Ray of Heart (Ray #5)

by E. L. Todd

  When I was outside, he caught up to me. “Rae, hold on.”

  I twisted away from his grasp. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”

  He kept his hands to himself but walked with me. “I honestly don’t remember. I didn’t lie to you.”

  “You’re lying to me right now.”

  “Rae, I’m serious. Why would I tell you I slept with someone else to begin with if I was just going to lie about part of the story? Calm down and think rationally.”

  “Fuck you, Zeke. I’m beyond rational right now.”

  He kept walking beside me, his pace slower than mine so I could keep up with him in my heels. “The past is in the past. Yeah, it happened. But we’re two months into the future now. We love each other, and we want to be together. You can forgive me for sleeping with one woman. Why does two make a difference?”

  I stopped walking, shocked by the bullshit he just fed me. “Are you serious right now? You think two women is the same as one woman?”

  “It was at the same time, so it’s one act,” he argued. “It wasn’t like it was two different nights.”

  I held my hand in his face. “Just stop talking.”

  “Rae, I’m sorry. I’ll apologize as many times as you need to hear it. But I really didn’t remember.”

  “Did you even wear a condom?”

  “Of course I did.”

  “So you remember that part, but you don’t remember there being two women?” That didn’t seem possible to me.

  “You have no idea how much I drank that night.”

  “So you may not have worn something?”

  “No, I did,” he said firmly. “Even if I didn’t, I got tested and I’m clean. You know I would never put you in jeopardy like that.”

  I was too pissed to care about that piece of information. “I’m done, Zeke. I’m actually done this time. This isn’t going to work.”

  “Don’t say that.” He maneuvered in front of me, forcing me to stop. “I understand you’re mad right now and that’s okay. You’re entitled to be pissed off. But I didn’t lie to you. And this doesn’t change anything. I’ve already explained my point of view from that night. We both know I would never do anything like that again.”

  I tried to get around him. “I don’t care, Zeke.”

  He grabbed me and forced me to stand still. “How would you feel if I slept with someone during these past two months?”

  “I couldn’t care less.” He was single and could do whatever he wanted.

  “Bullshit, Rae. If I even looked at someone, you would be upset. And you would have every right because we’re still together... even if we aren’t together. If you let Ryker even touch your hand, I would be pissed off. I’ve been faithful to you even though I technically didn’t have to be, okay? I’m loyal. I’m honest. And I’m so fucking in love with you. That counts for something.”

  I shook my head, still livid. “You’re a pig, Zeke. A goddamn pig.”

  The fire left his eyes, and he looked wounded. “Rae, you know how I was before I got with Rochelle. Yes, I had threesomes. You know I had foursomes. You know I’d pick up a girl on a Saturday night and then never see her again. I was playing the field because I couldn’t have the one woman I actually wanted. I’m not a pig, Rae. I’m a man like every other guy in the world. But I happily said goodbye to all that when I finally got you. You know I’m not a pig, so don’t call me that. You know how I feel about you. So please, let’s just leave that night in the past and move on. Let’s just forget that horrific nightmare and be happy together. Let’s carry on.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest, not even remotely tempted by that option. “No.”

  He sighed loudly, showing his frustration as well as his pain. “Less than ten minutes ago, you were happy. You were looking at me the way you used to. And not even forty-eight hours ago, you were on my doorstep asking me to make love to you. Let’s go back to that.”

  “I can’t. I feel nothing but disgust toward you.” I stepped away, needing more space.

  He dragged his hands down his face, showing his anger. “Rae, there’s nothing more I can do. You know I love you. You know I’m sorry. One woman or two, it doesn’t make a difference to me. That night happened because you were with Ryker—plain and simple. I can’t keep taking all the blame for this.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t believe you’re turning this around on me and making excuses.”

  “I’m not making excuses at all,” he snapped. “I’m just telling you that as much as I love you, I can’t keep doing this. We’re together or we aren’t together. No more back and forth, no more asking me to sleep over, no more flipping on me. This is the moment of truth. You either forgive me and give me a clean slate and we move on, or you don’t and we’re done. What’s it gonna be?”

  “You’re giving me an ultimatum?”

  “I guess,” he said. “I know you’ve been through a rough time, but I can promise you, what you felt these past two months, I’ve felt it a million times more. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’ve apologized and done everything I possibly could to make this right. If this is over, then I need to move on instead of letting my heart get stomped on every day. So, what’s it gonna be?”

  Tears burned in the back of my eyes, full of frustration and heartbreak.

  “Pick, Rae.” His eyes burned into mine, needing an answer.

  “I...”

  “What?” he pressed.

  A tear rolled down my cheek. “We’re over.”

  Zeke took a deep breath but hid his pain. His eyes didn’t water like they did before. His shoulders were just as straight, and he held himself upright despite the agony surging in his veins. He finally gave a slight nod of calm acceptance. “Okay. We’re over.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Rae

  Somehow, I arrived at Ryker’s building.

  My feet carried me down the blocks of Seattle, and I felt numb the entire time. The cold didn’t bother me despite the fact I only wore a short dress and heels. The agony is what got to me—the rage. I couldn’t look at Zeke in the same way, not after what he did. One woman was difficult enough, but two...it was unthinkable.

  I rode the elevator to his floor without even thinking twice about it. I couldn’t remember the code to get inside because it’d been so long. But even if I did, I had no right to walk inside. So I hit the buzzer.

  His deep voice came through the intercom. “Who is it?”

  I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I had to clear my throat before the word could form on my tongue. “Rae.”

  The doors opened immediately, revealing his luxurious apartment with the amazing views of Seattle in the background. The Space Needle was so close I could actually see through the windows.

  Ryker came out of the other living room in a black t-shirt and dark jeans. He walked right up to me, the line between the apartment and the elevator in between us. His eyes examined my face, knowing I had just hit rock bottom. “Sweetheart, what happened?”

  I crossed the threshold and moved into his chest, feeling the hardness of his body the second I collided with him. The doors shut behind me, and I inhaled his scent, recognizing his body soap from the shower. My arms circled his waist, and I treasured the affection, needing something to get me by.

  His arms circled my waist and he pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes closed.

  “I just kept walking...and this is where I ended up.”

  “There are worse places,” he whispered.

  My arms rested on his, and I closed my eyes. “Can I stay here?”

  He brushed his lips across my hairline, gently kissing me. “You know you can stay here forever.” He scooped me into his arms effortlessly and carried me into his bedroom. He set me on the bed and kneeled before me, slipping off my heels that were now scuffed up from walking so far. He gave my feet a quick massage before he rose to his full height and opened his drawers. He pulled out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt before he set them on the bed. “I’ll giv
e you a minute.” He walked out and shut the bedroom door behind him.

  I grabbed the shirt and felt the fabric in my fingertips, remembering the nights I used to wear his shirts to bed. I was on these very sheets when I locked eyes with him and told him I loved him. And that was the last time we ever slept together.

  I got dressed and left my dress and heels on his dresser. His bed looked so comfy, despite the thoughts of all the women who’d come and gone since I left. I moved to my side of the bed, the right side, and pulled the sheets to my shoulder.

  Ryker gently knocked on the door before he entered the bedroom. He spotted me under the covers before he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped his jeans on the floor. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants before he turned off the lamp on the nightstand and got into bed beside me.

  He stayed on his side and didn’t venture onto mine.

  I hadn’t slept in this bed in so long, but it felt exactly the way it used to. The sheets smelled like his body soap and shampoo.

  He tucked his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling, the lights from the city shining through the floor-to-ceiling windows. “What happened, sweetheart?”

  “Zeke and I are over.” Saying the words out loud hurt more than they ever had—because I knew they were true. We would never get back together. We wouldn’t move in together and start a life.

  He turned his head and looked at me, his blue eyes bright despite the darkness. “Why?”

  “I decided to take him back because I missed him. And within ten minutes, the slut he slept with started talking to him...and it turns out there was another woman too. So he had a threesome that night but claims he doesn’t remember.”

  Ryker didn’t look triumphant at all. He looked just as sad as I felt.

  “He says he doesn’t remember, but I don’t believe him. And even if he’s telling the truth, I can’t forgive him. It was hard enough with one woman...but two?” I shook my head and pulled the sheets against my chest. “It doesn’t matter how much I love him. I’ll never look at him the same.”

  Ryker said nothing, allowing me to do all the talking.

  “He told me I was overreacting, that I needed to let it go and just move on. Then he said he couldn’t handle my indecisiveness so he forced me to make a decision then and there, to either forgive him or forget him. So...I chose to forget him.”

  Ryker snaked his hand under the sheets until he found my hand next to the pillow. He interlocked our fingers and brushed his thumb over my knuckles, comforting me the only way he knew how.

  “So...we’re really over.”

  “I’m sorry, Rae.”

  “I know you are.” I knew he truly cared about my pain, my sorrow. Even if that made it possible for him to have another chance with me, he was sad things didn’t work out with Zeke. He cared more about my happiness than his own.

  Ryker pulled his hand away then scooted closer to me across the bed. His arms wrapped around my waist, and he rested his head on the same pillow, our faces nearly touching. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers through my hair.

  Somehow, he calmed me enough so I could fall asleep. I closed my eyes and slipped away, blanketed by the comfort of Ryker’s presence. For a short period of time, I felt safe like nothing could hurt me. But I knew once I woke up the following morning, the pain would return in full force.

  And I would have to deal with it.

  ***

  When I woke up the following morning, I was still wrapped in Ryker’s arms. His eyes were open and he was watching me, his lids heavy with sleep. His hair was messy from laying his head against the pillow all night.

  “Morning, sweetheart.”

  “Morning.”

  “How’d you sleep?”

  “Pretty good, actually.” I didn’t wake up once in the middle of the night with a nightmare.

  “Great. I’m gonna make some breakfast.” He pulled away, taking his comfort and warmth with him.

  I stayed in bed because I didn’t have the energy to get up. The same pain sat on top of my chest, weighing heavily on my entire frame. Every breath was harder than the last because I was still so angry with Zeke.

  I hoped I wouldn’t always be angry with him.

  A ringing cell phone came to my ears, and a moment later, I heard Ryker’s voice. “Hey, man. Yeah, she’s here.”

  Who was he talking to?

  “Yeah, she’s fine. Bye.”

  Was he talking to Zeke? Or Rex? I hopped out of bed and walked into the kitchen. Ryker had a pot of coffee going and eggs in the frying pan. His cell phone sat on the counter, the screen still lit up. “Who were you talking to?”

  He divided the eggs between two plates then set the dirty pan in the sink. “Rex called me. Just wanted to know if you were here.”

  “Oh...” He’d probably called me, but my phone was buried in the bottom of my purse—abandoned on the couch.

  “And he still hates me,” he said with a chuckle. He poured two mugs of coffee and set the kitchen table with two forks. “Sit down and have some breakfast.”

  I didn’t have an appetite, but since he went through the trouble of cooking me something, I sat down and did my best. The window was right next to the table, overlooking the city. It was a cloudless day, bright and sunny. There hadn’t been much rain this week, which was a nice change.

  Ryker sat across from me, still looking glorious with his shirt off. He seemed to be in better shape than before, his muscles carefully outlined as if they were carved out of stone. His skin was flawless, fair and smooth.

  I felt his eyes on my face, so I quickly looked away.

  “Like what you see?” he asked with a smile.

  “You look like you’re in better shape.” I decided to be honest instead of pretending I hadn’t been staring.

  “Was I in bad shape before?”

  I laughed because it was absurd. “Not at all. You just look...bigger.”

  “I’ve been working out a lot over the past few months. Gives me something to do.”

  “I haven’t been working out at all...but I never work out.”

  “Not true. You jog.”

  “That’s just because Safari needs to go on walks.”

  He sipped his coffee. “It’s still better than nothing.”

  I took a few bites of my eggs, my stomach still indifferent. “Thanks for breakfast.”

  “Thanks for eating. I know you aren’t hungry.”

  Ryker knew me too well.

  “Now what?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” It was difficult for me to think about the future.

  “With you and Zeke. If it’s really over, then what?”

  “We’ll always be friends.” That was something I could count on no matter what. Zeke and I respected each other far too much to turn our backs on our friendship. Maybe our relationship didn’t work, but our friendship would last forever.

  “You think you can handle that?”

  “Yeah.” It would take some time to get used to, but one day, everything would be back to normal.

  He finished his eggs and sipped his coffee, his shoulders broad and powerful. He set his mug down and looked me in the eye. “When can I ask you out?”

  The forward question caught me off guard. I told Ryker nothing would happen between us, but he obviously didn’t believe me. “I said we would never get back together.”

  “But you also slept in my bed last night. And you told me if Zeke weren’t in the picture, you might give me another chance. Clearly, Zeke is officially gone. I did the right thing and tried to steer you back to him, but it didn’t work. I was a good guy because that’s what you deserved. But now, things are different, Rae. So, I’ll ask again. When can I make a move?”

  Now that Zeke had hurt me so much, I knew we couldn’t get back together. But I couldn’t go back to Ryker either. My heart wasn’t in the right place. I could lie to myself and say I was over Zeke, but even I knew that was bullshit. “I’m not ready, Ryker.”

>   “That’s fine. When do you think you will be?”

  I didn’t have an answer for that either. “I don’t know. Maybe never...”

  His eyes fell in sadness. “How about this? If you ever start to feel differently, you just let me know. Until that moment comes, I’ll only be your friend. Does that sound fair?”

  Very fair. “Yeah.”

  “Alright.” He grabbed his mug and took another sip, acting casual like he didn’t just put me on the spot.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Rex

  Zeke sat across from me at his dining table, the French doors opened to the backyard where the sun shined on the grass. He slouched forward with his elbows resting on the surface, a permanent frown on his face. His eyes were full of hostility, and he looked like he wanted to hit someone—even me.

  I’d been meaning to say something for the last ten minutes but couldn’t think of anything helpful. My best friend was in a deeper hole than he was before, and any second now, he was about to lose control altogether. “So, you really said all that to her?”

  “Damn right I did.” He clenched his jaw. “I get she’s mad. It’s okay to be mad, alright? But to dump me again, going back and forth all the time, it’s just bullshit. It’s time for that little princess to start taking responsibility for her actions too. None of this shit would have happened if she wasn’t up on Ryker all the time.”

  He’d never said anything mean about Rae, so I knew he was really ticked. “She’s not up on Ryker.”

  “Oh, come on.” His eyes shined with rage. “She’ll forgive him for the stunt he pulled, but she won’t even think of forgiving me. We both know she loved Ryker more than she ever loved me. I give up, man. I officially give up.”

  “She didn’t love him more than you.” She never told me that, but I knew it was true. “And she did take you back. But then—”

  “That stupid cunt ruined everything.”

  Maybe I should take all the knives out of the kitchen. He was about to stab someone. “She picked you over him, remember? Let’s not forget that happened.”