Forbidden

by R. R. Banks

  "I do remember how he made me feel," I said. "I remember how he made me feel in his office. I remember how he made me feel in the dance studio. I remember how he made me feel in the classroom. I remember how he made me feel in the park. And, yes, I remember how he made me feel in the courtyard at his house. But I also know how he made me feel when he stood here in the living room and told me that he was sorry and asked me to forgive him."

  "You just need to be careful," he said. "You need to protect yourself."

  "And why do you think you know so well to tell me that I need to be careful around him? You don't even know him."

  "Neither do you," he said. "I saw him tonight. He came to the bar where I was meeting up with some friends and he demanded to know where you were. He was pissed as hell when I wouldn't tell him. I might not have interacted with him much, but in the few minutes that I did I saw how aggressive and pushy he can be."

  "He's forceful," I said. "He knows what he wants."

  "And it doesn't matter what he has to do to get it," Javi said.

  "You make it sound like he's some sort of monster."

  "I'm not saying that," he said. "But I am saying that you deserve someone who you can open up to and care about without worrying. You deserve someone who isn't afraid to tell anybody else how they feel about you."

  "He's not afraid," I said.

  "If he's not afraid, what is he? Ashamed? Unsure? Indifferent? Are any of those any better?"

  "I know that it's hard for you to understand and that maybe you don't see it, but Jude is a good man. When we're together, he's attentive and passionate. He's fun to be around and he makes me feel good about myself. It's not just about sex. We do other things together."

  "Like what?"

  "We take walks. We shop. We talk."

  "Talk about what? You didn't even know about his wife. Does he know about Nana? How about your parents? Lessie?"

  I felt my heart clench painfully in my chest. I gritted my teeth against it and shook my head.

  "Why are you doing this? I thought that you wanted me to be happy."

  "I do want you to be happy," Javi said. "I love you, Ronnie. You are my best friend. You mean everything in this world to me. And that's why I don't want to see anything happen to you. You need to take care of yourself and protect your emotions. I want nothing more than to see you have a happy life and get everything that you want, but I don't think that Jude will ever be the type of man that you really want or need, or who could ever make you as happy as you deserve. If I'm wrong, I will readily admit it. And I hope I am. But you have to ask yourself if you really want a big question in your life. Because trying to make things work with him would be just that. A question. Do you really want to be with a man who won't even admit that he has feelings for you?"

  "I want to give him the chance," I said. "You're wrong, Javi. It might not have happened yet, but we just need the time to get to that place when it's right for us."

  I said the words with all the confidence that I could force into my voice. I knew what Javi was seeing, but I believed that there was more to Jude than that. I wanted to find it and I wanted to give him the chance to show it to me.

  I walked out of my apartment with my keys in my hand Friday evening, rushing to make up for the time that I had lost trying to choose what to wear. I was digging through my purse when I heard my name. Startled, I stopped in my tracks and looked up. A long, shimmering black car was parked at the curb, and the man who had helped me at Jude's house, Aaron, was standing beside it.

  "Hello," I said.

  "Good evening, Miss Parish. Mr. Ford sent me to give you a ride to his house. "

  He gestured toward the car as if I could have somehow missed it. I stood staring at it, surprised that he would have done that. It felt so thoughtful and indulgent, and I felt a smile come to my lips as I walked toward the car. Aaron opened the door and I slipped into the backseat. He got behind the wheel and looked at me in the rearview mirror.

  "Are you comfortable, Miss Parish?"

  "Yes," I said. "But please call me Veronica."

  I realized what I said as soon as it came from my lips. It was the first time in as long as I could remember that I had introduced myself as Veronica rather than Ronnie. It was strange but at the same time exciting, as if I had just discovered something about myself, though I couldn't yet define it.

  We were silent for the rest of the ride and I found myself wishing that he would say something. I wondered what Aaron was thinking. I knew that it was impossible that he would have forgotten the last time that we saw each other and I wondered what he thought about how it all unfolded. I was sharply aware that he had known Jude for much longer than I had and knew him far better. This was one of the people he had talked about when describing the staff who he gave time off for the holidays. This man was an important part of Jude's life and I felt the need for him to acknowledge me, and the desire for him to tell me more about Jude. He didn't, however, and as we approached the house I realized that what I really wanted was for him to prepare me, to help me know more about Jude as if it would create a bridge between us.

  The house looked even more intimidating as we drove slowly along the drive, even with the gate standing open, and I felt a tightness in my breath when the car stopped and Aaron opened the door. For a brief moment, I wondered if this wasn't Jude trying to spend more time with me but another opportunity to confront me, to show me the devastation that I had created and force me to listen to more of his explosive anger. As I turned away from the car and toward the house, though, I could see him standing on the front porch, a slight smile on his face, and the fear drained away.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Veronica

  "Thank you for coming," Jude said as I walked up the steps onto the porch.

  "Thank you for sending Aaron to get me," I said.

  I wanted to tell him that I was impressed by the car, by the attention, but something held me back. We stood within inches of each other but didn't touch. Our eyes met and for a moment it felt like everything else around us disappeared. It was only us standing there and I could feel the pull in my chest, drawing me toward him.

  "I wanted to make sure that you got here safely," he finally said, his voice softer. "Come in."

  He stepped out of the way and gestured toward the door. I walked past him into the house and felt my breath catch in my throat. As imposing as the house was outside, inside it was gorgeous. It was opulent and yet somehow understated, the fine and yet so obvious line between a home groomed by old, established wealth and one crafted to emulate it by those newly fallen into money.

  "It's beautiful," I said.

  "Thank you. It's been in my family for generations. I've made a few changes, but a lot of it is the same as it has been since my great-grandfather lived here." He stepped up beside me. "Are you hungry?"

  I nodded.

  "Yes."

  "Good. I had the cook prepare one of my favorites, chicken marsala."

  He started to walk further into the house and I fell into step slightly behind him, allowing him to guide me into a dining room that could have comfortably hosted banquets. Two of the places at the massive table were already set and Jude pulled one of the chairs out for me. I settled into it and looked around myself. A bookshelf along the wall caught my eye.

  "There are books in here," I said.

  Jude laughed.

  "There are books everywhere," he said.

  "Did you just run out of space for them at school?" I asked teasingly.

  "These are my personal collection," he said. "But, yes, I did run out of space for them."

  I laughed.

  "At least, that's how it started. Then I realized that I liked having them around in as many rooms of the house as possible. It's like they keep me company." He winced. "Does that sound as crazy to you as it did in my head?"

  I shook my head.

  "No," I said. "It doesn't sound crazy. You love them."

  He gave a slight
nod and the door opened, ushering in two uniformed staff carrying our first course. We fell into comfortable conversation as we ate, the distance that had formed between us in the time that we had been apart seeming to close gradually. Jude asked about Javi, but I pushed past it, not wanting to talk about him. I didn't know if he thought that Javi had told me about their confrontation, but I didn't want to hear Javi's voice in my head again. I didn't want to listen to his negativity. Everything felt so perfect and I didn't want anything to get in the way of it.

  When we finished dessert, Jude stood and pulled my chair away from the table.

  "Let me show you some of the house," he said.

  We walked slowly along the hallways and I listened as he described the house as he remembered it when he was younger and the changes that he had made to it. I tried to imagine him as a child moving through these hallways and playing in these rooms, but I couldn't. Beyond the one younger image of him that I had seen in that article, I couldn't think of Jude as anything but the man that stood before me now.

  Finally, we got to a set of double doors and he paused, giving me an almost mischievous smile.

  "You mentioned the books in the dining room," he said.

  He opened the doors and I stepped into an expansive library. I gasped, turning around in the center of the red and gold rug splashed across the floor to look at the towering shelves and nearly-toppling piles of books. I was so accustomed to Jude being totally in control, never seeming flustered, never letting any detail get out of place. Seeing the books teetering in piles, open on tables, and strewn across furniture was like getting a glimpse of a different part of him. I felt like I was being introduced to a new part of Jude and got a strange sense of satisfaction from the feeling that I was one of very few who had the opportunity to experience this part.

  "Have you really read all of these?" I asked.

  "Several times," he admitted. "For a long time, they were all I had. Sometimes I still feel like they are."

  I turned to look at him.

  "They aren't all you have," I whispered.

  "Come on," he said. "There's something else I want to show you."

  I followed him out of the library and through further hallways until we reached an even larger set of doors. Jude paused beside them with one hand rested on the handle.

  "You humored me about my books," he said.

  I scoffed.

  "You make it sound like I hate books," I said.

  "No," he said. "But you don't like them as much as I do. And you don't like them nearly as much as I think that you would like this."

  He pushed the door open and again stepped out of the way. I walked into the room, but couldn't see anything. While the incredible darkness inside made it impossible for me to see anything, the room felt expansive around me. There was a faint smell of wood polish and when I took another experimental step forward I could feel the hardness of the wood beneath my feet. It was a feeling that was familiar, easily recognizable even through my shoes. I heard Jude walk into the room behind me and a moment later a glow formed behind me and grew, illuminating the breathtaking room that stretched ahead. I turned to look over my shoulder at Jude, who was smiling softly as he adjusted the brightness of the converted candelabras positioned along the wall.

  "It's a ballroom," I breathed.

  He nodded.

  "It is. It's one of the original features of the house. My father had it wired for electricity when I was younger."

  "Do you host balls here?" I asked playfully.

  "I never have," he said. "I'm sure that there were some at one time, though. I make sure that it's kept up, though. You never know when there might be a need."

  "For a ball?"

  "Or a masquerade. Possibly a soiree."

  I laughed.

  "My goodness," I said. "An emergency soiree. Scandalous."

  I felt Jude's fingertips trail down my arm so that he could take my hand and turn me toward him. It was the first time that he had touched me and I could feel the days of being without that touch amplified for a brief moment before it melted away into the warm rush that flowed through me. He brought me up close to him, his other hand coming to rest on my waist.

  "Always," he whispered.

  I instinctively settled my hand on his shoulder and we began to dance. There was no music but the strength of his arms and the confidence of his body carried me into the center of the floor. The lights from the wall only partially illuminated the space, allowing my focus to pull completely in to Jude. Our eyes locked on each other and I felt any lingering hesitation slip away. We had been gliding across the polished wood floor for a few moments when he slowly leaned down toward me and his lips settled onto mine. As aggressive and insistent as his kiss had been the first time, this kiss was controlled, almost cautious in the way that he closed the space that had formed between us.

  As our kiss slowly deepened we stopped dancing, pausing in the middle of the ballroom. Our hands left each other so that he could wrap both around my waist and I could encircle his neck. I imagined him bringing me down to the floor and taking me right there. Instead, our lips parted, and he swept me up into his arms, gathering me close with one arm tucked beneath my knees and another around my back. I rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me out of the ballroom and through the house. We entered a section that we hadn't gone to when he was giving me the tour and I felt his hand shift on my legs so that he could turn the knob on a door. When it opened he stepped through and carried me into a bedroom.

  Lowering me back to my feet, Jude walked back to the door and closed it, turning the lock. He turned on a lamp and I looked around at the room. I hadn't allowed myself to imagine what his bedroom would look like, forcing myself to accept the distance from our most personal spaces that we had always maintained when we came together in his office, the classroom, the park, and the ground. Now that I was looking at it, though, it was everything that I would have imagined it to be. The dark wood from the rest of the house carried through here and I was unsurprised to see more books filling shelves that lined the walls and sitting on the table beside the massive, imposing bed.

  Jude came back to me and stood in front of me. I lifted my hands and touched them to the sides of his face, cupping his cheeks so that I could look into his eyes. He looked somehow different now, but there was still so much behind that dark gaze that I knew I didn't know and I wondered if I ever would. His hands touched my arms again and ran down until they settled on my hips. He ducked his face toward mine and used the tip of his nose to nudge mine until I lifted my mouth to accept his again. There was no rush in the way that he kissed me, no urgency or pressure. I had always felt like there was a clock ticking behind us when we kissed like we were being timed or just chasing the feeling until someone or something stopped us. There was none of that now. Time stretched in front of us. The locked door sealed us from the rest of the world. There was no one to discover us, no class to begin, no secret to cover with an excuse.

  Just us.

  I stepped out of my shoes and pushed them aside. Yesterday it would have been a meaningless gesture. It was something I did every day of my life. But this time it was different. This time it was an opening, the first time that I had been the one to make that first move. Even this still didn't trigger Jude into his usual aggressive, dominating pace that at once thrilled me and threatened to overwhelm me. Instead, he mimicked me, removing his own shoes and pushing them aside. He then reached around me and slowly lowered the zipper down the back of my dress. It peeled away from me and then pooled at my feet. He kissed one shoulder then let his mouth run across my chest to the other. The delicate strap of my slip fell down and he eased the other away, letting his fingertips softly caress my skin.

  The slick satin fell away from my body as he gently guided it down, slowly exposing my breasts, then my ribcage, then my stomach. Jude lowered to his knees when the slip stopped at my hips and brushed his face across my stomach. The coarse hair of his beard scratched at my
skin, sending a shiver along my legs that settled between my thighs. His breath soothed the feeling and tickled between my hip bones as he moved my slip the rest of the way down my legs and carefully helped me step out of it. I now wore only the scrap of satin of my panties and Jude briefly ran his face along the front of them as he stood. He gave me another brief kiss before scooping me into his arms again and carrying me over to the bed. Laying me down softly, he stepped back and undressed, his eyes not moving from mine.

  The tips of my fingers craved touching him, but I didn't move. I felt more held by him in those moments than I ever had, the anticipation of the next moment carrying me through, making me feel suspended. Jude walked up to the side of the bed and rested his fingers on my ankle, drawing them slowly up my calf, over my knee, along my thigh, and over my hip. He brought them over onto my stomach, continuing to trace my body until they reached my breast. He paused for a moment to let his touch linger on my nipple, bringing it taut, then continued on to draw them up the front of my throat and over my chin to my lips. I kissed them softly, letting my mouth open just slightly so that they could touch the tenderness of the inside of my lips and I could taste his skin with the tip of my tongue.

  He knelt on the mattress beside me and then brought his body over mine, resting down so that he fully enveloped me. Jude rested his arms on either side of my head so that he could stroke through my hair with both hands as he gazed down at me. I could feel his heartbeat through his chest, seeking the rhythm of mine. I breathed in and focused on that feeling. We kissed again and I ran my hand along his back to feel the tightness of his muscles. I don't know how long passed before Jude lifted up enough to reach between us and remove my panties. His fingers found the wet heat of my core and opened my petals further. His slow attention had awakened my body until each touch felt amplified and heightened.

  I let my legs fall open on either side of him and Jude settled his hips between my thighs. The tip of his erection stroked through my core, massaging into my tightened bud. I gasped and lifted my hips, causing his cock to slip down and touch my opening. My breath caught in my throat and Jude looked at me, his eyes burning into mine as he adjusted just enough to reach into the drawer of the small table beside the bed and withdraw a condom. He rolled it into place and I felt the tip just dip inside me. He paused there, allowing both of us to feel this moment, to experience this touch. It was by far not the first time that he had touched me. It was by far not the first time that he had been inside of me. But it was different now.