Change Of Life

by Anne Stormont

  I loved our home, but without Rosie and Adam it could be unbearable at times. I missed the thumping base that used to emanate from Adam’s room and the sound of him clattering down the stairs. And I continued to miss Rosie’s music.

  One summer afternoon, when I came home from work, I heard the piano being played – it was a Chopin piece -one of Rosie’s. I flung open the dining room door. But, of course, it was Jenny playing. She could tell by my face what I’d been hoping, that for a few insane seconds, I’d hoped it was Rosie playing. She apologised, saying that she found it comforting to play things her mother loved. I told her not to be sorry and asked her to play again for me. It was both painful and pleasurable to listen.

  During the school holidays I also managed to get Max to the barber’s and to an overdue dental check up. I grew to admire Rosie even more as I discovered first hand how tricky, and how tiring, it could be doing all the domestic stuff and working.

  However, much as I enjoyed being with the children and, much as I regretted all the time I’d missed being an active father to them, I still loved my job. I still found myself driving home on a high after a day in theatre. I found my work to be great therapy when the missing of Rosie and Adam got to be too much.

  At times the craving to see Rosie was agonising, but I stuck to my promise and let her be. I got into a pattern of phoning her twice a week, once at the weekend and once during the week on a day when I wasn’t working. I looked forward to these calls so much that they became the highlights of my week. I longed to hear her voice, and even managed to make her laugh at times, with some of the daft stories I told about how we were all getting along. To hear her laugh made me feel so good, for a few, all too brief, moments. I would find myself saving up little bits of chat about the kids or my mother or Ruby or even about work, just so I could keep her on the line a bit longer. I think we both tried to keep the calls as light-hearted as possible.

  Because the children went on regular visits, I knew from them that Rick was still staying at the flat. Jenny explained he was between assignments and that his job up north had finished earlier than expected. She said he was going away again soon and that he usually went out when any of the children were visiting. Jenny seemed completely relaxed about Rick being at the flat.

  Sam, on the other hand, was not. She asked me about Rick one day, when we were putting away the grocery shopping.

  “Dad – if I ask you something will you please not get upset?”

  My heart missed a beat, in a way that will be familiar to any parents of teenagers when asked this type of question. I’d no idea what might be coming. Was it a request for permission for a tattoo? Was she going to ask me how I’d feel about her moving in with a boyfriend - whose existence I knew nothing about? Or did she want to know how I’d feel about becoming a grandfather sooner than expected? My mind whirled through the potential questions.

  “I’ll do my best,” I answered weakly.

  “Are Mum and Rick – does Rick - does Mum - do you think they’re having an affair?”

  I hadn’t seen that one coming. It was a question I couldn’t bear to think about – even although it popped into my head several times a day. But Sam was looking at me with expectation. She clearly needed me to think about it and to tell her my thoughts.

  “I – well – I don’t think so – that is, I hope not. They went out together at uni, before Mum and I met, and they’ve sort of kept in touch – but that’s mainly because Mum and Lucy are friends. It just so happens that they’re sharing Granddad’s flat now. It wasn’t planned or anything. I think Mum’s got enough on her plate getting better - she’s not going to be…” I couldn’t complete that sentence. “They’re mates Sam. That’s all - just mates. I love Mum and she loves me.” I ran out of things to say.

  “Are you sure – really sure, Dad?”

  “Yes, Sam,” I tried my best to speak with conviction. And then I couldn’t help myself. “Why do you ask?”

  “Oh, it’s just he’s usually there when I arrive, and comes back before I leave. Mum’s always so pleased to see him, and he puts his arm round her and stuff. I don’t like it. I can’t explain.”

  It wasn’t easy but I tried to keep my voice neutral – reasonable. “It must be nice for Mum to have company, especially if she’s feeling poorly. No wonder she’s pleased to see him. According to Jenny he gets her shopping and helps her around the flat. And anyway he’ll be away again soon.”

  “I suppose so. I don’t know how Jenny can be so cool with it, though. I think he’s a creep.”

  Somehow I restrained myself from openly agreeing with her sentiments. “Try not to worry about it, sweetheart. There’s nothing going on, I’m sure.”

  Max was simply happy to spend time with Rosie and, mercifully, he wasn’t distracted by Rick. He never really mentioned him in relation to Rosie. He said Rick had a cool car and was impressed by all his camera equipment, but that was about it. My mother or Sam took Max to see Rosie regularly. If Rosie was up to it they went for a walk. If not they watched DVDs together or he played his football manager game – a gift from Dan – that Dan had installed on Rosie’s laptop for just such occasions. At those times, Max said, Rosie would lie on the couch while he played and they’d chat about stuff or Rosie would sleep for a little while.

  It was through the children that I got to know how Rosie really was – she never said much to me about the illness or her treatment when I phoned. I knew she was often sick at first, but that the anti-sickness drugs helped a bit. I knew she’d lost all her hair. Jenny thought she looked cool bald. Sam said it was awful to see her without hair. Max wouldn’t let her go out without her wig – which the girls said she hated – and he was terrified that anyone he knew would see his mother without her hair. Apparently she didn’t eat much, as she said everything tasted of metal, but she’d developed a liking for Starburst sweets and Jaffa cakes.

  Then at the beginning of August, just after I’d returned from the camping trip, there was a breakthrough. Adam asked to see Rosie.

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  He just came out with it. Jenny was visiting Adam one Friday, after she’d finished work and, while they were in the middle of talking about something else, he said he wanted to see his mother.

  When Jenny got home she hurtled through the front door, shouting, asking where I was. She almost collided with me in the doorway of the kitchen. She was so excited.

  “Dad, oh, Dad – you’re not going to believe this!” She grasped both my arms. “It’s Adam – he wants to see Mum. Isn’t that just the best news?”

  It was encouraging, of course, the kind of progress I’d been desperate for, but I was wary of getting too carried away. However, Jenny’s enthusiasm was infectious.

  I laughed as I hugged her. “It’s great, Jenny. How did you do it?”

  “Well, I’d like to take some of the credit, of course, but I think it was Robbie who swung it in the end. The two of them have been spending quite a bit of time together – at Ruby’s and at Robbie’s. Adam just said that something Robbie mentioned to him yesterday made him think he needed to see Mum and – he wants to see you too.”

  I took a minute to digest this. “Did he mention coming home? Did you ask him?”

  “Of course I asked. He said no, he isn’t coming home – not yet anyway - but that after talking to Robbie he wanted to see you and Mum and talk to you both together.”

  Again I paused to absorb what she’d said. Jenny shook my arm. “What are you waiting for, Dad? Phone Mum – let her know. We need to get this set up.”

  “Right,” I laughed. “Yes, Ma’am. I’ll call her right now.” Jenny went off to tell Sam and Max and I did as I was ordered.

  “Hello, Rosie,” I said, as I took the phone through to the relative quiet of the den. I told her Jenny’s news.

  “Oh, Tom – that’s fantastic. Clever Jenny!” I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. “I’m - I can’t believe - I…” her voice broke up. “Oh, Tom,” s
he said again, really softly this time.

  “I know, Rosie. I know. It’s great, isn’t it?” My own voice had gone quite weak and there was an ache at the back of my throat. I paused as, despite my efforts to maintain a sense of perspective, relief and joy flooded through me, threatening to reduce me to a whimpering idiot.

  “So what do we do now?” Rosie regained the power of speech before I did.

  “I don’t know. He says he’s not coming home – well not yet anyway. He wants to see us both and talk before he’ll consider it.”

  “We could both meet him here, at the flat- at least that way it won’t matter how I’m feeling. Would he do that do you think – would he come here? Would you bring him here?”

  I hesitated before I answered. I was amazed Rosie wanted us to meet Adam together, amazed and heartened. But I knew I mustn’t over-react or read too much into it.

  Rosie must have sensed what I was thinking. “I think Adam needs to see us united - as his parents – that’s what he’s asking for. So we should meet him together and explain what’s going on. He needs reassurance from us both, Tom. We didn’t make a very good job of reassuring him before and now we’ve got a second chance. And I’d like you to be here when he sees me for the first time since – since my – since the cancer.”

  I did my best to keep my voice level. “Okay then – let’s ask him to come to the flat. I’ll get it set up and let you know.”

  It was actually Jenny who set it up. She phoned him the same evening and asked him to come to the flat the next day, a Saturday, in the afternoon. She had the day off work and offered to come too, something we all thought was a good idea. For me, that evening, there was the very pleasant task of phoning my mother, and of course, Ruby to give them the good news. At least, I hoped it was good news. As I came out of the euphoria of the mere fact that Adam wanted to see Rosie and me, some niggling doubts appeared. What if Adam wanted to tell us exactly what he thought of us – and not in a good way – and that he was leaving – going travelling – off to London, Africa, Australia and to hell with us.

  The next day I was up very early. I’d been too wound up to sleep properly. It was the first night in a long time that Max hadn’t come through to sleep beside me, which was just as well, for his sake, as I was so restless.

  It was a dull, damp morning but I was hopeful the sun would break through by lunchtime.

  I couldn’t wait for the afternoon but I also felt apprehensive. I’d be seeing Adam and Rosie, which was good, but I was also scared. I was scared that if Adam was prepared to come home, I’d say the wrong thing and mess up in some way – or that Adam would declare his contempt for us and announce his imminent departure from Scotland – and Rosie would have even more to blame me for. As usual, when the pressure was on, I decided to go for a run along the beach. Toby came too.

  The running helped. I managed to focus on the possibility of a positive outcome to the meeting with Adam. After all, Jenny had been so enthused, hadn’t she? She would have picked up on anything negative in Adam’s manner or intention. I was still nervous, but optimistically so.

  The dog seemed to pick up on my nervousness and would periodically stop running along beside me and jump up and bark. I found myself saying to him in a barely suppressed shout, “They’re coming home Toby, they’re coming home! Adam and Rosie are coming home!” This made him bark all the more.

  Of course, I knew they wouldn’t come home right away, that day, but surely they’d come soon. I was now convinced Adam wanted to see us for all the right reasons. I was getting on okay with Robbie. And, once I told Rosie the whole story of what happened seventeen years ago, well, she’d understand and come home. Adam would see everything was back to normal and then he’d come back. It didn’t matter if Adam had messed up his exams, the results were due the following week, he could re-sit next year – if he wanted to - and I’d be around more to help him. Oh, I had it all worked out. I simply had to be careful not to say the wrong thing. I just needed to show them I’d changed and everything would be fine.

  My mother came to the house later that morning. I was surprised to see her.

  “Sorry to interrupt your morning, Tom,” she said, as I showed her into the living room.

  She refused my offer of coffee. “I’ll just say what I’ve come to say. I think that’s probably best.” She wouldn’t even sit down.

  “Okay,” I said warily. I knew this tone of Ma’s voice only too well.

  “This afternoon, when you see Adam, I want you to remember, Tom – it’s not all about you. If you want Adam back – it has to be on his own terms.”

  “Yes, Ma, I know.” I felt hurt by her lack of faith in me. It was one thing to doubt myself, but to hear my mother voice the same doubts – it was hard to take.

  “I mean it,” she said, putting her hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eye. “Don’t blow this, Tom. Adam – and Rosie too – let them make their own choices.”

  I couldn’t hold her gaze. I looked upwards. “Yes, I know – I do know what’s at stake.” I sighed, closed my eyes.

  “Yes, I’m sure you do.” Her hands touched my face.

  I looked down at her as she stroked my cheek. Her expression had softened.

  “Oh, Ma,” I said. “I’m so afraid I’ll mess this up.”

  She hugged me and said, “Just don’t expect too much, my darling. Go easy on Adam – let him see you love him no matter what – and that the door is open for him when he’s ready to come back.”

  “Of course I will. I don’t want to do anything to scare him away again. But I want him home – I want both of them home so much – you know?”

  “I know you do, son, I know you do.” As she released me from her embrace she said, smiling, “I could do with that coffee now.”

  We went through to the kitchen. Sam and Max were there and were delighted to see my mother. She offered to stay at the house with Sam that afternoon. Sam seemed glad of the offer of her grandmother’s company. Ma also said Dan would be over later to take Max out for the afternoon. This cheered Max up considerably.

  He had begged to be allowed to come to the flat that afternoon. He had spent the morning cleaning out the fish tank so that Adam would be pleased with the level of care the fish had received from him. Although he didn’t say so, I knew he was hoping Adam would come home that day. I almost gave in and let Max come. But I sensed that just meeting with me and Rosie, with Jenny there in support, would be quite enough for Adam at this point.

  Sam and my mother made lunch for us all, but I could hardly eat anything. Then I couldn’t wait any longer. It was ridiculously early but I had to get on the road, so Jenny and I set off for Edinburgh. In the end it had been decided that Jenny would meet Adam in town and they’d come to the flat together – it was the arrangement Adam was most comfortable with. I would go straight to the flat after I dropped Jenny in the city centre.

  As I’d hoped, the sun had come through and it was a warm afternoon. I opened the windows and sun roof as soon as I started the car. As Jenny got in, the sun shone in her eyes, and she swept her long, fair hair back from her face as she searched in her bag for her sunglasses. She looked so like Rosie that it knocked the breath out of me.

  “What?” she said, as she caught me staring at her.

  “Oh nothing – it’s just – well – you’re a beautiful young woman, Jennifer McAllister and I love you.” I leant over and kissed the top of her head.

  “Och, Dad – you’re a soppy git,” she said, smiling. “Give me a big Daddy hug.” This was something she used to say a lot when she was little, but it was quite a while since she’d last said it. I was happy to oblige.

  “It’s going to be okay, Dad,” she said.

  I tried to relax as we approached Edinburgh. It wasn’t easy. I dropped Jenny off and, before I knew it I was walking up the path to the flat.

  It was Rick who opened the door. “Tom, good to see you,” he said, extending a hand.

  How could I have for
gotten him? But I had. In my daydreams about reconciliation with Rosie I’d not factored Rick in. How stupid could you get?

  “Eh, yes, hi,” I said, shaking his hand quickly, as much to displace the urge to punch him as any attempt to be polite. I didn’t really stop to look at him. I just wanted to see Rosie.

  I went through to the front room. And there she was. Rosie, sitting in an armchair with her feet tucked up under her. She was looking down at a book in her lap. She wore a dress, long and loose, made of some sort of light, floaty material and on her head she had a little blue hat with an upturned brim. She looked up as I came in and got to her feet.

  “Hello, Tom.” She smiled at me. She looked so lovely. My need to hold her was even more intense than the last time I’d been there. I wanted to pick her up and carry her off. But all I could do was gaze at her. She was so familiar and yet so strange. It reminded me of the first time I saw her, this mixture of familiarity and strangeness. I was scared to speak.

  Rosie took a step towards me. “Tom?” she said, looking puzzled. “Tom, are you okay?”

  She was standing very close now. I inhaled her scent. Christ – how I wanted her. She put a hand on my arm. She looked up into my face.

  Tentatively, I put my hand to her cheek. It was cool and soft.

  “Rosie,” I said. It came out as a whisper. I cleared my throat. It felt as if she leant her face, just ever so slightly, against my hand. She closed her eyes briefly. She opened them again and looked right into mine. With my heart pounding, I contemplated kissing her.

  Then Rick was there in the doorway. “I’ll get away, Rosie. I’ll be back to make us some dinner. See you later.” He looked at me. “Tom – take care – great news about Adam by the way.”

  I didn’t really want to answer him. But I made the effort. After all, I wanted to impress Rosie with how reasonable I could be. “Yeah, thanks.” Despite my endeavours it still came out grudgingly and I was aware of my free hand tightening into a fist.