Forty Scrubs

by Joanna George

  Chapter Sixteen

  I was in Maths when the Year Ten Coordinator came in to ask if I could be dismissed. She asked me to pack my books up too.

  I followed her into her office and sat in the chair opposite.

  ‘I have some good news for you, Keisha,’ she said.

  ‘Oh really? What is it?’

  ‘I had a call from your father. He said Samantha has come out of the coma and she has been asking for you.’

  Was this true?

  Sam was alive and well?

  For the past three weeks I had been dragging my feet along like I had a ball and chain attached to my ankle. My only small stumbles of excitement were seeing Mr Matthews and having Craig talk to me.

  I was disappointed in Jessica not telling me about Mr Matthews but realised why she didn’t. I was happy she finally had a boyfriend though even if it meant he could no longer shrink me. She was so thrilled and I couldn’t take that away from her.

  I had nothing more to worry about.

  Sam was back in my world.

  ‘Really? She’s really out of the coma?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, she came out of it a few hours ago.’

  ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘Your father said she’s a bit groggy but she has been asking for you, so I told him you’d be along as soon as you could. Are you okay to get to the hospital?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll get the bus. That’s what I’ve been doing all the time.’

  ‘Alright,’ she said smiling, ‘you hurry up and get going. Go on.’

  On the bus I couldn’t contain myself. I wanted to shout out, ‘Sam is alive!’ but I didn’t. I was nervous about seeing her. I had no idea what to expect.

  Sam was smiling up at Dad when I walked into the room. She was a picture of beauty. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride. I was so proud to have her in my life. Sam was the most important person in the world to me.

  She was my best friend.

  My mum was my best friend.

  ‘Sweetheart,’ she said, slowly outstretching her arms as I walked towards her.

  I was so pleased she knew who I was. She hadn’t changed apart from being paler and thinner.

  ‘Oh, Sam,’ I said, running into her embrace. Tears were streaming down my face. I was getting the tics terribly.

  ‘I’m sorry I put you through all this, Keisha. I’m so sorry,’ she said. Her voice was quiet and croaky.

  She tried to hug me tightly but her grasp was weak. Even though she felt so much smaller the feeling I had was phenomenal. It was like she really was my mother, like she owned me.

  We stayed like that for fifteen minutes.

  We cried.

  We stroked one another.

  ‘Oh, Sam, I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re back. I’m so happy.’

  She wiped the tears from my face, smiled and shook her head. ‘God, I’m so proud of you, Keisha.’

  ‘Oh, Sam, I’m so proud of you! You look so thin though, Sam. I’m going to have to cook some nice big dinners for you,’ I said sniffing and wiping my eyes.

  ‘And I’m the one who usually does all the cooking. What are you going to cook me?’

  ‘Oh, anything you want, Sam. Absolutely anything.’

  I had questions for Sam but this wasn’t the time for them.

  ‘Guess what, Sam?’ Jessi said, coming closer to the bed and putting her arm around me.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Guess what our little sister has gone and done? You’ll be very proud of her.’

  ‘Really? What’s she done?’

  ‘Go on, tell her, Keish,’ Jessica said.

  ‘Don’t embarrass me, Jessica. Oh, I’ve just started doing Cognitive Therapy.’

  Sam’s eyes widened, and she smiled. ‘Oh, Keisha, that’s absolutely wonderful news.’ She stroked my hand as her eyes started to water.

  ‘I really am proud of you.’

  I had a long way to go yet. When I became President of the Reformed Obsessive Freaks and sent Alex back to Mars a Martian to be proud of, that’s when they could say they were proud of me.

  ‘Okay, that’s enough already. I’ve only been to see the psychotherapist once.’

  ‘And what’s he or she like?’ Sam asked.

  ‘He’s actually lovely, more like a friend,’ I said and looked at Jessica. She smiled at me and I continued, ‘but I’m probably going to change and go to someone else.’

  ‘That’s really good but why do you have to change?’

  I explained what had happened the other day when Mr Matthews knocked on the door for Jessica. Sam thought it was funny but knew I shouldn’t continue going to him.

  Sam came home after a few more days in hospital. I was so happy to have her back. I asked her about her attempted suicide when we were alone in the kitchen one night. I was the only one who dared to.

  ‘It was actually an accident, Keish,’ she said, looking shocked I’d thought otherwise. ‘I was really depressed but I didn’t try killing myself. I just drank too much and broke the bottle on my wrist when I collapsed on the bed.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I really thought you had meant to do it,’ I said cupping my hands around my mug.

  ‘God, no. I wouldn’t go leaving you like that. No way, Keisha. I hope you don’t think that still,’ she said putting one hand on mine.

  I told her I believed her and we spoke about Alex being abused by Stan too. She wasn’t surprised.

  There was a knock at the door. I heard Dad call from the lounge he’d answer it.

  ‘Nell, hello. What are you doing here?’ I heard him say.

  Sam almost dropped her coffee on the bench.

  She was shaking.

  She looked the palest I’d seen her yet.

  ‘I need to talk to you all,’ Nell answered back.

  None of us had spoken to either of them since Dad and I left Queensland.

  ‘Okay, come in,’ he said.

  She walked into the kitchen.

  She looked very pale and thin.

  She and Sam could have been the Casper twins.

  ‘Where’s Stan?’ Dad asked.

  ‘He’s at home. He doesn’t know I’ve come.’

  ‘You’d better take a seat. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?’

  ‘Er, I’ll have a tea please.’

  She sat next to me.

  Sam watched her squeeze her fingers one by one. She was mesmerized.

  ‘So what can we help you with, Nell?’ Dad asked pouring hot water into a mug.

  ‘I’ve come to talk to you about Stan.’

  ‘Well, I guessed it would be that, but we have nothing more to say about it, Nell. It’s all been done and said.’

  ‘No, it hasn’t. There’s a lot more to this than you realise.’

  ‘What more could there be? That Stan is sorry for what he did? I don’t think so, Nell. And sorry wouldn’t cut it anyway.’

  Dad was angry.

  The tics were resurfacing.

  ‘Of course he is sorry. He is a changed person, and I still believe Sam led him on.’

  I looked at Sam. The poor girl didn’t know any of this.

  Her mouth was gaping.

  Her eyes were wide.

  She looked like a ghost that had seen a ghost.

  ‘Yes, that is the truth, there’s no doubt about it,’ Nell said before taking a mouthful of tea.

  Sam suddenly leaned forward and pointed her finger at her. ‘Hang on a minute, Nell. If you’re referring to me as a slut, you can apologise. Your husband raped me. I had no control over it whatsoever.’

  ‘Yes, Sam, you were a slut. Look at those short skirts you used to wear, those low cut tops. You reeled Stan in with your youth and cheap clothes.’

  Sam stood up now.

  But I expected her to levitate.

  ‘How dare you, woman! How dare you say that about me. If that man has told you I led him on he is nothing but a lying Nazi. I can’t
believe you think I’m some cheap slut.’

  ‘Well, you are, Sam. Surely you can admit that.’

  ‘For God’s sakes. Will you just listen to yourself, woman! Please, just for one minute. Even if I did consent to having sex with that man, he would have been having sex with a minor. I was thirteen. Doesn’t that count for anything in your small, ignorant mind?’

  ‘Of course it does, but Stan was going through a lot of stress at the time and when you fluttered your eyelids at him and tarted yourself up, he thought he was in for a real treat.’

  Both were standing up and staring at one another across the table.

  I thought they were going to go in for the kill.

  But if they did their limpid bodies wouldn’t even touch.

  Then, like an apparition, Alex materialised from the doorway.

  ‘Don’t you dare say my sister is a slut, you hateful woman. Your husband is a rapist.’ Her voice hollered above all of ours.

  Nell was stunned. ‘Where did - ? How?’

  ‘That’s right. Your husband is a rapist. Sam wasn’t the only one he did it to,’ Alex said.

  ‘What?’

  Nell didn’t know where to look.

  She was overwhelmed.

  I almost felt sorry for her.

  ‘Yes, your so-called wonderful husband molested me too.’

  She was surrounded by a gang.

  It was like we were in the schoolyard.

  Soon we would be throwing stones at her and calling her names like ‘geeky imbecile’.

  ‘I er – I – that can’t be true. You’re just saying that because Sam is your sister.’

  ‘I wouldn’t say it, Nell. Do you really think I wanted to come down here to have an argument with you? No way, man. I was quite happy up in my room until I heard you calling my sister a slut. If your pathetic excuse for a husband said Sam came onto him he’s one lying swine. He got me to touch him too.’

  ‘No, no, that can’t be true. You’re making this all up to get at Stan. No, it’s not true.’

  ‘It is. Why don’t you just come to your senses and see what your precious husband is really like. Just because the swine won all that money and now lives on the Gold Coast it doesn’t mean you have to stick up for him. I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s up there right now having sex with a load of underage girls.’

  ‘Alex, that’s enough,’ Dad said.

  ‘No, Dad. It’s got to be said. That man goes for little girls and it’s sick. Nell needs to know what he’s really like.’

  Alex put a firm arm on Nell’s and shook her.

  ‘Come on, Alex. That’s enough now. Let go of her,’ Dad said.

  Alex took her arm away and Nell sat down before taking a tissue out of her pocket.

  Once she had stopped sniffing she looked at me and muttered, ‘whatever you might think of Stan, he is not your father.’

  ‘Come on, Nell, we’ve been through all this before. It’s not like we want your money. We just want justice,’ Dad said. ‘Why did you bother coming down here?’

  ‘I came down to tell you that he is not her biological father.’

  ‘And why are you telling us this now?’

  ‘Because Stan and I tried for a baby for years and I could never get pregnant.’

  ‘So, what makes you think it isn’t your problem? That you have faulty eggs or something?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Well, we tried conceiving for a long time and just gave up because it wasn’t happening. We had considered IVF but it was too expensive for us then.’

  ‘But why are you telling us this?’ Alex asked.

  ‘Because Stan had his sperm tested, and he has a low sperm count. That was the reason we couldn’t get pregnant and that’s the reason he is not Keisha’s father.’

  ‘That’s not possible, Nell. Stan was the only one I was ever in sexual contact with when I was thirteen,’ Sam said.

  ‘Are you sure about that?’

  ‘Yes, of course I am. That is something I should definitely know, I think.’

  Nell turned to Dad. ‘She’s lying, Tony. There’s no way Stan is Keisha’s dad.’

  ‘She’s not lying. I think you need to prove this low sperm count thing to us.’

  She rummaged around in her bag.

  What was she going to pull out?

  A Petri dish full of nothing?

  An ultrasound scan of her uterus with no baby in it?

  ‘Here you go, Tony. Here’s proof from his doctor. Call the doctor if you don’t believe me,’ she said handing Dad a piece of paper.

  He read the contents. ‘She’s right, he does have a low sperm count.’

  ‘You’re kidding. Let me see,’ Sam said, taking the paper.

  ‘This can’t be right. He really did get me pregnant.’

  Sam handed it back to Nell.

  ‘Well, not as this proves. Sorry, Sam, now you’ll have to start hunting for Keisha’s real dad.’

  ‘Unfortunately, Nell, Stan is my real dad. There’s something wrong with those tests,’ I said. As much as I wanted the tests to be true I knew Sam wouldn’t have lied to me.

  ‘I don’t think so. I made him have the tests.’

  ‘Do you want to know why he has a low sperm count, Nell? Because he’s molested so many girls he has no sperm left in his ancient fat body. That’s why.’

  ‘Alex, I told you to stop!’ Dad said.

  ‘Well, she makes me angry, Dad. Her coming round here and sticking up for that rapist, then trying to say he’s not Keisha’s father. She’s nothing but an interfering old biddy and a liar!’

  ‘Alex, that’s it. If you don’t stop this you can leave the kitchen.’

  ‘Okay, okay!’

  ‘Well, I’ll be off now. I came to tell you what I had to. I’ll show myself out.’

  ‘You do that,’ Sam said.

  I couldn’t sleep that night. My mind was brimming with thoughts and a myriad of emotions. I was overjoyed Sam was home, and we were slowly getting our home back to normal. I was making steps to treat my obsessions. But I had worries I couldn’t comprehend. They were there but I didn’t know how to decipher them, arrange them into any kind of order.

  Mr Matthews suggested I do something I enjoy when I felt as though my thoughts were controlling me, so I wrote a poem.

  Forty scrubs

  Will they wash away my fears?

  Will they take away my tears?

  Will I stumble down the road of sadness?

  Or will I surrender to my utter madness?

  Will Craig and I ever merge as one?

  Or am I destined to be an unloved nun?

  Will my obsessions ever fade to night?

  Or will my mania take a whopping flight?

  And will my life always be one big test?

  Or will I reach the finish line as first best?

  *****

  Epilogue

  I was still seeing a shrink but it wasn’t Mr Matthews. It was his brother. I just prayed he wasn’t doing hanky panky with any of the other Morgan girls. He would’ve been too old for Alex although she had been known to have her fair share of good old Samaritan men. And if he was seeing Sam, that would’ve been just weird. I wanted this shrink all to myself because I liked him.

  He helped me acknowledge my fears.

  He helped me embrace them.

  He helped me realise it was okay to have them.

  So for the first time in my life, after the challenging journey I’d been on, I began to recognise I was equal to everyone else. I wasn’t the castaway on my own crazy island garnished with nothing but obsessions and phobias.

  My fears were unique.

  My life was unique.

  I was unique.

  And for the first time in my life, I was happy. It wasn’t an induced or brainwashed happiness either. It was my own because I was finally beginning to like myself.

  At school Craig uttered the occasional sentence to me – ‘
hey, how you going?’ – but my contact with him was nothing to write home about.

  Dougall said Craig always asked the girls how they were going but it didn’t worry me. I knew I would have a boyfriend when I was ready but right now I was too busy finding out who I was.

  I didn’t find out if there was any truth to Stan not being my biological father because I knew there wasn’t and I couldn’t be a Charlie’s Angel or Mrs James Bond anymore. I had grown tired of trekking the country, checking in and out of hotels, inspecting wealthy homes and meeting dirty old men. Only joking. If the truth be known I was tired of hurting people. I was tired of hurting myself.

  But I knew things would be okay now because I had my family, I had Dougall and I had myself – fears, obsessions, phobias, forty scrubs and all. If I wasn’t certain of anything I knew I was certain of two things in my life:

  I loved my mother, Sam.

  I loved myself.