by B. M. Hardin
“Hello, I said what do you want to do, huh?" he said, just shy of shouting.
“I said nothing. The only thing I want for our anniversary, Christmas or for any other holiday is a divorce. Since I know that’s not going to happen, I don’t want anything from you." I said bluntly, knowing that my comments were going to piss him off but I held tight to the knife and my hand and fondle with it letting him know today was not the day.
“Well, that’s never going to happen. We will work this out. But I can’t do it by myself. I need your help. So we should go somewhere, let's just get away. Please just go away with me."
I hated when he begged. It always made me feel weak. It always reminded me of the man I used to know, the man I met a year and a half ago. But he just wasn’t that man anymore.
“Whatever you say," I struggled, understanding that I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I knew it was a disaster waiting to happen but then again I was married to the disaster.
~**************~
~*No one knows exactly why some thing’s happen, but when they do, don’t get discourage because just like after every thunderstorm there is a rainbow... somewhere. After ever test, trial or downfall there is resolution...everywhere.*~
~*Anonymous
*Chapter Nine*
Cancun, Mexico, was still beautiful at this time of year. We had been out here a week and I was almost dreading going back to California. I was surprised, but thing had actually been pretty good. He hadn’t flipped out on me the entire trip, even when I turned him down from sex. I told him that if he really wanted to work this out, certain things had to be on my time. He took it for what it was, stating that he was willing to do anything to make me love him again. Of course I really didn’t want us to work, but if that would keep him on his best behavior and allow me to keep my good gangsta' to myself, I would say whatever I had to.
The reality was that our marriage just couldn’t be fixed. There was no hope for us. Not even a little bit.
I had been at the spa for the past two hours and thought it was about time to get back before trouble came looking for me.
I decided to stop along the way to shop for souvenirs and a few last minutes Christmas gifts, and somehow, I had allowed another two hours to past me by. Surprisingly, Marcus hadn’t even called, so my guess was he was off doing his own thing. Good.
Entering the condo, I immediately heard giggling.
A woman giggling.
I know he didn’t have a woman in here? But then again, of course his disrespectful ass had a woman in here. It’s not that I was jealous, I could care less who he got his rocks off with as long as it wasn’t from me, but he could at least went to her room. And adding fuel to the fire, we were here on our wedding anniversary, more or less.
This dysfunctional ass marriage was definitely over.
I turned the corner to see them making out on the California King bed. I simply rolled my eyes and turned to leave but the devil called my name.
“Kasey? Where you think you going?”
“Marcus, does it matter? It seems like you got your hands full. Enjoy.” I said in disgust.
“Were both going to enjoy her.”
“No thanks, I'll pass” I rolled my eyes and turned to walk away. And of course things got ugly.
I think he truly thought he could beat me into submission, but really, he just beat me until I got tired or until I gave up. I fought him for as long as I could but as always, it was pointless. And the little bitch didn’t even try to help me. She could have hit him with a lamp or something. That was the least she could have done.
Marcus wiped the blood from his bottom lip as he talked.
Actually his ass whooping’s were making me stronger; tougher. I wasn’t the only one getting up from the fight bleeding anymore.
Just a little while longer.
Marcus said that he had always wanted a threesome.
What the hell did that have to do with me?
I laid still as she put her mouth on me. I didn’t say a word, nor did I get aroused. I was so angry, too angry to even shed a tear. I glanced quickly at Marcus who was moaning loudly from watching her attempt to please me. He had begun to touch himself and then smacked her bare ass. I was disgusted to the max but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I was trying hard not to focus on what was going on in between my legs but it was almost impossible. Whatever she was doing she was doing it well, but I refused to enjoy myself.
I thought about the introduction to 'women on women' that night with Niecy.
We were preparing for bed as we always did. She had just gotten out the shower and came into my room with just a towel on. She was asking me something about what was on T.V. But it was hard to focus on anything with her big booty staring at me in my face. It wasn't that I was into women; I was just so amazed at how big it was. I mean it was huge. I guessed I hadn’t noticed her turn to look at me but nevertheless, she had caught me staring.
“Well, I guess you’ll have to do it soon or later if you’re planning on getting in the business. I might as well be your first and show you the ropes.” Niecy shrugged and dropped her towel.
“Huh?” I asked looking at her naked body, which still did nothing for me, so at least I had my confirmation.
Niecy walked closer to me. She lifted up my arms and took of my t-shirt, knowing I wasn’t wearing anything underneath. She stood me up and inched even closer, so close that you couldn’t have squeezed a dime between us.
I was starting to feel something. I wasn’t quite sure what it was.
But the more she rubbed and caressed my body the more turned on I became and the more I figured out that she was introducing me to the wonderful world of intimacy.
“Are you okay?” she asked. I simply nodded unable to speak. She grabbed my hands and showed me what to do with them. She showed me how to touch her, how to say words with my hands and never even opening my mouth. She started to kiss my neck softly, and then began to nibble on my earlobes. It's hard to explain what I felt. It felt wrong, but more than anything it felt so right.
I somewhat gasp when she placed my left breast in her mouth. She moved her tongue gently around the nipple, allowing me to enjoy the sensation that it was sending from my breast to my now sizzling va-gi-gi. Niecy took my hand and rubbed it up against her freshly shaved vagina. Finger by finger, she led them to the mouth of her most prized possession. I could feel it's warmth as the juices soaked my fingers. She moaned in my ear asked me if I was ready. And from that moment on, she made me a woman...again. The experience with Niecy was not one that would ever be forgotten nor could it ever be replaced. Tough I have to admit, I enjoyed it, yet it was something that was meant to happen one time, and one time only.
Marcus had made his way next to me, and had ripped what was left of my shirt off. He sucked my left breast and tickled my nipple with my tongue. It was nothing compared to the way Niecy had done it.
I hadn’t let him touch me in so long that I was almost sure he was about to cum just from a little boob action. He and she, whoever she was, moaned and unison as they both did their best to try pleasure me. None of it was working and I for one was growing impatient. I figured the only thing left to do was fake it, maybe then they would go away. I began to make pretend noises of desire and act as if I was enjoying myself.
Secretly I felt like dying. Yet again my own husband had made me do something against my will. Again he had made me feel worthless and misused.
I acted as if she had satisfied me with her mouth and motioned for her to move. She knew she hadn’t done her job but I could see in her eyes that she felt sorry for me, a sense of pity. I didn’t need her pity or her sympathy; I just needed her to get the hell away from me.
I attempted to roll off of the bed but Marcus grabbed my arm and asked the Mexican woman to come to him. She did as she was told, and once on her back, Marcus, without hesitation, entered her. He held tight to my arm and told me to watch him give
her what I refused to let him give me.
For some strange reason or another, I actually did watch him.
Not in awe, not in jealousy, but in disbelief.
I watch him slowly give her the business, and she appeared to love every single minute of it.
I almost wanted to smack the hell out of her, but this wasn’t her fault. I was sure he had probably offered her more money than she had ever seen in her life to do this, so to her, this was a business deal. But to me, this was my life, my marriage, and my no damn good husband.
Though I was seeing it with my own eyes, I just failed to understand how he could do something so degrading, and right in front of me.
I was convinced that he was out to hurt me. To make my life a living hell, but I had to put a stop to it, I was going to put a stop to it. After he had released himself inside of her, he finally let go of my arm.
He looked at me but said nothing and neither did I.
~***~
“Where is your wedding ring?” Marcus questioned.
I was surprised he had even noticed. Ever since the forced threesome in Cancun, when were back home, he had kept his distance.
“It’s in the trash.”
“In the what? What's in the trash? You mean to tell me you threw a $50,000 ring in the trash?”
“Yep.” I said bluntly and continued wrapping gifts for my family. Christmas was only three days away and I was so far behind.
Marcus had insisted that I wrapped his families things first, so I was scurrying to get mines, wrapped and mailed off by that evening.
Seeing that he was disturbed that I wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, I slid closer to the pair of scissors on the floor. I was tired and it was time for him to see just how tired I was.
“So, you think you have the right not to wear your ring? Why you don't want other men to know that you're married? Is that it huh? You want to be a hoe now?
And furthermore, you don’t throw a damn thing away that I bought.” he yelled at me as if I was a five year old girl.
I didn’t say a word because what he was saying was irrelevant. The ring was gone and I wasn’t wearing another one. I would cut my own damn finger off first.
In the midst of my thoughts, Marcus grabbed me by my right leg. He began to drag me around in circles on the cold hardwood floors. He was slinging me around so recklessly, that my head was hitting everything in its path, from coffee tables to the bottoms of the sofas.
Feeling a little dizzy, I tuned out his name calling and threats and desperately tried to focus on the pair of scissors. By the grace of God, for about three seconds he whipped me in their direction and I hurriedly scooped them up. Before I had a chance to change my mind, I forced myself off of my back and stabbed him in the back of his leg.
Instantly, he dropped my leg and focused on his now bleeding calf.
He screamed out in pain, but I was already up and on my feet.
I grabbed my purse and out the door I ran.
I knew I had to go back sooner or later because of my daughter but that was the furthest thing on my mind at the moment. Now safe, inside my all black Jaguar, I thought about what I had just done. I couldn’t believe that I had actually stabbed him but then again the things he had done to me had been far worse. I was thinking I should have been done something to that extreme, maybe then he wouldn’t have been such a pain in my ass.
I was struggling to catch my breath, and pulled over on the side of the road. I must have been sitting there for only about ten minutes before I saw the blue lights in my rearview mirror.
“Yes, officer, I was just trying to catch my breath. I ---”
“Mrs. Gordon, step out of the car please.”
So much for getting out the gifts before Christmas.
~***~
Marcus had left me in jail on Christmas. He actually let me miss my baby's first Christmas. How could he do that to me? He knew how important it was to me.
Marcus had called the police after I stabbed him to take out charges on me. Of course, he was going to drop them but he refused to come and bail me out of jail until he felt like it, which was two days after Christmas.
I spent almost a week in jail, over something that he had started. After all he had done to me I had never called the cops on him and I had more than enough reasons to do so. I couldn’t believe he would scoop so low and then make me suffer and miss the holidays with my daughter.
The whole time in that jail cell, I thought about my life. I thought about how I used to complain and how unhappy I thought I was. But none of it compared to my life now. None of it compared to what I was going through. I felt so bad that I hadn’t listened to Niecy. She had tried to warn me that a life of luxury wasn’t all it was painted out to be. I felt so stupid for not listening to her.
At the time, I was just so tired of struggling. I was so tired of being without. Never in a million years did I think my life would turn out to be this way. What did I do to deserve this life?
It just didn’t make sense. But I was tired of trying to figure it out. I was tired of crying and worrying. I just wanted to live and be happy. That’s all I’ve ever asked for.
When Marcus came to pick me up, I could hardly even look at him. I just wanted to get as far away from him as possible. He talked to me but I didn’t talk back. He tried to explain why he had done what he had done but none of that even mattered. The fact of the matter was that I was tired dead tired and I was going to do something about it.
Since I had missed Christmas, I decided to fly home for New Years. I was surprised that Marcus allowed it but he refused to let me take our daughter. He knew that I would come back as long as she was there so he agreed to let me go alone. I didn’t want to leave her but I knew if I didn’t get away, I would snap. I'm sure she was in good hands, being that Marcus adored her, so I decided to take the offer before he changed his mine.
Back in Alabama, I was reminded of just what winter was supposed to feel like.
It was so cold that I was sure that Jacky Frost, that’s Jack Frost's wife, was sitting right next to me constantly breathing her freezing breath down my spine.
“Mama, I missed you.” I squealed at the sight of her.
This was only the second time I had been to her home since I had had it built. She had the nicest house in town. I made sure of it.
I was so glad to have been able to finally take care of her ad all of my family. She had been such a good mama coming up and she deserved to live well, even if it was at my expense.
I had built her own house, just the way she wanted it, bought her a car, and I gave her a million dollars.
To this day, I wondered if Marcus even knew how much money I had spent on her since he could have cared less were his money was going, in the beginning, as long as I was happy. Now he kept a close watch, just to see if I was trying to stash.
“I missed you too.” Mama said hugging me tightly and then moving out of the way so grandma could get some love.
Being back home, had never felt so good. So right. Home had always been where the heart is and this is where my heart was because it for damn sure wasn’t in California.
“What’s wrong baby?” my grandma Flo asked. Actually, she was the biggest reason I wanted to come home. I knew she would give me some good, old country advice about my situation. She was old and wise and life and experiences had given her more than enough wisdom and knowledge. And also, secretly, I was hoping she knew an old remedy to kill his ass.
“What isn't wrong grandma?” I asked her and started to cry.
I broke down and told her, mama and my two oldest sisters everything. They all looked at me with concern, disbelief that I had been going through it, and taking it for so long.
“Listen baby, life is about learning. Everything you go through is to teach you a lesson or to help prepare you for some things to come. The catchy thing about living is that if you're not doing it right, then, you're doing it wrong. Those are the only two options. And another thing,
money has never been able to buy you or nobody else no love. It will buy you things that you may think you love, it may even buy things that you think you need.
But at the end of the day, money can't buy the things that matter the most. Money is made, and then it's spent. That's the only thing it was designed to do. That's the only thing it will ever be, no more, no less. But happiness, love, joy, those are things that can't be bought. Those are fruits of the spirit, food for your soul. Those are things that you are going to need to make it through these times. Without those things, you will fail. No matter what you do and how you do it, you will fail.” grandma said. And I understood her I truly did.
“But grandma, through it all, I still think I love him. I love him.”
I cried even harder because I felt pitiful. I honestly and truly still loved my husband. No matter what he had done to me, I still did.
“You love him you say? Just what is love?” she asked. She waited on our responses but no one said anything, not even mama.
“Is it a feeling; a thought? Or maybe it’s an action? Let me tell you something, love is patient, and it is kind. Do you know, and truly understand what that means?
That means real love understands, acknowledges and accepts all flaws. It endures all changes. It puts its feelings aside for the wellbeing of something or someone else. That's love. Love is kind means that no matter how many times you mess up, how many times you fall down, it’ll always be right there to lift you up and to pick you up. That's love. It's not going to curse you nor beat you for your mistakes or because it doesn't agree, no it will always, and I mean always, lift you up because that is what it was made to do. Loving somebody is more than just a feeling, or an action or even a thought. It’s a lifestyle, a decision; an emotion that has made up its mine to give and keep on giving. To feel and keep on feeling. To love and keep on loving. You see, the thought, the feeling, the action of love, real love, and true love always operates as one. Real love can’t be shaken, it can’t be broken. It will always stand firm, solid. And it will never, ever waiver.