Ray of Heart (Ray #5)

by E. L. Todd

  “But more romantic than that,” Rex said quickly.

  “Whose apartment are you gonna stay at?” Jessie asked.

  “Mine,” Rex said. “You know, since Rae is—” He fell silent then masked the awkwardness by drinking his beer.

  I stared into my glass of water and counted the ice cubes. Going back to being friends with Zeke was much harder than I thought it was going to be. Would I always want him like this? Would I always need him like this?

  ***

  Jessie went outside to meet Tobias, Kayden went to the bathroom, and Rex went to the bar to get another beerall at the same time, which resulted in Zeke and I being alone together at the table.

  Not awkward at all.

  He stared into his beer before he looked at me, his eyes locking to mine. “You look really beautiful tonight, Rae.”

  This was what I was afraid of. Having this kind of conversation.. “Thanks. Jessie and Kayden wanted to give me a makeover. I didn’t argue with them because, you know, they always win.”

  When he chuckled, it was forced. “I’m just glad to see that you look better. Seem a little happier.”

  “I guess a little...but not by much. What about you?”

  Zeke looked down into his glass and never answered my question. “Rex told me you’ve been spending time with Ryker.” There wasn’t an edge to his tone. He didn’t even seem mad about it.

  I guess I should have known Rex would tell him. “It’s not what you think—”

  “He said you guys were just friends. If you say there’s nothing going on, I believe you.” He sat straight and looked at me again, his blue eyes no longer vibrant like they used to be. There was a permanent dullness to them, making them almost gray.

  That was the last thing I expected him to say.

  “So, there’s nothing going on, right?” He heard what Rex said, but he wanted to hear me say it to his face.

  “Of course not, Zeke.”

  Relief stretched across his face even though he did his best to hide it.

  “I’m not in that place. And I won’t be in that place for a very long time.”

  He nodded in understanding. “You guys went sailing or something?”

  “Yeah. His father left him his boat. We went out for the day. Safari came along even though he hates Ryker.”

  “He hates Ryker?” Zeke asked.

  “Anytime they’re in the same room together, Safari growls at him.”

  Zeke wore a true smile. “That’s one loyal dog.”

  “I can tell he misses you...” Sometimes he’d whine at the door, not because he wants to go outside, but because he wants to go to Zeke’s place. Safari was like a child we had together, but I got full custody in the end.

  “I was just telling Rex how much I miss him.”

  “You can always come by and see him. Take him for a walk or something...”

  “Yeah, I might do that if it’s okay with you.”

  “Of course.” I would never be annoyed about someone wanting to spend time with Safari. He loved the attention.

  He drank his beer and swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving. His hard jaw and handsome features were irresistible at the moment. Those lips looked kissable, and his eyes were so easy to fall into. Sometimes, I preferred it when he had scruff on his face, and other times, I preferred the clean look, like what he had now.

  “Can I say something?” he whispered. “I’m only gonna say it once, and you don’t need to say anything. But I want to say it anyway.”

  “Okay...” I knew where this was going, but I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I was just sitting there thinking about how much I missed him.

  “I miss you...like crazy.” He sighed as he looked at me, his eyes full of sorrow.

  It was nice to hear because I felt the exact same way. “I miss you too.”

  He moved his hands forward across the table but stopped himself when he realized it wasn’t a good idea. He pulled them back and hid them in his lap, no longer tempted to grab me.

  Rex returned with another beer. “Where did the other two go?”

  I forced myself to stop staring at Zeke and answer my brother’s question. “Kayden is in the bathroom. Jessie went outside to meet Tobias.”

  “Oh, okay.” Oblivious to what he’d just interrupted, Rex drank his beer and watched the TV. “Oh, come on. You’re really gonna call a technical on that? Zeke, did you see that shit?”

  Zeke reluctantly pulled his gaze away from my face. “Yeah...bullshit.”

  ***

  “Thanks for the ride home, man.” Rex carried Kayden in his arms, his sweatshirt covering her legs so no one could see up her dress. He fished his keys out of his pocket with one hand and got the door unlocked.

  “No problem.” Zeke opened the door so Rex could get inside easier.

  Rex carried Kayden into the bedroom then returned. “You wanna hit the course tomorrow? Some guy at work gave me two passes to the country club.”

  “Cool,” Zeke said. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

  “Alright.” Rex eyed both of us, suddenly realizing we would be alone together once he shut the door. “Uh...good night.” The door closed and his footsteps disappeared as he walked down the hallway and joined Kayden in the bedroom.

  Now, we were alone in the hallway, and I suddenly felt vulnerable. I wanted to invite him to join me in bed just so I could get some sleep. The last time I slept the entire night without having a nightmare was when Ryker stayed with me. If Zeke were next to me, all I’d think about were unicorns and Fruity Pebbles.

  Zeke placed his hands in his pockets and slowly walked to my door. “Need help getting inside?”

  I had two sips of wine and nothing else but water. I was the soberest person of the bunch. “No, I got it.”

  “Alright.” He continued to stand in front of me even though there was no reason to stay. He eyed my door before he turned his gaze on me again, his look fiery with longing. He didn’t act on it, but his need for affection was palpable.

  I was sure he could feel the same thing from me.

  “I’ve been going through a really hard time,” he whispered. “I can’t believe it’s been six weeks.”

  “I know...”

  “Feels like a lifetime.”

  “It does.”

  He bowed his head and looked at the ground. “I haven’t been sleeping much. Thinking about canceling my gym membership because I never use it. The house feels like a prison now, haunted by our memories.” He didn’t seem to be talking to me as a lover, but as a friend. Whenever he had a problem, he always opened up to me, and I did the same for him.

  “I haven’t been sleeping either. Safari helps but...not enough.”

  “And I know you haven’t been eating as much as you should.” He raised his head and eyed my waistline.

  Guilty, I just shrugged.

  “Would it be too much to ask to hold you?” He straightened and pulled his hands out of his pockets, wanting to make a move before I even agreed to it.

  I knew I should say no, but I was so weak. I missed him like crazy and still felt as heartbroken as the day I walked out of his house. These past six weeks had been the worst of my life.

  “I won’t try anything else,” he whispered. “I promise.”

  When he gave an offer I couldn’t refuse, I took it. “Okay...”

  He moved into my body, his hands circling my petite waistline. Then he pulled me into his chest, nestling me just the way he used. His face moved into the crook of my neck and he breathed a sigh of relief once we were connected.

  It felt so good.

  My hands moved around his neck, and I closed my eyes, letting his scent wash over me and elicit beautiful memories that I would never forget. I memorized the way his hands felt on my back, strong and warm. Even though it was cold and my shoes were painful on my feet, I wanted to stay like that forever.

  I never wanted to let go.

  His lips were against my neck, but he didn’t kiss me, like
he’d promised. His hands stayed in appropriate zones, and he didn’t beg me to take him back. He seemed to finally accept the fact we weren’t getting back together.

  Somehow, that made me feel worse.

  We were really over.

  After ten minutes, he pulled away, clearly forcing himself to break apart from me. “Well...I guess this is good night—”

  “You want to stay over?” I blurted out the question without thinking, my emotions doing all the talking.

  Zeke couldn’t hide his surprise—or his joy.

  “Just to sleep... I haven’t slept well in so long. I just thought we could both, you know. I don’t know—”

  “I’d love to.”

  This was probably a stupid idea, but I couldn’t stop myself. I pulled out my keys and got the door unlocked.

  Safari immediately greeted us in the entryway, and when he saw Zeke, he climbed up his body and whined in joy.

  “Hey, boy.” Zeke kneeled down and scratched him behind the ears, just the way he liked. “I missed you too.”

  Safari whined again and shook his tail happily.

  Zeke patted him on the butt before he rose to his full height, a smile on his lips as he looked down at Safari.

  I walked into my bedroom, the hole that I’d been sleeping in every night. I grabbed some clothes to change into without turning on the light and walked into the bathroom where I could undress in private. He’d seen me naked hundreds of times, but everything was different now.

  When I was ready for bed, I walked back into my room. Zeke was under the covers, in his t-shirt and boxers. He looked at home in my bed, like he’d never left. Safari sat at the end, happy that things seemed to be back to normal.

  I got under the sheets and moved to his side of the bed, greeted by his natural heat. My arm circled his waist, and he turned his body into me, holding me close with his lips resting against my forehead.

  I knew the joy was fleeting, but I was so happy I wanted to cry.

  I closed my eyes and felt the tears form under my eyelids.

  Zeke ran his hand over my thigh then grabbed my knee before he hiked it over his waist, bringing us closer together. He wasn’t hard like I expected him to be. He seemed content to just be with me, sharing my bed. “I love you, Rae.”

  Two tears came loose. “I love you too.”

  He pressed his lips to each one and absorbed them, the salty moisture sticking to his mouth. One hand moved into my hair, and he positioned himself against me again, his lips returning to my forehead.

  After a few moments of silence, I began to drift. When I fell into a deep sleep, the nightmares didn’t come for me. I didn’t think about anything at all, actually. And that was the greatest gift Zeke could have given to me.

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning, I actually felt good. I wasn’t exhausted from waking up five times during the night like usual. Like I did when Zeke and I were together, I woke up happy and ready to turn a new leaf.

  Zeke was already awake. His eyes were open, and he was watching me sleep before I opened my eyes. “Morning.”

  “Morning.” We were in the exact same position as we were before we fell asleep. My leg was wrapped around his hip, and my arm was still locked around his neck. This time, I did feel his morning wood.

  And I really missed that too.

  The past six weeks had left me in a serious dry spell, but I’d been too depressed to feel aroused. Now that Zeke was in my bed, I wouldn’t mind feeling him inside me, getting me off. But I knew that was a step neither one of us should take.

  “I haven’t slept that well since the day you left.” The hair had already regrown along his chin, a light scruff of brown.

  “Neither have I.” That wasn’t completely true, but if I told him Ryker slept over, it would’ve sounded far worse than it really was.

  I wanted to stay like that as long as possible, but my bladder was about to explode. “I’m sorry, but I need to pee.”

  He smiled, his usual response when I did something cute. “Alright. I’ll make some coffee.” He got out of bed and pulled on his jeans, keeping his back to me so I wouldn’t see him try to zip up his pants over his hard-on.

  After I went to the bathroom and did my business, I walked into the kitchen. The TV was on the sports channel, the air smelled like coffee, and Zeke stood at the counter as he sipped his mug. When he had that sleepy look in his eyes, he looked so perfectly sexy. It was effortless, which just made him even cuter.

  I poured myself a cup, blowing over the surface so it wouldn’t be too hot when I drank it.

  Zeke came to my side, his mug still in his hand. “Wizards lost last night.”

  “Damn. I owe Rex a hundred bucks.”

  He chuckled. “You remained loyal to your team. That’s more important than losing a hundred bucks.”

  My clutch was on the counter where I left it, my phone right beside it. I left it there last night because there was no one important I needed to stay connected to. My phone vibrated with a text message even though it was only ten in the morning on a Sunday.

  It was from Ryker. This made me think of you. It was a picture of a German shepherd in a ridiculous sweater, yellow with blue strips.

  Zeke clearly saw the message because he looked down once it vibrated. Like he was trying to prove something to me, he turned around and faced the TV again, knowing it was from Ryker but refusing to read it.

  I turned my phone off and ignored the message, not wanting to make Zeke jealous when he was already struggling. “When we went sailing, I had Safari wear this sweater—”

  “You don’t have to explain anything, Rae. If you’re just friends, you’re just friends. I trust you.” There was no anger or bitterness, just the calm Zeke I woke up to that morning. He was trying to prove to me that he wouldn’t repeat past mistakes.

  But it was too late for that.

  The door opened, and Rex barged inside like any other day. “Hey, do you have any—” He stopped when he saw Zeke standing at the counter drinking coffee in the clothes he wore yesterday. Rex’s eyes widened, and a ridiculous smile stretched across his lips as he jumped to inaccurate conclusions. “Uh... I was just... I gotta go.” He tiptoed backward to the door. When he shut it behind him, he was as quiet as possible even though we were staring at him.

  Zeke pretended nothing happened. “You wanna take Safari for a walk and get some breakfast?”

  I’d already crossed a line when I asked him to stay over, and it seemed like I was sinking further into the hole I’d made for myself. So I couldn’t say no. Waking up with him felt so nice. I was on a high I didn’t want to lose—not yet. “Sure.”

  ***

  Like nothing had happened six weeks ago, we took Safari on a walk around the park, Zeke holding his leash. Safari was happier than usual, excited that the three of us were together again. Like a child that wanted his divorced parents back together, he wanted to be the same family we used to be.

  “I need to stop by the ATM and get some cash.”

  “To give to Rex?” he asked, holding the leash and walking beside me.

  “Unfortunately.”

  “Don’t give him a dime.”

  “A bet is a bet. I honor my debts.”

  “You let that terror live with you for almost a year,” he reminded me. “Rent free, and he ate everything in the kitchen. Not to mention, he trashed your apartment. So, technically, he’s the one who should be paying you.”

  Anyone would agree with that argument. “He doesn’t owe me anything. He’s been paying me back over the last six weeks. He makes me dinner every single day and checks on me.” In fact, he’d been really sweet despite the fact he was stuck in the middle of this breakup.

  Zeke nodded in understanding. “I guess that’s true.”

  “So, I’ll give him the hundred bucks. I’ll get it back after the next game.”

  “I admire you for always betting on the Wizards. But maybe you should bet less money next time.”


  “Yeah... I’m figuring that out.” After we took Safari for a walk, we went to a diner that had patio seating for Safari. We sat down and ordered our food, sitting across from each other like a married couple taking their dog for a walk.

  How I wished that were the case.

  Zeke ordered an omelet with a side of biscuits and gravy, and I ordered a short stack with powdered sugar and cinnamon. The second the food was placed in front of me, I went to town. I devoured everything, finally having a real appetite.

  The corner of his mouth rose in a smile before he sipped his coffee.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” He returned his gaze to his food and kept eating. “Can I slip something for Safari under the table?”

  “Why are you asking me? You just do it anyway when I’m not looking.” When Zeke made dinner in the kitchen, he always dropped scraps on purpose. He was definitely the fun dad, and I was the hardass mom.

  He smiled in guilt then dropped a few chunks. Safari opened his massive jaws and got everything inside in a single bite. Then Zeke patted him under the table, scratching him behind the ears. “I thought he was looking a little thinner...”

  “Yes. He’s lost some weight since he’s only been eating dog food.” I gave him a pointed stare, full of accusation.

  Zeke didn’t deny it. “I guess I’m the good cop.”

  “Bad cop, in my opinion. I don’t want Safari to be fat.”

  “He was never fat, just...muscular.” He peeked down over the table. “Right, man?”

  I sipped my coffee and felt the pain leave my chest. It was such a relaxing day, one where I didn’t spend my afternoon crying. Zeke and I were together again, and I felt like I’d been transported back to the past, living in a beautiful memory.

  “Like your food?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Well, there’s nothing left.” He looked at my completely empty plate. “Instead of making fun of Safari, maybe you should look at yourself.”

  “Did you just call me fat?” I asked incredulously.

  He smiled. “I guess so. But it’s a sexy kind of fat. You know, curves in all the right places.”

  I felt warmth shoot through my body. I missed the way we would flirt back and forth, and the flirting that always led to awesome sex where our bodies were covered in slippery sweat. Fortunately, the check came and the moment was dispelled. Zeke laid the cash on the table. Since I only had the hundred bucks I was supposed to give to Rex, I let him pay for it.