by E. L. Todd
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What does it matter?”
“Because the baby is going to be confused. He’s going to go from a husband and wife to a husband and a husband. It’ll totally throw him off.”
I knew he was just upset so I let his comments go. “You’re overreacting. Skye and I haven’t even talked about this yet.”
“Well, you better pick Trinity and I. You know no one will love that baby more than she and I.”
“You aren’t even ready to have your own kid,” I argued.
“But when that baby gets here I’m going to be the best damn father this world has ever seen.” He stomped his foot. “And shouldn’t your baby be with ours since they’re the same age? Come on, you know I’ll do a great job. I’ll smother that baby with love.”
The gesture was touching even though it wasn’t coming out that way. “Just calm down.”
He pointed at my stomach. “That. Baby. Is. Mine.”
Now I rolled my eyes and didn’t even hide it. “Why is this so important to you?”
“Because I’m your best friend. I know you better than anyone, including Skye. If something happens to you, who’s going to keep your spirit alive? I can tell your kid everything about you. He’ll know you through me.” He shoved his thumb into his chest. “I deserve to be the godfather.”
“We’re getting ahead of ourselves here…we can revisit this conversation at a later time.”
“Trinity is rich,” he blurted. “Your kid will always have whatever he needs.”
“Skye and I are wealthy too. Everything we have would pass down to them.”
“But still,” he argued. “You know you’ll have security with us.”
I wished this topic hadn’t come up.
“Is it because I run a tattoo parlor?”
“No,” I said with a bored voice. “And I’m not even telling you no. I’m just telling you I don’t know yet. Stop bombarding me.”
“And stop procrastinating and just tell Skye.”
I growled under my breath. “I wasn’t going to tell her after our baby kicked for the first time. I’d be a dick if I did.”
“Just write her a letter.” He snapped his fingers when he had an idea. “No, email her when she’s at work. And bam, you’re done.”
I pressed my lips tightly together and kept my insults back.
“Or maybe make a riddle so she has to figure it out.” He looked toward the sky as he continued to brainstorm. “Or maybe you should—”
“I’m not sending her on a scavenger hunt and I’m not going to write her a letter like a coward.”
“And not telling her makes you less of a coward?”
I headed to the bench and grabbed my water so I wouldn’t punch him in the nose.
Slade sat down then sprayed his own mouth with water. “Have Trinity tell her.”
“Does Trinity know?” Accusation was in my eyes.
“Of course not,” he snapped. “Are you crazy? She would run to Skye the second she knew. I wouldn’t throw you under the bus like that.”
I sat next to him.
“If Trinity told me something Skye did, I’d run to you and tell you in a heartbeat. No, Trinity can’t be trusted with this. Some secrets are good between husband and wife.”
“Thanks for keeping it to yourself.”
“I’ll take it to the grave, man. But you really should tell her. I know I’m being paranoid, but I’m afraid it’s going to come out in some other way.”
“I don’t see how it would.”
“What if Laura texts you or calls you? And Skye sees it and wonders what’s going on?”
“Like I would give her my number.” I wasn’t stupid.
Slade shrugged. “I’ll be able to sleep better at night after you tell her and everything blows over. We’re a foursome and we can’t mess that up.”
“It’ll be fine, Slade. I know Skye and I will work it out. But I don’t want to ruin the dream I’m living in. I’m afraid that fairytale will be destroyed and we’ll never get it back.”
“You will,” Slade said. “Just because she might be mad at you wouldn’t stop her from loving you. When Trinity is pissed off at me she loves me more fiercely. I know that doesn’t make any sense but it’s true.”
With them, it made perfect sense. Fighting seemed to be another form of lovemaking. Skye and I were nothing like that. Actually, we hardly ever fought. But we shouldn’t compare our relationships or even try to determine who loved whom more. There was no way to measure it.
***
The second I got home, I tackled Skye on the couch and made love to her against the armrest. Her legs were against my chest and her feet rested on my shoulders. I gave it to her good and hard because I needed to. Even being hours apart was too long for me. I spent time with Slade because I knew I couldn’t ignore him. But I’d been thinking about doing this to Skye pretty much the entire time.
When I was finished, I sat on the couch beside her. I was naked and sweaty, and Skye had her dress pulled up to her chest.
“Hello to you too,” she said with a satisfied sigh.
My hand moved to her stomach. “It’s the only way I say hello and goodbye.”
“And it’s a very nice greeting.” Her hand moved on top of mine. “Had fun with Slade?”
“Yes and no.”
“Sounds like there’s a story to tell…”
“He thinks he should be the godfather, and if we don’t ask him he’s going to throw a fit about it.”
“Why does he care that much?”
“I couldn’t tell you.”
“Is this like the wedding all over again?” she asked. “When he was angry we didn’t want him to marry us?”
“Exactly like that.”
She rolled her eyes. “I know he means well, but damn he’s annoying.”
I chuckled. “I know. Did you have anyone in mind?”
“Honestly, I haven’t given it much thought. I don’t sit around and think about our deaths.”
“Me neither.”
“Well, our kids would probably go to my parents if something really did happen. I know they’ll be second parents once our baby gets here. And they did a great job raising me so I know they have the experience.”
“But you aren’t supposed to pick your parents as the godparents. You’re supposed to pick someone you aren’t related to.”
“I think that’s stupid,” she argued. “Then Roland and Clementine would come next.”
“So, you wouldn’t consider Slade and Trinity?”
“I didn’t say that…I’m sure they would be great parents.”
“Well, keep this in mind. They’re probably going to ask us to be the godparents to their children. It would be pretty rude if we didn’t ask them to be ours…”
She cringed at the thought. “I guess you’re right.”
“It would be like Trinity asking you to be her maid of honor but you didn’t ask her to be yours.”
“Actually, that’s worse.”
“But you get my point.”
“I guess I’ll have to really think about it…”
My hand moved across her stomach gently. “Nothing is going to happen to us anyway, Skye. I’ll make sure of that.”
“I know.” She rested her hand on mine.
Our eyes locked and a moment passed between us. Our baby hadn’t arrived yet but we were already a family. In the back of my mind, I thought about the secret I needed to confess. But now wasn’t the time.
Would it ever be the time?
Chapter Eleven
Beatrice
I was mortified.
My mind slipped and my heart took over. I misinterpreted everything about that night and did something foolish.
I kissed Jared.
When he hugged me outside the vineyard, it seemed like he never wanted to let me go. He even called me baby, like I was more than just his friend. Then we went to the movies and he gave me his jacket. My head migrated to his shoulder wh
en I fell asleep, but I woke up when he grabbed my hand. I remembered the way he interlocked our fingers.
I thought it meant something.
It turned out that I was completely wrong. I misjudged everything about our relationship. I thought I caught him staring at me from time to time, but I guess it was just a friendly look.
I was so stupid.
When I leaned in and kissed him, it seemed like he wanted it. His lips moved close to mine like they had their own thoughts. And the second our lips touched, it was like a firework show on the Fourth of July. I felt the spark between us, which ignited into a fireball. His mouth felt right against mine, and when our tongues danced together I wanted more than just a kiss.
But he pulled away like he’d been stung. He stepped back like he didn’t want it. And he looked at me like he regretted what had transpired. To him, it was an awkward mistake.
I ruined everything.
A week had gone by and I didn’t hear from him. Sometimes I looked at my phone and hoped to see a message from him. Other times I stared at my screen and held my thumb over his name because I wanted to call him. When I wasn’t doing either of those things, I was thinking about him.
Was he thinking about me?
Did I just throw away the one true friend I had? Did I sabotage our relationship so badly it could never be repaired? Were we even friends anymore? Should I call him?
No, I shouldn’t.
If the situations were reversed, I knew I would want space. We clearly had different feelings toward each other. Why would he want to be around me when he knew how I really felt? It would always be tense and uncomfortable. We could never get back what we had.
Jeremy stepped into my office without knocking.
I was just sitting at my desk staring blankly at my screen, so I randomly typed on the keyboard so it would look like I was doing something. My brother was intuitive when it came to my emotions, so I tried not to act totally miserable.
“That woman called back. She said she wants thirty bottles of the Reisin. You think that will be enough for sixty guests at a wedding?”
“Uh…” I couldn’t get my head on straight. “More than enough. That means each person can have half a bottle. And there will certainly be people there who don’t want wine at all.”
“Okay. I’ll put the order in.”
“Sounds good.” I turned back to my computer and typed randomly even though I didn’t even have my email tab open.
Jeremy took a step toward the door. I thought I was in the clear, but he suddenly turned back to me. “You okay, Beatrice?”
“I’m fine.” My voice came out high-pitched and unnatural.
“Because you seem…a little down.”
“I’m recovering from a cold.” I coughed into my hand but it didn’t sound real.
Jeremy wasn’t buying it. “It seems like something is on your mind and I haven’t seen Jared in a while. I have a feeling the two events are related.”
Why did my brother have to be so smart all the time? It was annoying. I felt bad for his wife. “We just…had a fight.”
“About what?”
“About the wine bar.” I couldn’t think of something better.
“That’s not a good sign if you’re opening a business together.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think we’re opening it together anymore.” I didn’t see how we could after what happened. Jared would probably pay back my investment into the bar and continue on by himself. That’s what he was planning on doing anyway.
“Then it sounds like something really bad happened between you.”
Yeah, I did something stupid. “Jeremy, it’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“How can I not worry about you?” he asked. “You’re my sister. You annoy me like crazy but I do care about you.”
I couldn’t talk about boy trouble with him. “Really, I’m fine.”
“You want me to talk to Jared for you? He and I always got along.”
“No.” I said it a little more aggressively than I meant to. “Just stay out of it.”
Jeremy stepped back slightly. “Okay, I’ll back off. But I’m always here to talk if you need it.”
“I know.” I relaxed now that he wasn’t going to run off to Jared and make it work.
He gave me a slight nod before he walked out and shut the door behind him.
I lay my head on the desk and sighed.
***
Not only did I hate myself for pulling a stupid stunt like that, but I hated myself for chasing away my only friend. Jared put up with my stiffness and got me to loosen up. He changed me for the better and actually made me a fun person to be around. Somehow, he made me forget about Conrad without even trying.
I wasn’t sure when this happened. One day he was just my friend, and then the next I realized he’d been so much more for a very long time. I didn’t notice the feelings during the transition stage, and I only saw the end result.
How long had I felt like this? How long was I in denial?
For a long time.
Why did he hold my hand if he didn’t feel something for me? Why did he allow me to rest my head on his shoulder? Why did he hug me so long outside the vineyard? He really didn’t feel anything for me?
It didn’t make any sense.
But he did pull away and end our kiss. He did walk away without saying goodbye.
And he hadn’t called.
I guess I would never know how he felt. I guess I would never know what went wrong.
Because he was no longer my friend.
Chapter Twelve
Jared
Fuck.
Shit.
Goddammit.
Ugh.
I sat in my office chair and stared blankly at my computer screen. I needed to pay bills, order more supplies, and pay my employees but I couldn’t focus on anything. Beatrice’s face was permanently engraved in my mind.
Along with the devastated look in her eyes.
I hated myself for what I’d done. I didn’t mean to hurt her but I couldn’t let the kiss continue on. It would lead somewhere that would only hurt her more. But I shouldn’t have let the kiss happen at all. I should have discreetly brushed it off like I didn’t know what was happening.
But no, I decided to be a dick instead.
Now I didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t called me, but that was exactly what I expected her to do. She would never confront me about it. That just wasn’t how she was. So if I didn’t say something to her, then we would probably never speak again. That was probably for the best.
But it’s not what I wanted.
If I did find the strength to talk to her, what would I say? How could I repair the situation? When I pictured my life without her I felt sick. I didn’t want to lose her. She was my best friend in the world. She was the first person who made me feel good about myself. She liked me for exactly who I was even though I wasn’t perfect. And I felt the same way toward her.
But how could I keep her?
What would I say to her? Would I apologize and ask if we could remain friends? How could I turn her down when I knew she felt the same way I did? Or should I act like nothing happened at all?
I had to do something. If I kept this up, she would be out of my life forever.
The easiest solution would be to come clean about my feelings. I should just be honest. I could have her, which was exactly what I wanted. I wish I could be her boyfriend. I would love to take her out to dinner, hold her hand as we walked up the sidewalk, and make love to her in my bed.
But I couldn’t do that. I would just hurt her.
I would never change.
***
I paced back and forth in front of her door for a long time. My fingers kept gliding through my hair, and my breathing wouldn’t slow down. My feet fell on the hardwood floor and I hoped she wouldn’t hear my footsteps.
If she asked why we couldn’t be together, I had to lie. The truth wasn’t an option. If I told her
my deepest and darkest fear, she would tell me I was the most trustworthy guy on the planet. She would look at me with those beautiful green eyes…and I would fall.
Hard.
I finally faced her door and took a deep breath. My fist hovered over the wood for a long time before I finally rapped my knuckles against it. Adrenaline spiked in my blood and I couldn’t stand still. I shifted my weight back and forth and kept changing the position of my arms.
I needed to calm down.
Her footsteps were heard on the other side of the door. I could see the shadow of her feet from underneath the panel. She stilled once she looked through the peephole, knowing I was standing on the other side.
Then she didn’t move.
Maybe she wasn’t going to answer the door. Maybe she didn’t want to see me ever again. The thought hurt…a lot.
Beatrice turned the lock then slowly pulled the door open. She looked at me with her green eyes, but they weren’t as bright as they normally were. The expression on her face was guarded and impenetrable. It was the exact same expression she gave me when we first met.
We were back to square one.
“Hey…” I wish I had something better to say. I put my hands in my pockets awkwardly because I didn’t know what else to do.
“Hi…” She kept her hand on the door like she might shut it at any moment.
The tension escalated as we stared at each other. The silence didn’t help. It was so quiet we could hear each other breathe. The fact she looked so beautiful when she was sad didn’t help. I wanted to kiss all her pain away. It took every ounce of strength to keep myself on this side of the door.
“I came by…can we talk?” I rubbed the back of my neck because I felt so uncomfortable.
“I guess.” She didn’t open the door wider.
“Can I come in?” I didn’t want to have this conversation in the hallway.
She considered it with her lips pressed together. Then she finally backed away and allowed me inside her apartment.
I walked inside like I had a hundred times, but this distinctly felt different. It didn’t feel like a home anymore. I used to come over here all the time, every day of the week. I would drink all the beer in her fridge and lay on the couch. But now I didn’t feel welcome anymore.