“If you can’t be daft now, when can you? What’s your idea?”
“Dad’s flat – it’s empty at the moment. You know how Rick, Lucy’s brother, has the tenancy – well, he’s away just now. He’s not due back for several weeks. I phoned Lucy earlier and told her what I was thinking. I asked her if she’d contact Rick to see if it would be okay. She said I should go ahead and she’d let him know. She was sure he wouldn’t mind.”
“Mind what exactly?”
“If I moved in, temporarily - to the flat - while he’s away. But I haven’t really thought this through. What about the children? Who’ll look after them? I shouldn’t even think about deserting them should I – especially Max?”
“As I said, I think you need some time out. I think it’s a good idea. As for the children, three out of the four of them are well able to look after themselves. And have you forgotten you have an experienced mother’s help living with you? Get Sam on board. She was saying, in her text earlier, that’s she’s sick of working at the supermarket and she’s going to hand in her notice. You’ve got Ruby too, to help with the chores. Yes, Max will need looking after – but I can help with that. There’s only a month of school left. He can have sleepovers with you in the holidays. And there’s Tom. They’re his children too.”
“Do you think Sam would do it? I can’t see her being willing to take on the role of housekeeper.”
“Ask her.”
“And what about Tom? He’s got his work.”
“Yes, and he’s fortunate he gets to concentrate only on his work. It won’t do him any harm to do a bit of juggling. He has responsibilities at home as well.”
“But how do I tell the children I’m abandoning them because I need some space?”
“You’re not abandoning them. You’re only going to Edinburgh, for goodness sake. They can visit you. You’re exhausted and finding out about Robbie has been a shock. You’re simply taking some time out. Trust them, Rosie. Trust them to cope without you. And when you’re ready, trust them – Tom and the children - to cope with knowing you’re ill.”
“And what do I say to Tom in the meantime? He’ll think I’m leaving him, but I’m not. At least I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing.”
“Then that’s what you tell him. Tell him you don’t know how you feel. That’s the point of you going away – to have time and space to think, away from him.”
“And you, you’d be all right with that – me leaving your son?”
“It’s not about me or what I think, but I believe it’s only by leaving now and doing what you have to do, that there’s any chance of putting things right between you. Tom needs to see he can trust you to make your own decisions and that you can cope perfectly well on your own.”
“So I should go ahead – move out?”
“It makes sense and you’ll be nearer the hospital for your post-operative treatments.”
“Well, there is that – but that’s a minor reason really – although I remember how grim it was for my mother after some of her chemotherapy sessions – at least I can spare the children from witnessing that sort of stuff.”
“Rosie, if you stay at home it will be very difficult for you and Tom to resolve any of this. At best, there’ll be a strained atmosphere – tension about Robbie, about your illness. At worst you’ll be using precious energy quarrelling with Tom, hurting each other more. No, I’m sure you’re doing the right thing.”
The phone rang. Evelyn excused herself and went to answer it. I thought over all that we’d said. I felt better, and marvelled again at what a wonder my mother-in-law was.
She came back into the room. “That was Tom. He’d picked up my text and wanted an explanation. He also asked when I’d got the mobile phone.”
“Yes, I was wondering that too,” I said, smiling at her.
“I got it a couple of weeks ago. Max put all your numbers into it for me when I was last over at yours. And he showed me how to use it. I’ve been sending practice texts to Max and he’s been replying. I think I’m getting the hang of it now. It’s cool, apparently, that I have a mobile and it’s well-wicked that I can use it –according to Max. At least, I think that’s what he said, and I think he meant it as a compliment.”
“Oh, there’s no higher praise than to be judged both cool and wicked by Max.” I smiled at the thought of the conversation between grandparent and child. “And what did you tell Tom?”
“Don’t worry. I just said you’d come over for tea and I could see you were exhausted, so I’d invited you to stay the night.”
“Did he mention Robbie to you?”
“No, even if he suspects you’ve already told me, I don’t expect he’s ready to talk.”
“And he accepted what you said?”
“He seemed to. He’s going home now anyway.”
“I’ve invited Robbie to come over for dinner tomorrow,” I said, realising I wanted Evelyn to approve. “I want to let him know he’s welcome – at least as far as Max and the girls and me are concerned.”
Evelyn nodded. “Of course you need to get to know Robbie. Adam will come round. He’ll make sense of it all in his own way. But I think you should prepare him before Robbie comes to dinner– share your plans with him – make your peace. Don’t be too hard on him if he’s not ready to accept Robbie yet.”
“Yes, I know I need to talk to him. I just hope he understands.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to get to know Robbie. In fact, don’t feel guilty about any of it. It’s time to put yourself first.”
With that, Evelyn said she was going to prepare some dinner for us. She suggested I go out to the garden. So I went to sit on the bench by the rose bed. My mobile beeped in my pocket. It was a text from Robbie accepting my invitation. I was pleased, but at the same time there was a dull ache of apprehension in my stomach. I was aware I still had to tell Tom and the children that I’d asked Robbie to come. But in spite of that nudging dread and, after talking to Evelyn, I was now even more convinced I was doing the right thing – at least for me –and, I hoped, for Robbie.
I turned my face up to the late afternoon sun and my apprehension lessened. And, as I sat there in Evelyn’s glorious garden, I even felt a small surge of wellbeing and confidence. I dared to hope that things would work out.
Dinner was wonderful. There was a delicious homemade quiche and a perfectly dressed green salad accompanied by a glass of crisply dry, white wine. Afterwards I had a long, hot bath. And then, as I settled down to sleep in Evelyn’s spare bed, between soft, white, Egyptian cotton sheets and wearing a pair of her beautiful, grey, silk pyjamas, I had a moment of doubt. My earlier resolve and optimism wavered. I wondered again if I should postpone seeing Robbie, or perhaps stay at Evelyn’s for a few days and see him at Holdfast. But I didn’t – couldn’t –give in to my misgivings. I couldn’t stumble at the first hurdle. I knew what I was contemplating was going to be painful, but my survival was at stake. I was fighting for my life.
Chapter Twelve
I left Evelyn’s at around ten the next morning and decided to go and see Ruby on my way home. I wanted to tell her face to face what I planned to do. When I arrived she ushered me into her very pink front room. Four of her grandchildren were watching television, still in their pyjamas. There were toys and breakfast plates and glasses all over the floor. Ruby chased the children out.
She ignored their protests and followed them into the hall. “Go upstairs and get dressed. Granddad’s going to take you home.”
I could hear the children clumping up the stairs.
“Sorry about them,” Ruby said as she came back into the room. “I had Gail’s kids overnight. He’s waiting to take them home.” She gestured vaguely towards the back of the house – where I assumed her husband must be.
I apologised for disturbing her Saturday. She shook her head and dismissed my apologies as unnecessary. I refused her offer of tea.
“So what is it, Rosie? What brings you here?” she
said kindly, as she settled back in her large pink armchair.
I’d intended to keep it brief. I’d intended to tell her calmly that I was ill, that I was going away for treatment and to ask her to do some extra hours. But I found that, as with Evelyn, the whole story came spilling out. While I talked, Ruby came to sit beside me. She put her hand on mine. I gripped it. “I hope you don’t think I’m being selfish and I hope you’ll be able to help.”
“Don’t be daft, lassie!” Ruby replied. “You’re not selfish enough – that’s your trouble. I told you the other day you do too much for them all. I knew you weren’t well. I said, didn’t I? I said you were looking pale.”
“Yes, you did. So will you keep an eye on things for me – at the house – keep an eye on Max especially?”
“Of course I will. And Max can come over here, as usual in the holidays, when Neil’s staying.”
“You’re a saint – I don’t know how you do it all – your jobs, the grandchildren…”
“Oh, I’m no saint,” Ruby said, “But I do have St Anne and St Monica to help me.” She got up and went over to a recessed glass shelf in the corner of the room. On it were two china statues, along with some candles and several rosaries. She picked up the statues. “These are my ladies, my helpers – this is St Anne, patron saint of mothers and this is St Monica, she looks out for married women. They get me through – never let me down. He gave me St Monica actually – after I ran away from home.” She turned to replace them on the shelf.
For a minute I thought she meant that God had given St Monica to her, but then I realised she meant her husband. My bemusement must have shown on my face.
“No, not Him – him – Ray.” It was the first time I’d heard her say her husband’s name.
“Oh, right – Ray,” I said, “and what do you mean - when you ran away?”
“It was years ago, before I knew you.” Ruby laughed. “I left them - him and the bairns - went to my sister’s. I’d had enough – doing everything for everybody – six teenagers and him. So, one morning, I decided that was it. I packed a bag, left a note and went.”
“Ruby!” I was aghast. Ruby, who seemed so sorted, so grounded, so family orientated, had walked out, just like that.
“I know – but it was the making of them and it saved my marriage. They all had to get on and manage without me.”
“How long were you away for? What made you come back?”
“Oh, I was away about a month - and I always intended to come back – I’m a good Catholic girl and I believe in the vows I made when we got married. But that doesn’t mean I’d sit back and be taken advantage of. He came after me – brought St Monica with him – said he couldn’t cope without me – came out with all that romantic stuff that made me fall for him in the first place – daft, sweet- talking, Irish bugger. Anyway, it made us stronger as a couple – me going away, and it didn’t do the kids any harm either. And, if I’m honest, I missed them all like crazy. I drove my sister mad going on about how great they all were. I was about to give in and come home when he showed up! Of course, I didn’t tell him that.”
“Oh, Ruby,” I laughed. “You’re a tonic – you really are.”
“It’s good to see you laughing, lass,” Ruby said smiling. She came back and sat down and took my hand in hers, her smile gone. “I’m so sorry – about the cancer and about Tom and this lad – Robbie – was it?”
“Yes, Robbie.” I sighed.
“Come here, hen,” Ruby said. As she embraced me I thought for a moment of my mother. “You go and get better,” she continued. “I’ll do whatever I can to make sure the family are okay– but they’ll have to do their bit too – I’ll see to that.”
“Thanks, Ruby, thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You saved me seventeen years ago and you’re doing it again now.” I wiped away some escaped, rogue tears.
“No, hen - I did some cleaning and tidying up – you saved yourself. You’re strong, like me, but sometimes, even us strong ones need a break. So stop feeling guilty.” Ruby had tears in her eyes too.
“You will come and see me at the flat - won’t you?” I said.
“Just try and stop me!”
When I got home, Toby was in his bed in the hall, snoozing. He got up to greet me. His coat was damp and smelled of the sea. “You been swimming Tobes?” I said, as I patted him. I guessed he’d been out with Tom on the beach run. I went through to the kitchen. Tom was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper. He was in his running gear. The front of his tee shirt was damp. I could smell his maleness and could see the sheen of sweat on his skin. Part of me wanted to walk over to him and put my arms around him. With hindsight, maybe that’s what I should’ve done. But at the time …
“You’re back then,” he said. He didn’t look at me.
“Yes, I’m back.” I picked up the percolator and poured myself a cup. I sat down opposite him. He continued reading his paper. I sipped my drink. I could hear the wall clock ticking - like a bomb about to go off.
Then Tom spoke, without looking up. “I was surprised to hear from Ma yesterday. She said you were too tired to come home and that I couldn’t speak to you.” He finally looked directly at me. “Are you ill?”
I hesitated for a heartbeat and thought ‘He knows’. But, in the same moment, I told myself that was impossible. “I’m okay – as Evelyn said, just a bit tired. Where are the kids?”
“Adam’s up in his room. Sam and Jen are both on early shift at the shop. Max is out playing with Neil and Connor. He’s having some lunch at Connor’s and then Connor’s dad’s taking them to the cinema this afternoon. He’ll be back about five he thinks.” Tom’s face was expressionless and his voice was flat. “We need to talk,” he said.
“Yes, we do.”
“I’m sorry, you know, for not telling you sooner – about Robbie.”
I nodded my head in acknowledgement of the apology. I knew he was waiting for me to apologise to him. “Look Tom, I know you just want everything back the way it was.”
“Yes, I do. Isn’t that what you want too?”
“It’s not a case of wanting it or not, Tom. It’s happened. Robbie is a fact. Your deception is a fact. Your motives for the deception – I don’t know what to think, what to believe.”
“I -”
“No, Tom, let me speak. I need to tell you what I’ve decided to do.”
“What do you mean, what you’ve decided? Is that why you went to Ma’s? You went to get her advice, told her all about it. I bet she’s on your side too.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Tom, your mother doesn’t take sides. She listened to me. She didn’t pass judgement.”
Tom shrugged. “If you say so. Anyway, what’s this decision you’ve reached?”
“First of all, I want to make Robbie welcome, to get to know him and to include him as one of the family. I’ve invited him to come to dinner this evening.”
“Oh you have, have you? Well don’t expect me to welcome him. Don’t expect me to be here for dinner and to play at happy families.” Tom pushed his chair back and stood up. He leaned over the table so his face was level with mine. “He’s not one of the family. He has his own family – the Sutherlands are his family – not us!”
“Stop shouting, I get the message.” I got up from the table and began to clear the coffee things away. “You’re not going to have dinner with us this evening, fine. Although it’s a shame you won’t be here - as it’ll be the last family dinner for a while.”
“What do you mean the last, what do you mean?” Tom looked scared.
“I mean I’m moving out. I’m moving out tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Dad’s for a while – at the flat.”
“What - why, how can you? What about Rick? Rosie, what are you talking about?”
“Rick is away for a few weeks. Lucy doesn’t think he’ll have a problem with it. And Evelyn thinks it’s a good idea.”
“Ma, Lucy – you’ve discussed this with
them? Before you told me?” Tom ran a hand through his hair and shook his head at me.
“Yes, I have. And I know - it’s not nice being the last to know something is it?”
Tom looked grim. “Is this some kind of revenge? Is that it?” His voice was quiet.
“No, Tom, no it’s not. It’s about me and what I need to do. I’m tired, run down and with the shock of finding out about Robbie and – everything - I need some space, some time to myself.”
Tom put his head in his hands. Again I was aware of the clock ticking. Then Tom asked how he’d manage without me. He asked how the kids would manage. I told him I thought they’d all manage just fine. He begged me to reconsider. I said I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. He said I was a selfish bitch. I told him I’d learned selfishness from the master – him. Then he pushed his chair back and walked out. He left the house, clattering the door behind him.
I was trembling as the adrenalin, anger and fear subsided. Tom and I didn’t really do shouting or raw emotion. I think it was something that scared us both. We’d always been so civilised. I wondered where he would go – dressed only in his running gear and in great need of a shower.
I heard the floorboards creaking above me. The sound reminded me there was another difficult conversation I needed to have. I went upstairs. Adam’s door was closed. I heard music playing inside. I took a deep breath and knocked loudly.
“What?” Adam didn’t sound pleased to be interrupted.
I went in. “Hi, son.”
“Oh, it’s you. I didn’t know you were home.” He was lying on his back on top of the bed. His blind was closed as usual and the only light in his black and white room came from his tropical fish tank. He continued to look at the ceiling.
“Yes, I’m back - obviously.” I felt awkward. I perched at the end of the bed. “I’m so sorry, Adam. I’m sorry I hit you. I’ve never hit any of you. I don’t know what came over me. It’s no excuse, but Heather was my sister and I couldn’t bear to hear you talk like that about her. She was more than a pathetic junkie.” I paused, hoping he’d at least look at me. He didn’t. “And I’m sorry I lost it in the kitchen and that you had to find me like that. I’d had an awful day and seeing the mess in the kitchen - I just... Please forgive me.” I put my hand on his ankle.
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