The Zane Grey Megapack

by Zane Grey

  And so, however you look at it, war means for women sacrifice, disillusion, heartbreak, agony, doom. I feel that so powerfully that I am overcome; I am sick at the gaiety and playing; I am full of fear, wonder, admiration, and hopeless pity for them.

  No man can tell what is going on in the souls of soldiers while noble women are offering love and tenderness, throwing themselves upon the altar of war, hoping blindly to send their great spirits marching to the front. Perhaps the man who lives through the war will feel the change in his soul if he cannot tell it. Day by day I think I see a change in my comrades. As they grow physically stronger they seem to grow spiritually lesser. But maybe that is only my idea. I see evidences of fear, anger, sullenness, moodiness, shame. I see a growing indifference to fatigue, toil, pain. As these boys harden physically they harden mentally. Always, ’way off there is the war, and that seems closely related to the near duty here—what it takes to make a man. These fellows will measure men differently after this experience with sacrifice, obedience, labor, and pain. In that they will become great. But I do not think these things stimulate a man’s mind. Changes are going on in me, some of which I am unable to define. For instance, physically I am much bigger and stronger than I was. I weigh one hundred and eighty pounds! As for my mind, something is always tugging at it. I feel that it grows tired. It wants to forget. In spite of my will, all of these keen desires of mine to know everything lag and fail often, and I catch myself drifting. I see and feel and hear without thinking. I am only an animal then. At these times sight of blood, or a fight, or a plunging horse, or a broken leg—and these sights are common—affects me little until I am quickened and think about the meaning of it all. At such moments I have a revulsion of feeling. With memory comes a revolt, and so on, until I am the distressed, inquisitive, and morbid person I am now. I shudder at what war will make me. Actual contact with earth, exploding guns, fighting comrades, striking foes, will make brutes of us all. It is wrong to shed another man’s blood. If life was meant for that why do we have progress? I cannot reconcile a God with all this horror. I have misgivings about my mind. If I feel so acutely here in safety and comfort, what shall I feel over there in peril and agony? I fear I shall laugh at death. Oh, Lenore, consider that! To laugh in the ghastly face of death! If I yield utterly to a fiendish joy of bloody combat, then my mind will fail, and that in itself would be evidence of God.

  I do not read over my letters to you, I just write. Forgive me if they are not happier. Every hour I think of you. At night I see your face in the shadow of the tent wall. And I love you unutterably.

  Faithfully,

  Kurt Dorn.

  * * * *

  Camp ——, November —,

  Dear Sister—

  It’s bad news I’ve got for you this time. Something bids me tell you, though up to now I’ve kept unpleasant facts to myself.

  The weather has knocked me out. My cold came back, got worse and worse. Three days ago I had a chill that lasted for fifteen minutes. I shook like a leaf. It left me, and then I got a terrible pain in my side. But I didn’t give in, which I feel now was a mistake. I stayed up till I dropped.

  I’m here in the hospital. It’s a long shed with three stoves, and a lot of beds with other sick boys. My bed is far away from a stove. The pain is bad yet, but duller, and I’ve fever. I’m pretty sick, honey. Tell mother and dad, but not the girls. Give my love to all. And don’t worry. It’ll all come right in the end. This beastly climate’s to blame.

  Later,—It’s night now. I was interrupted. I’ll write a few more lines. Hope you can read them. It’s late and the wind is moaning outside. It’s so cold and dismal. The fellow in the bed next to me is out of his head. Poor devil! He broke his knee, and they put off the operation—too busy! So few doctors and so many patients! And now he’ll lose his leg. He’s talking about home. Oh, Lenore! Home! I never knew what home was—till now.

  I’m worse tonight. But I’m always bad at night. Only, tonight I feel strange. There’s a weight on my chest, besides the pain. That moan of wind makes me feel so lonely. There’s no one here—and I’m so cold. I’ve thought a lot about you girls and mother and dad. Tell dad I made good.

  Jim.

  CHAPTER XXV

  Jim’s last letter was not taken seriously by the other members of the Anderson family. The father shook his head dubiously. “That ain’t like Jim,” but made no other comment. Mrs. Anderson sighed. The young sisters were not given to worry. Lenore, however, was haunted by an unwritten meaning in her brother’s letter.

  Weeks before, she had written to Dorn and told him to hunt up Jim. No reply had yet come from Dorn. Every day augmented her uneasiness, until it was dreadful to look for letters that did not come. All this fortified her, however, to expect calamity. Like a bolt out of the clear sky it came in the shape of a telegram from Camp —— saying that Jim was dying.

  The shock prostrated the mother. Jim had been her favorite. Mr. Anderson left at once for the East. Lenore had the care of her mother and the management of “Many Waters” on her hands, which duties kept her mercifully occupied. Mrs. Anderson, however, after a day, rallied surprisingly. Lenore sensed in her mother the strength of the spirit that sacrificed to a noble and universal cause. It seemed to be Mrs. Anderson’s conviction that Jim had been shot, or injured by accident in gun-training, or at least by a horse. Lenore did not share her mother’s idea and was reluctant to dispel it. On the evening of the fifth day after Mr. Anderson’s departure a message came, saying that he had arrived too late to see Jim alive. Mrs. Anderson bore the news bravely, though she weakened perceptibly.

  The family waited then for further news. None came. Day after day passed. Then one evening, while Lenore strolled in the gloaming, Kathleen came running to burst out with the announcement of their father’s arrival. He had telephoned from Vale for a car to meet him.

  Not long after that, Lenore, who had gone to her room, heard the return of the car and recognized her father’s voice. She ran down in time to see him being embraced by the girls, and her mother leaning with bowed head on his shoulder.

  “Yes, I fetched Jim—back,” he said, steadily, but very low. “It’s all arranged.… An’ we’ll bury him tomorrow.”

  “Oh—dad!” cried Lenore.

  “Hello, my girl!” he replied, and kissed her. “I’m sorry to tell you I couldn’t locate Kurt Dorn.… That New York—an’ that trainin’ camp!”

  He held up his hands in utter futility of expression. Lenore’s quick eyes noted his face had grown thin and haggard, and she made sure with a pang that his hair was whiter.

  “I’m sure glad to be home,” he said, with a heavy expulsion of breath. “I want to clean up an’ have a bite to eat.”

  * * * *

  Lenore was so disappointed at failing to hear from Dorn that she did not think how singular it was her father did not tell more about Jim. Later he seemed more like himself, and told them simply that Jim had contracted pneumonia and died without any message for his folk at home. This prostrated Mrs. Anderson again.

  Later Lenore sought her father in his room. He could not conceal from her that he had something heartrending on his mind. Then there was more than tragedy in his expression. Lenore felt a leap of fear at what seemed her father’s hidden anger. She appealed to him—importuned him. Plainer it came to her that he wanted to relieve himself of a burden. Then doubling her persuasions, she finally got him to talk.

  “Lenore, it’s not been so long ago that right here in this room Jim begged me to let him enlist. He wasn’t of age. But would I let him go—to fight for the honor of our country—for the future safety of our home?… We all felt the boy’s eagerness, his fire, his patriotism. Wayward as he’s been, we suddenly were proud of him. We let him go. We gave him up. He was a part of our flesh an’ blood—sent by us Andersons—to do our share.”

  Anderson paused in his halting speech, and swallowed hard. His white face twitched strangely and his brow was clammy. Lenore saw that his pi
ercing gaze looked far beyond her for the instant that he broke down.

  “Jim was a born fighter,” the father resumed. “He wasn’t vicious. He just had a leanin’ to help anybody. As a lad he fought for his little pards—always on the right side—an’ he always fought fair.… This opportunity to train for a soldier made a man of him. He’d have made his mark in the war. Strong an’ game an’ fierce, he’d … he’d … Well, he’s dead—he’s dead!… Four months after enlistment he’s dead.… An’ he never had a rifle in his hands! He never had his hands on a machine-gun or a piece of artillery!… He never had a uniform! He never had an overcoat! He never …”

  Then Mr. Anderson’s voice shook so that he had to stop to gain control. Lenore was horrified. She felt a burning stir within her.

  “Lemme get this—out,” choked Anderson, his face now livid, his veins bulging. “I’m drove to tell it. I was near all day locatin’ Jim’s company. Found the tent where he’d lived. It was cold, damp, muddy. Jim’s messmates spoke high of him. Called him a prince!… They all owed him money. He’d done many a good turn for them. He had only a thin blanket, an’ he caught cold. All the boys had colds. One night he gave that blanket to a boy sicker than he was. Next day he got worse.… There was miles an’ miles of them tents. I like to never found the hospital where they’d sent Jim. An’ then it was six o’clock in the mornin’—a raw, bleak day that’d freeze one of us to the marrow. I had trouble gettin’ in. But a soldier went with me an’—an’ …”

  Anderson’s voice went to a whisper, and he looked pityingly at Lenore.

  “That hospital was a barn. No doctors! Too early.… The nurses weren’t in sight. I met one later, an’, poor girl! she looked ready to drop herself!… We found Jim in one of the little rooms. No heat! It was winter there.… Only a bed!… Jim lay on the floor, dead! He’d fallen or pitched off the bed. He had on only his underclothes that he had on—when he—left home.… He was stiff—an’ must have—been dead—a good while.”

  Lenore held out her trembling hands. “Dead—Jim dead—like that!” she faltered.

  “Yes. He got pneumonia,” replied Anderson, hoarsely. “The camp was full of it.”

  “But—my God! Were not the—the poor boys taken care of?” implored Lenore, faintly.

  “It’s a terrible time. All was done that could be done!”

  “Then—it was all—for nothing?”

  “All! All! Our boy an’ many like him—the best blood of our country—Western blood—dead because … because …”

  Anderson’s voice failed him.

  “Oh, Jim! Oh, my brother!… Dead like a poor neglected dog! Jim—who enlisted to fight—for—”

  Lenore broke down then and hurried away to her room.

  With great difficulty Mrs. Anderson was revived, and it became manifest that the prop upon which she had leaned had been slipped from under her. The spirit which had made her strong to endure the death of her boy failed when the sordid bald truth of a miserable and horrible waste of life gave the lie to the splendid fighting chance Jim had dreamed of.

  When Anderson realized that she was fading daily he exhausted himself in long expositions of the illness and injury and death common to armies in the making. More deaths came from these causes than from war. It was the elision of the weaker element—the survival of the fittest; and some, indeed very many, mothers must lose their sons that way. The government was sound at the core, he claimed; and his own rage was at the few incompetents and profiteers. These must be weeded out—a process that was going on. The gigantic task of a government to draft and prepare a great army and navy was something beyond the grasp of ordinary minds. Anderson talked about what he had seen and heard, proving the wonderful stride already made. But all that he said now made no impression upon Mrs. Anderson. She had made her supreme sacrifice for a certain end, and that was as much the boy’s fiery ambition to fight as it was her duty, common with other mothers, to furnish a man at the front. What a hopeless, awful sacrifice! She sank under it.

  Those were trying days for Lenore, just succeeding her father’s return; and she had little time to think of herself. When the mail came, day after day, without a letter from Dorn, she felt the pang in her breast grow heavier. Intimations crowded upon her of impending troubles that would make the present ones seem light.

  It was not long until the mother was laid to rest beside the son.

  When that day ended, Lenore and her father faced each other in her room, where he had always been wont to come for sympathy. They gazed at each other, with hard, dry eyes. Stark-naked truth—grim reality—the nature of this catastrophe—the consciousness of war—dawned for each in the look of the other. Brutal shock and then this second exceeding bitter woe awakened their minds to the futility of individual life.

  “Lenore—it’s over!” he said, huskily, as he sank into a chair. “Like a nightmare!… What have I got to live for?”

  “You have us girls,” replied Lenore. “And if you did not have us there would be many others for you to live for.… Dad, can’t you see—now?”

  “I reckon. But I’m growin’ old an’ mebbe I’ve quit.”

  “No, dad, you’ll never quit. Suppose all we Americans quit. That’d mean a German victory. Never! Never! Never!”

  “By God! you’re right!” he ejaculated, with the trembling strain of his face suddenly fixing. Blood and life shot into his eyes. He got up heavily and began to stride to and fro before her. “You see clearer than me. You always did, Lenore.”

  “I’m beginning to see, but I can’t tell you,” replied Lenore, closing her eyes. Indeed, there seemed a colossal vision before her, veiled and strange. “Whatever happens, we cannot break. It’s because of the war. We have our tasks—greater now than ever we believe could be thrust upon us. Yours to show men what you are made of! To raise wheat as never before in your life! Mine to show my sisters and my friends—all the women—what their duty is. We must sacrifice, work, prepare, and fight for the future.”

  “I reckon,” he nodded solemnly. “Loss of mother an’ Jim changes this damned war. Whatever’s in my power to do must go on. So someone can take it up when I—”

  “That’s the great conception, dad,” added Lenore, earnestly. “We are tragically awakened. We’ve been surprised—terribly struck in the dark. Something monstrous and horrible!… I can feel the menace in it for all—over every family in this broad land.”

  “Lenore, you said once that Jim—Now, how’d you know it was all over for him?”

  “A woman’s heart, dad. When I said good-by to Jim I knew it was good-by forever.”

  “Did you feel that way about Kurt Dorn?”

  “No. He will come back to me. I dream it. It’s in my spirit—my instinct of life, my flesh-and-blood life of the future—it’s in my belief in God. Kurt Dorn’s ordeal will be worse than death for him. But I believe as I pray—that he will come home alive.”

  “Then, after all, you do hope,” said her father. “Lenore, when I was down East, I seen what women were doin’. The bad women are good an’ the good women are great. I think women have more to do with war then men, even if they do stay home. It must be because women are mothers.… Lenore, you’ve bucked me up. I’ll go at things now. The need for wheat next year will be beyond calculation. I’ll buy ten thousand acres of that wheatland round old Chris Dorn’s farm. An’ my shot at the Germans will be wheat. I’ll raise a million bushels!”

  * * * *

  Next morning in the mail was a long, thick envelope addressed to Lenore in handwriting that shook her heart and made her fly to the seclusion of her room.

  New York City,

  November —.

  DEAREST,—when you receive this I will be in France.

  Then Lenore sustained a strange shock. The beloved handwriting faded, the thick sheets of paper fell; and all about her seemed dark and whirling, as the sudden joy and excitement stirred by the letter changed to sickening pain.

  “France! He’s in France?” she
whispered. “Oh, Kurt!” A storm of love and terror burst over her. It had the onset and the advantage of a bewildering surprise. It laid low, for the moment, her fortifications of sacrifice, strength, and resolve. She had been forced into womanhood, and her fear, her agony, were all the keener for the intelligence and spirit that had repudiated selfish love. Kurt Dorn was in France in the land of the trenches! Strife possessed her and had a moment of raw, bitter triumph. She bit her lips and clenched her fists, to restrain the impulse to rush madly around the room, to scream out her fear and hate. With forcing her thought, with hard return to old well-learned arguments, there came back the nobler emotions. But when she took up the letter again, with trembling hands, her heart fluttered high and sick, and she saw the words through blurred eyes.

  …I’ll give the letter to an ensign, who has promised to mail it the moment he gets back to New York.

  Lenore, your letter telling me about Jim was held up in the mail. But thank goodness, I got it in time. I’d already been transferred, and expected orders any day to go on board the transport, where I am writing now. I’d have written you, or at least telegraphed you, yesterday, after seeing Jim, if I had not expected to see him again today. But this morning we were marched on board and I cannot even get this letter off to you.

  Lenore, your brother is a very sick boy. I lost some hours finding him. They did not want to let me see him. But I implored—said that I was engaged to his sister—and finally I got in. The nurse was very sympathetic. But I didn’t care for the doctors in charge. They seemed hard, hurried, brusque. But they have their troubles. The hospital was a long barracks, and it was full of cripples.