Change Of Life

by Anne Stormont

  “I didn’t know about the theft, but I do remember that Heather broke everyone’s hearts – Rosie’s, Michael’s, her poor parents. What a waste. And she was a talented girl - she could’ve been a successful artist, couldn’t she?

  “Yes, she could have. And I think that when the family cut her off, it shocked her – really got to her.”

  “And you kept an eye on her. Even after all she’d done. That was an incredibly good thing to do.”

  “Not really, Ma. Heather was Rosie’s other half – more than a sister – a soul mate - and Rosie was grieving for her – even before Heather died. And I could remember Heather before the drugs took hold – when we were all students. She was as lovely as Rosie. I wanted to help her, but I really didn’t know how. I actually asked Dan for some advice at the time.”

  “Professional advice, you mean?”

  “Yes, well, having a psychiatrist for a brother – it made sense to at least ask. He went with me to see Heather a couple of times.”

  “Did Dan know about Robbie?”

  “No, the visits were before she was pregnant. The first Dan knew about Robbie was last month – like the rest of you.”

  “But Dan couldn’t help Heather with her addiction?”

  “No –not immediately, anyway – maybe some of what he said got through to her – made some sense – I don’t know.”

  “I suppose Heather had to want to help Heather.”

  “Yes – and in the end that’s what she decided to do – to help herself. It was at the beginning of 1987. She had a new GP. She was living in the Muirhouse area by then - where most of the city’s intravenous heroin users were living - but there was also a lot of good work going on in the area to help addicts get clean. So she got herself onto a rehab programme that was funded by a local charity. And, amazingly, she did it, kicked the drugs, got herself sorted out. She’d never be how she was before the heroin, but she looked well and said she felt great. By the time she found out she was pregnant, near the end of that year, she’d been clean for months.”

  “And how did she feel about the pregnancy?”

  “Oh, at first she was thrilled. She had plans for herself and the baby. She had a little flat by then. Her social worker said she would be supervised at first, but that if she stayed clean and showed herself to be a competent mother, she would be able to keep the baby. She asked me to be with her at the birth and I was.”

  My mother raised her eyebrows at this, but didn’t say anything.

  “She called the baby James, after her father – the Sutherlands must have changed his name – anyway she seemed fine – seemed happy to be a mother and to be coping.”

  “So, what changed?”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t speak. I put my face in my hands and took a deep breath. “Let’s just say there was a complication – something she – we - knew was a possibility – and the fear of it destroyed her. She called me after she took the overdose. She said she’d decided that the baby would be better off without her. Of course I rushed to the flat – I got Michael to come with me – told him everything on the way – forced the poor guy to break his promise to Adele – but it felt like the right thing to do. Anyway, we were too late. She was dead when we got there.”

  “Poor girl…”

  “I would never have guessed, before that day, that she’d kill herself. But I knew when she phoned that she meant it. She made sure Robbie was okay and that he’d be found quickly - but not too soon. She didn’t want to be rescued. She loved Robbie. I thought she’d rise above her fears – stick around for his sake. I should’ve made sure we didn’t leave her alone. I should’ve involved Michael sooner. We could’ve done more.”

  “You couldn’t be there all the time. And Rosie was ill - you had to cope with that and your baby twins and a toddler. You’re not to blame, Tom.”

  “Maybe not – but Michael thought we were to blame – me and him. He blamed me for not telling him about the pregnancy and the rest of it. He blamed himself for not staying in touch with her. We fell out over it all. Then he went to Australia and Rosie lost her brother too.”

  “Tom, you were in an impossible situation. You didn’t have to get involved at all, but you did. Besides, you can’t change any of it now. Robbie’s been brought up by good people who love him. He seems to be a good lad from what I’ve heard. And now he’s found Rosie – is it not time to sort it all out – to tell Rosie how it was for Heather at the end, how it was for you?”

  “Yes, but how – how do I do that, Ma? I haven’t exactly been welcoming to Robbie. Rosie is so angry with me – and on top of everything else she thinks I’ve driven Adam away. And – then there’s the cancer too. Where exactly would I start trying to sort it all out? Where would I start, Ma?”

  She put her arms round me. She stroked my back, like when I was a child. “Give it time, son. Give it time,” she said. She sat back but kept her hands on my arms. “Rosie has the cancer to fight and she wants to do it her way. You need to concentrate on the children – all of them – Robbie and Adam included. They’re all going to need you. Ease up on Adam. Make sure he knows he can come back any time. That’s the best way to support Rosie now. Keep the rest of the family together, Tom, and wait for Rosie to come to you when she’s ready.”

  I nodded. “I’m scared, Ma. I’m scared Rosie won’t survive. I’m scared she’ll never forgive me. I’m scared I can’t put things right with Adam – like it was with Dad and me. I just want it all to go away, to go back to normal.”

  “I know son. I know.”

  My mother took my hand in hers. As she did so she glanced away, just for a moment, seeming to consider something.

  “What, Ma? What are you thinking?”

  She gazed into my eyes, as if trying to figure something out. Then she said it.

  “I’m sorry, Tom. I accept you can’t tell me the whole story of what happened, but I have to ask – if I’m going to help you – I need to know…”

  I realised what was coming before she spoke the words. I was already shaking my head as she continued.

  “Are you – that is – is there a possibility that you are – you could be Robbie’s father?

  “No!” I pulled my hand away from hers and stood up. “No, no no!”

  Even though my mother’s tone was far from the accusing one Rosie had used, it hurt just as much that she doubted me.

  I put my hands behind my head, looked up at the ceiling, closed my eyes, breathed deeply. There was a sound – something between a groan and a whimper. I realised it came from me.

  “Tom, are you all right?” My mother looked worried.

  I went back to sit beside her. Now it was my turn to take her hand.

  “Sorry, Ma, I didn’t mean to alarm you. It’s just – it hurts – that you – that Rosie…” The pain and frustration of not being able to prove my innocence was almost intolerable. But the question had to be answered. “There’s no chance - I didn’t sleep with Heather. I’m not Robbie’s father. I’ve never cheated on Rosie. I wouldn’t - I couldn’t, you must know that, Ma.”

  She shook her head, stroked my face. “No, I’m sorry, son. I didn’t know what to think. I shouldn’t have doubted you, but you seemed to be avoiding the subject of Robbie’s paternity – so I did wonder.” She looked stricken and, suddenly, old and tired. I could see what the effort of asking had cost her.

  I embraced her, held her very tight, angry at myself for causing this wonderful, caring woman a moment’s pain. What a guy – first my wife, now my mother.

  “Oh, Ma,” I said. “I wasn’t avoiding the question of who fathered Robbie. It’s just that I don’t know the answer. I don’t think Heather knew – you know what she was – what she did to get money…”

  “Yes, but you said she was clean by the time she was pregnant, so why-”

  “Why still sell herself? I don’t know why - or if. I only know she wouldn’t say who Robbie’s father was and he certainly wasn’t around by the time she told me of
the pregnancy.”

  “And wanting you to be there – at the birth – why you, Tom?

  “I’m not sure – I was a link to Rosie, to her family – I was someone she trusted –the only person she could ask…” I shrugged.

  My mother nodded. She looked pensive, taking it all in.

  I stood up. “I need to get back, Ma. Thanks for listening. You look tired out. I’m sorry.”

  She stood up too. “I’m fine, darling – don’t be sorry.” She had tears in her eyes. “I’m your mother and I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can to help – you know that don’t you?”

  I swallowed hard. “Yes, Ma, I know.”

  A little while later I drove home. I thought about everything my mother had said. Talking it all through with her had helped.

  I could see I needed to back off from Rosie, no matter how much I craved to be with her. No matter how much I wanted to gather her up, bring her home and make her better.

  I could see the children needed me, and would need me even more once they knew how ill their mother was. No matter that I didn’t know how to be there for them.

  I could also see I had to rebuild my relationship with Adam. No matter that I didn’t know where to start.

  I could see I had to accept Robbie. No matter that accepting Robbie meant facing up to my guilt.

  But the hardest realisation was that while the identity of Robbie’s real father remained unknown, I would continue to be the prime suspect as far as Rosie was concerned. My mother believed my denial, but she was my mother. Rosie was a different matter. The way she felt about me, she was going to need proof. I’d need to be much closer to Robbie before I could ask him to take a DNA test – even then I couldn’t imagine how I’d broach the subject. No – unless, by some miracle, his real father came forward, I would probably remain in the frame for some considerable time to come.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  When I got home from my mother’s, Sam and Jenny were in the kitchen. Sam was once again sorting through laundry. Jenny was chopping vegetables. She looked so like Rosie that, for a heart-stopping, breath-robbing moment, I thought it was Rosie.

  “Hi, Dad.” Sam and Jenny spoke together, as I walked in.

  “Hello, you two, how’s things? Is Max back?”

  “Things are okay,” said Sam. Max is watching telly in the front room.”

  “Did you see Adam? Is he coming back?” Jenny asked.

  “I saw him, but he’s not ready to come home. He’s going to stay at Ruby’s for a while. He says he’s not coming back until Mum comes home and Robbie’s gone away.

  “Oh, Dad.” Jenny gave a sob. “I want him home. I miss him so much. I miss Mum. I wish Mum was here. I wish Adam was here.”

  I went to her and put my arms round her. She cried into my chest. I kissed her hair and found I was stroking her, just as my mother had done for me earlier.

  “Oh, Jen,” said Sam. She came over and hugged Jenny’s back. Then Sam looked at me. “How did you get on telling Mum about Adam?”

  Jenny stepped back and looked at me too. “Yes, what did she say?” Sam put an arm round Jenny’s shoulder.

  At this point Max appeared in the kitchen. “Hi, Dad,” he said. He looked at his sisters and then back at me. “What’s wrong with them?” he said.

  “Come and sit down – all of you,” I said. Once we were all seated round the table, I told Max what I’d told the girls about Adam and then I told them that, yes, I’d seen Rosie and told her what was happening.

  “Did Mum say she’d come home to wait for Adam?” Max asked. “Adam would like it if Mum was here when he comes back.”

  Seeing Max being so brave – not saying outright that he wanted Rosie at home for his own sake – it really choked me up. “Mum will speak to you on Saturday, when you go to see her. She’ll explain her plans to you all then,” I replied. “And I’m sure it won’t be long before Adam comes home.”

  “Is Adam coming with us to see Mum?” Jenny asked.

  I took a deep breath before I answered. “Well - no – he isn’t. He doesn’t feel able to see Mum at the moment.” My heart sank as I looked at the children’s faces. It sank even more as I thought that Adam would still have to be told about Rosie’s cancer, especially once the others knew. But that was a bridge I’d think about crossing later.

  I stood up. “Come here, you three,” I said. They came into my outstretched arms and we all hugged for a long moment. As we hugged I promised myself that I was going to do whatever it took to get Adam and Rosie back home – even if that meant simply waiting. In the meantime, my role as a father was going to have to change.

  As we stepped back from each other I said, “Right come on, Maxy – I’ll take you on at Monster Rumble while the girls get the dinner ready.”

  “Cool,” said Max. He’d been asking me for ages to play this new game he had for his PlayStation. I’d always been too busy. Sam and Jenny didn’t actually say anything, but I did hear a gasp from one of them and I know a look was exchanged.

  “We’ll clear up after dinner,” I said over my shoulder, as Max and I left the kitchen. “Come on, Max, run for it!”

  Although I wanted to appear light-hearted to the children, especially for Max’s sake, I’d reached some important decisions. My family was falling apart and doing nothing was not an option.

  Later, while we were eating, Jenny told me she’d invited Robbie round for dinner the next night. She looked at me tentatively, probably unsure how I’d react, probably expecting me to make an excuse not to be there. I was surprised to find I was glad he was coming. Yes, I knew if I was to have any hope of getting Rosie back, I had to accept and get to know Robbie. But it wasn’t just that. In spite of everything that had happened since he’d come into our lives, I wanted to know him better for me and for him. I wanted a relationship with him for its own sake. I further surprised myself by saying I would cook dinner the following evening.

  “Do you know how to cook, Dad?” Max asked, when I blurted out my intention.

  “Yes – of course I do!” I spoke with more conviction than I actually felt. All three children looked sceptical. “I’m not completely useless, you know. I’m going to do more round here from now on. I’ll show you - I’m perfectly capable.”

  “I can manage, Dad,” said Sam. “Ruby and I are keeping on top of things.”

  “I know you are, love. You’re doing a great job but you shouldn’t have to do quite so much. No, Jenny did the dinner this evening – great stir fry – by the way Jen – and Max is helping with Toby’s walks and looking after Adam’s fish – which is good too. The school holidays start at the end of next week so I think we should get a rota going – all pitch in even more – take some of the load off you, Sam.”

  Max looked even more sceptical, but Jenny nodded in agreement.

  “Okay,” said Sam. “I know I wasn’t keen at first, but I haven’t actually minded - and you are paying me.”

  “I know,” I said, “but I want to do more and you’re going off to uni in the autumn.”

  “But surely Mum will back before then, won’t she?” Jenny said anxiously.

  I was acutely aware, of course, that the children didn’t know yet about Rosie being ill and that even if she was home, which I really didn’t dare believe would be the case, she wouldn’t be up to doing all she used to. I tried to sound upbeat.

  “Well, I hope so, of course, but even if she is I want to show her that we – that I - am serious about changing my ways and not letting her get so exhausted in future. So I’ll start by doing dinner tomorrow night. And now Max and I are going to get this lot cleared away – you two can go and relax.”

  “So, has Mum gone away,” Max said, as we stacked the dishwasher, “not just because she’s cross with you about Robbie – but because we’ve all made her too tired? Is she angry with us, with me? And if you have Robbie round for dinner and are nice to him and I do more to help in the house, she’ll come home?”

  I can hardly
describe what it was like to hear Max say those things. I felt sad that he thought any of this mess was down to him and exasperated with myself for not reassuring him sooner. I hugged him to me.

  “Mum didn’t go away because of anything you, or your brother or sisters, did or didn’t do. She loves you and she misses you. She just needs a break, like she said, and yes, she needs me to be nice to be Robbie because she wants him to feel welcome in our family. It’s me, Max – it’s me that needs to be more of a help to Mum and I’m going to be – with you and the girls to help me - I’m going to be. You’ll see her on Saturday and she’ll explain a bit more about why she needs some time away. But I promise you, none of it’s your fault, Maxy.” He hugged me even harder.

  He looked up at me while still holding me tightly. “Are you and Mum going to get a divorce? Ben, at school – his dad left his mum because she was very angry with his dad and told him to get out the house. His mum told Ben none of it was Ben’s fault and they both loved him, but they still got divorced.”

  I was really struggling now. “No, Max, me and Mum are not planning to get a divorce. I love your mum very much. You’re not to worry.” I was trying so hard not to lie to him, but I also wanted to comfort him and to offer him hope. However, I wasn’t at all sure that Rosie was going to come back. I was afraid Max would see this in my face. I pressed him to me. At last I managed to speak. “Now come on, you’ve got to finish beating me at Monster Rumble.”

  Later, after Max and the girls had gone off to bed, I went through to the den. Toby followed me. I poured myself a large malt and paused by my i-pod, which was sitting on its dock on my desk. I selected the Dylan collection – I always found Bob to be the perfect background when I wanted to think. I settled on the sofa with Toby at my feet and, as the music played, I reflected on the day’s events.

  I tried to go with the positives – I was beginning to get my priorities sorted, I was going to get to know Robbie, I was going to be there for my children.