Change Of Life

by Anne Stormont

  I smiled. “Adam certainly won’t have to fake an interest.”

  “Adam also seems to have bonded with my sister, Julie, and I don’t think their mutual interest in motors is the only attraction.” Robbie raised his eyebrows and grinned.

  “Oh, really – bonding as in - ”

  “Yes, as in - ” He laughed and put both hands over his heart and fluttered his eyelashes.

  This was the first I knew of Adam being interested in a girl. He certainly was changing. When Robbie was leaving, he said he was going to meet Eilidh in town for a little while before going back to work.

  “So you and Eilidh are still bonded then?” I said.

  Robbie nodded. “She says she needs a break from her mum, who’s in love apparently, and is driving Eilidh up the wall.”

  “Pardon?” I said. “In love – Kirsty’s in love? She hasn’t said anything to me. Who with – who’s she in love with?”

  “Oh, you better ask her that yourself.” And off he went, leaving me amazed and very curious.

  That afternoon, Sam and I went shopping in Princes Street for clothes and other bits and pieces that she’d need for starting university. It was several months since I’d been on an outing like this. I felt liberated and we had a good, girlie afternoon together.

  I had mixed feelings about Sam leaving home. It felt more final than when she went to Australia. My first child was grown up and it made me feel old and a little sad. But I was happy for her too and quite envious of all she had to look forward to.

  She was very excited about going up to St Andrews the following weekend. “I’m so glad you’re coming up too, Mum. Oh, it’ll be great, the three of us together. Dad’s excited too.”

  I smiled at her. “It’s an exciting time – I’m excited for you, just like Dad is. You’re going to love being at uni.”

  “No, Mum – Dad’s not just excited for me - he’s excited that you’re coming. He says you two are going to have a good talk and get things sorted out. He misses you, Mum. He wants you back, I’m sure he does.”

  “Oh, sweetheart – I’m not sure what either of us wants – we’ve changed – the Robbie stuff – me being ill. But we’re both proud of you and excited. And it’ll be nice for us both to see you off.”

  “But you will talk to him, won’t you? He says he has a lot he wants to say to you.”

  “Yes, Sam I promise we’ll talk.”

  Later the same day, Rick phoned to say he’d be back in Edinburgh the following Friday. He asked how things were going. I told him about the plan to go to St Andrews and he sounded genuinely pleased that Tom and I were going together. He laughed when I told him what Robbie had said about Kirsty being in love.

  That evening I couldn’t settle. My thoughts kept going back to Tom. I wanted to see him. I almost got in the car and drove to Gullane, but it was about ten o’clock and I was very tired. Then I thought if I could just hear his voice, then I could settle. So I phoned home. Max answered. We had a bit of a chat and then I asked to speak to Tom.

  “Oh, he’s not in. He’s out for a meal with Sheena – you know the lady at the hospital? Except – oops, it’s a secret - I’m not supposed to tell you that!”

  “Oh – right – with Sheena - and it’s a secret.” I kept my voice as level as I could, trying to keep the shock of what I’d just heard on the very edges of my consciousness.

  “Yeah – don’t say anything - Dad says he’ll tell you when he’s ready. Uncle Dan’s looking after me. Well, he’s supposed to be. He’s fallen asleep on the couch. Will I ask Dad to call you when he gets back? He’s not usually late when he’s with Sheena.”

  “No – no it’s okay. It’s not important. I think I’ll get off to bed. Goodnight, Max.”

  It was a sickening blow and I’d been completely unprepared for it. Tom and Sheena - it sounded like they’d been out a few times. And Max didn’t sound bothered at all. I felt wounded and ill. I put my hands over my mouth to stem the nausea and rocked with the gut clenching pain. Tom obviously wasn’t missing me as much as Sam seemed to think. A low, agonised groan escaped from my lips as I began to sob.

  Tom and Sheena, I hadn’t seen that coming.

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  The next day, Lucy and Kirsty came for lunch. They’d suggested an end of chemo celebration. I tried to put thoughts of Tom out of my mind as we set out the food they’d brought, but the pain remained as a dull ache. There was a gorgeous, creamy quiche and salad from Kirsty, courtesy of M&S’s food hall, and Lucy’s homemade bread and her wonderful, chocolate cheesecake. They’d also brought pink champagne, my absolutely favourite drink. It all looked lovely and I actually ate some of it. I even managed some champagne.

  “How’s your course going?” I asked Lucy, as we ate. She was training in aromatherapy, reflexology and therapeutic massage.

  “I’m loving it. I can’t wait to start putting it all into practice. Graham’s got really enthused by it, and he’s talking about converting part of the steading into a treatment salon for me.”

  “That’s great,” I said. “So, you’d have your own business?”

  “Yes, I was planning to try and get work in an established practice, but Graham’s made me think. He says it’s high time I had something that was just for me. To tell you the truth, I’ve been struggling a bit since the boys left home. There’s always plenty to do on the farm of course, but it’s not been the same – having no one to mother.”

  Typically, Lucy hadn’t said anything about how she’d been feeling, how she’d been struggling, missing her sons. I put my arm round her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “Oh, Lucy - you should have said sooner how you were feeling.”

  She shrugged. “Yes, maybe – but it seems so trivial compared to what you’re going through. I’ll get over it. Graham’s been great – as always. He says the boys still need me and they always will. And I know he’s right. It’s just so different when they’re not around in term time. But Graham’s right. I need to change – do things for me – now I’ve got the chance.”

  “Here’s to you, Lucy,” said Kirsty raising her glass. “I think you’ll be great. Go for it girl!”

  “Hear, hear,” I said, raising my glass too.

  “And to you, Rosie – Slainte!” Kirsty toasted my health.

  We chatted on about lots of things. Kirsty seemed happy, but not in any over the top way. When I got onto talking about Robbie’s visit the previous day, I saw my chance to ask the question that I’d been desperate to ask since the girls arrived.

  “Robbie mentioned that Eilidh needed a break from her mother – her lovesick mother. Is there anything you’d like to tell us?”

  Kirsty and Lucy exchanged a glance and smiled at each other.

  “Okay,” I said. “I can see I’m the last to know – what’s going on?”

  Kirsty blushed. “I’m sorry, Rosie, darling-”

  “Don’t you ‘darling’ me!” I laughed. “You’ve been keeping secrets from me!”

  “Not really– it’s just that I’ve been so happy and you – well you’ve not been – it didn’t seem…” she faltered and looked at Lucy.

  “Kirsty and Rick,” said Lucy, “Kirsty and Rick have got it together – they’re - an item – isn’t that great?”

  I stared from one to the other. Then I started to smile and my hands came up to my mouth.

  “Oh my God, Kirsty! You and Rick – wow! He was on the phone last night. He laughed when I said I thought you were in love. It’s amazing – I had no idea – when – how?”

  Kirsty laughed. “It was just after he came back in June. Remember I was here with you - the day he showed up?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, he went to see Lucy later that day. However, when he got to Lucy’s she wasn’t there - but I was. Lucy and Graham had some cow-related emergency and I was waiting for her. We were supposed to be going out for something to eat. So Rick and I sat and chatted while we waited. When Lucy and Graham eventually got back, Lucy was
– to put it politely - in need of a bath - and I’m afraid she cancelled our date. But, she made up for it by suggesting that Rick and I go out to eat.”

  “Yeah – so it’s all my fault,” Lucy laughed.

  “Yes, it is,” said Kirsty. Anyway, we got on really well and it’s just gone on from there. The real clincher was when he showed me his photos of Skye and told me how much he loved my island.” She smiled widely. “What do you think, Rosie?”

  “I think it’s wonderful, Kirsty. He’s obviously making you happy. I’m pleased for both of you. But you didn’t have to keep it from me. It’s nice to get good news.”

  “I’m glad you’re glad,” said Kirsty. She reached over and squeezed my hand. “We just need to get you and Tom sorted out now. You’re still going up to St Andrews together next weekend?”

  Tom, oh Tom, I thought. And the deep, gripping pain in my gut was back – full on. I didn’t think I could bear to voice my fears, so I tried to keep bright and positive. “Yes, we are and we’re planning to have a bit of a talk. I’ve been missing him lately. He’s surprised me the way he’s coped with being a single parent. He’s done everything I asked, stayed away, given me space.”

  “And maybe he needed to be given some space too, to be a Dad and do some of the domestic stuff,” Lucy said gently.

  “Yes, I never really let him in, in that respect, did I? I had to be in control – doing everything myself – quite a martyr. Anyway, I asked for space and he gave me it, so I suppose it serves me right.” I couldn’t hold back. I had to share my dreadful suspicions.

  “What does?” asked Kirsty.

  “That he’s now seeing someone – a woman from work. Max told me – last night. I phoned to tell Tom I was missing him. I just wanted to hear his voice – but he wasn’t there. He was out with this woman. Max didn’t even seem bothered – he was more bothered that he wasn’t supposed to mention it to me. Tom’s going to tell me when he’s ready, according to Max. And it wasn’t their first time together apparently.”

  I knew I was going to cry. I tried to stop myself, but it was no use. The tears ran down my face.

  Lucy got the tissues. “No, Rosie, no, that can’t be right. Tom still loves you.”

  I blew my nose, but I couldn’t stop crying.

  “Come on – come over to the sofa.” She guided me over and sat down beside me. She put an arm round my shoulders. Kirsty came and sat on my other side.

  “Oh, I think he still cares,” I said, between sobs. “But I can’t really blame him for looking for some affection elsewhere. I’ve been horrible to him. I’ve accused him of deceit. I’ve accused him of fathering my sister’s child. I’ve moved out. I’ve not let him support me through all the cancer crap.”

  Kirsty took my hand. “But you had a right to be angry and you had a right to ask to do things your way. Tom knows that. He loves you Rosie – that’s why he’s let you be. God, Rick says the sexual tension fairly crackles in the room, when you and Tom are together.”

  “Does it? I don’t know about that. The last time I saw Tom – when we met Adam here – I threw up on him. Then, later, I passed out. I think it was probably just plain, ordinary tension that Rick picked up on – tension about what I’d be doing as an encore.” I managed a bit of a smile. Kirsty and Lucy were offering a sliver of hope.

  They both laughed.

  “I even let him think that Rick and I were having some kind of liaison – just teasing him really. I found it funny and nice that he thought anyone could find me attractive in my present state.”

  “Well, there you go then. He’s besotted – he still fancies you - bald and covered in vomit. And he thinks other men do too. No, Max is wrong – there’s no way he’s seeing this – this - floozy,” said Lucy.

  Kirsty laughed. “Yeah, she’ll be some airhead - all young and pretty and shallow - with some kind of doctor fixation.

  I managed a laugh at this. I hadn’t met Sheena, but I’d spoken to her on the phone. I was fairly certain she was no young floozy.

  “Describing her as young and pretty is not really making me feel any better,” I said, smiling at Kirsty.

  “Look, whatever is or isn’t going on, I think there’s no contest between you and whoever she is. Tom probably just needed some female company. It’ll be quite innocent. I can’t believe he’s given up on you. And you clearly want to be with him. So talk to him, Rosie.” Kirsty shouted this last bit.

  I laughed and raised my arms in surrender. “All right, all right – everyone’s telling me that. I’ll talk to him! You know, I don’t even care any more if he’s Robbie’s father. If he is I’ll deal with it – somehow. For now, I just need to hear exactly what happened seventeen years ago.”

  After Lucy and Kirsty left, I felt quite tired and went for a lie down. I slept for a couple of hours. It was getting dark when I woke. When I tried to get up, I realised I wasn’t feeling all that well. I felt like I was coming down with flu. My bones and my head ached and my throat was sore. I lay back down. The room seemed to be spinning. And then the nausea started and I had to dash to the bathroom. I was very sick. I knew I shouldn’t have had the champagne. I crawled back into bed and didn’t really sleep that night.

  I was sick another couple of times and had a restless and disturbed night.

  Next morning I couldn’t get up. I felt hot and shivery and very weak. Thank goodness Evelyn was due to visit. As usual she let herself in. I remember her calling my name and then her standing at the side of the bed with her hand on my forehead. Then I saw her with the phone in her hand and she was holding my wrist. She washed my face. I can remember the cool flannel on my hot skin, and I think I can remember her helping me into a clean nightdress. But, after that, nothing.

  Acceptance

  Tom

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  I’d just come out of theatre on the Monday morning, in the second last week of September. The surgery on an elderly patient had gone well. I was in good spirits. Bruce was due in the theatre for the next couple of hours and I intended to get on with some post-clinic paperwork. I wasn’t due back in theatre until after lunch. I was changing into fresh scrubs when my pager went.

  It was Sheena. I called her immediately.

  “Tom, thank goodness – you’re out of theatre at last.”

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “I’m so sorry, Tom. It’s Rosie – your mother’s been on the phone. She’s - Rosie’s very poorly, Tom. She’s in hospital – here - down in the receiving unit. Your mother came in the ambulance with her.”

  I didn’t wait to hear any more. I flung the phone down and I ran. I didn’t bother with the lift, I just charged down the stairs and flew along the corridors. I burst in through the receiving unit doors and nearly fell over Amanda Knox. She caught hold of me as I crashed into her and I read her ID badge.

  “Steady on,” she said. “What’s the rush?”

  “Where is she?” I asked. She took in my scrubs and glanced at my badge.

  “Ah, Tom McAllister,” she said. “I’m Dr Knox – Amanda, your wife’s oncologist. It’s all right – Rosie’s here – your mother’s with her. It was fortunate that I happened to be here this morning when Rosie arrived. Your mother phoned ahead to try to track me down.”

  I must have looked frantic – like a complete madman probably – I kept looking over Amanda’s shoulder as she spoke, and only nodded vaguely in her direction.

  “Can I see her? What’s wrong with her?” I asked.

  “Come and sit down Mr McAllister – in here.” She indicated a small office behind the nurses’ station. I followed her inside and sat down on a plastic chair. She sat opposite and spoke gently.

  “Rosie has an infection – it’s quite severe. You know, of course, that chemotherapy compromises the immune system - so she’s not able to fight it very well. She’s very poorly, but we’re pushing drugs and fluids into her and keeping a close eye on things. She’s been taken along to HDU. I was just heading off there when
you arrived. She’s stable and sedated and as comfortable as we can make her. I’m sorry – it’s such a shame – she’s been doing so well and come so far. She’s had her last chemo and things should have been starting to get easier. We have to hope that she has enough in reserve to overcome this.”

  It all felt unreal. Amanda’s voice seemed to be coming from a long way off.

  “No, please – no,” I said. “This can’t be happening – not now – we’re going away at the weekend – we were going to talk – it was going to be all right. It was going to be all right.”

  I could hardly breathe. I jumped up and knocked the chair over. I wanted to scream and rage, throw the furniture – it was agony. I punched the wall and sank to the floor. I’d witnessed this kind of shock so often – breaking bad news to a patient’s relatives – news they were completely unprepared for. Up until that day I’d never really understood the primal nature and visceral surge of this kind of response. I used to wonder why they couldn’t keep a lid on their feelings, maintain some dignity. I mean, I was sympathetic to their shock, but I never really understood it until that day.

  “Tom – Tom – it’s okay. Sh, now – it’s okay.”

  I felt arms around me. It was my mother.

  “Ma – oh, Ma,” I clung to her, as the room seemed to slip away.

  A little while later I was sitting once again, still in the little room, sipping some water. My mother sat beside me with her hand on my arm.

  “Better?” asked Amanda. She smiled kindly.

  “Yes, thanks, sorry, I sort of lost it for a minute there, not very professional – sorry.”

  “You’re not required to be professional, Tom. This is Rosie we’re talking about – you’re allowed to be emotional.”

  I turned to my mother. “Thanks, Ma – for being here and for looking after her.”

  She patted my hand. “Go and see your wife.”

  So, I went to Rosie’s bedside, in a single room in the High Dependency Unit. She wasn’t conscious, well not fully anyway. I couldn’t tell if she knew I was there or not. She looked fragile and so pale. Drips were hooked up at her right hand side and there were the usual monitors doing their tracing and bleeping. I went to her left side and kissed her forehead. I took her hand. I noticed she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring, but I couldn’t dwell on what that might mean. I sat down beside her.