Shaking my head, I shrugged one shoulder, arms coming up to cross over my chest. “I just don’t get what you imagine I can do, Helena. I can’t give up hockey. Not for you, not for anyone.” And she shouldn’t be asking me to either. I wasn’t asking her to give up her dreams! I just wanted her to have those dreams closer to where I was.
She shook her head, her whole body visibly vibrating with tension. We’d never argued. Not like this. It made me feel sick to my stomach, but my mind just couldn’t come up with any way out of it.
Helena needed to move with me. That was how we were going to stay together. If she wouldn’t -
“I don’t want you to give up the NHL! That’s part of who you are, I know that. But… wanting to be a lawyer is part of who I am.”
But it wasn’t the same. Helena could be a lawyer anywhere. That had always been the plan.
“Maybe - maybe our dreams just aren’t compatible.”
It felt like being struck by lightning. Electricity shooting through every part of me. My breath caught in my throat. I had to remind myself that I knew how to breathe.
Maybe our dreams just aren’t compatible.
The words rang in my head, echoing over and over again. It was the first time since we’d met, back at that dance in school, that something about us wasn’t compatible. It really sucked that that thing seemed to be our future plans.
“So,” I said slowly. “What now?”
And the thing was, I knew what the answer would be. Images of moving to Utah alone flashed before my eyes. Helena’s dreams weren’t my dreams. That hurt. What was worse was, I didn’t know how I could fix it. If I even could.
Helena stared down at me, her blue eyes so bright that it ached to look at them. Her breath caught, too, the sound ripping through my heart like tissue paper. The thought that neither of us knew how to overcome this was terrifying.
Never in our relationship had I doubted that we were meant to be together. But it sounded like Helena had been questioning it for a while, like this was only just coming out now.
“I don’t know.”
Those words felt like they were closing something.
In the end, we didn’t find an agreement. That night, we ate what was the saddest pizza we’d ever shared. For a couple of weeks after, we tried to pretend like this was just a break. Like we could make it work after all. But by the time I was moving to Utah six months later, Helena and I were officially over.
It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. Even hockey couldn’t wipe away that feeling. Learning to be without Helena, to live as someone who was single, was both hard and not something I had ever thought I’d have to do.
My heart ached for Helena with every achievement I reached. My fingers always itched to call her, to tell her about it. It took me months to get over that feeling. But despite everything, I knew that part of my heart would always stay with Helena.
PRESENT DAY
Despite skating on my high school ice all summer, it still felt strange. Less so than it had done that first time I'd skated out on it, even less so than sharing it with the other Pumas for a pick-up game had been, but still strange. The feel of the ice was very different than at the Pumas’ rink, which made sense, since the ice got different care. It was a difference that most people wouldn’t have even known to notice yet it was so obvious to me.
“You finishing up, Levesque?” I heard someone call out from behind me just as I was doing my last lap.
“Well, aren’t you a blast from the past!” I grinned at the man. He looked older around the edges of his eyes, with hair a bit more silvery than I recalled. Coach James had seen me through most of my high school. While he wasn’t the only reason I’d gotten drafted, he’d played a huge part.
Skating to the boards, I stopped short before him so we could talk better. “Thanks for letting me use the ice!” I offered. It hadn’t been exclusively his call but he had rearranged some of his summer camp training hours so I could fit training in around it.
He grinned. “Of course. It’s our privilege, honestly, to have a hometown hero back on our ice!” I didn’t feel particularly heroic, but I understood his point. I would’ve been excited if a player for the NHL had come to visit during my years at high school.
“You’ll be heading Stateside before too long?” he asked. Though he hadn’t been at the wedding, I supposed that everyone in town knew when it had been.
The summer was ending, which meant that, yes, I was leaving soon. Back at the beginning, I had dreaded spending a whole summer at home. By now, I almost... maybe was a little sad about leaving.
Of course, I missed hockey. Having the season start would do me good, help with my normal structure. Yet, there was a niggling feeling at the back of my head, something reminding me that home hadn’t been all that bad. And that I’d miss it. Not just home, though, that was the truth.
Coach didn’t want to hear about my relationship woes now any more than he had back in high school.
“Soon, yeah!” I nodded, shaking the thoughts out of my head. “It’s been a long summer, I’ve been helping my brother build a house for his new wife.” Which was also something Coach probably knew about; Lunengrove was pretty small and word got around about most things.
His nodding confirmed my assumption. “I heard about that. Can’t say I ever did anything quite so grand as build a house for either of my wives!” We both chuckled, though in my case it was fondly. Pat certainly had gone all out, but from what he’d texted me the morning after the wedding, Charlotte had been very appreciative.
“Is it something you think about doing?” Coach asked me. “I know of a few more houses around town that could use some renovations, if you plan to move back one of these days.”
“Everyone’s so eager to have me move back!” I joked. It wasn’t quite true, but Pat had more or less said as much. I knew that mom and dad would be delighted if I came back. But now wasn’t the right time, even if spending this summer at home had made me consider it a lot more.
Giving a small shrug, I smiled at my old coach. “It’s something I’ve thought about more now,” I admitted. “But you know how it is, can’t give up the NHL for small-town glory,” I joked. More than that, I didn’t want to. I loved my team and I loved the hockey we played.
“Of course not,” Coach James agreed, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I hope to watch you playing in a lot more Stanley Cup finals before you even think about giving up the big time!”
I grinned. Yeah, that was something that I hoped for, too.
“Maybe by the time you retire, I’ll be thinking about scaling back the work I’m doing,” Coach continued. “It would be an honor to pass it on to you, Levesque.”
Wow! That wasn’t something I’d thought about. Obviously, training, coaching, that sort of stuff, had occurred to me as a solid career post-retirement. But I’d never considered it in the context of here. Perhaps it was because my ambitions had been more NHL-directed. It was hard to deny that, if it hadn’t been for coach James, I might have never even played in the NHL at all.
“I’ll certainly think about it,” I promised easily. Before he had a chance to reply or say anything else, the doors to the rink fell open, a crowd of kids piling in. “Ah! I’ve overstayed my welcome with all the chatting,” I joked. Usually, I was out before the kids arrived, not that I minded.
Especially not when I could wait and see how long it took them to realize who I was.
A large group intake of breath later, I had my answer!
I waited, curious to see who would break the silence. It held for a long moment, making me wonder if Coach was going to have to step in and make the introductions. But then one form broke from the group, dashing across the ice and skidding to a stop just in front of me.
Ethan’s eyes were wide as he looked up at me, but the intense desire to seem cool was written across every feature. “Hey, Sam,” he greeted, managing to only squeak a little. “Are you here to watch us play? Can I int
roduce you to everyone?”
He waved a hand to the group behind him. “These are my friends. They’re pretty great.”
“I’m sure Sam’s busy, Ethan,” Coach James pointed out. Ethan’s face fell. He looked a lot like Kate, but he had Helena’s eyes. And if there was one thing I could never say no to, it was that sad look Helena got. Ethan might not know it, but he was using it well.
Shaking my head, I gave Coach a smile. “No, it’s okay. I’d love to have Ethan introduce me to everyone. And I’ll stay for a bit of their training if that’s okay?”
Coach gave a small shrug, “I don’t really care,” he commented. “The kids will love it.” And from the way Ethan was now beaming at me, I could tell they would.
“Come on then, introduce me to everyone!” I told Ethan as we both skated over to the group.
There were questions on topics varying from what it was like to play for the NHL to what my favorite color was. I did my best to answer all of them until Coach James finally ushered the kids to start training. I stayed for a bit, helping out. It felt nice. Nice enough that it made me think about offering Sloan, our kids’ team’s coach, some help. It’d be a good way to figure out if this was something I could one day do.
In the end, it turned out to be a great afternoon. When I was finally getting off the ice, it was to leave a bunch of kids very excited.
Chapter Eighteen
Helena
The days after the wedding felt like coming back to earth with a thud. A hard thud. So much of my mind had been taken up with helping Charlotte prepare, I hadn’t even realized how I was fitting everything else in around it.
Without wedding prep to occupy them, my thoughts were suddenly free to fly. And they wheeled around restlessly, flocking to where I least wanted them to land.
Sam. Suddenly, my mind was full of Sam. And especially, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was leaving. Leaving, again.
It shouldn’t have felt the same. Last time, Sam moving to Utah had been the nail in the coffin of our relationship. But this time around, there was no relationship. My feelings shouldn’t have been involved!
But they were. Even before he left, I was missing him. Missing the steady companionship of having him back in my life. I would even miss how my heart lurched around him.
His kiss lingered on my lips. My brain constantly replayed the image of him stripping off to join me in the water. Nothing had happened - but not because I hadn’t wanted it to!
Tapping at my desk, I forced myself to review all of the reasons our relationship hadn’t worked. Not because we were incompatible, no, but because our lives were.
And our lives still were. I couldn’t move to Utah now any more than I’d been able to ten years ago.
Finally, I decided that there was nothing else for it. Sam and I needed to talk. Even knowing that nothing could come of it, there was a conversation we needed to have, so we could both be on the same page.
Then, surely, letting him go would feel a little easier?
Determination carried me all the way to Sam’s door. But faced with the familiar Levesque family home, something crumbled inside me. It was just so unfair that I had to bring this relationship to a close twice in one lifetime!
With tears stinging my eyes, I was ready to flee.
Before I could, the door heaved open and Sam stood blinking at me in surprise.
“Oh. Um. Hi.” Not the sophisticated greeting I had planned.
“Helena,” he said with a small frown. “You need help with writing a wedding speech?” he asked in that same tone. The seriousness made me give a sudden giggle. It surprised even me. The nervousness I had been feeling shifted lower in my stomach.
Stepping aside, Sam let me in. “Mom and dad are out for dinner, but you’re probably not here to see them? I mean, maybe you are? Are you here to see my mom? She’ll be back in a few hours.” We walked through to the kitchen and like a good host, Sam offered me a drink.
“No, I would call before I came to see your mom.” Maybe that was the more sensible thing to have done. After all, Sam could have been out! But my determination had taken hold of me too suddenly. Sitting and waiting would have felt intolerable.
Now that I was here, all the carefully-formed thoughts had flown right out of my head.
“You know, I’ve really liked seeing you again,” I said. And, remembering Sam’s lips on mine, my cheeks flamed red. “Maybe too much,” I admitted. I hoped it wasn’t just me!
Surprise flashed across Sam’s face. It wasn’t there for very long. That seemed like a good sign. My words hadn’t shocked Sam, hadn’t been something he wasn’t at least a little prepared to hear.
“I’ve really liked seeing you again, too,” he told me gently. “Maybe,” Sam added. “A bit too much.” The words made my heart skip a beat, but of course, Sam had been there, too for that kiss. He busied himself by making us both some tea. I knew him well enough to tell that there was a bit of nervousness there.
In a way, it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling nervous.
When he turned back, setting a cup in front of me. “So, you’re here to tell me that you’ve liked seeing me? Or that you’ve liked seeing me too much?”
My stomach churned with anxiety. But I couldn’t lie to Sam. The whole point of coming here had been to have a grown-up conversation. The kind we’d never quite managed at twenty.
“I came here to say that… even though I have liked seeing you, nothing has changed, Sam.”
The words dropped heavily from my lips, unyielding in how true they were.
“You live in Utah. I live here. Neither of us is willing to give up our career. And neither of us should have to.”
Even if kissing Sam felt like nothing I’d experienced in all the years since.
“Yeah,” Sam agreed. That hurt so unexpectedly and so sharply. I didn’t want him to agree! I wanted him to insist that we could make things work, that maybe this would be different. Or maybe, I just wanted him to say all the things Sam hadn’t said ten years ago. All the things, I hadn’t said either.
He gave a small shrug. “I thought I’d gotten over you, Helena,” Sam told me gently. “And in a way, I think I was. Am? Anyway. Ten years is enough time to get over someone, no matter how much you imagined your future with them. But seeing you again, I... It’s reminded me not only of all the reasons I fell in love with you but also of all the new reasons to fall in love with you.”
That sounded like nonsense. How could Sam be reminded of new reasons? But I knew exactly what he meant. I, too, had discovered new reasons to fall for Sam. Even if I wasn’t willing to put it quite so bluntly.
“But I still can’t tie my life to where you live.” Sam knew that, I could see it in his eyes and the way he kept a strict distance away from me.
It was like being twenty all over again, only worse. I had ten years of experience that showed me there was no one more compatible with me than Sam was. But those same ten years had built a life for me that couldn’t be picked up and moved whenever Sam’s contract changed.
“It would be one thing if you knew you would stay in Utah for another ten years.” Part of me hoped that, maybe, Sam could say that was likely. Maybe I could move for him once.
“You shouldn’t move for me,” Sam told me, shaking his head. “You have a life here, you have your work here, it would be unfair for me to even think about taking those things from you.” And while I didn’t quite agree that he would be taking something from me, I could understand what he meant. It just all seemed so hopeless! We both wanted this. But then, we’d both wanted it ten years ago, too.
Nothing had truly changed and that felt awful.
Sam sighed softly. “And I can’t move for you. We’re back where we started. Neither of us willing to uproot our lives. Nor should we. Maybe it’s just not for us? Maybe we’re not for us?”
I didn’t want that to be true. But it was hard to see any way around it. I felt tears prickle at my eye
s again, scalding the tops of my cheeks before I dashed them away.
“I tried to find a way,” I confided. “Ten years ago, I tried to see any way that I could take the bar exam over and over again. And I just couldn’t.”
It had always been a fear of mine that Sam had seen that as selfish.
The next thing I knew, Sam was right there. His big hand cupping my cheek, thumb wiping away the tears that hadn’t had a chance to fall. “I know you did,” Sam promised. “You did more than I could,” he added. Before I could object to that, before I could say that this hadn’t been Sam’s choice any more than it had been mine, his lips were against mine.
My body melted against his. It was impossible to pull back, not that I wanted to. What I wanted was to kiss Sam back. To enjoy the way his body felt so hard against mine. One of his hands settled against my hip, pulling me in closer.
Kissing Sam felt perfect in a way that nothing else ever had. Ten years had been enough time to get over him, maybe even enough time to forget how perfectly his lips fit against mine. But just one kiss from him was more than enough to remind me.
I felt it to the deepest reaches of my soul. More than anything, I wanted to know Sam felt the same way.
Pressing my body to his, I wrapped my arms around his neck. My fingers caught in the hair at the nape of his neck, urging his head down so I could lick my way into his mouth.
His lips parted, welcoming my tongue in. It made our kiss go from soft to so much more. If I had thought that the kiss we’d shared at Pat and Charlotte’s house had been good, it had nothing on this. Pleasure and passion exploded through me.
Tiptoeing, I leaned into Sam as much as I could. He slid his hand up my back, holding me close while also somehow managing to push me against one of his parents’ kitchen counters.
That thought made me give a sudden giggle. We were making out in Sam’s parents’ kitchen! Just like we had as teenagers. That was funny.
Home Matched (Salt Lake Pumas Book 4) Page 16