Forbidden

by R. R. Banks

  "To bring you back to the hollow for Christmas."

  The fact that he had specified that it was for Christmas was reassuring. As much as I thought that I was going to love the cruise and enjoy disappearing from the holiday season for a year, the reality was that I was feeling far too sad and lonely to really have any fun. I felt myself longing for the warmth of the hollow and the amazing people in it, even if going back was just going to expose the hurt in my heart for Graham even more. Even if it made me miss him more, maybe being there would help me to get past it.

  "How are we supposed to get there? The cruise is for another couple of days, and by the time that we get to the port it will be after Christmas and we'll be nowhere near the hollow."

  "Never fear," Cletus said dramatically, seeming to briefly acquire a super hero persona. "We have that all worked out. We're going to get off of here at the next port and Boom Boom will be waiting for us to fly us to the hollow."

  Before I could say anything, BillyBob came rushing up to us, a grin on his face and his wet hat sideways on his head.

  "That was a hell of a ride!" he exclaimed. "Since I saw that you had been victorious and found her, I went on ahead and did another slide out of celebration. You really should try it. I'll hold your sparkly sandals for you." He turned and looked at me. "Hi, there, Holly. I'm BillyBob Badge."

  I looked between him and Cletus a few times.

  "Alright, I'm going to need some more information."

  Chapter Nineteen

  Holly

  Whiskey Hollow was so beautiful as we approached it that I didn't even mind the cold that had settled into my bones. The few days that I had spent on the cruise seemed to have thawed me until I was soft and now that I was back in seasonal weather I felt myself shivering so hard my joints were aching, but I was too happy to be back in the hollow to care. Through my happiness, though, I could still feel the sharp sadness that was a constant underscore of my every breath.

  I looked back at the tiny plane that Boom Boom had piloted from the cruise. He stepped up beside me and gave me a sheepish look.

  "I'm sorry about all those rolls," he said.

  "Don't be," I told him. "That was the most fun flight I've ever been on. The twirly parts were my favorite."

  Boom Boom grinned.

  "Mine too."

  "Where did you get such an amazing plane?"

  I realized that in my excitement for him to bring me back to the hollow that I hadn't even questioned how he had the beautiful plane when I hadn't noticed it during my time there the first time.

  "Uhhh…." he said, seeming struck by the question. "Santa."

  "Santa?" I asked.

  "Yep," he said, nodding. "Santa brought it to me. It was a Christmas miracle."

  "A little early."

  "Yeah, well, it's just a loaner, so maybe he has someone else who's going to need it, so he had to give it to me early."

  I stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what he was hiding. The sound of Day's voice from behind me made me turn away from Boom Boom and I saw him let out a sigh of relief out of the corner of my eye as I looked at her. I grinned as she hurried toward me, holding out her arms for an embrace.

  "We're glad to have you back," she said. "Well, except for Jessup. He wants his snowmobile."

  "Tell him to call Graham. He'll buy him a new one." I lowered my voice slightly. "He could probably even score a new one with better features."

  Day smiled.

  "Then I'm sure that he's going to be glad to have you back, too." I laughed, and she looped an arm around my shoulders. "I still have your room all ready for you. I was hoping that you might change your mind and come back to spend Christmas with us."

  "Really?" I asked.

  "Of course. I didn't believe you for a second when you said that you didn't like Christmas. I can see it in you. Your mama knew something when she gave you that name."

  "She knew that she was giving birth under a holly bush."

  "No. Something else. You've got that holiday sparkle in you. You just have to find it."

  "I don't even know where to look."

  She smiled knowingly as she guided me toward a waiting truck.

  "Well, the hollow is a pretty good place for a lot of things, and one of them is to start looking for things."

  I wasn't sure what she meant, but I nodded anyway. I had come to accept that not understanding what people were saying to me was just part of the charm of spending time in Whiskey Hollow. People were scurrying around as we drove toward the Hollow Day Inn and nearly all of them looked up to wave at us as we drove through. I found myself scouring their faces, remembering names, piecing together stories, but all the while searching. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I knew deep inside that I was looking for Graham.

  When we got to the motel, Day handed me my key and I went back to the room that I had shared with Graham in our days in the hollow. It was clean and freshly made-up, yet I felt like I could still sense him lingering there in the air, as if his presence had seeped into the room where it couldn't be cleaned. It had to just fade away, but hadn't yet. I put down my bags, feeling as though I were retracing my steps, going through the same actions that I had the first night that I got to the hollow. I was tucking clothes into the drawer when I heard a knock on the door.

  "Come in," I called.

  The door opened, and I saw Rue peer in at me.

  "Welcome back. Do you need anything?" she asked.

  I shook my head.

  "No. I'm fine. Thank you. I'm really glad to be back here."

  "You don't look glad."

  I tried to smile, but I knew that it looked feeble.

  "I am."

  "You miss him, don't you?'

  I nodded.

  "I shouldn't though."

  "And why's that?"

  She came into the room and closed the door. Clementine was sleeping in her arms and she rested her to the bed, running a finger down her baby's soft little cheek as she did. I gazed at the baby and sighed.

  "He has a family already."

  "He has a son," she agreed. "He's divorced."

  "I know. And I know that he said that he had changed his mind about going back to his ex-wife, but I don't know if I believe him."

  "Why not?"

  "He was so convinced," I said. "When I met him, he knew for certain that he wanted to go back to her and try to rebuild his family."

  "But then he met you," Rue pointed out. "He changed his mind because he met you."

  I shook my head.

  "He was right, Rue. Charlie deserves his family. If Graham had wanted me to stay, he could have said so. At any time. He could have told me that he didn't want me to leave. He could have said that he wanted me to stay there and spend the holidays with me. He could have said anything. But he didn't."

  "Did you say anything?"

  I looked at Rue, taken aback by the question.

  "What do you mean?"

  "You said that Graham could have told you that he wanted you to stay and spend the holidays with you. But did you say anything to him? Did you tell him that you wanted to stay, or that you didn't want to leave? Did you tell him that you wanted to spend the holidays with him?"

  "No," I said, shaking my head. "I didn't think that it was my place."

  "Why not?"

  I opened my mouth to respond, but no words came out. Finally, I felt my shoulders drop.

  "What if he had said no?" I asked weakly.

  "And what if he hadn't? Trust me, Holly, I know what it feels like to question what a man is thinking and to wonder if he could ever feel for you what you feel. The question isn't what he would have said, but if you were ready for what he said, no matter what it was. If he had told you that he wanted you to stay, would you have?"

  "Of course."

  "And you would have accepted his son? Accepted that sort of change in your life?"

  I nodded.

  "Absolutely." I drew in a breath. "I love him."


  Rue smiled and scooped Clementine into her arms.

  "Well, it is Christmas Eve, Holly. Maybe there are a few miracles left in the season." She started for the door. "The Galloway Farm is having their Christmas Eve celebration in an hour. It's why we all wanted you back here. Come with me?"

  "Sure."

  "Good. I'll see you in a little while."

  I waved as the door closed behind Rue. I was nearly breathless with how much I missed Graham and the confession I had finally brought myself to make, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do about it right then. It was Christmas Eve. Even Boom Boom couldn't get me to Graham now. Even if he could, I didn't know what I would say to him.

  Merry Christmas, Graham. Please don't fall in love with your ex-wife again.

  I had lost my chance. I knew that the only choice I had was to try to enjoy the celebration and then make my way back home.

  The farm seemed even brighter and more beautiful when we parked and walked toward the center. The sparkle from the wedding seemed to still be there, though many of the decorations had been removed and replaced with traditional Christmas accents. A blazing fire roared in the center and the air was filled with the smell of toasted marshmallows and chocolate. My eyes stung with tears even as my lips curved up in a smile at the thought of Graham and s'mores. Rue and I walked up to the fire and I accepted a stick with a marshmallow from someone. I tucked the marshmallow into the flames and watched as the pristine white surface tinted light brown and then blistered. I drew it out of the fire and blew out the smoldering corner. I was pulling it delicately from the stick and cooling my fingers in my mouth when I heard a voice calling my name,

  "Holly! Holly!"

  I looked around the dancing flames and saw Coy coming toward me at what I could only guess was a land speed record for someone whose years clocked his age somewhere between 80 and 312. He had something red gripped in one crinkled hand and he held it out to me as he got to within a few feet. I stepped to the side, hoping to guide him away from the bonfire. The last thing that Whiskey Hollow needed was another Christmas celebration that revolved around something bursting into flame. I took the object from his hand and realized that it was an envelope.

  "Hi Coy," I said. "What's this?"

  The ancient newspaper man/postmaster drew in a few breaths. I felt like I was watching someone fill and empty bellows. Finally, he looked up at me.

  "Christmas card," he said.

  "A Christmas card?" I asked, feeling somewhat bewildered. "From who?"

  Coy straightened, holding himself up to the fullest height that his age-bent body would allow.

  "I don't open people's mail," he said indignantly. "Except in dire emergency circumstances."

  I knew from some of the stories that I heard around the fire in my first visit that one such dire emergency circumstance was when Coy was convinced that he had discovered an envelope full of anthrax and tore open the package while wearing a gas mask and dishwashing gloves only to find three crushed powdered sugar doughnuts. That began the official Whiskey Hollow post ban against any and all envelopes containing baked goods, particularly those featuring powdered sugar.

  "I'm sorry," I said. "I just wasn't expecting that I would get a card here. I mean, who would send me mail to Whiskey Hollow?"

  I checked the front of the envelope and saw that the card was made out to my name, but the address was the post office.

  Vera? Would she have sent me a card here?

  No. She knew that I had left and made it to the cruise. Besides, how would she have gotten the address to the post office?

  "You could open it," Coy said.

  I flipped the envelope over and slid my finger beneath the sealed flap. As soon as the flap lifted, Coy straightened his arms down by his sides and drew in a sharp breath.

  "I have done my duty," he said.

  I watched as he walked away at a much slower pace than he had approached, then turned my attention back to the envelope. I withdrew the card from inside. The back was plain white, but when I turned it over I saw a carefully drawn crayon Christmas tree. Multicolored swirls created ornaments among the branches and a tilted yellow star seemed so precariously perched on the top that it was tumbling down one side. It was the most wonderful card that I had ever seen. Opening it only affirmed the thought that came into my mind and heart when I saw the drawing. Emotion caught in my throat as I ran my fingers across the word "Charlie" scrawled inside the card, tracing the blend of upper and lower case letters written in alternating red and green crayon.

  "Everyone, I have a very exciting announcement."

  I wiped the tears from my eyes as I turned my attention to Bitsy where she stood on a stack of old wooden crates painted to look like presents. She was grinning out at the crowd, her eyes sparkling. There was a look of pure joy and contentment about her and I felt a pull in my heart, longing to know what that feeling was like. When she felt like enough people were paying attention, she leaned toward us as if she was preparing to tell us a secret.

  "I hear that a special guest has just arrived in the village and would love to visit with us."

  Children gasped and whispered, and I heard parents giggling as the excitement and joy of the season started to build inside of them through the delight of their little ones.

  "Santa!" a little voice called out and I felt myself gasp.

  It sounded familiar, but no matter how much I looked through the group that was making its way toward the little shopping village I didn't see the face that I wanted to see. I knew that even thinking that it could be Charlie was ridiculous. They were far from here, likely celebrating Christmas Eve in his mother's house and getting ready for their Christmas as a family the next day. I drew in a breath, trying to calm the sadness within me by reminding myself of why I made the decision to leave. It had been the hardest thing that I ever had to do, but it was for them. Both of them. I sacrificed the chance that I might have to tell Graham what I was feeling so that they could have the life that they deserved. Though it made my heart ache just to think of it, it was worth it if I could know that they were happy.

  When we reached the village, I saw the workshop building lit up, highlighting the massive chair positioned inside. A few seconds later, a booming voice announced Santa Claus's presence before he stepped out from further in the building. The children gasped and cheered, and I saw several of them scurry toward the building. Santa lowered the huge bag that he was carrying over his shoulder to the table set at the back of the room. He reached into it, getting a glint in his eye as he pretended to struggle to find something inside. After a few seconds he withdrew a gaily wrapped gift. He peeked at the gift tag and called out a name. A little girl let out a short squeal and scurried up to him. Santa leaned down and handed her the gift, offering her a 'Merry Christmas' as she stepped away.

  "Merry Christmas, Santa," she said in a tiny voice, then rushed back to her mother, who cuddled her close.

  I watched as he continued to reach into the bag, pulling out gifts that he distributed to the children. As he handed them out I started to recognize the toys as wishes that were mentioned in the letters to Santa that Graham and I had snatched from Coy's desk. Finally, the bag was empty, and the parents had guided their thrilled children away. I was starting to turn away when Cletus and Boom Boom came up to me.

  "Santa says that he would like to talk to you," Cletus said.

  "What?" I said.

  "Oh, come on," Boom Boom said. "When was the last time that you got to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you wanted for Christmas?"

  I thought back, but my mind wouldn't even go back that far.

  "I don't know," I said.

  "Well, here's your chance. I'll even take a picture. It'll make a great card for next year, and I expect you to send me one."

  I thought of the joy that he had just brought to the children of the hollow and felt a glimmer of the Christmas spirit that I had long ago tucked away appear in my heart.

  "Alright.
"

  I walked toward the house, noticing that Santa was now sitting in the massive chair in the middle of the building. He patted his lap as I approached, and I walked up to him, hesitating for a moment before settling onto his thigh. I felt his hand come to rest on my hip and he pointed with a white-gloved hand toward Cletus who held a huge camera a few feet away. I smiled, and Cletus took a rapid-fire blast of pictures. I was still blinking from the flash as I started to stand from his lap, but I felt his hand press against my hip as if to stop me. I settled back down and looked at him.

  "You didn't tell me what you wanted for Christmas," he said in a low, grumbling voice.

  "There isn't anything that I want," I said.

  "Are you sure?"

  I thought of the card that I had gotten from Charlie and felt tears come to my eyes again.

  "No," I said.

  "What can Santa bring to you?" I couldn't answer. My head hung and out of the corner of my eye I saw him reach for a gift that was tucked beneath the chair. "Maybe this?"

  The grumble was lessening in his voice and I heard a lilt of emotion I wasn't expecting as he handed the gift to me. I took it from him with a slightly shaking hand and removed the glistening silver paper from around a tall, narrow box. A gasp slipped from my lips when I saw what was inside. The pink box was slightly faded, the green rosebuds sprinkled across its surface appearing almost blurry with age, but the plastic film was still intact and clear, revealing with perfect, beautiful doll resting inside. I lifted the lid and realized that I was holding my breath as I touched my fingertip to the golden curls that lay along the doll's delicately flushed porcelain cheek and across the pleated bodice of her pink dress. The slender satin ribbon running through the neckline was the exact color of the mint flowers on the box and matched the pearl button on her pink leather shoes.

  "The doll," I whispered. "Mary Beth. This." I rested my hand over the doll. "This is exactly like the doll I had when I was a little girl."