He propped himself up on one elbow and looked at me at last. “No - you shouldn’t have hit me. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that about your sister. It was just - I hate it when things change.”
“I know you do. Robbie appearing was a shock for us all – and it does mean a bit of change and adjustment. But it’s a good sort of a change really, isn’t it – a new cousin? And Robbie seems nice, don’t you think?”
Adam shrugged. “He’s not going to be around much, is he? And Dad doesn’t seem that happy about him.”
“Dad’ll get over it. He got a shock too. And I hope Robbie will be around a fair bit. I need – I want to get to know Heather’s son. He’s part of this family.”
“Don’t think I’m going to be happy about it, because I’m not. I just want things to go back to normal, and for you and Dad to be friends again, and for Robbie to go away.”
This was not going to be easy. “Adam, I’ve invited Robbie to come for dinner this evening and I hope you’ll be there. It’ll be easier for you than the other night. Please, give Robbie a chance.”
“No, no. I’m working from five anyway - but even if I wasn’t working, I wouldn’t want to be there. I’d be pretending – pretending to like him, pretending I cared. Anyway, what does Dad think about Robbie coming? Is he going to be there?”
“Well, no, he isn’t actually. He can’t make it either.”
Adam gave a small, disparaging laugh. “Right.”
“And there’s something else, Adam.”
“What?”
“I’m going to stay in Granddad’s flat for a wee while.”
“Why? What do you mean? How long for? Isn’t there somebody staying there already?”
“Yes – Lucy’s brother is renting it, but he’s away at the moment. I’ve not been feeling too good recently. I’m a bit tired and run down. It’ll only be for a few weeks. I’ve taken time off work and I need a bit of a rest – a break from everything.”
“You can have a break here. We can all help you. Or is it us you want to get away from? Is it me?”
“No, Adam, it’s not you. Of course it’s not you – not any of you. It’s me. I need some space. Grandma and Ruby have said they’ll help out here and I’m going to ask Sam to help too, like she did for Uncle Michael when she was in Australia. And there’s Dad, of course.” I tried to sound positive and upbeat.
But Adam didn’t look reassured. “What does Dad think? Does he want you to go?”
“No, he doesn’t want me to go. But he understands - I think.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Look, you can visit me – drop in after school, have something to eat. It’s really not a big deal, Adam.”
“It is to me.” He put his music back on and I could see there was no point in trying to say any more.
I returned to the kitchen, unsure what to do with myself. Then, with her unerring sense of timing, Lucy phoned. She asked if I’d like to come over to hers for lunch. She said she’d asked Kirsty and that she was already on her way.
Chapter Thirteen
It didn’t take long to drive the few miles along the coast to Lucy’s place near the village of Aberlady. We had lunch at Lucy’s garden table. The spell of warm weather was forecast to end with thunderstorms by the evening, so we wanted to make the most of the sun while it shone. It was good to be in the fresh air, tucking into a delicious pasta salad with my two dear friends for company. I could almost believe that the events of the last few days hadn’t happened and, for a little while, the three of us maintained the fragile illusion.
Kirsty chatted about school and Lucy told us how her husband Graham was fretting over the low price their lambs were fetching.
“But you know farming.” Lucy stretched out her arm to indicate the spread of fields, beyond the farmhouse garden, that made up their mixed arable and livestock farm. “It’s one damn crisis after another. We got through BSE and foot and mouth - and I suppose we’ll get through this falling price thing too.”
“Of course you will –you two are a strong team,” Kirsty replied. “I don’t know how you run all this with so little help. I suppose it’s a labour of love.”
“I suppose.” Lucy shrugged. “It’s far from idyllic, but I don’t know what else I’d do, especially now both the boys are away.”
“They’ll be home soon for the summer, won’t they?” I asked. Both Lucy’s sons were at St Andrews University.
“Yes, I can’t wait, and not just because they’ll be around to help out - although that’ll be handy. Graham and I are hoping to leave the boys in charge and get a few days away to celebrate our thirtieth wedding anniversary.”
“Good heavens,” Kirsty said. “You two going away together! That’s a rare event. Where will you go?”
“I don’t actually know. Graham’s organising it. He says it’s a surprise.” Lucy smiled and flushed slightly.
“Oh look at you –blushing –after all this time. How romantic of you – and Graham!” Kirsty fluttered her eyelashes and sighed.
“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy answered. “You’re just jealous!”
Kirsty looked serious for a moment. “Yes, I think I am jealous. I’ve had enough of being on my own. It would be nice to have someone to share everything with – the good and the bad – like you and Rosie have.” Lucy shifted awkwardly and gave Kirsty a look. Kirsty then looked very uncomfortable. “Shit, I’m sorry, Rosie. That was tactless.”
“No, no, don’t be sorry.” I reached over and touched both of them on the arm. “I don’t want either of you thinking you’ve got to watch what you say around me. And you’re right, until quite recently I’d have said Tom and I had a good enough partnership.”
“But not lately, not now?” Lucy glanced at Kirsty as she spoke. I shook my head and shrugged. Kirsty looked back at Lucy.
“What is it?” I said. “If there’s something you want to say – please say it.” They looked at each other again.
It was Kirsty who answered. “I, that is we, Lucy and I, - we think you shouldn’t delay telling Tom about the cancer – and the kids - you must tell them. We understand how upset you are about the Robbie thing - and there’s no question that Tom could have handled that better. But no matter what you think he’s guilty of – you’re going to need his support – you know – while you’re ill.”
“And what if you’re wrong about Tom – about him being Robbie’s father?” Lucy leaned over and took my hand. “Maybe all he’s guilty of is being a bit misguided, a bit over-protective – is that so awful? If you don’t tell him about the cancer, aren’t you just as guilty of deception?”
Before I could answer, Kirsty spoke. “You can’t keep it a secret once your treatment starts – that’s for sure.”
It was now Lucy and I who exchanged glances. “Ah, well, yes you’re right about it not being an easy secret to keep – at least, not if I was living at home.” I told Kirsty about my decision to go to the flat.
“You really want to do this your way, don’t you?” Kirsty said when I’d finished.
“Yes, I do. I’ll tell Tom and the children – of course I will – but not till I’m ready. I’ll have the surgery on Tuesday-”
Lucy gasped. “That soon!”
“Yes, that soon. I’m glad to be getting on with it, to be honest. Then I’ll take things from there. I don’t want Tom wading in and taking control – and that would have been the case, even without all the Robbie stuff. And as for the kids – I want to have all the facts ready. I want them to see I’m okay with it all and I’m not yet. And, in the meantime, I’m not alone. I’ve got Evelyn and Ruby – and you two, I hope.”
“Of course,” Lucy said. “And what about you and Tom, as a couple?”
“Well, as for my marriage – my relationship with Tom – I don’t know. I hope I’m wrong about him being unfaithful – but either way – I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore.” I was surprised to hear myself saying this. I hadn’t realised I actually doubted my long term fu
ture with Tom. “It’s not only about Robbie and the cancer. Recently, I’ve realised - oh, I don’t know – things haven’t been right for a while. Nothing major – not like recent events – just a gradual slide. I think our relationship’s been dying of neglect for quite some time.” I looked at my friends’ bewildered faces. “Oh, look, can we talk about something else – please? Let’s leave my sorry life for a while. Can I get us all some coffee?” I made my escape to the kitchen and left the other two to digest what I’d told them.
When I returned, it was Kirsty who moved the conversation into different territory. “So, what’s Rick working on up in Skye?” she asked Lucy, while I poured the coffee.
“It’s mainly photos - promotional material for a sound and light show that’s on later in the year, on some mountain side,” Lucy said.
“Oh yes, it’s on the Storr. I heard about it,” Kirsty replied.
“But I think he’s doing other general stuff for his portfolio of wildlife and wilderness shots,” Lucy continued. “And, of course, he’ll be fitting in some walking and cycling too.”
“He’s not changed then. Still the action man he was at uni.” Kirsty laughed. “I envy him being up in Skye and all the good walking he’ll be able to do. I don’t get home nearly enough. I’m planning to go up in the summer holidays – I really need to sort out Mum’s house.” Kirsty’s mother had died at the beginning of the year, within a year of Kirsty’s father’s death. “I don’t know if I’d recognise Rick now. Has he changed much?”
“I don’t think he’s changed at all – like we haven’t either – in the last thirty years. What do you think, Rosie? You saw him when he took on the flat?”
“Oh, not changed at all – still that weird mix of laid back and manically intense – still tall, dark and handsome – yes, okay – a few laughter lines here and there - but still a good looking guy.”
“Still fanciable then?” asked Kirsty.
“Oh yeah!” I laughed.
“Oh please – you two! That’s my brother you’re talking about!” Lucy made a face of mock disgust.
“He was a heartbreaker when we were all at university,” said Kirsty. Certainly broke your heart, didn’t he, Rosie?”
“That’s right – he loved me and left me. We were together for – nearly a year, I think it was – my first love.”
“And he’s loved them and left them ever since! He’s never settled down. Probably never will.” Lucy shook her head and smiled.
And so our conversation moved along. Kirsty spoke about her daughter’s plans for university the following year and Lucy told us of the latest exploits of her two sons. They were always in scrapes of one sort or another and calling home for rescue or advice or cash. When it was time to leave they both hugged me and didn’t need to say anything. I knew I could depend on both of them.
My positive mood didn’t last long. There were clouds gathering as I drove home and the atmosphere had become close and stifling. The oppressiveness of the weather matched my state of mind. Dark thoughts now overshadowed the cheering effect of the time spent with my friends. I recalled my earlier dispiriting encounters with Tom and Adam. They’d reacted as I’d feared they would when I told them of my decisions. That was depressing enough, but I was also acutely aware I still had to tell the girls about Robbie coming. In an effort to lessen how demoralised I now felt, I clung to the faint hope that Jenny would understand, would be supportive. But Sam was less predictable. I was also unsure how either of them would be about me moving out. I wasn’t at all certain I’d go through with asking for Sam’s help with the domestic stuff. And then there was Max – what on earth would he make of any of it?
Chapter Fourteen
I got home at around four o’clock. I’d shopped on the way for pizza bases and for vegetables and cooked meats to use as toppings. I also got salad ingredients and some garlic bread. I wanted to keep dinner simple.
Adam was already gone and there was no sign of Tom. He was either still very angry or he was in denial. Either way he hadn’t seen fit to return home to be there for his children when I told them my plans.
Toby greeted me, tail wagging, as he followed me into the living room. The girls were back from work, watching MTV.
“Hey, Mum, how are you doing?” Sam spoke as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened over the last couple of days and continued watching the television.
Jenny was more demonstrative. She jumped up and came to cuddle me. “Mum, you’re home. How are you? Did Grandma get you sorted?”
“Hallo, both of you. Yes, Grandma was a great help, as always. I’m okay, but I do need to talk to you both, and to Max when he gets back.”
“Why? What do you want to talk to us about?” Jenny looked anxious.
“I’ll speak to the three of you together. Don’t look so scared – it’s nothing to worry about. And thank you girls, both of you, for looking after me so well - after all the upset. I’m sorry I sort of lost it a bit. You’ve both been so grown up. Thank you.”
“Oh, Mum, give me another hug,” said Jenny.
“No worries,” said Sam without looking away from the TV. “Give us a shout when the munchkin gets back.”
Max arrived home just before five. He was full of his day out at the cinema and was very chatty. He asked me if I’d had a nice sleepover at Grandma’s and what we’d be having for dinner.
They were all so happy, so normal, and unaware their mother was about to destroy their equilibrium. Telling Tom about my decision had been easy. I had my anger at him to give me the impetus. But telling the children would require much more effort. I didn’t know how I’d gather the momentum to see it through.
Once I had the girls and Max together in the living room, the three of them facing me, in a row on the sofa, I began by telling them Robbie was coming for dinner. I stood with my back to the window, trying not to pace and let my anxiety show. All three seemed happy enough at the prospect of their new cousin coming to eat with us. I’d asked Robbie not to mention my invitation to the girls as I wanted to tell them myself, so I was pleased that it came as a surprise to them. I explained that I wanted to get to know Robbie, even although Tom and Adam weren’t very happy about it. I also said that neither their brother nor their father would be in for dinner.
“Are you very cross with Dad for not telling you your sister had a baby? Is that what’s made you so sad, and why Dad was so angry with Robbie?” Max asked.
“Yes, I am quite cross about Dad keeping it a secret and, yes, I’m sad about it. I think Dad’s maybe angry with himself, more than with Robbie,” I answered. Max may be relaxed and easy going, but he doesn’t miss a thing.
“Will you and Dad make up?” Max looked at the floor as he spoke. Jenny took his hand.
I went over and knelt down in front of him. “Oh, Maxy, I do hope so.
I think we just need a bit of time.” I hugged him tightly for a few moments, and then I kissed the top of his head as I stood up.
I sat down on one of the armchairs, my hands tucked under me to stop me wringing them. I took a deep breath, it was now or never. “And that’s the other thing I wanted to tell you all. I’m going to stay at Granddad’s flat for a few weeks.” This got Sam’s full attention, although she didn’t say anything. Jenny and Max asked similar questions to everyone else about my plans and I tried to offer the same reassurances.
Turning to Sam, I said, “I’m counting on your help.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, if you’re serious about giving up the Tesco job – you could earn a bit of money by helping with things here. I’d need you to be here for Max and to help with housework and cooking and things.”
Sam looked doubtful, to say the least.
“Mum, are you mad? She doesn’t even know where the washing machine is. And as for cooking…” Jenny looked seriously alarmed.
“According to Uncle Michael,” I said, trying to keep my own scepticism hidden, “Sam is quite the professional
housekeeper and childminder.”
“We’ll be able to see you while you’re at Granddad’s won’t we?” Jenny asked.
“Of course you will. It’ll be easy for you and Adam. You can drop in after school. And, Sam, you can bring Max at weekends and it’ll be the summer holidays in a month’s time. I think I’ll go away for a wee holiday for the first week or so, but then you can come and see me whenever you like.” I didn’t really want to go without seeing my children for a whole week, but I was aware I’d be going into hospital soon, and I knew I needed an excuse as to why I wouldn’t be in the flat.
“If that’s what you want, Mum.” Jenny stood up to come to me. I got up to meet her. “But we’ll visit lots,” she said, clinging to me.
I could see she was about to cry. I held her tight. It was desperately hard to remain convinced I’d made a good decision.
“I’ll miss you, Mum.” Max joined our hug. His obvious struggle to be brave brought me the closest I came to abandoning the whole idea.
“Oh, Max, I’ll miss you too.” As I held on to him, I looked up at the ceiling in an effort to contain my tears. “Once it’s the holidays you can come and stay with me at the flat as much as you like. And Grandma will be here to keep an eye on you till school stops – and Dad too, of course.”
I clung, as if to a life raft, to what Evelyn and Ruby had said about my leaving being the right thing to do.
“And when you’ve had a rest, and you’re not cross with Dad anymore, you will come home, won’t you?” Max stepped away. Once again he couldn’t look at me. I wondered if he was subconsciously afraid of what he might see in my face.
I hugged him hard and said, “Of course I will, my darling, of course I will.” But I was not at all sure that this was an honest answer. After I let go of him, Jenny guided him back to the sofa. I was glad to sit down again too.
Change Of Life Page 9