“You’re thinking about how we did this at sixteen, aren’t you?” Sam muttered into the kiss, not taking any steps back. I could feel his hot breath against my lips and all it did was make me want to kiss him again.
The way he knew what I was thinking without me saying a word made my whole body ache. How could we be so perfect for each other, even after all this time?
“Uh huh,” I muttered, letting the counter take my weight as I focused my attention on nibbling Sam’s lower lip in the way I knew he loved. At least, he’d loved it when I did it at eighteen. I assumed that hadn’t changed.
One big hand settled on my hip, angling my body better. I bit back a moan, electricity coursing through my veins.
Our kisses alternated between passionate and very soft and sweet. It was like our bodies were trying to make up for lost time, to fit in all varieties of kisses. There were so many things this couldn’t be, but maybe we could give in a little bit. It would still hurt, I felt like we both knew that to be true. But at least we could have a little bit of this, right?
When I rocked against Sam, my soft moans mixed with Sam’s groans and our lips met again, tongues dancing together until we parted breathlessly. Running a hand over Sam’s back, I tried to pull him in closer, if that was even possible. His body felt so perfect against mine and I wanted more. Or maybe, I wanted it for longer. It was hard to tell the difference, if there truly was one when it came to us.
After another deep kiss, Sam left a trail of smaller ones against my jaw. “You’ve always felt so good against me,” he breathed. Even our thoughts and feelings were perfectly aligned.
The rush of confidence made my head spin. Knowing that I felt as good to Sam as he did to me urged me to be bolder. I slipped my hands under Sam’s shirt, mapping the ridges of muscle that had developed since the last time I’d had my hands on him.
“Wow,” I breathed, unable to help myself. Sam had been built before, but this was even more intense. My lips fastened against the pulse point in his neck, my tongue roving over the skin to savor the taste of him.
Part of me knew we shouldn’t be doing this. But the bigger part of me wanted to save this memory forever. If I couldn’t have Sam, at least I could keep the feeling of him in my heart.
And from how Sam leaned into me, making my hand slide higher over his chest, I was pretty sure he wanted that, too. Sam’s hand, too, made it under my shirt, fingers just lightly skirting over the skin it exposed. There was electricity sparking between us, energy that I was sure I hadn’t felt in years. Possibly not since Sam.
But that just reminded me how much I couldn’t have this.
“What?” Sam asked, pulling back to give me a look. “Is making out in my parents’ kitchen just a bit too much?” he questioned, a smile playing on his lips. I knew so certainly that if I said it was, Sam would stop. And that just made me want this more. Want him more.
What would Sam say, I wondered, if I suggested we move things upstairs? The words tingled on the tip of my tongue, the reckless part of me wanting to let them fly free. It would be so easy to let myself get lost in Sam.
But it wouldn’t be fair. Not to either one of us.
Pulling back, I did my best to straighten my clothes, wishing I could ignore the way my whole body flushed with desire.
“We can’t do this.” I hated that, once again, it was me that had to be the one to say this wasn’t possible. Once again, my better judgment had to hurt us both.
The tears welled in my eyes once more. This time, when Sam reached to brush them away, I stepped aside. Putting the kitchen counter between us, my chest heaved.
“What’s the point, Sam? It won’t change anything!” And being together once would just make it hurt all the more when we had to go our separate ways. “You’re leaving in, what, a few days? We have to be sensible!”
“Sensible,” Sam repeated, like he didn’t quite understand the word. But I knew he did. I knew that if I said that, Sam wouldn’t push. Even if maybe I wanted him to. The conflicting thoughts in my head felt physically painful. The desire I felt for Sam so strong, but we couldn’t do this.
A night of passion just wasn’t worth the hurt I’d feel after. The way I’d miss Sam. I had already gone through all of that once! I couldn’t do it again. And the longer I stood here, in Sam’s parents’ kitchen, the more I just wanted to kiss him again.
But this couldn’t be.
So I needed to leave.
It took all my will to force my feet towards the door. Sam called after me, making me turn. Tears streamed down my cheeks now, without me bothering to wipe them away. “You have to let me leave.” My voice sounded as broken as I felt.
But Sam would respect that. He’d never push me beyond what I was comfortable with. Biting my lip, I took one last look at him.
“I -” The words I wanted to say weighed heavily on my tongue. “Let me know when you’re leaving, yeah? We’ll say goodbye over coffee.”
My heart couldn’t bear the idea of this being the last time I would see him.
But I had to go, letting the door thud closed behind me.
Chapter Nineteen
Sam
Watching Helena leave felt bad. Not just any sort of ordinary bad, either. It felt awful, like my heart was being ripped out all over again. And once again, it was something neither of us wanted. Memories of breaking up once already flooded through me. The way it had hurt, the way I had missed Helena so fucking much.
I didn’t want to go through that again. Nor did I want Helena to go through that again.
So she was probably right to leave, yeah? It was the best thing to do. We couldn’t let our feelings take over, couldn’t let…
Ah, fuck it!
No.
“Helena!” I called, running after her, the front door slamming behind me. I caught her before she even had the chance to get to her car. “Helena, wait!”
My heart was beating so hard against my chest that I wondered if she could hear it despite the noise outside, despite not being closer to me. Helena’s cheeks were tear-stained. It just made me want to make things better for her. It made me want to offer any sort of promise.
But it wasn’t just the moment. It was her. I wanted to make things work and I was sure I could.
“Date me.”
The words were out of my mouth before I could even stop them, before I could even think about them. But yeah. Yeah.
“Date me, Helena,” I said more confidently. “But also maybe come back inside so we can talk about it. But only if you want to. I think you do. You do, right? Fuck, I’m rambling now, but will you date me?”
Her eyes were wide with shock, taking me in carefully. “Sam.” Her cheeks flushed behind the tracks of her tears, her bitten lip making me want to pull her into my arms all over again.
We had to talk first. “What on earth do you mean, Sam?” Her confusion was obvious. And probably fair enough; I hadn’t thought this through in a way that made much sense.
“How can I date you when we don’t even live in the same country?”
“With difficulty,” I answered instantly. “I’m not saying it’d be easy, but... fuck, come on, Helena, come back inside so my parents’ neighbors don’t have to watch this.” Which they definitely would. Hell, I was pretty sure that if I was a neighbor with something like this going on I’d want to watch.
Holding my hand out, I hoped she’d take it. Helena hesitated before she reached out to take my hand. She gave it a squeeze that made me smile. Once we were back inside, I led her through to the living room, sure we could have a more productive discussion here than we had in the kitchen.
Well. Hopefully, we could do more of the stuff we’d done in the kitchen after we talked about this.
“I think we made a mistake ten years ago,” I told Helena once we’d sat down. She hadn’t pulled her hand back yet, so I began to absentmindedly stroke her thumb with mine. “We were young and the world seemed... bigger and scarier. It feels a bit scary now, bu
t...”
I took a deep breath before giving Helena a soft smile. “I don’t want to spend another ten years without you in my life, Helena. Yeah, you’re right, we are in different countries but... fuck it. Let’s try. I want to try.”
All I could do was hope that she did too. Raising her hand to my chest, I pressed it against where my heart was beating so fast. “Give me a chance? Give us a chance?” I was so sure she didn’t want us to spend another ten years apart, all I needed was a chance.
Her gaze dropped to her hand against my chest, then lifted to take in my hopeful expression. “Of course,” she said, the words barely a whisper. “Of course, I want to give us a chance, Sam, but -”
She bit her lip, as if catching the uncertainty and trying to hold it back. She shook her head, dark curls bouncing around that beautiful face.
“I don’t understand what you’re suggesting. You agreed that neither of us should give up our career. So how can we date?”
She sighed, looking so unhappy. I wanted to kiss all her cares away. Maybe, at twenty, I would have tried. Now, I knew that we actually needed to talk about it, come up with a plan. Together.
“Would you come back every other summer?” she asked. “I can’t take the whole off-season off work, but I could visit Utah for a few weeks.”
“Every summer,” I promised easily. “I’ll come back every summer. Maybe not always for three months, but you get vacation days, right? So we’ll take those. There’s weekends when you’re free and could fly out to Salt Lake. And same for me, I’ll come out when I don’t have games.”
Ten years ago it had seemed impossible to make a relationship work long distance and long term, but looking back on it, I would have taken that over not being with Helena. And now I had that chance. We could figure things out.
There was no way this would be easy, but if we didn’t approach it as being easy then... then we could make it work. All we needed to do was try.
“And there’s phonecalls, videocalls, all that,” I argued my case. “It was scary ten years ago, the idea of not being together, but now... We can be together, just not all the time. Not for now. But to me, that’s better than nothing.”
It really, truly was. Even a bit of time with Helena would be better than all the time without her.
The look on Helena’s face matched my own feelings perfectly. Hope, most of all, with a little anxiety, a little uncertainty. But if we both wanted to make it work, then I had to believe it was possible. The two of us had always been able to do anything we set our minds to. Why should this be different?
“Oh, Sam.” Helena’s palm flattened against my chest, her touch calming the wild racing of my heart. “Of course a little time with you is better than nothing.”
Hearing her say it was like a dozen fireworks going off inside me, all at once. If I could convince Helena to give this a try, I knew it would be better than being apart.
“Do you think it will work?” Helena asked. “Having a girlfriend a whole country away… Won’t you need someone closer? Who can be there for you in the time it takes to get across a city, not the time it takes to fly from Canada?”
It would have been unfair of me to answer without thinking about it. Truth was, I hadn’t actually given this a whole lot of thought. Yes, I had thought about asking Helena out, but those thoughts had been quickly pushed to one side as silly. Now they felt more real than ever. I could have this, I could have her! But I had to be certain.
Asking Helena to date me was something I couldn’t ask without being sure that I could commit to it. Commit to her. That would be unfair to both of us. So I thought about it. Could I do this?
There was no doubt that it wouldn’t be easy. At the same time, I also didn’t doubt that I wanted it. While my other relationships had been fine, they hadn’t even come close to what I felt for Helena. Both back then and now, too.
“I’m sure I want to make it work,” I told her truthfully. “Would I prefer it if we could be together all the time? Yeah, of course. But I also want you to do the things you love. That’s what makes you happy and I just want to be a part of that. There’s a lot of things that make me happy and I want you to be one of those things, too. To share those things with me as well.
“You’re worth it,” I said with a smile. “You’ve always been worth it, I was just too stupid to realize that before.” And I’d always be sorry about that, but hopefully, that could all change. Hopefully, Helena would let me make it up to her.
Instead of answering in words, Helena closed the distance between us. Her lips landed on mine, soft and gentle at first. My arms went around her instantly, ready to pull her into my lap and forget about talking for a little while.
Before I could, Helena pulled back. “You’re worth it too, Sam Levesque.” My heart gave a great leap, the smile spreading instantly across my face.
Helena’s small hand cupped my cheek, her fingers moving across the slight stubble of my skin. “We’re not twenty anymore, but I think that’s a good thing. What felt impossible back then feels like a challenge that we can face.”
I completely agreed.
“But we should talk about the specifics. I trust that if you’re willing to try this, we’re going to be faithful to each other, no matter how long it might be between visits.”
There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I wanted Helena and only Helena. If I had to wait another ten years, I would, but I really rather not. She’d asked me where I saw myself in ten years and the honest truth was that without her, I didn’t see myself at all. Whatever my life would be, it just wouldn’t be as good if Helena wasn’t in it.
“Alright, specifics,” I nodded. “Like what?” I felt pretty ready to promise Helena anything and everything. But that wasn’t what she was asking for. We could be grown-ups about this. That was what we needed to do. To communicate and figure things out. There was no one I wanted to do that with more than the woman in my arms.
She paused, the warmth of her hand on my cheek making my head spin. This was really happening! We’d swooped up from despair and sadness to excitement so quickly! It was hard to believe.
“Would we tell people?” Helena asked. “If you’re leaving soon, we don’t have much time to give this a trial run. Would you want your family to know?”
It immediately made me think of Helena’s family, of what they would say. My parents had always been a lot more accepting of our relationship. They’d be glad for me, even if they might be a little concerned about how challenging this was going to prove.
“My parents would be pleased. They love you,” I pointed out. “But if you wanted us to wait a little, to see how things go first, that’d be fine with me, too.” And honestly, it would be. I felt like right now, I was willing to promise Helena most things. There was very little I could imagine she’d ask that I’d not be okay with.
It made sense to wait a bit, even if my mom would be absolutely thrilled. If this didn’t work out, then it would feel all that much worse to then go around and tell everyone again. But I did have high hopes!
“Obviously, tell Charlotte,” I teased a little bit.
To my delight, Helena giggled. It was a sound I hadn’t realized I’d missed until I heard it again. Now, it felt even more precious than ever.
“Telling Charlotte means telling Pat,” Helena pointed out. “And if he knows, your parents may as well know. We don’t have to keep it a secret. They’ll understand that we can’t know what will happen until we try.”
As Helena shifted closer, I could feel the warmTH of her skin. “But maybe don’t tell the press right away. Or Ethan.”
God, yeah. I could imagine how excited Ethan would be that his aunt was dating an NHL player. And how disappointed he’d be if she stopped.
“Okay. You’re right, my family probably would find out.” I nodded. “But yours doesn’t have to.” Yes, telling Ethan was a bad idea but so was telling the rest of Helena’s family. Even if they seemed to like me better now that I was earni
ng quite a lot of money. Suddenly, me playing hockey for a living didn’t seem to matter as much.
Turning my head, I pressed a kiss against Helena’s hand, making her smile in response. “It’s easy to start planning for far away future, for all the things I’d want us to be and become, but... Let’s be real about this. It might not work, I know that. Obviously, I hope it will, I’m willing to work hard to make it succeed. But it might not.”
And yeah, that was very far from the ideal. But what was the point in getting our hopes up without even trying?
“So date me. Let me take you out on a date. Yeah, I am going in a few days, but that’s a few days we could fill with dates?”
Helena’s smile was as sweet as that very first time I asked her to teach me to dance. But this time, there was a lot more confidence shining from her eyes, too. It was a heady combination, one that made me want to prove to her that this could work.
“Alright,” she agreed, sliding her hand to the back of my neck. Her fingers worked their way through my hair, bringing my whole body out in pleasant shivers. “You take me out on a date first, then I’ll take you out on one.”
Her lips curved into a smirk that was totally sexy. “We’ve both got an advantage; it should be pretty interesting to see who can plan the best date.”
“Oh, it will be you,” I said with confidence. A smile played on my lips. Having Helena date me better than I was dating her wasn’t something that bothered me a great deal. I could put together a good date, I was sure, one that she’d enjoy. She was just no doubt better at it. But that was okay, too. Trying was going to be what Helena truly appreciated and I was ready to put in all the trying.
Giving her another grin, I tugged against her hand. “Before the dating, though, do you think we can do a bit more of the kissing? I’ve missed kissing you.” There were ten years of kissing to catch up with after all!
The blush that tinted her cheeks made her eyes sparkle even more brightly blue. I had missed this, saying things that made Helena give me those incredible smiles.
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