by B. M. Hardin
Real love will take a bullet for you with no questions. It will trade places with you on your death bed, with no reasoning’s. Real love will walk through a fire, flesh burning, just to get the hose on the other side so that you don't get burned too. And you know why...because love has always been something that’s bigger than you and I. It has a mind of its own and when it loves, it loves and it wants nothing more than to see the person that it loves safe, happy.
The reason it lives, the reason it breathes is because of the love it has for the thing or person it loves. Why do you think people die from broken hearts? Because once the other half of their true love is gone, their hearts feel like it’s done its part and that there is no other reason to carry on in this life, or on this journey without that love by its side. It' wants peace and peace is wherever their true love has gone so the heart gives up and goes too. Love is a powerful, powerful thing. And so many people misuse it. Abuse it. And throw it around lightly, not truly understanding its meaning.
If you are ever lucky enough to find it or if you have found true love, real love, you will never know a greater feeling, because there is no greater feeling than real love.”
Grandma had said a mouth full.
And if that was what love was supposed to be, than no I didn’t truly love my husband the way I thought I did, and I don’t think I ever had or ever would.
“So, Kasey, do you love your husband?” grandma asked.
This time my answer was no. She continued.
“You have love for him. It's only natural but let me tell you what you fell in love with. You fell in love with his money. You see, we, women, try to find other reasons to cover up our true desires but they have always been and always will be the same. We want stability. We want to know that we will be taken care of.
You left home, why? For a better life. A wealthier life.
For the love of money. You got married for the same reasons.
He was your safe haven. Your escape. Your check with a whole lot of zeros at the end of it. He was presenting you with the very thing you had always wanted.
That's how the devil works. He feeds and plays off of your desires, but now you see, everything that glitters ain’t gold is it? What you will learn with age is that nothing is ever truly what it appears to be. Good or bad, something is always hidden.
You have a rich man, who seemed to have it all together but
In reality he has more issues than you bargained for. But he had the money. But the other man, that you turned down because he wasn't being chased by dollar signs, would have probably been the best husband any woman could have asked for. That's just always how it is. And I've always tried to teach you, all of you, that everything you do, everything you say, something will always follow. Life is full of surprises, and just like with almost every surprise, there's always little to no time to prepare, so you have to be ready.
Stay ready. And for some reason, a woman's biggest problems always seem to come behind a man. As you all have been taught, every woman has a price.
Whether it is for fortune or fame, glory or recognition, there are things that a woman will do that are way out of character just to have things rule in her favor, so she thinks anyway.
There's things she will put up with that she shouldn't have to just for comfort, stability, and so much more.
But why do we always have to be the one paying the price?
Why are we always the one ones to end up looking like the fools? Why do we allow this to happen to us?
We know the answers; we know the solutions, so why do we continue to come out on the bottom?
I know why. It's our nature.
Women were made to be the helpmate, but at what cost?
We were designed to be at the man's side, to be his motivation, to be everything he needed us to be and more, but we settle for whatever they want us to be. But we have minds of our own. We have the same exact blood running through our veins just as a man does. Stop paying the price for something you didn’t purchase. And if you did buy it, with every purchase comes what? A receipt. Take it back, start over, and pick something else.
Just stop going through the unnecessary. Life is too short to be unhappy, and that’s for women, men, and whoever else.
Everyone deserves to spend every single day on this earth, happy. They deserve it. They just have to see that for themselves.”
Grandma finished her statement and got up from the table. Mama got up to follow her and my sisters moved in close to comfort me.
Although I was crying, we all were crying, I knew now, more than ever, what I had to do.
I had come seeking answers and I had found them.
~**************~
~ * Take your life back and be happy. Enough said. *~
~*Anonymous
*Chapter Ten*
Three. Two. One. Happy New Year!
This was a new year. A new time and I was ready for new beginnings.
Marcus called as soon as the clock struck twelve.
“Happy new year baby.”
“Happy new year.” the excitement in my voice just seconds earlier, left instantly.
I had made up my mind that no matter what he said or what he did, I was divorcing him. Period, point blank.
“Marcus we need to talk when I get back.”
“About what Kasey?”
“You’ll see when I get home. Where’s the baby?”
“She is with my mom. What do we have to talk about Kasey?”
“Marcus, just wait until I get home, okay?”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Yea, me too.” I hung up. I refused to say the words.
Especially since now I knew that I didn’t mean them.
I did have love for him, but whatever I felt for him was gone.
I wanted out and I was getting out.
I was going to file for a divorce as soon as I returned to California. I was prepared to lose everything but I was okay with that. I had even decided that I was going to come back home to Chickasaw, Alabama, and raise my daughter around my family.
My mama was still holding on to around $500,000 that I had sent her over the last few months and that would just have to do.
As long as I was out, I didn’t care how rich or poor I was anymore.
Walking from my sisters back to my mama's house, which was only down the street, I thought about the times when we were younger.
How we were so poor but yet we acted as if we didn’t have a care in the world.
I imagined my daughter laughing, running and playing with her cousins. I guessed I truly had to get out and see for myself that I had had everything I ever needed right here at home.
Of course, I didn’t want to live a life of struggle, no one did, but I knew now that money just wasn't everything.
But better things and better times were coming and I just couldn’t wait.
“Kasey, is that you?”
I looked back at the man behind the voice.
It was Tony...my ex-fiancée. He was still as country fine as he had been back in the day. I hadn't seen him in years but for some reason his presence hit me in the face like a breath of fresh air.
“Hey, Tony. How are you?” I embraced him and allowed him to do the same.
“I’m good. Girl, where is your coat? That little jacket can't possibly be keeping you warm.”
He was right but it was the only one I had brought with me and I hadn’t had time to get out and go buy me one.
“I know, I live in California now, so this is the only one I had.” I smiled.
He opened up his thick, big winter coat and invited me in.
“Come on, for old times’ sake.”
My body was freezing, and before my mind and my body could agree, I was already in his arms, back up against his chest.
I felt so small up against him. I always had. He was like 6'7'' and well over two hundred pounds. In his arms, I found warmth, memories.
“So, how you been?” he
asked after a while.
“Good, I guess. I'm about to be going through a divorce.”
“You got married?”
“Just over a year ago.”
“And you’re divorcing already?”
“Yes, apparently his mama failed to teach him how to keep his hands to himself.
“He hits you?” he asked. I could hear it in his voice that he had become upset. I could even feel the sudden tension in his body.
Aw, he was still over protective of me. Cute.
“ Yes.” was all I said. I really didn't feel like talking about Marcus.
“Did you ever get married?”
“No.” he said.
“Why not?”
“ Because none of them were you.”
Those words stung like a thousand bees. I felt bad for walking out on him just a few months before the wedding.
At the time, I just felt he didn't give me what I needed. But that was then, what about now?
Maybe now he was the perfect man for me. I just wished I had seen his potential back then.
We continued to talk and walk. Past mama's house and for the next hour in the freezing cold. I actually found myself enjoying his company. He was making me laugh which had been something that was so hard for him to do in the past.
I guess everything does happen for a reason and always at the right time.
~***~
“Yes, I'm sure.”
That was my answer to Tony as he placed himself inside of me.
Okay, this was wrong on so many different levels. I mean, I was still married and furthermore I hadn't seen this man in years. I didn't know who he had been with or where he or his wood had been. But at the time, I just wanted to feel loved. I just wanted him to make love to me. And that's exactly what he did.
My phone ranged over and over all night but I didn't answer it.
Of course, it was Marcus and I was sure he didn't want anything more than to give me a hard time. The next morning, I was awakened by him calling again. Still lying in bed beside Tony, I answered.
“Hello?”
What he told me had me out of bed, on a plane and on my way back to California within the next hour. God, please don't take my baby from me. I prayed the whole way.
~*************~
~* Some thing’s are meant to be understood. Other's are not. But understand that when those things come your way, they are meant to remind you of something you have forgotten or to show you something new.*~
~* Anonymous
* Chapter Eleven*
I stared at Marcus, in disbelief and anger. I couldn't believe the lie he had told. He had actually told me that something was wrong with our daughter just to get me back home.
I wasn’t scheduled to leave Alabama for two more days.
When I finally picked up the phone that morning, Marcus told me that something was wrong with Kimbrella and that he was taking her to the hospital. With no hesitation, I caught the first flight back to California. I had never been so scared in my entire life.
When I landed, I went straight to the hospital closest to our home, but when I got there, they weren't there. Nor had they been there.
I called him over and over again but he wasn't answering my calls. In a panic, the only thing I could do was go home and wait for him. But when I walked in the house, there he was, sitting on the floor... playing with the baby.
She was laughing and seemed to be just fine
“What was wrong with her?”
I dropped my bags and ran to her. She got excited at the sight of me and continued with her smiles.
“Nothing.” he said bluntly
“Nothing, what the hell do you mean nothing? You said you were taking her to the hospital. What, you laid?”
“Yes” he said and got up to look at his ringing phone, but didn't answer it.
“What? Why would you lie about something like that? You almost gave me a heart attack? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I was furious. Who lies about something like that?
“You said you had something to talk about. Talk.” he said, still looking at his constantly ringing phone.
“What? You lied so we could talk? Didn't I tell you, we would talk when I got back?”
“You are back.” he said.
I was speechless. I didn't know quite what to say. All I knew was that he was a lunatic and he needed to get his life in order.
Something was truly wrong with this man.
“Talk.” he demanded.
“Well, if you must know, I'm going to file for a divorce in the morning. You can have it all. I just can’t live like this anymore. I tried, but this just isn’t for me. I just want out. A divorce. Nothing else.” I said. Picking up my daughter.
Hopefully by holding her, he wouldn't try to hit me...wrong.
He punched me right in my face.
“I will kill you before I let you divorce me, you got that.” he said and I knew he meant it.
I looked at him. I had heard his threat, loud and clear, but I didn't care. I was going to file the papers anyway. I was definitely going to call his bluff on that one.
We were in a stare off, when his phone began to ring...again.
That had to be maybe the tenth time, but for some reason he wasn't answering it.
Still pissed off and being that I had laid my daughter safely on the couch, I sat watching him; I was ready for his ass this time, if he swung on me again.
“Who is that, your little girlfriend? Answer it and make sure you tell her that soon you'll be a free man”
I stood up. Just in case he wanted to rumble. I paid no attention to the blood gushing from my nose and down my shirt, he had my complete focus.
“You heard what I said Kasey.” And with that he picked up his phone and walked away.
Well...I never made it to do the divorce papers the next morning.
~***~
Two weeks had pass and I was still a prisoner in my own home. Literally.
Marcus followed my every move and would not let me out of his sight. He would not let me leave the house without him. He had even taken my phone.
Although he had me trapped, he wasn’t really bothering me nor had he hit me since that night I came home, but still he couldn't make me stay with him if I didn't want to.
Marcus had been acting really weird lately. He was being more than strange...especially when it came to his phone. I couldn't help but wonder who kept calling him.
All and all, he had really been trying to convince me that he loved me. He was always apologizing and saying that he wanted us to work but it was just too late.
One particular day, I wasn't feeling my best. I was light headed and he agreed to take the baby off my hands for a while. I must have been sleep for a while when I was awaken by his ringing phone. I searched for the noise and when I found the phone in his pants pocket, I saw that it was a local number, but it wasn’t saved in his phone. The caller hung up and when they started to call again, I decided to answer his phone.
“ Hel--”
He smacked the phone from my hands. Picked it up and hung up the phone.
“Why did you answer my phone?”
“Who was that? And why are you avoiding them? They have been calling like crazy the last few weeks, what's the problem?”
“There isn't a problem. Don't answer my phone.”
“Whatever Marcus.”
I rolled my eyes. He was definitely hiding something. I really didn't care what it was, but it was just kind of strange because whatever it was had really caused his behavior to change. It was almost as if he was scared or nervous about something. Maybe somebody was pregnant or something. Who knows with him.
I brushed the whole ordeal off and lay back down to rest.
~***~
The next few weeks were definitely different. Things had been going so well that I hadn't even gone to do the divorce papers. Not that I wanted to stay married but I think I was enjoying not having to fight
him and I knew the moment I brought those papers home, it was going to be on.
Other than that, he had been on his best behavior. It was almost shocking how much he had changed. I mean even when we would have disagreements he seemed to walk away and not let his anger get the best of him. Things had been really, really good.
I almost had to remind myself that I just didn't love him.
It was somewhat hard because he had really had a change of heart.
He had been so helpful, especially because for whatever reason I hadn't been feeling my best.
Once we left the doctors, Marcus had suggested that we go to have lunch. Since I had to wait on my blood work, I figured it was time for us to talk anyway.
“So, how you feeling?”
“I’m ok. I guess.”
I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had taken a pregnancy test. That wasn't it. All three of them were negative so I just didn't know what it could be. I didn't know why I had been so sick.
Thinking back to my night with Tony, I would kill him if he had given me something that I couldn't get rid of. Hell, I would kill him if he had given me anything at all. If you know you got a dirty dick, please keep it to yourself. That's like the first rule in the 'Let's be STD free' handbook.
“Well, I was thinking. Let's move.”
Marcus shocked me with his suggestion.
Number one, he had been born and raised in California. It was his home. I couldn't imagine him living anywhere else. And number two, I was really planning to divorce him. I know things had been better and I could see his changes but I had made up my mind. And it was time that I let him know that.
“Marcus, you know I love you.”
He stared at me... I could tell by his facial expression that he was going to flip out but we were in public so I thought this was a good a place as any to get everything off of my chest.
“I really do, but I was serious. I want a divorce. I am filing for a divorce.” I said.
Okay.”
Okay? Is that all he was going to say? No, that was too easy.
“Okay?”
“Yes okay.”