In the Wake of Wanting

by Lori L. Otto

  Coley’s phone vibrates in her pocket. She shows me the text from Teri.

  - - Most of the sites have taken down the video. Most of the links that have been posted are broken.

  “Well, that’s something,” I say, knowing I should be happy about it, but unable to feel joy about anything right now. “I guess it pays to have good lawyers.” Just as the silence sets in over us, another pounding at my front door jolts us up. “I’ll be glad when today is over.”

  She smiles at me, watching as I answer the door.

  “Mr. Holland. Acting on new evidence from your lawyer, we have issued a warrant for the arrest of Asher Knoxland. I understand you have additional video that we should see.”

  “Yes,” I say simply, letting them in and leading them to my desk. I offer one of them a seat, go back to the beginning where Asher enters the room and hit play. “I’ll let you guys watch. I can’t see it again.”

  “Who is the woman?”

  “Jenny Spencer. She’s my housekeeper.”

  “Does she know you record her working here?”

  “She may not be aware of it now, but she was when she signed the contract when I hired her. I have a record of that.” I walk toward a hall closet where I keep important documents and the safe.

  “We’ll need to see that, if we’re to use this as evidence.” I easily find the paperwork and take it to the officers, moving over to the couch to wait for them to finish their investigation. “Does this have sound?”

  “You don’t need sound,” I snap at them.

  chapter twenty-two

  A few hours later, our parents bring us dinner. I barely touch mine, deciding to wrap it up to save it for later. I apologize to Martin and Beth for my demeanor, but they’re both very gracious and understanding.

  “You’re going to help put him behind bars,” Coley’s father says as we’re all saying goodbye. “As soon as they find him, he’s locked up.”

  “They can’t find him?” Coley asks, her eyes wide.

  “There’s an APB out for him. It’s a matter of time,” her mother says.

  “I just wish Jenny didn’t have to go through what she did for him to be put away. He shouldn’t have been allowed out in the first place.” Martin bows his head in understanding, taking Coley down the hall with him and his ex-wife to talk privately for a second while I stay in the doorway.

  “Trey, honey,” Mom says. “Jenny’s getting help. She doesn’t blame you. She blames herself right now, but we’ll make sure she has access to counseling… we’ll make sure she gets the best treatment. You can go see her later in the week with me and Livvy. I think she would like that.”

  “Just tell me when. I’ll be there.”

  “Okay.” She hugs me close to kiss my cheek. “Don’t beat yourself up.”

  “Listen to your mother,” Dad says with a grin and embraces me tightly. “The police wouldn’t have a case without you and Coley. He could still be out there without the reports from the other women… and his case would be infinitely harder to prove without your video. As far as anyone’s concerned, the kid has dug his own grave with that.”

  “I know,” I say somberly as my girlfriend joins me.

  “Coley, look out for him, okay?” he says, giving her a hug, too. “We’re worried about him.”

  She takes my hand in hers. “Yes, sir.”

  “Get some sleep,” Mom says.

  “I’ll try. Love you,” I say, looking at both of my parents before shutting the door. I glance at the clock on the far wall. “Know what we were doing last night at this time?”

  “I know we weren’t at the Rainbow Room,” she says. “That was a lifetime ago.”

  I sigh as I walk over to the balcony window and examine the pulley by the blinds. “Maybe just for tonight,” I tell her, still feeling like the eyes of the world are on us. It feels claustrophobic in the apartment with the outside world blocked off. “As if I didn’t feel cut off from the world enough today.”

  “Trey, I don’t care if people stare at us outside. If you want to go for a walk or something, let’s go.”

  “Don’t you get it? There’s no walking. There’s an ambush, or there’s a chase. I prefer neither.”

  “I get it,” she says softly.

  “I’m sorry, laureate. I’m tired. I’m… I’m… depleted of every ounce of energy and filter. It’s all gone for the day.”

  “How about that drink?”

  “Yeah, but I’ll get it. Anything for you?”

  “I’ll have one, too, if you don’t mind.”

  “It’s not like you’re going anywhere,” I say with a sarcastic chuckle.

  While I’m in the kitchen pouring, she puts on the soundtrack to her favorite musical. So many times when we’d been working, I’d joked with her and told her she couldn’t play it because I couldn’t concentrate on homework or writing because the music drew all of my attention to it. Tonight, I think she has the right idea.

  Settling into the living room, she sings along with a beautiful voice that had surprised me the first time I heard it. With my drink in hand, my focus on the story and the tuneful harmonies confidently sung by Coley, I start to zone out and put this day behind me.

  The intercom buzzes in the middle of the fourth song. “Want me to get it?” she asks.

  “No, no,” I say, finding it difficult to push the weight of my tired muscles off the couch.

  “Yes, Jerry?”

  “Zaina and Max are here to see you.”

  “Fuck,” I whisper to myself, looking down at the floor and wishing I could tell them to go away, but knowing I don’t have that option. “Send them up.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Coley asks.

  “As far as I’m concerned, this is your home right now, so make yourself comfortable.”

  “Okay, but I’m not comfortable with this scenario at all.”

  “I can’t turn them away, Coley. They flew here from California.”

  “She had to come back through here anyway, right?”

  “Yes, but Max didn’t. I’m sorry…” She nods as she shuts off the music and goes into my bedroom, closing the door behind her.

  I wait with one foot in the hallway until my friends arrive. Zaina is the only one to get off the elevator.

  “Hey,” I say to her. “Where’s Max?”

  “He only came with me in case you wouldn’t see me,” she explains.

  “Zai, come on. You know me better than that.”

  “Do I?” she asks, coming into the apartment. I shut the door and lock it behind us, leaning against it in anticipation of what she has to say next. She turns around and crosses her arms as her eyes fill with tears. “Because I don’t have any clue who that guy in the video I saw online is. Not any clue at all, Tria.”

  “God, Zaina, I am so sorry you saw that. I know I’ve hurt you so much. The last thing I wanted was for you to be confronted with pictures of us…”

  “No, these weren’t pictures–”

  “Zai, I know.”

  “This was full-on erotica. How long have you been with her?”

  “Nothing I say sounds believable anymore,” I tell her. “Last night was our first night together. We obviously have a connection. That’s all I can say.”

  “I…” she starts, leaning against the back of my couch. “I don’t believe that. You’re right. Knowing what I know. Knowing how we were. Knowing what it took to get us there. You wouldn’t even sleep with me for two and a half years, Trey.”

  “That’s because I wanted to wait until I was eighteen, Zaina. Until we were out of high school. I was practical over romantic; I’m sorry.”

  “See? You were practical! Over romantic! But what were you doing with her?”

  “When I felt we were too young to make that kind of decision, yes, I was practical. But I was romantic with you all the time. And if you’re referring to what you saw in that video, I tried to be intimate like that with you, Zai. You had hard lines you didn’t want to cross, and
I always respected them.”

  “You never said that was what you wanted,” she says as she starts to cry into her hands.

  “I never wanted to pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with.”

  “How did you even know what to do with her?!” she yells hysterically. “If that was your first time, how would you even know!?”

  “It’s not rocket science. It’s sex. It’s human nature. Nature, as in it comes naturally. There’s an instinctive quality to it. I don’t know. I just paid attention to her responses–”

  “Do you think I want to hear about her fucking responses, Trey!?”

  “No,” I say meekly, realizing I was answering too honestly. “You just learn by doing. But I swear to you it was our first time. I also have to emphasize, though, that what Coley and I have is totally unlike what you and I shared. I know that’s hard for you to hear and maybe impossible for you to understand, but that’s why you’re having a hard time relating to what you saw in that video.”

  She pushes off the couch and closes the gap between us in less than three seconds; slaps me across the face in less than a second after that. I grab both of her arms and hold her still, looking her in the eyes.

  “You never gave me a chance to be that with you. You allowed me to feel comfortable in our relationship. You let me be complacent.”

  “I let you be yourself,” I argue.

  “I could have been what you needed,” she pleads.

  “It’s not something you work at. Don’t you understand?”

  “That’s what a relationship between two people is, Tria. It’s something you work at, day in, day out.”

  I shake my head. “Not like we were having to work at it. No. It’s not the kind of relationship I want to have.” When she starts to sob, I pull her into my arms and hold her, trying to console her or calm her down. “Zaina, I will always care about you. But it’s over. There is something much better out there for you. I’d bet my life on it.”

  “Just give me one more chance. Tonight. Please? I’ll let you do that. We can do anything you want.” She starts to unbutton my shirt. I grab her shoulders firmly and hold her at arm’s length, then look beyond her to see Coley peeking out at us from my bedroom.

  “Zaina, you’re making a fool out of yourself. She’s here.”

  She lets go of the button and slaps me across the chest instead. “You invited me up here while she was here?”

  “We can’t leave,” I explain. “We can’t go anywhere. I’m not sending her out there in that chaos… but I knew you guys came all this way.”

  She spins around and catches sight of Coley. “You!” I grab onto her arm before she can walk any further toward the bedroom. Coley walks out, though, to make her presence fully known.

  “Zaina, he’s telling you the truth. He was completely faithful to you while you were dating. Our first date was last night. That’s the absolute truth.”

  “You get to stay here again?! I just had to let him go down on me, and then he’d let me stay with him? Did you do the same for him? I bet you did…”

  “Zai,” I say, “that’s ridiculous. And she doesn’t have to answer to you. I’m sorry. You don’t have any claims on me anymore. No rights to me. No access to me, in fact. I did the courteous thing by letting you up, but… I need you to go. Have Max split a cab home with you. I’m sure the paparazzi are loving this.”

  “That’s it?” she asks.

  “I don’t see any good coming of this,” I admit. “You’re dredging up details and asking personal questions with answers you’re not privy to. I have a personal life without you now. So, yeah. I guess this is it.”

  “Fine,” she says as she storms through the door. “Consider yourself down two friends, then. Max is on my side!”

  “Max is like my brother, Zai.” I shrug my shoulders. “He’s at every holiday and major event my family has, so… Max and I will be fine. I’m okay with him being there for you, though. He’s always been a good friend to me.”

  “I hate you and your stupid diplomacy.” It’s the last thing she says before slamming the door behind her.

  I huff aloud as Coley puts her hand on my tense shoulder. “I guess that’s one thing to hate me for. It’s an odd choice, though, really.”

  “It is,” she says, smiling. “Come sit back down.” Taking my hand in hers, she leads the way back to the couch, practically pushes me into it, and gives the drink to me. “Please try to relax.”

  “I was before.”

  “I know.” Her fingers knead into my right shoulder.

  “Oh, man, that’s the shit. Sorry. That feels good.” She kicks off her shoes and stands on the couch, stepping behind me with one leg and getting comfortable sitting against the back of the sofa.

  “Is this gonna hold?”

  “Yeah,” I mumble as I lean forward a little, allowing the tension to release under her soothing massage. “Laws of physics, etcetera. God, you’re good at this, laureate.”

  “Thank you.” The music starts playing again. “Can you put that on the coffee table?” she asks, handing me her phone.

  I set it down and pick up her drink. “Need any?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Okay.” I take another sip of mine and keep it in my grip.

  “So, what we did on the couch last night…” she begins. I nod my head, the memory now marred from what I saw on Matty’s phone. She looked beautiful, but no one should have seen her naked body but me. “You never did that with Zaina? You don’t have to tell me, but she brought it up…”

  “She was too self-conscious. She had no reason to be. It wasn’t something she ever really wanted to discuss, and I was never one to push the issue, so... no, we never did it.”

  “And then the reverse was true?”

  I take another drink–this, a bigger one. “Yep.”

  “Zaina was the only girl you’d ever been with though, right?”

  “That’s right.”

  “So no one had ever given you a blow job until last night?”

  “Wow, I was pretty certain I gave away that little tidbit of information last night.”

  “Your appreciation was obvious,” she says with a pitiful laugh, “but that’s just sad.”

  “And now I fully understand how sad. It was one thing only hearing how good it was. Having experienced it, though? I’m sold. I’d like to keep that on the menu.”

  She stops rubbing my shoulders and tips my head back. Coley cocks her head slightly, but the upside-down kiss is still awkward and erotic in its own way. It could also have something to do with the fact that her toes are digging into my groin, I’m not sure. I stop her so I can put my drink down, but decide to pull her off the back of the couch as I lie against the cushion. She lays her body on top of mine and returns to the kiss.

  “If you want to remove any items of clothing, we take it to the bedroom first,” she states.

  “Understood.”

  Tonight, our affection is more casual and lazy. It’s how I’d wanted to spend my morning with her. After awhile, I tuck my hands down her tight jeans. After she leans up to unbutton and unzip them, I get a more comfortable grip on her ass, dipping beneath her underwear.

  “I have never felt skin as soft as yours,” I comment as I guide her body to move with mine.

  “I love lotion, in general. And you’ll think I’m an OCD sunscreen freak when we go swimming outdoors,” she admits. “I’m terrified of the sun. I apply it every thirty minutes.”

  “We’ll be a pair. I have to apply it every thirty minutes,” I explain, “lest I want to look the color of your notebook.” I didn’t notice she had it out, but the Let’s Dance cover jumps out at me from across the room. “I’ll be happy to help reapply lotion anytime.”

  “I would like that. I put it on after every shower.”

  I close my eyes and hungrily kiss her, deeper. She whimpers into my mouth as her legs slide off of mine to either side of them. “Bedroom or shower?” I ask as her hips
thrust into me.

  A quasi-rhythmic drumming on my door interrupts us.

  “Son of a bitch…”

  “Can we just not answer?”

  “It’s Max.”

  “Trey!” he hollers from the hallway.

  “With Zaina again?” Coley asks.

  “I hope not.” I nudge her to let me up. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” She fastens her jeans while I walk to the entrance.

  I check through the peephole before opening the door for my friend. Expecting another rant, I square off in front of him.

  “I didn’t come for that,” he says, nodding to my erection. I hurry to straighten out my shirt, which had somehow managed to become tucked into my jeans while we were making out. “Can I come in?” He’s wearing a backpack over his winter coat.

  “Sure.”

  “Hey,” he says as he waves to Coley.

  “Hi,” she says back to him. “You’re Max?”

  “The one and only. Coley, I presume…”

  “Oh, so you’ve heard of me?” she says, keeping the conversation light.

  “Oh, I’d recognize you anywhere.” Coley tentatively brings her arms up, crossing them in front of her body.

  “Too soon, Max,” I correct him, then look over to my girlfriend. “This one has no boundaries,” I explain. “But he’s not interested in anything you have to offer.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” she says.

  “Now, don’t say that, Trey,” Max cuts in. “If you’re gonna dump my best friend for her, I’m interested in what she has to offer you. That’s why I’m here. My flight’s at seven in the morning, but I wanted to meet her before I go back to California.”

  “Coley, Max. Max, Coley.”

  Max picks up Coley’s drink from the coffee table, smelling it first, and then taking a drink. “Needs more bourbon, but sure, I’ll have one. Thanks.”

  “That was hers,” I say.

  “Get her another,” he adds, drinking the rest of it and sitting down on the recliner.

  “Since when do you drink?”

  “Everything in moderation. Have a seat, Coley.”

  “Oookay,” she says, hesitant. She takes the end of the couch farthest away from Max. That’s not gonna work.