by Lucy Gordon
‘Yes. Netta will expect an announcement tomorrow. What will you say to her?’
‘Nothing, I’ll just smile enigmatically. It’ll drive her mad.’
He gave a grunt of laughter and indicated his bandaged right hand and arm. ‘Look at me. How does she imagine that I could-?’
‘Like a hedgehog, very carefully.’
He laughed again and winced at the effort. When they were safely in the flat he collapsed on to the sofa.
‘Why didn’t you say you were in pain?’ she demanded.
‘Damn fool pride, I suppose. I’ve been practising exercises with my arm. I may have overdone it a bit.’
‘More than a bit. Have you taken your pain-killers?’
‘No, I thought it was time I tried to manage without them.’
‘Damn fool pride is right. Let the doctors decide that.’
She brought him a glass of mineral water and two of his pills, which he swallowed gratefully.
‘I think you should go to bed,’ she said. ‘Come on, I’ll help you.’
He put an arm around her shoulders and together they went into the bedroom. With impersonal hands she undressed him down to his shorts, helped to ease him on to the pillows, and drew the duvet up over him.
‘Sorry,’ he said with a sigh.
‘Don’t be silly,’ she said, sitting on the bed beside him. ‘It’s partly my fault. I shouldn’t have let you go to that party.’
‘Think you could have stopped me?’
‘I could have knocked you out.’
‘Nah! Never repeat yourself.’
She smiled at his game attempt at humour. ‘Shall I go away and let you sleep?’
‘No, stay and talk to me,’ he whispered.
‘What about?’
‘Did you really say it?’
‘Say what?’ she asked, puzzled.
He was silent and she thought he must have fallen asleep, but then, still with his eyes closed, he said, ‘Not again!’
‘Luke-?’
He opened his eyes.
‘You said, “Oh, God, not again!” Or did I dream that? I was pretty much out of it, but I thought I heard you.’
Now she knew what he meant. In the shock of seeing him lying on the floor, covered in blood, she’d gathered him in her arms and had felt herself wrenched back to that other time. For a terrible moment she hadn’t known which of them she held.
Her throat constricted and she couldn’t speak. She dropped her head into her hands and stayed there, her eyes closed, in torment, until she felt his good hand brush her hair.
‘Tell me.’
‘I can’t,’ she said hoarsely.
‘Minnie, you must tell someone, or you’ll go mad. What is it that you’ve been hiding for so long? Why can’t you speak of it?’
‘Because I can’t,’ she said passionately. ‘I just can’t.’
‘Trust me, carissima. You can tell me anything. Just trust me as a friend.’
He thought she would refuse again, but then a shudder went through her and she raised her head. Her eyes were full of tears, and he wasn’t sure that she could see him. But after a moment she took a deep breath, and began to tell him everything.
CHAPTER NINE
‘I LOVED Gianni,’ she said softly. ‘I loved him with all my heart and soul. We were close in every way a man and woman can be close. We laughed at the same jokes, saw the world through the same eyes, and when we made love, everything was perfect.
‘But in the last year things started to go wrong. My career had suddenly taken off and I had to devote a lot more time to it. He’d never minded before but he began to mind about my being away from home so often. And even when I was here I had to do a lot of work. He resented it, and we began to quarrel.
‘In the end we seemed to do almost nothing but bicker. We tried to set aside some time for ourselves, we planned a big meal-we were going to cook it together-it was going to make everything right. But at the last minute I was called out to see a client. We had a terrible fight. He said if I went out now we were finished, he never wanted to see me again. I said that suited me fine because I’d had enough of him.
‘I ran out, to go to my client. He called after me, then ran down the stairs into the street. I heard him but I didn’t even look behind, I was so angry. So I didn’t hear what happened, I only heard the crash and people screaming.’
She stopped, shuddering. Silently Luke reached up to curve his arm around her and draw her down against him.
‘Go on,’ he said sombrely.
‘When I heard that terrible noise, I did look back. Gianni was lying on the ground, blood pouring from his head. He’d been hit by a truck. I ran back. He was lying so still and his eyes were closed, but I wouldn’t let myself believe he could be dead. I had so much to say to him that I had to make him hear. I knelt beside him and lifted him in my arms, telling him I was sorry, I hadn’t meant what I said, I loved him. I kept screaming over and over again that I loved him, but he couldn’t hear.’
Her words ended in a gasp. Tears were pouring down her face, and he tightened his arm, letting his lips rest on her hair, but saying nothing.
‘I did love him,’ she sobbed. ‘I didn’t mean any of those things I said, and I was going to say sorry when I came home. But when I tried to tell him, he couldn’t hear me. The last thing he heard me say was that I’d had enough of him-that was the last thing-the last thing-’
An anguished wail broke from her as her control collapsed, letting misery break through in a fierce stream that blotted out the world. There were no words now, just a wail that went on and on, as endless as her grief.
‘Minnie-’ he whispered. ‘Minnie-Minnie-’
‘It was the last thing he heard,’ she screamed. ‘I told him I was sorry-I told him again and again but he couldn’t hear-he was dead and now he’ll never know-’
The wail came again, punctuated by violent sobs that shook her until Luke feared she would break apart. He held on to her, cursing his own helplessness, feeling her grief become his own agony.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ he said, knowing that the reasonable words were worse than useless. All he could do was hold her against him, letting the warmth of his body communicate comfort, and hoping it would somehow reach her.
He was a man of action, who took firm decisions and saw things through to the end. Now he was all at sea, floundering, trying to achieve something that wasn’t in his power, desperate at his own uselessness.
He didn’t speak again, just rested his cheek against her hair, waiting for the storm to pass. Gradually her sobs subsided into a soft moan.
‘It was my fault,’ she said at last.
‘What do you mean? How can it be?’
‘If I’d gone back when he first called me-it wouldn’t have happened. I could have stopped it-he’d be alive now-’
‘Minnie, don’t think like that,’ he begged. ‘It’s the way to madness.’
‘I know. I’ve gone mad, and come back and gone mad. In my dreams it happens all over again, but this time I turn around and go back, and he’s safe, and he stays alive. And then I wake and he’s dead, and I go mad again.’
She was clutching his arm, her fingers digging in so tightly that he winced with pain, but he didn’t try to pull away. Nothing would have made him move at this moment.
‘I keep thinking that if only I could turn time back, and stop it in the right place-’ she whispered.
‘I know, I know-’
‘I try and try, but it goes on without me, and there’s nothing I can do.’
‘There never is,’ he said sadly. ‘Finality is the hardest thing to accept. There’s nothing to be done, and you can beat yourself senseless trying.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But being senseless would be a relief. It’s remembering that’s torture.’
‘What do the others in the family say? Surely they don’t blame you?’
‘They don’t know. Nobody knows.’
‘Dear God!’ he whispered, appalled by
her isolation.
‘Nobody else heard what we said. Several people saw him chase me down the stairs and out into the road, but they didn’t know we were quarrelling. They think he was trying catch me up because I’d forgotten something, or he wanted to give me a final kiss. I’ve never been able to tell Netta the truth, not just for my own sake, I swear it, but because it would add to her pain. She can just about cope with thinking it was an accident-’
‘It was an accident.’
‘No, it wasn’t,’ she said with bitter self-condemnation. ‘It happened because I was angry and cruel and-’
‘Stop it!’ he said fiercely. ‘Stop it, don’t talk like that. You’re not to blame. It was just one of those terrible flips of the coin that happen without warning. It destroyed him, but it’s come near to destroying you, too.’
‘Yes,’ she agreed bleakly. ‘Sometimes I look at Netta and wonder what she’d think if she knew the truth. She’s kind to me and I want to tell her that I don’t deserve it.’
‘But you do. You deserve kindness and love and everything that’s good. How can I convince you?’
She didn’t answer for a long time, and then she simply repeated, ‘He’ll never know,’ in a broken whisper. ‘I’ve tried to tell him so often since. Just before the funeral I saw him in his coffin and I told him that I loved him and I was sorry, but it was no use. It wasn’t him. He was cold and grey like a waxwork and I couldn’t see my Gianni because he’d gone somewhere I couldn’t follow.’
A memory came back to him.
‘That day when I saw you at his grave-’
‘We go there on anniversaries, his birthday, the day he died-I’d rather go alone but Netta likes it to be a family party.’
‘Yes, I remember, it almost looked like a party. The boys were telling him jokes.’
‘That’s how it is. Gianni’s still one of the family. They talk as though he were there. They still love him, like they still love me, and I feel such a fraud.’
‘And when you all went away, you turned to look back at him, and I saw your face. Everything you’ve just told me was there, only I didn’t understand.’
‘I knew you’d seen me, with the truth written all over me, and I hated you for it.’
‘Don’t hate me,’ he begged. ‘Minnie don’t-don’t, please-’
‘How can I ever hate you? I’ve trusted you with something that nobody else in the world knows, and I still don’t understand why.’
She spoke like a puzzled child and he knew a sudden surge of protectiveness.
‘Because you know in your heart that you can trust me,’ he said. ‘I’m your friend, and I won’t let you down. I’m here to take care of you.’
‘It’s supposed to be me looking after you,’ she said, changing her position so that she could prop herself on her elbows and look directly at him.
Her face was still ravaged, and running with tears that she no longer seemed to notice. He stroked his fingers tentatively over her cheeks.
‘We’ll have to look after each other,’ he said fondly, ‘in different ways.’
‘Can I get you anything before you settle down for the night?’ she asked. She gave a little choke and tried to pull herself together.
‘No, I’m all right. The pills are working now. But what about you? I don’t think you’re all right.’
‘I’m fine, honestly. Sorry I made such a fuss.’
‘You’re not making a fuss. Your whole life is going to be ruined if we can’t make this go away.’
‘It’ll never go away,’ she said simply. ‘It’ll always be there, and the only way I can cope is to live with it.’
‘But live with it how? By being overwhelmed with guilt? Minnie, you can’t spend your life atoning for something that wasn’t your fault.’
‘Why not? His life was taken away from him because of me. What right do I have to a life?’
‘Or to happiness?’ he asked angrily. ‘Or to love? His life was his life, and it’s over. You can’t prolong it by sacrificing the rest of yours.’
She shook her head and tried to pull away, but he held on to her.
‘Minnie-’
‘Let me go, I shouldn’t have told you.’
‘Yes, you should, because I’m the one person who can let the light of day into this. Trust me, Minnie!’
His voice was commanding and imploring at the same time, because something told him they were at a turning point and everything hung on this moment. She had turned to him but now she was turning away, and he knew he mustn’t let it happen.
Suddenly she went limp, as though all the fight had gone out of her, and he was able to draw her against him again.
‘Stay here,’ he said, commanding now. ‘You don’t need to fetch me anything, so stay with me.’
‘All right,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘Just for a few minutes.’
He could feel her body relaxing against him, as though she’d just found something she was waiting for, and in another moment she was asleep.
For a while he listened to her steady breathing, scarcely daring to hope that she had finally found a little peace. He wished he could see her face, but it was enough that she lay there, content and unafraid, in his arms.
He could almost have laughed to think how he’d yearned to have her in his bed, her body pressed against his. Now he had his wish, while at the same time being further away from it than ever. Yet he’d been granted something else, infinitely more sweet and precious, and full of hope.
His good arm ached from being trapped in one position, but nothing would have made him move and disturb her. So he stayed as he was, drifting slowly off to sleep, until he awoke in the small hours to find that the arm was numb, and she hadn’t moved by so much as an inch.
Minnie’s first sight on waking was the window of her bedroom, just as it had always been. But as memory came back she realised that she was in the wrong place. She should be sleeping in the spare room.
Only then did she become aware of Luke’s body pressed against hers, his warmth reaching her through the thickness of the duvet that was between them, his good arm beneath her, his bad arm covering her protectively.
Moving carefully, she raised herself and turned, to find him regarding her from sleepy eyes, just as she’d last seen him before she’d fallen asleep. It was as though he hadn’t slept at all, but had spent the night watching over her.
‘Are you all right?’ were his first words.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she said, realising that it was true. ‘Goodness, is that the time?’
It was seven in the morning. Reluctantly, she disentangled herself and rose from the bed, wandering out of the room, too preoccupied to think where she was going. She realised that she was still fully dressed, and memories of the night before began to come back to her.
She had brought him home to look after him, but somehow he’d ended up looking after her. He’d done what nobody else could do, had drawn her agonising secret from her into the light of day, had given her a feeling of peace and strength that she hadn’t known for four years.
But it was more than that. In his arms she’d slept like a baby, with no dreams, and this morning she felt well and strong. A healing had begun in her, and that it should be Luke, of all people, who’d brought it about, filled her with wonder.
Most wondrous of all was the fact that he’d held her all night without making a single move that couldn’t have been made by a brother, or a nurse. She’d been deeply asleep, but instinct told her that she’d been safe and protected in his arms.
He didn’t try to make love to me, she thought, smiling. That’s the best thing of all, but nobody else would understand.
He’d said, ‘Your whole life is going to be ruined if we can’t make this go away.’
We! Not you, but we-the two of us, acting together as friends and allies.
She went to look out of the window on to the staircase where there were already signs of life. Behind her she could hear Luke moving about until h
e finally joined her. He was moving his left arm gingerly.
‘I’m sorry. Did I keep it trapped all night?’ she said fondly.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll regain the use of it one day soon.’
They laughed together, and the warmth she felt was quite different from the sensual excitement of kissing him. It was the warmth of safety, and it made her realise anew how long she’d been without it.
Over breakfast he said, ‘I wish you didn’t have to go out today.’
It was a casual friendly remark, but it carried a new meaning now. She, too, was reluctant to step outside the magic circle they had created.
‘I wish I didn’t, too. But I’ve got a big trial coming up. I’m defending someone in a case that should never have been brought in the first place. It’s a try-on. They’re hoping to scare him into paying them off, and I’m not going to let them.’
‘So you’re going into battle?’ he said.
‘That’s right. And I may not be very good company when I’m here, so-’
‘Minnie, it’s all right,’ he said quickly. ‘You’ve promised to defend this man and you should give it all you’ve got.’
Her smile was full of relief, and it hurt him to see it.
He used her absence to make some urgent calls, several to the bank and one to a man the bank had found for him. His name was Eduardo Viccini. He called on Luke that afternoon, and they spent several hours going through papers and discussing tactics.
He had expected Minnie to be late following her day in court, but she was home for supper, and only just missed the visitor by minutes. Luke breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t ready for Minnie to meet Eduardo Viccini.
She came in smiling, carrying a heavy bag, which she dumped on to the sofa, and followed it, bouncing up and down gleefully.
‘You look like a kid let out of school,’ he said with a grin.
‘That’s how I feel. Free! Free!’
‘Your case can’t be over already.’
‘But it is. The other side backed down. They thought we were going to crack but we didn’t, and they withdrew. I told you it was a try on. My client will get his costs, the other side gets a great big debt that they’ve run up with their lawyers, and it serves them right. And I get a holiday because I set aside time for a trial that isn’t going to take place. Free!’