Friendship According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  There’s school on Sunday, too? Gee, you learn something new every day.

  The kids all put brightly wrapped presents on a table. Most of them said hello to me. Then Aldo said, “Step right up and play the most amazing games on earth!”

  Each of the booths along the wall featured a different activity. Richie’s dad had a booth where the kids tossed rings at empty soda bottles. If three rings landed over the bottles, you got a pink ticket.

  Cousin Mark’s booth featured a game where you threw a small basketball through a hoop. You got a pink ticket for each basket made.

  In Grandpa Rinaldi’s booth, you had to knock little bowling pins down with a ball. If you knocked them all down, you got a pink ticket.

  Closest to me was Maria’s booth. She had a flowered scarf on her head and a big glass ball in front of her. “Come, hear Madame Maria tell your fortune,” she called to the crowd.

  Madame Maria told Mandy that in the future, she would eat “much popcorn.” (I think she already had.) Then Maria told Kirk that in the future, he would have a lot of fun. Kirk always does!

  There was so much noise in Richie’s basement, I was tempted to go into my sleeping house for some peace and quiet. But I didn’t want to miss any of the fun.

  Then—uh-oh—I noticed someone not having fun. Heidi Hopper was on her way to the basketball booth when Big Mean Bean stood in front of her, blocking her way. She moved to the right to go around him. Marty moved to the right and blocked her.

  “What’s your hurry?” he asked in a nasty voice.

  Heidi moved to the left to go around him. Marty moved to the left and blocked her.

  “Say the magic word,” said Marty.

  “Please,” Heidi said in a soft voice.

  “Can’t hear you!”

  “Please!” Heidi spoke much louder now.

  Marty sneered. “That’s not the magic word. Guess again.”

  Once more, Heidi tried to go around him and he stopped her. She was almost in tears. This was unsqueakable behavior!

  “Let her go!” I yelled. Not that anyone could hear a small hamster over all the hubbub.

  Suddenly, Gail appeared out of nowhere. “Stop it, Marty!” she said, and she pushed him out of the way. She grabbed Heidi’s hand and pulled her toward the fortune-telling booth. “Come on, Heidi.”

  Marty stood there with his mouth wide open. I could hardly believe what I’d seen myself. First of all, I thought Gail was mad at Heidi. Second of all, no younger kid had ever dared to push Marty before. Especially not a girl. Gail’s a lot stronger than she looks.

  “Yoo-hoo, ladies! Fortunes told! Let Madame Maria tell you what your future will bring!”

  Heidi and Gail looked at one another.

  “Step this way,” Maria called to them.

  The two girls scurried over to her booth and sat down as Maria stared into the glass ball.

  “You will be best friends forever,” Maria predicted. Hooray! Heidi and Gail looked happy with their fortunes. As they walked away, I heard Gail say, “I’m sorry I said you were a cheater. I was wrong.”

  “I’m sorry I called you a crybaby,” said Heidi.

  They didn’t seem to know what else to say, until Mandy raced up and asked if they’d tried the ring toss yet. The three of them hurried off to the booth. Those old, gold friends, Heidi and Gail, were back together at last.

  Meanwhile, Marty seemed puzzled by the whole incident. He stood motionless, watching the other partygoers pairing off and having fun together. I guess Aldo was watching, because he marched over to him and said, “If you need something to do, I could use some help giving out prizes.”

  Marty didn’t answer.

  “Or would you rather be with your friends? You do have friends, don’t you, Marty?”

  Marty stood like a statue, staring at Aldo.

  “You know, Marty, if you stopped pushing everybody around, people might start liking you. So why don’t you come over and do something nice, like handing out prizes?”

  Aldo didn’t wait for an answer. He put his hand on Marty’s shoulder and marched him to the Prize Booth.

  Meanwhile, Richie and Seth cheered on Tabitha as she got three baskets in a row. Smiley the bear was nowhere in sight.

  After Miranda and Sayeh had each earned a handful of pink tickets, they headed for the Prize Booth. But when they saw Marty there, they stopped in their tracks.

  “I’m not going over there if he’s there,” said Miranda. “He’d probably steal my tickets.”

  A.J. and Art were already at the Prize Booth, trying to choose from the assortment of little puzzles, paddles with balls attached, and funny cardboard glasses with eyeballs painted on them. Aldo and Marty stood behind the prize table.

  “Hurry up and take something,” Marty said in a gruff voice. He tried to stuff the glasses in A.J.’s hand. “Move it along.”

  Aldo nudged Marty. “Give them a chance to decide what they want, Marty,” he suggested. “How about a train whistle?” he asked, holding up a big wooden whistle in the shape of a train.

  “Maybe,” said A.J.

  “Paddleball is always good,” said Art. “I’ll take that.”

  “Good choice,” Marty mumbled.

  “I’ll take the whistle,” A.J. decided. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” It sounded strange to hear Mean Martin Bean say those words.

  Kirk rushed to the Prize Booth with a handful of tickets.

  “Well, if it isn’t Kirk the Jer—” Marty stopped himself before he finished.

  “Kirk the Basketball King!” said Aldo. “Pick a prize.”

  Kirk had enough tickets to get a flower with a bulb attached that could squirt water.

  “Good choice,” said Marty. His voice sounded different. I guess he wasn’t used to saying nice things.

  At last, Sayeh and Miranda, who had been watching Marty, finally came forward, clutching their prize tickets.

  “Ladies, come get your prizes,” said Aldo. “Marty will help you. He likes to help. Right, Marty?”

  “Here are some key chains,” Marty told the girls as they nervously stepped forward. “Or maybe you’d like this tic-tac-toe game.”

  Miranda and Sayeh were obviously surprised that Marty was acting like a human being is supposed to act, but they handed over their tickets.

  “Thanks, Marty,” said Miranda, taking the key chain.

  Aldo grinned. So did Marty.

  Everybody was having such a good time, I was tempted to open the lock-that-doesn’t-lock and join the fun.

  While I was thinking it over, Aldo blew a whistle and asked everybody to come to the “center ring” for the big show.

  As I watched my classmates rush for their chairs, I realized that I had an excellent hamster’s-eye view of the center of the ring. There was no need to plan an escape after all.

  Once everyone settled down, Aldo took center stage and waved his top hat dramatically. “Ladiezzzz and gentlemen, get ready to be dazzled by the one, the only, the Amazing Magic Mitch!”

  Amazing Magic Mitch turned out to be a tall, skinny man also wearing a top hat. His long blond hair touched his shoulders. He had on an oversized black jacket with a red-and-white striped T-shirt and wore huge red-rimmed glasses.

  Aldo applauded and the rest of the audience joined in. Magic Mitch carried a table in one hand and a suitcase in the other. He put the suitcase on the table and pulled out a large black wand.

  Now I understood. Amazing Magic Mitch was a magician! I’d heard about magic shows, but I’d never seen one before. My whiskers started to quiver as the act began.

  He talked the whole time he performed his act. TALK-TALK-TALK! First, he started out with a card trick. He brought A.J. out of the audience and asked him to pick a card, memorize it and return it to the deck. The magician mixed up the cards and asked A.J. to pick another card. The card A.J. selected this time happened to be the EXACT card he had picked the first time!

  “Think it’s a trick deck?”
asked the magician.

  “Yes,” A.J. answered.

  So Magic Mitch called Tabitha out of the audience. He asked her and A.J. to check the deck of cards to see that everything was normal. It was! Then Tabitha had to pick a card and memorize it. Mitch shuffled the cards all around again. When Tabitha picked another card from the deck—you won’t believe it—it was the exact same card she had picked before!

  Everybody applauded, except me. This guy seemed a little too crafty for me. I decided to keep a close eye on him.

  Magic Mitch asked if he could borrow a coin from somebody. Marty volunteered with a quarter he had in his pocket. Imagine, a grown-up taking a coin from a kid!

  Mitch rolled the coin up into a handkerchief and it disappeared completely, right before our eyes. He shook out the handkerchief, but the quarter was gone! Marty gasped. Somebody should have warned Magic Mitch not to make Mean Bean mad.

  The magician leaned over and asked, “What’s that in your ear?” He reached out to touch Marty’s ear and produced a quarter: the same one Marty had given him!

  Now, I ask you, how can a coin disappear into thin air and then turn up in somebody’s ear? This guy was CHEATING-CHEATING-CHEATING!

  Next, Magic Mitch had the nerve to ask if the birthday boy had gotten any paper money for his birthday. Richie came up and gave the magician a brand-new dollar bill. You won’t believe what Magic Mitch did with that dollar bill. He folded it all up, took out a pair of scissors and cut it into small pieces! That’s the rudest thing I’ve ever seen. Even Og wouldn’t do something like that. Richie’s eyes were practically popping out of his head as Magic Mitch took the pieces of the dollar, put them in his fist and waved a magic wand. Nothing happened.

  “I forgot to say the magic words!” he exclaimed. “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, you will see the money grow!” This time, when he opened his hand, the dollar bill was back, all in one piece again.

  Thank goodness, or I think Richie would have been pretty angry!

  Magic Mitch asked Sayeh and Mandy to help him with a trick where he cut up a rope, did some hocus-pocus and returned it in one piece.

  And Art helped him make a glass of water disappear under a handkerchief. I mean a whole glass of water!

  I would not invite this man to my house for dinner, I can tell you.

  Everybody seemed to like the show, though. They gasped and clapped at everything he did.

  Finally, he announced the Big Moment! “Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the show, I usually make a rabbit appear out of my hat. But today, my rabbit is on strike. So I’m going to borrow your class hamster for this amazing trick.”

  It took me a few seconds to realize that the class hamster was—gulp—me! Richie came over to my cage and gently picked me up, cupping me in his hands.

  “Don’t be scared, Humphrey. It’s only a trick,” he whispered.

  I knew that, but I didn’t want to be cut up in pieces or disappear into thin air. No wonder the rabbit went on strike.

  “Since Humphrey is already here, I can’t pull him out of my hat. So instead, I will make him disappear into my hat!”

  Magic Mitch first held his hat upside down and let anyone who wanted to come up and inspect it. Everybody agreed it appeared to be an ordinary hat.

  Mitch took me from Richie and put me in the hat. It was DARK-DARK-DARK inside and I have to admit, I don’t like dark places.

  As he dropped me down, he pulled something with his finger and I dropped into a secret compartment at the top of the hat. A false bottom came down over my head. I was trapped in a dark, scary place.

  I could hear Magic Mitch’s muffled voice saying, “Abracadabra, Humphrey dear. I will make you disappear!”

  Whoa! The magician turned the hat all the way over. Now I was laying on my back, feeling a little seasick.

  “Humphrey! Where are you?” Magic Mitch called out.

  He shook the hat to show that it was empty. Except it wasn’t.

  “Oooh,” I squeaked weakly as I bounced up and down, trapped in this stuffy cave.

  I guess nobody heard me, not even Magic Mitch.

  I could hear the sounds of kids gasping and shuffling around in their seats.

  “Where’s Humphrey?” I heard A.J. ask.

  “Beats me,” said Magic Mitch. He turned the hat around and put it on his head. “Want to see another trick?”

  “Bring back Humphrey!” Richie said, in a voice as loud as A.J.’s.

  “Humphrey who?” asked the magician. He started to do another trick. I couldn’t see what he was doing, since I was completely in the dark.

  Well, if Magic Mitch wasn’t going to do anything about getting me out of that hat, I was going to do something for myself.

  When I squinted my eyes, I could see a pinpoint of light above me. If I could see light, there must be an opening there. I crouched in the little space and reached up with my paws. I pushed. And I scratched. And I pushed some more. I may be small, but I’m strong for a hamster.

  I could hear Magic Mitch repeating, “Now you see it, now you don’t. Which shell has the pea under it?”

  “Bring back Humphrey!” more voices shouted, but Mitch ignored them.

  Now I could see a lot more light. The top of the hat was opening from all my pushing. There was a space barely big enough for me to squeeze through. I pushed myself up with all my might and popped right out of the top of the hat! I could see my friends from Room 26, Richie’s relatives, and also Marty Bean all staring up at me!

  Magic Mitch kept going even though nobody paid attention to him.

  There was giggling, pointing, nudging and nodding. The giggling turned to chuckling, chortling, laughing and howling!

  “Now you see it . . . now you don’t.” Mitch sounded confused. “Folks? Are you paying attention?”

  I could hear my name being whispered around.

  I stood up very tall as everyone stared at me. “Greetings, one and all!” I squeaked as loudly as I could.

  This produced shrieks of laughter. I took a bow.

  The audience members began to shout my name. They stamped their feet and clapped their hands as they chanted, “Hum-phrey! Hum-phrey! Hum-phrey!”

  “Okay.” The magician sounded quite annoyed. “I’ll bring him back!”

  He took his hat off and there I was, eyeball to eyeball with Magic Mitch. He looked very pale. “What are you doing? You’ve ruined my whole show!”

  “It’s my show now,” I squeaked to him.

  “Next time, I’m bringing the rabbit,” he said glumly.

  Nobody else heard him because all my friends continued to clap, stomp and cheer.

  Aldo quickly entered the ring and said, “Let’s have a big round of applause for the Amazing Magic Mitch!”

  Mitch waved his magic hat—which now had a hole in the top—and hurried away from Richie’s basement as fast as he could.

  The crowd kept applauding and cheering. I knew they were cheering for me.

  “A friend is a present you give yourself.”

  Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish novelist and poet

  13

  Show Business, Snow Business

  My classmates were still talking about the party on Monday. Even Mrs. Brisbane chuckled when Richie told the whole story of my triumphant appearance.

  But there was something else to talk about: Og’s surprise.

  Bert Brisbane had built Og a genuine swimming pool! Instead of a large bowl of water, a whole section of the glass box was water, while the rest of it was built up all around with lush green plants.

  It was a terrific surprise and I felt just a tiny pang of green-eyed jealousy. Then I noticed that Og’s grin looked more like a real smile this time. I guess we’d both had good weekends after all.

  After everyone admired the swimming pool, Mrs. Brisbane got down to business. “The Poetry Festival is less than two weeks away. We’ve got to finalize our selections, memorize the poems, finish the artwork and make our Valentine’s Day mailboxes.”<
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  From that moment on, there was a mad flurry of activity. Some students retreated to the cloakroom to memorize their poems. Others drew pictures for the bulletin board while another group made valentine mailboxes using glue, glitter, paint, crayons, buttons, lace and stickers.

  Don’t worry. Mrs. Brisbane didn’t forget to teach us math, science, geography, social studies and spelling. (Believe me, she’d never do that.) But in between, my classmates worked like crazy on poetry and valentines. Our room mothers, Mrs. Hopper and Mrs. Patel, came in to help for two days.

  At night, it was just Og and me in Room 26. I wondered what he had done at the Brisbanes’ house over the weekend as I watched him swimming and diving in his new pool. He could make a lot more noise splashing around in it. Each night, I got a little more annoyed, until one night I realized why. Here we were, side by side, but I still felt lonely. We had communicated a little and he’d helped me once, but I still wasn’t sure if we were friends.

  It was time to find out. I opened the lock-that-doesn’t-lock. Gathering up my courage, I walked over to his glass house and said, “Hello, Og.”

  Abruptly, Og turned toward me. I must admit, my hamster heart skipped a beat. Was he going to leap at me again?

  “Look, maybe I haven’t been much of a pal to you, Og. Maybe I was even a little jealous. But I’d like to try again.”

  This time, instead of leaping, he dove into the water with a gigantic SPLASH! The water splashed up to the top of the box, through the screen, onto my nice, dry fur! And if there’s one thing hamsters hate, it’s wet fur. My usually fluffy golden coat was drippy, droopy and dull. If Og was looking for attention, he was about to get it.

  “Thanks for nothing, Og,” I squeaked. “I just want you to know that I have a million friends, so I don’t really care if you’re my friend or not. So, if you’re thinking you should be my pal, just forget it!”

  Og just stared at me with that same old smile.

  “And remember that time you leaped at me?” I continued. “You didn’t even scare me.”

  Not wanting to press my luck, I scampered back into my cage. I’d finally told him off, but I didn’t feel better. Not one bit.