Voices

by Janet Gillooly

  I never had any privacy. I try to pray for their souls instead of wish them harm. I want a just God for every cruel thing they did to me. Even the martyrs cry out Lord when will we see justice and he says be patient. Jesus come soon.

  I am not believed down here but I will be heard in heaven. I will see all my tormentors before the Lord. This is not my whole life story and I would not wish to write it. I just wanted to tell a story that needed to be told.

  Those who are alone, mentally ill are not believed. I am a very intelligent woman and I always knew when I was in a psychosis. The first time in my life my sanity was in question. Imagine if you told people you were raped and nobody believed you. Would you not feel raped all over again?

  I was raped of my dignity as a person. I was meant to feel trapped. I feel trapped today and the Lord is the only one with the key. It is not that I do not want my life to change and go to church more often, but I cannot do it of my own accord. It does not matter how many times someone says change until the Lord is ready I must do my best. The Lord has me in this place for a reason. Remember the scripture that I will summarize that you wish you could do things so differently. That you do the things you hate and do not do the things you want to do.

  How many people can tell that some people have never been tried and if you never have been tried you do not know how much you love Jesus. My favorite scripture is he who is without sin let him cast the first stone. I think some of the right wingers think everyone is going to hell but them. I think some of the left wingers think no one is going to hell. I believe God is balance.

  Chapter Ten

  Ted sprayed my nice mail car black when it was blue and white striped. I wentto the dump and passed a car illegally. Cops pulled me over and did a search. One police officer checked my purse for drugs and the main aggravator checked my trunk for dead bodies. He asked me what medicine I was on and told me someone like me should not be driving. If my car did not look poor looking I would have never been targeted.

  The abusers told me I would hear things the rest of my life. Not too many people really listen to you and I feel like they listen. I do not know how to escape my lot.

  The stalkers came to haunt me. They never really did leave. It is not the kind of stalkers you expect. They just do not haunt me at the same level.

  I have been through a lot in my life, but this has been the most haunting. I wondered why this was happening to me. An old friend told me once why not you.

  I have certainly never led a boring life. I always could have used more prayer time. Who of us does not need more money?

  Chapter Eleven

  It was hard for me to write this book. Going back over those nights with the stalkers actually gave me the creeps. It brought back all that fear of the evil one.

  I had to lay on my bed and calm down for a little bit. I told all the main events that happened to me. I had to live this every day and every night.

  It is up to you whether you believe this story. I tell you as God is my witness that every word of this story is true. I do not make up stories and I do not lie to God.

  The nightmare is a past memory I try to forget. If I pretend the stalkers are not there it makes the situation bearable. I have prayed for the abusers many times that they do not face damnation.

  I believe God gives everyone another chance. I am at the end of my life. I try to make the best of the time I have left.

  God rescued me from a darkness forced upon me. He was loving and merciful and spared me worse calamity. I hope this story has given someone hope for dark times.

  God never forsakes the just and the light of the evil he will snuff out. God will only let the just man go through so much before he is there to rescue him from the worst of storms. I thought I was lost upon the dead.

  I do not claim to have the worst life nor the best life. I do claim though that God has been good to me. I could not lean on anyone but Jesus.

  I do not know all my stalkers by name. I kept the names hidden to protect the guilty as well as the innocent. This is a novel in diary form.

  I am not very good at telling true stories. I prefer the abstract that of poetry. This is only my second novel.

  The darkness has taught me to lean on God for everything. He keeps me humble. He does not allow me to get too proud to ask for his help.

  The good times I am thankful for as well as the bad times for God is still creating me in His image. I did not think I would make it through such a horrible time, but God never did leave me. I never left Christ for where else could I go.

  Friends helped me through a lot of things. The Church has been my saving mercy. If you do not know such confidence in the true Church it is not too late.

  I hope the journey I took you on was not too difficult. You make up your own mind what you want to believe. I survived with the Grace of God.

  The End