some paperwork to the captain when a call came in. When they got there they discovered it was Keegan’s mother.” I gasp, fearing where this is going. “Lexi, she’s dead.” My hands begin to shake in fear over how he’s going to handle this.

  “Lexi, what’s wrong?” Keegan grabs me and sits me in the chair. “Who is it?”

  Lowering the phone from my ear, I look into his eyes. “It’s Chloe.”

  “Is she all right?”

  “Yeah, it’s your mom. Keegan, she’s dead.”

  His eyes go wide. He turns away for a brief second and then grabs the phone. He presses the speaker button and barks out, “How?”

  She sighs. “Murdered. Someone gave her a lethal dose of heroine.” She sighs. “I’m so sorry, Keegan.”

  “Where is she now?”

  “On her way to the morgue.”

  “I’m on my way.” He cuts the call and heads straight to our room.

  “What are you doing?” He throws on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. “Keegan.”

  He freezes. “I need to see for myself.” He turns around. “You can come with me or you can stay here, choice is yours, but I need to know for sure.”

  I nod. “I understand. I’ll come with you.” I toss on a pair of sneakers and we’re out the door.

  We pull up to the county morgue a short time later, and once he parks he just sits for a moment. He doesn’t get out, doesn’t say a word, just stares straight ahead. “I hate that I care more than she did.”

  “She’s your mom. I think we all care about our parents and are very forgiving of them. I’m sure there’s a part of you that hoped your love would make her better.”

  He closes his eyes and take a deep breath. “Let’s go.” He climbs out of the car and I hurry out after him. His strides are longer than mine making me jog to keep up. When we walk through the door he’s greeted by an older man wearing glasses and a bow tie. “I’m so sorry Keegan.” The older man gives him a tight smile.

  “Thank you, Dr. Miller. Can I see her?”

  “Of course, right this way.”

  We follow behind, but instead of standing behind a window like I thought we would we were brought directly into the room. “Dr. Miller I’m sorry, this is my girlfriend Lexi.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry they are under trying circumstances,” he says, his accent showing through.

  “It’s nice to meet you, too, and thank you.”

  I wrap my arms around Keegan as we’re escorted over to a table with a black bag lying on top of it. “I need to warn you, she doesn’t look good.”

  “She hasn’t looked good for years, doc.”

  He nods and unzips the bag to reveal her body.

  Fuck me. I can’t believe it, she’s actually lying before me dead. I close my eyes taking this in. I hated what she put me through, hated her for getting my father killed, but I never wanted this for her. Lexi was right, I always held out hope she would turn herself around. I wanted her to see that even if she didn’t love herself she had me to love her, but it wasn’t enough, and now she’s gone forever. Lexi tightens her hold on me, supporting me, but I’ve got nothing. I don’t know what to say, what to do, or even how to feel, I’m numb. “It’s her,” I whisper through my tears. “God, it’s her.”

  “How do you already know she was murdered?” I ask the good doctor.

  “I need to run some tests to confirm it, but her neighbor saw her and a man walk into her apartment, there was a lot of screaming. She called the cops, and by the time they got there she was dead. It took minutes to kill her, and the needle was left in her arm. They bagged it for evidence hoping he didn’t wear any gloves.”

  “Thank you.” He pulls me toward the door using much slower steps this time.

  “Why don’t you let me drive?” Lexi suggests as we get outside.

  “I’m okay.” We climb into the car, but I pause for a minute, thoughts running through my head. “You know being the kid of a druggie, we were never very religious people, but I often prayed for her. I would ask God all the time to heal her, even now. I never told Dr. Miranda this, but I still prayed for her from time to time.” I turn to her, “And either he doesn’t listen, or this is his way of healing her.”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know Keegan, but she’s certainly not going to suffer from her addiction any longer and you go on living without worrying about her.”

  “You know it’s a good thing I’m on the force or they may not have even figured out who her next of kin was, and she would end up in some city cemetery in a shitty box with no one to visit her.”

  “Do you want to visit her?”

  “I don’t know, but I do know, regardless of who shows up to her service, I will be the bigger person and give her a proper burial. That is my way of forgiving her for all she put me through.”

  “I’m proud of you, Keegan. A lot of people would have handled this differently, but I think because of your work with Dr. Miranda you’re able to forgive her, and you will be able to happily move on.”

  “Thanks, babe, now if it’s all right with you, I would like to forget about this for now.”

  “Sure, what do you want to do?”

  “I want to take you home and make love to you until we both pass out.”

  “I’d love that.”

  I’ve never tried to get home so quickly in my life. I want to forget all about this for now. Tonight was supposed to be a night of celebrating, not mourning. I’ll need to do that in due time, but not tonight.

  We pull up to our place and we both hurry inside anxious to be close to one another, to feel and be lost in each other. As soon as I’ve closed the door she slams me against it, shocking the shit out of me. I look down into her beautiful blue eyes waiting for her to say something, and finally she does. “Take me to our room and make love to me.”

  I scoop her up over my shoulder and do as she asks. When we get to our room I slide her down my body ensuring her shirt rides up tossing her bra aside with it. Cupping her breast I squeeze nipples knowing I’m being rough but that she likes it. She closes her eyes, arches her back and lets out a moan. My lips run down her neck, across her collarbone, up the other side of her neck to her ear. “I love you so much.”

  She pants. “I love you, too.”

  She begins tugging at my shirt as I unbutton her jeans, licking, sucking, and biting my way down her body as I slip them down her long, lean legs. She steps out of them as soon as I reach her ankles, leaving her standing before me gloriously naked. I swear there’s not a woman on this earth that can compete with her. “Lay down for me.” She listens, climbing onto our bed lying in the middle. I stand completely still staring at the amazing woman before me.

  “Are you trying to decide which toys to play with tonight?” I chuckle.

  “Nah, there’s only one thing I need tonight.” I ditching my clothes as quickly as I can. Joining her on the bed I slowly
lick and kiss my way up the inside of her leg. “You are the only thing I need.” I kiss her mound. She hisses waiting for my tongue to hit the spot, but I’m a dick, and instead of licking at her pussy the way she wants I kiss the other side of her leg. Her hips begin to jerk, but she holds back knowing full well I’ll only mess with her more. Pinning her hips to the bed with my elbows I part her folds and suck on her clit, hard. She whimpers in response. “Will you lie still?”

  “Yes.” She growls, making me laugh.

  I let go of her hips and slip two fingers inside her, finger fucking her as I lick and suck on her clit. Like a good girl she lies completely still until her orgasm takes over her body causing her to quiver and shake, her pussy tightening around my fingers squeezing them. I pull my soaked fingers from her delicious pussy and rub them over my lips, licking her juices off before I stick both fingers into my mouth sucking them clean. “You taste fan-fucking-tastic.” She giggles until my mouth crashes down on hers. She whimpers into my mouth, our tongues collide, dancing together in an amazing rhythm. She sucks on my tongue causing my dick to twitch between us. I break the kiss and look into her eyes. “I’m taking this ass.” I climb off her and flip her over, lifting her hips so her ass is in the air. Grabbing her cheeks I pull them apart to lick at her tight hole. I’ve played with her, but haven’t actually had her yet, and I know she’s nervous but she has no need, she’s ready.

  Grabbing the lube from the nightstand I squirt a little over her hole and slowly work it, stretching it with my fingers. “Keegan.”

  “Relax, babe, I got you.”

  She backs her ass up against me, telling me she wants me as much as I want her. I lube myself up a bit more before I spread her cheeks and line my cock up. I press it to her tight hole and roll my hips forward. “Yes, fuck me.” I slowly stretch her until I’m fully seated inside her tight ass. She feels so damn good I have to sit still for a minute or it’s going to be over before we even get started.