Lost Energy

by Lynn Vroman

  “I… Avery said I fought for…” What the hell did I fight for?

  “You fought against everyone who didn’t see as black and white as you.” His cool disappeared, replaced by anger that rolled off him in waves. “That list? Those people? You dug, blackmailed those you thought might ruin you and Avery’s grand scheme. Save the True Wardens, take away Exemplian power. Right the fucking universe!” He moved closer until our noses almost touched. “Even if that meant destroying every single person who desired freedom as much as you.”

  I stood my ground, but realized why everyone was so leery of Winston. His anger radiated like an atom bomb. “I didn’t do it, Winston.” I wanted to show courage, but my voice came out airy, betraying me.

  His eyes closed and his hands shook as he put them on my shoulders. “Kendal was my friend. What you did to her killed her on the inside. Those people on that list, they left after your execution to try to start new lives, afraid another vigilante would pick up your cause. Avery felt guilty enough to help hide them, show they were recycled in their files or rogues who were unfindable. Like she did for me. My name might not be on that list, but I was on your radar.”

  Oh, my God. I’m a monster…

  His fingers dug a little too hard into my upper arms before letting go. “Finally, I had what I wanted. And now, under different circumstances, you’re again threatening everything. These people will feel the same.”

  The tears came harder. Remorse, guilt, hatred toward myself, all of it brought me to my knees. “I didn’t know.”

  Winston knelt beside me. “Now you do.”

  I looked past him into the black desert, wishing it’d swallow me whole. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Putting people’s lives at risk? For the same thing.”

  He cupped my cheek. “It’s different now. You aren’t the cause for all the fear this time; you’re the solution to end it. This life–your life–is different. You’re different, and I’m with you.”

  “But what if that’s not enough?”

  His cool dug its way back to the surface. “Didn’t you hear me, Tainted? I’m with you, and every pissed off rogue we find will know it.”

  Okay, okay, I’d admit it. I liked the guy. I mean, really, really liked the guy. “You’re pretty full of yourself.” I hiccupped a couple times, the spasms from my crying jag not ready to cut my pride a break yet.

  “Nah, I’m a facts guy, and them’s the facts.” Winston stood, helping me up. “Go on now. Get yourself back to your dude before he gets antsy. Tell him to expect these people floating through his lines in a day or so.”

  My heart split and tore. Tarek. His love for the past, the stories he told about this courageous, perfect woman I could never live up to, all of it was a lie, a lie that burdened me with the consequences.

  A lie he’d have to explain.

  Later.

  “Winston? This plan you have, wanna share a little?”

  I didn’t expect him to tell me anything, and so when he moved to sit on a boulder and motioned for me to follow, I hesitated. He sighed. “You want to know or not? I suppose I should spill it, seeing as how you gotta leave Arcus sooner than the rest of us.”

  “No, yeah, it’s…”

  He nodded at all our spectators still waiting by the cave entrance and held up a hand. “One minute, people.” Grinning, he patted the spot next to him. “Sit. I’m about to give you a glimpse of genius.”

  Too tired and drained to argue that last point, I sat, propping my elbows on my knees. After he spoke for fifteen minutes, using creative hand gestures to emphasize certain parts of the plan, even quashing the initial fears Tarek had, the hope shined hot enough to protect me from the desert chill. When he finished, I stared at him in complete awe.

  He raised a brow. “Well, what do you think?”

  I had to use all my willpower to not get girlie and fling my arms around his neck. Farren’s fangirl face found its way onto mine. “You’re brilliant.”

  He winked and hopped off the boulder, holding his hand out to me. “Told you.”

  I’d forgive the arrogance because, well, he was effing brilliant. “You think Wilma will go for it?”

  He tapped his temple. “We’ve been talking.”

  Couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. “Huh, that’s nice, ‘cause she hasn’t bothered much with me the past few days.”

  He laughed on his way back to the group. “That’s because you’re not brilliant.”

  I snorted. “Whatever.”

  “And you’re not to leave Arcus until she gives you the okay and a location to open the portal.”

  I shrugged and jumped off the rock. How long I stayed in Arcus depended on what Tarek had to tell me after I dumped all this shit into his lap. I had to go to Empyrean before all my haters made it to Arcus, and it was all my past self’s fault. Wilma would understand if I got there early. Hopefully.

  Winston grabbed my elbow. “I mean it. Be a good girl and do as you’re told.”

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  Farren opened the portal nowhere near the castle so we could have a chance to talk alone. When I explained what he and I would be doing in a little while, Farren didn’t like it, but went along. There was no denying how perfect Winston had everything mapped out. All Farren would have to do was open a portal. I had the hard part. Confronting Tarek, telling him I’d be leaving.

  We walked in silence after hashing out all the details. The squid didn’t bother with us. Maybe they were used to our presence, or maybe Belva let them know not to touch us. Whatever the reason, I was grateful.

  Before we reached the icy border leading to the castle, I stopped Farren. Concern lighted his eyes, probably because of the tears hovering in mine. He grabbed my shoulders, bending until we were eye to eye. “What’s wrong?”

  I swallowed, trying to tamp down the desire to sob. Stopped and started a sentence a few time times, too. How to ask someone who felt more like a brother than a friend the tough questions? “Did you hate me? Before?”

  Coming right out and asking was one way.

  His eyes widened and his mouth formed an O. He cleared his throat, took a breath to speak, and cleared his throat again.

  I had my answer.

  “So, yes, then?”

  He smiled, though his eyes grew sad, and gave me a soft jab to the arm. “Come on, kid. Does it matter? I love ya now.”

  Tears rolled. “Yes, it matters! Of course! You’ve all done so much for me, and I don’t deserve it. Any of it. You’ve risked your life, Wilma and Tarek, too. For what? For a…a…bitch who didn’t give a shit about anyone?”

  “No, we did it–we do it–for you.”

  I looked down at my hands, tears now soaking them. Truth always hurt. “Not all of you.” Not Tarek…

  Farren gathered me up in his big arms and stroked my hair while I cried. Just sobbed. I sucked. Big time.

  He bent to whisper in my ear. “I couldn’t hate you because I didn’t know you, not really. You only ever let Tarek and Wilma in.”

  She didn’t even let them in, but I said nothing.

  “You were known to work hard, for the people. You were loved because of it.”

  The crying went into overdrive. “But that’s the problem, I didn’t think about the people. At least, not Exemplians. I lived a lie.”

  “What? That’s not true. You helped–”

  “Winston told me. Everything. The list? I used blackmail, Farren. I threatened those people. Bullied them, like I did Kendal.”

  Farren still weaved fingers through my hair, though now his hand shook a little. “Lena…”

  “Was Kendal a terrible person? Bent on some grand plan to destroy the world?”

  “No.” His voice was soft.

  I left the safety of his arms. “Not loving me so much now, are you?”

  He gave a quiet smile. This time it reached his eyes. “That, kid, will never change. Even if you decided to go on a mass-murdering spree with pitchforks and a bible.” He shrugged. “
I’d kick your ass, but I’d stick around to help clean up the mess.”

  Laughter bubbled from my throat, spilling out. Through tears, I laughed. Laughed until my insides ached. He joined me. We folded over holding our guts, making the squid fidget in the trees.

  Nothing felt better than the unconditional, and Farren gave that in spades.

  I’d follow him to the end of forever if his big ginger ass asked me to.

  PAIN

  Confronting Tarek. A part of me relished blasting him for lying. At least holding back the truth, which was still lying in my book. Another part dreaded it.

  I loved him.

  With every breath, I loved him.

  But how could he have loved the cold-hearted version of me? The version who didn’t care who she hurt in order to achieve what she thought the greater good. When he met us at the door, the urge to slap him in the face surprised me so much I had to dig my nails into my thighs.

  His relieved smile turned into a frown. “What happened?”

  My face felt swollen from all the damn crying, and so I’m sure it looked ten times worse. My heart wanted to rip into tiny pieces, but I wouldn’t let the tears fall. “We need to talk.”

  He tried to pull me into his arms, and I stepped to avoid him. “Lena?”

  Farren cleared his throat. “I…ah…I’m going in, explain things to everyone.”

  Neither one of us bothered to watch him disappear into the castle. As soon as Farren left, though, Tarek took a step forward. He didn’t try to touch me this time. “What’s changed, love?”

  The cold ate through my clothes and attacked my skin. “Let’s go inside first, somewhere private.”

  “The cabin’s private.” He stalked by me and headed down the icy path.

  “No. Here.” I didn’t yell. I didn’t have to.

  He turned to face me, and the sky darkened to a deep gray, almost black as the air turned frigid. “Okay?” He stepped closer. “You’re killing me here.”

  “Tell me about Kendal.”

  At least the despair left his face, replaced with surprise, which made not touching him easier. “What?”

  I wrapped my arms around my middle to hold in the heat and agony. “She an evil plotter? Some kind of sociopath?”

  He laughed a little and took another step forward. “Well…no, but…what are you trying to say?”

  “Her energy. Does it feel bad, or…or…I dunno marred in some way? Hard to keep inside?”

  Please say yes, please say yes….

  He stopped and bowed his head. “She… No, her energy is pure.”

  The ice needed to break, suck me in, and take me away from the pain splitting my chest. “And Mateusz?”

  “Lena–”

  “Answer me.”

  “This is crazy.” He looked up as the sky turned black and the temperature made the tip of my nose numb.

  “Answer the question, Tarek.”

  “Whatever you heard, don’t be–”

  “Answer!”

  He straightened his back. The black sky opened and hail punched the ground. “No.”

  I couldn’t look at him anymore, the desire to smack him in the face too strong. I muscled the door open and stormed through the rooms, including the one with all the people. My people. The ones who knew me now, loved me.

  Me.

  I didn’t confront Tarek there. With everything going on, the last thing my family needed was to doubt our success. Mom yelled for me, but I threw up a hand and shook my head, going for the stairs. Tarek followed, the only indication of his rage the angry fire leaping from the hearth and the ice storm ricocheting off the castle walls, the sound traveling all the way into the room.

  I didn’t stop until the third landing, going left until spotting the first open door. The room’s smell made my roiling stomach twist and flip like mad, the stench of molded straw and stagnant water making me gag. Who knew how old these beds were. Centuries? Rotting fabrics covering them indicated as much. Ancients, the ones who lived here, thrived here, until Exemplar snuffed out their entire existence.

  Anguish and decay doubled me over, dry heaves tightening my already fucked up insides. Tarek stormed in after me, bending to hold my contorted body.

  “Don’t.” I stumbled away, tripping over my feet in the rush to the window. Windows here sucked, so small and too high, leaving no way to escape.

  “Lena, please, I’m begging you. Tell me.”

  The stone, cold and slimy with moisture, held me up. My fingertips ached as they dug in, my nails bending backward. “Everything’s a lie.”

  He kept silent, the ice storm loud enough.

  The tears won, racing down my cheeks faster than I could brush them away. My voice skipped and jumped, but I didn’t give a shit anymore. “Did you know she was a monster?”

  “Who?” His rich voice, quiet and strained, floated into my ears.

  I gripped the moldy stone tighter. “You know who.”

  Silence filled the room, so dark without the light from the gray sky. Only the reflection from the violet forest, now deep purple, gave enough light to keep the room from total blackness. Those pauses, the ones I missed and hated all at the same time, would end up crushing me.

  “She…she was…hardened. You would’ve been too.”

  “You’re defending her. Still.”

  “In her heart, she wanted to right the wrongs. I…have to believe that. Kendal’s actions threatened everybody.”

  “Stop defending her.” The rage creeping from my twisted gut, traveling up my throat, caused my voice to shake.

  “She was in so much pain, so much anguish. What she did…I understand–”

  “No!” Rage turned apocalyptic, threatening to eat me whole, exploding from my lips. I turned to him. His face, the one that haunted my dreams, became my reality, was now foreign. “Stop it! Stop. Stop. Stop. No more! Don’t defend her!”

  “Please.” His plea stabbed my soul.

  “She was selfish, cruel! No one, nothing, was more important to her than accomplishing an impossible mission. Not even you. But, you put her on this pedestal.”

  His eyes narrowed, and even in the darkness, they glinted silver. Like steel, cold and unyielding. “She loved me.”

  “Yeah?” Oh, jealousy, I hate you. “Loved you so much she neglected to tell you about anything she was doing?”

  He pulled his hands behind his back, the action triggering the hail. It began to push through the window. The way his eyes turned to stone…never had he looked at me with such…hate.

  His hate fueled the agony, jealousy, and rage already exploding inside my heart. “I’m right, aren’t I? She didn’t trust you with the cosmic secret. No, she trusted Avery–a Synod member of all people. You meant nothing.”

  “You need to stop. Now.”

  “Or what? You gonna kill me? Make me pay for her apathy.” I rushed to him, pounding on his chest. “I love you. I trust you. But still, you think of her as some saint who deserves to be put above everyone? Does she go above me, Tarek?”

  He grabbed my wrists, his hold gentle despite the torment on his face and maelstrom outside. “You two…she is inside of you. You are her. Your love, passion, strength…they aren’t new. She didn’t start as cold–they made her that way.”

  He might as well have stabbed me in the heart. “I’m not her, and I never will be.” I pulled my wrists from his grip. “I thought you loved me. Looks like I thought wrong.”

  He didn’t say a word.

  “I can’t even… Nothing, Tarek? You got nothing to say?”

  Yup, nothing.

  A moan escaped my lips, the sound of dying. I rushed to the door, the darkness filling me, suffocating me. Before escaping down the stairs, I turned to face his back. “I’m leaving.”

  “It’s not safe.” He didn’t argue, though, or try to make me stay. He didn’t turn around either.

  I hated how I needed him to try to make me stay.

  “The others will be coming soon, and m
y being here might upset them. You can thank your wife, or whatever the hell she is to you, for that.” I waited for a reply, anything from him to show I was wrong about how he felt.

  He said nothing.

  I wasn’t wrong.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  The stairs were an endless, dark path leading me away from my heart. It lay on the stone floor of that bedroom, broken and bloodied with Tarek’s boot print.

  When I managed to make it into the bright room, the fire now tame, I fell. Just crumbled in the entrance. No more tears came. Numbness attacking from my lips to toes prevented them.

  He didn’t follow.

  Why didn’t he follow?

  Arms folded me in and the familiar scent of roses filled my nose. Belva. I curled into her, holding on as though letting go would suck me into an abyss. I couldn’t hear what she said, my ears refusing to work.

  He didn’t follow…

  Mom’s voice penetrated the numb shell protecting me, her soothing words ripping and tearing. “I’m right here, baby.”

  I looked up, meeting her eyes. Tears hovered there, making them shine like jewels.

  With her and Belva’s help, I stood. Jake rushed over, not bothering to wipe away the few tears leaking from his eyes. He led me to the couch, shoving a water and granola bar in my hands.

  “Thanks.” I opened the bottle and took a few sips. I even managed to have a couple bites of granola before my stomach refused to take in anymore.

  As I chewed, I found Farren standing close, his face tortured. He said, “Call it. What next?”

  I swallowed, the rough grains scratching my throat. What next? Dying wasn’t an option, leaving one solution.

  Fight.

  “We leave. Now.” I looked to Jake. “Expect visitors, but don’t approach any without Tarek. He’ll know who the enemy is and who isn’t. I-I can’t be around when they come. Winston…he’ll fill you all in.” I nodded to Belva. “Be ready.”

  She nodded in return and said nothing.

  Jake’s fists whitened and his lips thinned. “What happened up there, Lena? What’s wrong?”