Graced: A Love Letters Novel

by Kristen Blakely

  “They were best friends. Millie probably told Holly that she was crazy about you.”

  “Holly did what she thought was the right thing. She sent me back to Millie. I brought Millie to the prom instead. And you know the rest of the story.”

  Noelle blinked hard against the sting of tears in her eyes. Connor had wanted her. He had wanted her twelve years ago.

  “Open the gift,” Connor said quietly.

  Her hands trembled as she unwrapped the gift Connor had so carefully wrapped years earlier. “Oh…” She held up a little wooden jewelry case engraved with figures from Beatrix Potter’s iconic Peter Rabbit series. On the cover of the case, a mother rabbit sat on a rocking chair, cradling two little bunnies. “It’s adorable.” She looked up at Connor, a lump in her throat. “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you. Thank you for being around when I needed you. It couldn’t have been anyone else.”

  She realized it now. The connection between her and Connor had withstood both time as well as the well-intentioned meddling of her elder sister; no one, but she, could have reached him in his solitary, heartbroken struggles as a single parent. “Connor, I…don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s nothing to say. Nothing has changed.” His eyes were sad, but his voice was gentle. His kindness broke her heart. “I didn’t give this to you to guilt-trip you into staying in Havre de Grace. You need to do what’s right for you. I gave this to you because it’s always been yours, and you needed to know that what you did for us—for Hope, Grace, and me—was something only you could do. It’s meant so much to us, and I’m so grateful you came back when you did. You’ve helped us all move on.”

  The tears that filled her eyes did not blur her vision of the man in front of her. She set the jewelry box down on his dresser and stepped into his arms. When he breathed a kiss upon her lips, she opened her heart and mind, and surrendered her body entirely to his love.

  Chapter 12

  Noelle would not have classified the excursion to the promenade and boardwalk as a date, but she didn’t think Connor could have picked a better way to spend time together in a low-key and relaxed way, while including his children in the fun. Grace skipped ahead while Noelle and Connor followed with Hope, who insisted on walking and pushing her stroller, head down, like a charging bull moving at the speed of a tortoise.

  Making love to Connor the previous night had been an out-of-the-world experience, but holding his hand the next morning seemed the most natural thing in the world. It was the obvious extension of a friendship that had developed into something more, although Noelle still struggled to define it against the looming backdrop of her flight back to Los Angeles.

  She had spent her whole life trying to escape Havre de Grace.

  To change her mind because of one man seemed absurdly fickle.

  But that man was Connor Bradley, the man who had showed her that life could be surprisingly fulfilling in a small town where the height of excitement was a walk along the boardwalk.

  Noelle inhaled deeply. She didn’t have anywhere else to be.

  She didn’t want to be anywhere else.

  Noelle broke the silence. “It’s hard to understand.”

  “What is?” Connor asked.

  “How something so simple, like this outing, can feel so right, so complete.”

  Connor chuckled. “I suppose you’re right.”

  Something about his tone sparked a warning. “You don’t feel complete?” Me. He’s thinking of me. To take the pressure and attention off, she laughingly deflected the attention. “Were you expecting more children?”

  “Haven’t you heard? Three is the new two. Millie and I talked about three, potentially four.”

  Noelle stiffened. “Four children?”

  “We might have had more by now, but Millie had two miscarriages between Grace and Hope. We were excited when she made it to the second trimester and it seemed likely that her pregnancy would be successful.”

  She flicked a glance at his face. “And if…when you remarry, you’d want more children?”

  Their eyes met. “I’d hope she’d consider it.”

  “But…aren’t children a lot of work?”

  He laughed, a sound that warmed her in spite of the chill that seized her spine. “Life is a lot of work, but Millie and I had asked ourselves if all our lives would be emotionally richer with the addition of a third child. The unanimous answer was yes.”

  “That’s a remarkably mature, far-sighted perspective.”

  “With children, I think the only way to survive the short-term chaos is to always take the long view of any situation.” His hand tightened around hers. “Are you all right? You sound freaked out.”

  “No, I was just surprised that you want more kids even though Millie…”

  Connor looked away. “It wasn’t easy for me to separate the logical facts of the situation from my emotions, but what happened to Millie was unusual, even rare. The U.S. has a historically low rate of maternal death. To dismiss the possibility of future children because of what happened to Millie is like dismissing all possibility of future happiness, love, and marriage because a partner turned out to be a major jerk.”

  Noelle laughed softly. “Do you ever get tired of being so wise?”

  “It’s the four years I have on you.” He squeezed her hand and grinned at her.

  Grace shouted. “Over here!” She had stopped several hundred feet ahead of them, in front of a street vendor. “Hurry up!”

  “I’ve got her.” Noelle tugged her hand out of Connor’s and jogged over to Grace.

  The street vendor nodded a greeting and said to Grace. “Now, here’s your mama.”

  The smile froze on Noelle’s face.

  Grace’s brow furrowed. “She’s not my—”

  “What do you want, sweetie?” Noelle redirected the topic before the emerging facts could embarrass all parties in the conversation.

  “This!” Grace pointed at the street vendor’s cart. “It smells yummy.”

  “Roasted chestnuts? Okay.” Noelle tugged out her wallet to pay for it. She peeled the shell off a chestnut and handed it to Grace. “Be careful. It’s hot.”

  Grace held the chestnut between her fingertips and nibbled on it. She peeked up at Noelle as they walked back to Connor and Hope, who were slowly bringing up the rear.

  “What is it?” Noelle asked when the girl’s thoughtful gaze began to unnerve her.

  Grace frowned and shook her head, but the distant look in her eyes told Noelle that the gears in Grace’s head were churning hard. The child’s expression grew even more speculative when she looked at her father, but she said nothing.

  The glorious day with Connor, Grace, and Hope ended as it always did—with a glass of wine in front of the fireplace. Noelle cuddled against Connor’s side, enjoying the comforting weight of his arm around her shoulders. The only sound was the crackle of flames. Noelle and Connor had always enjoyed easy conversation, but recently, even the silences between them had grown easy—a silence that resonated with warmth and affection and did not need noise to fill in the awkward spaces.

  Connor’s chest rose and fell on a sigh. “What time do you leave tomorrow?”

  “My flight is at noon.” Her response was as quiet as his.

  “Would you like me to drive you to the airport?”

  “No, it’s fine. You have to work. I’ve already arranged for a cab.”

  “How did Grace handle the goodbyes?”

  “More calmly than I expected. You were right; the frequent reminders over several days definitely helped.” She snuggled closer, breathing deeply of his familiar, clean scent. By this time tomorrow night, she would be back in her small Los Angeles apartment.

  Alone.

  Noelle swallowed hard through the pang in her chest.

  As if sensing her pain, Connor’s grip around her shoulders tightened. “Will you come back to visit?”

  She shrugged. It was easier than replying when she didn’t know
the answer.

  “Could we come out to visit you?”

  Noelle pulled away from him to look into his eyes. “You’d come out to L.A.?”

  “I realize neither of us is ready to uproot the lives we’ve built in different towns, but I’d like to keep seeing you. Perhaps we could try a long-distance relationship.”

  “Even though it’s not what the children need?”

  Connor frowned. “I’m not looking for a live-in babysitter. I fumbled through a year of single parenthood; I can make it on my own. Yeah, it’s not ideal; it’s far from perfect, but whatever relationship I enter into would be for me as much as for them. I’m willing to wait for the right person, because the best thing I can do for my children is to love their mother.”

  Tears stung her eyes. How could someone who loved his children that much, who showed every promise of loving her that much, not be the right person?

  He leaned in to touch his forehead against hers. “Will you stay the night?” he asked.

  The quiet pain she heard in his voice resonated in her heart. Tangled in the pain was the promise of love. Noelle’s voice quivered in spite of her attempts to steady it. “Yes,” she murmured as his breath whispered against her lips.

  Chapter 13

  The sun was a sliver in the sky when Noelle turned the key in the lock and entered her house like a teenager sneaking back after curfew.

  “Hey, look, it’s the stranger.” Holly’s voice greeted her from the kitchen table.

  Noelle laughed. “Is that coffee you have brewing?”

  Holly nodded. “Grab a cup. Haven’t seen much of you in the past few days, not that Daddy and I are complaining.”

  “Oh?”

  “We figure Connor has a better chance of getting you to come home than either of us.”

  Noelle huffed as she filled a cup of coffee and joined Holly at the table. Her fingers tapped a nervous rhythm against the wood. “He wants a long-distance relationship.”

  “He wants a long-distance relationship, or he’s settling for a long-distance relationship?”

  Noelle sighed. “I realize he can’t uproot his family and his business to move to L.A., but I don’t think he felt comfortable enough asking me to move back for him.”

  “He’s not pushy that way.”

  “Not nearly pushy enough, or you wouldn’t have been able to talk him out of taking me to the prom twelve years ago.”

  Holly bit her lip and looked away.

  “Why did you do that?”

  Holly sighed. “I’m not sure exactly.”

  “Don’t say you did it to protect me. We both know that there’s no one I would have been safer with than with Connor.”

  “Millie loved him.”

  “Millie had all of one date with him. Her claim on him was no stronger than mine.”

  “You were thirteen.”

  Noelle scowled. “So?”

  Holly’s sigh was tremulous. The way she blinked quickly, repeatedly, screamed of guilt.

  Noelle inhaled deeply. Holly had not acted out of spite, and the event was too far in the past to harbor any irrational anger over it. “Do you want to see the gift he’d brought over?”

  “Sure.”

  Noelle reached into her pocket and slid the rabbit-carved jewelry box across the table.

  Holly turned the box over in her hands. “It’s beautiful. It’s the rabbit incident, right, the one in high school?”

  “You remember it?”

  “The high school nerd in an all out slug-it-out with the quarterback? Yeah, everyone remembers it. Best part was that fight was too close to call. I don’t think Josh ever lived it down. Everyone calls it the rabbit incident, but I think everyone realizes it was over you.”

  “Except me, apparently. I thought it was over the rabbit.”

  Holly laughed. “If not for you, Connor would have reported it to a teacher. He’s too level-headed to fight over a rabbit.”

  Noelle drew a deep breath. “He wants more children.”

  Her sister was silent for a beat. “Did you…?”

  Noelle shook her head. “I didn’t know what to say.”

  “You need to tell him.”

  “I know.” Noelle’s breath shuddered. “I didn’t know how. I mean it’s not like he asked me directly. It came out in a peripheral sort of conversation. Heck, we’re not even in a relationship.”

  “Aren’t you?”

  Noelle pressed her lips together. “I did look up some apartments for rent in Havre de Grace. There’s a nice little place called On the Green, about two blocks from the pet store.”

  “Yeah, I know it. You’re welcome to move back home, you know.”

  “I know, but I think I’d like my own place, for starters.”

  “You sign the lease yet?”

  “No, but the building manager agreed to hold the place for me for a week. It’ll take me at least that long to sort out my business in L.A.”

  “I’m guessing you didn’t tell Connor.”

  Noelle shook her head. “I need to get away from him and do some real thinking on my own.”

  “It’s the children thing, isn’t it?”

  She huffed. It was impossible hiding anything from her sister. “Yeah, it is. I don’t want him to think I want his children just because I can’t have any of my own.”

  “I’m pretty sure Connor’s not that shortsighted or shallow.”

  “And I also don’t know how to tell him he’d be stuck with just two kids if he marries me, but I’d have to tell him before I make any final decision on moving back to Havre de Grace. Just in case.”

  “In case he decides that the only thing he really wants from you is a working womb?”

  Noelle rolled her eyes at her sister’s sarcasm. Her hesitation sounded ridiculous, but she had been badly burned once. “It’s partly why I’ve stayed away for so long. There’s no way to keep something like this a secret from the rest of the town indefinitely, and I’m not in the mood to be made to feel like less of a woman because I can’t have children.”

  “Noelle!”

  She shook her head. Tears stung her eyes.

  Holly frowned. “Someone…” Her eyes narrowed. “Tell me who so I can rip his testicles out.”

  “Someone out in L.A., actually.” Noelle sniffed. “It shouldn’t have meant anything.”

  “But it did.”

  She nodded. Her fingers traced the wood grain on the table. “He’d already bought the ring.”

  “Oh, Noelle.” Holly’s voice ached with sympathy. “He was slime.”

  “No, he wasn’t. He wanted the entire package, and I wasn’t the entire package.”

  “What happened?”

  “He’s married now. Has a son, and another kid on the way.”

  Holly scowled.

  “It’s a good thing he knew what he wanted. Better not to propose at all than to have to negotiate a divorce.”

  Her sister rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe how rational you are about this whole situation.”

  “Irrationality doesn’t get me anything.” Noelle sighed. “Connor’s such a wonderful father; he sounded pretty set on three or more kids. I can’t make any long-term plans until we sort this out, but I can work from anywhere, and moving back to Havre de Grace to give ‘long-term’ a chance…I think I can do that.”

  “Fair enough.” Holly glanced at her watch. “I have to leave for school. You have a ride to the airport later today?”

  Noelle nodded and pushed to her feet. “I should get packing. Would it be okay if I left some of my stuff here? It doesn’t make sense to cart it all back to L.A. only to turn around and bring it all back.”

  “Absolutely.” Holly grinned. “It’s going to be wonderful having you back. Oh, and can you make sure Dad takes his pills before he goes in to the pet store today?”

  “Sure.”

  After Holly left, Noelle went up to the bedroom that had been hers as a child. She had been away for eight years, but her house still fel
t like home amid the trappings of her childhood. Would Mommy move back too if I returned to Havre de Grace? Surely there had to be at least one nursing home in the little town. How would Daddy take it?

  He would probably welcome it; their divorce notwithstanding, Daddy had never stopped loving Mommy.

  Noelle showered and sorted through her clothes, deciding what to leave behind. Her bags were packed well in advance of her expected ride to the airport. Frowning, she tugged out her cell phone and glanced at the time, before stepping across the hallway on the second floor and tapping on the closed door of her father’s bedroom. “Daddy, it’s time to get up.”

  She didn’t get a response.

  “Daddy?” She knocked louder.

  She pressed down on the handle and slowly pushed open the door. Her father was asleep on the bed, his legs tangled in the covers. “Daddy.” She walked up to him and shook him gently.

  Noelle yanked her hand back. His shoulder was stiff, his body cold. “No…” She stumbled back. Her fingers fumbled on her smartphone. “Connor…” she gasped the moment he picked up the phone.

  “Noelle?” His voice steadied her through the chilling, skittering panic.

  “Daddy…” Her breaths came in sharp heaves. “I think he’s…I think he’s dead.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  The cold wall against her back blocked her retreat from the room. Her eyes wide, Noelle slid down to slump on the floor. She was still sitting on the floor when Connor strode into the room. He glanced at her but went straight to the bed and leaned over Alan Langford’s body.

  Moments later, he turned around, his dark eyes pained and sorrowful. He crouched beside Noelle and drew her into his arms. Her shoulders shook, the trembling of her body braced against the strength of his body as she wept out her grief and guilt.

  Chapter 14

  The heavy pressure of unshed tears pressing against her chest, Noelle knelt to place a single flower on top of the mound of dirt covering her father’s casket. The rain was icy, just short of freezing, and the skies were gray. Droplets of water ran down the sides of her black hood, and her shoes squished in the mud as she walked back to Holly’s car.