Although he knew she’d use this as one more way to blame him for everything.
Now the divorce was final, their house sold, their assets divided, his previously secure financial situation down the shitter…
And he was the bad guy all the way around.
There’d been red flags early on with Sarah. He’d ignored them, loving her and naively thinking she was being open with him, the way he was being open with her. They’d had fun. It’d felt good being with her.
A frog in a slowly simmering pot of water, he hadn’t realized it was boiling until after he’d been cooked.
Lynn probably hates me.
He wouldn’t blame her in the least.
He hated himself right now, too.
Chapter Three
Standing in front of the mirror Friday morning, Lynn practiced smiling. She’d had anything but a good night, dreams of Paul plaguing her.
The sound that would haunt her until her dying day, as fresh in her head as if it happened yesterday and not two years earlier.
Dreams of losing him in ways even worse than the reality had played out.
Last night had hit her hard, but she knew if she didn’t go today, Terrie would be calling her out on it and ordering her to go.
Lynn loved her for it. Intellectually, she knew Terrie was right. Sitting at home and pining away wasn’t healthy. Not only had Lynn cut herself off from the world, she’d cut herself off from the group of people she considered friends and needed most right now.
If nothing else, she needed to get out and let her emotional wounds get some air and begin to heal. Staying at home alone and picking at it wouldn’t accomplish anything but making her emotional scars worse in the long run.
Much like the fresh scars on her thighs, a secret she hid even from Terrie, a coping mechanism she’d started as a teenager and one Paul had helped her stop doing. One she’d started doing again in the aftermath, and had only recently managed to curb. Again.
She’d used to enjoy volunteering at the club, helping out.
Celebrating other people’s happiness.
Now she wasn’t living life so much as just going through the motions, and she felt that. Knew that.
Terrie’s accusations of her self-medicating with work were right on the nose. If she could bury herself in fictional worlds where things turned out exactly the way she’d planned them, she didn’t have to think about her own life.
Using the excuse it was about earning a living was utter bullshit, and even she saw that.
Two years.
Two fucking years.
Throwing herself into another relationship wasn’t going to happen, no. But she had friends. Rachel’s brother would need friends locally if he ended up moving down here, people he could turn to who wouldn’t judge him.
Lynn knew the least she could do was be one of those friends. The little brother she’d never had. Adopted family, the only kind she had.
She’d survived the Suncoast Society munch last month. She could survive this gathering, too.
Baby steps.
Each one she took might hurt like hell at first, but she knew if she gritted her teeth and kept on, pushed through the pain, maybe one day she wouldn’t notice the pain, no matter how deeply and strongly it remained buried inside her soul.
She had all day to prepare herself for tonight. She’d use that time well to drag her mask firmly into place and staple it to her damn face if she had to.
She wouldn’t break down tonight.
Would.
Not.
This wasn’t about her. Tonight was all about welcoming Justin and helping Rachel talk him into seriously considering moving to Florida.
Vinnie jumped up onto the bathroom vanity and loudly meowed at her.
Lynn picked her up and snuggled her. “Hey, sweetie. You ready to do some work today, you slacker?”
Vinnie meowed at her again, and Lynn set her down. As Lynn walked past the spare bedroom that was her office, she pulled up short.
“Oh, you little shit.”
Scattered across her office floor were sheets of paper knocked off her desk, some of them chewed.
Vinnie twined herself around Lynn’s legs and loudly meowed.
“You realize I’m not on your work schedule, right? That doesn’t give you the right to chew my notes just because I’m not at my desk when you want me to be.”
The cat was an angel…except when bored. Then, she’d chew and shred paper. Surprisingly, she never used her claws on Lynn’s furniture, just the scratching post she’d bought for the cat when she was a kitten. She never missed her litter pan. Even the rare times when she barfed, Vinnie always did it on a solid surface, not on carpet or in a shoe or something.
“Meow.”
Lynn reached down and scooped the cat into her arms. “Okay, I’ve hit a new low. I’m having serious conversations with you. Terrie’s right. I need to get out more.”
* * * *
It was far more than a mere baby step for Lynn to drive herself to Venture that evening. She wanted the ability to leave if things got too tough for her. She’d begged out of eating dinner with everyone before going to the club by using the excuse that she had work to do. That was an excuse Terrie might not totally buy, but it was technically still a weeknight, and Lynn had attended the collaring the night before.
Terrie would give her a pass on it this time.
Lynn had renewed her membership the night before, even though it hadn’t been required, so tonight her check-in was fast. After paying her nightly fee and getting a wristband, she headed inside.
Lynn had no sooner walked through the office door and into the playspace than Terrie caught sight of her and headed over to greet her.
“Thought I was going to have to come looking for you,” Terrie gently scolded.
“You know better than that, momma bear. I wouldn’t make you do that. You’d never let me live it down.”
“Damn straight. Come meet Justin.” She hooked an arm through Lynn’s. “He’s really sweet,” she said, dropping her voice. “If you have any names you can pitch to Rachel and Andrew to maybe fix Justin up with, they’re open to suggestions.”
“The only ones I can think of are Glen and Wade, but aren’t they a couple?”
“Hmm. I think they’re poly, though. Still, they’d be great as friends for him. Maybe they can fix him up with dates.”
“You know, there are dating apps for matching singles.”
“Yeah, and since when do we toss someone we consider extended family to the wolves like that?”
The young man sitting at a table with Rachel and Andrew had to be Justin because Lynn immediately spotted the familial resemblance. Both had the same shade green eyes and brown hair. When Justin stood for the introductions by Rachel, Lynn noticed he was about three inches taller than her own five six.
He offered up a tentative, nervous smile that she could empathize with all too easily. “Nice to meet you, Lynn. You must be the writer Rache and Andy told me about.”
Lynn smiled back. “Guilty as charged. Don’t worry. I always change names and identifying information to protect the guilty.”
The well-worn comment earned her the expected smile and laugh.
Might as well get it out of the way because if she didn’t say it, someone else would.
They always did.
“So what do you write?” he asked as they sat down with the others.
“Oh, a lot of things. Fiction and non-fiction.” She rattled off her usual litany of genres, fiction first. But when she reached her last non-fiction category, he surprised her.
“You write game modules?”
“Guilty. I’ve been a geek since high school.”
“That is really cool. I play every week with some friends up in Vermillion.” Before Lynn realized it, the two of them were monopolizing the conversation, the others falling silent and watching them with amused expressions.
Lynn finally came up for air nearly an hour late
r. “Sorry,” she said. “I don’t get to talk about that part of my writing career very often.”
“Why not?” Justin asked. “I think that’s awesome.”
“I write those, and the software tutorials, under a pseudonym. L.N. Durran. Early on, I wondered if I would take a hit if people thought I was a woman, so I decided to go with a generic pen name. I write fiction under a couple of different pen names, depending on the genre.”
“Is it hard to write non-fiction and then fiction?”
“Not really. Different parts of my brain are needed, is all. I don’t usually write both of them at the same time, although I’ll keep notes for game modules or computer tutorials in a notebook. Then, once I’m ready to start writing that, I’ll switch to working on that and not work on any fiction, except edits, until I’m done with the project.”
“That’s great.”
“There’s a couple of people in our group who play D and D,” she said. “They keep inviting me to join them, but…I haven’t felt much like socializing lately. I’ll have to contact them and see if they’re still playing an active campaign and if we can join them.”
“That would be awesome.”
As more people arrived, Terrie managed to ease Lynn away from the group and tossed her a knowing smirk. “Two years I’ve been trying to get you to join Rusty and Eliza’s game group,” she said, her voice low. “Two. Fricking. Years. They’ve asked you several times.”
“Yeah, well, I’m stubborn and slow.
Terrie snorted. “You are that, girlfriend.”
* * * *
Either everyone was fairly clued in to Lynn’s mood or Terrie had managed to warn them all during dinner. No one mentioned Paul, much to Lynn’s relief. She actually found herself relaxing, enjoying the conversations and catching up with others, finally settling in and remembering the things she’d loved about being a part of the Venture community.
Justin seemed to be enjoying himself, Lynn was glad to see. Terrie had caught Lynn up on what she knew about his situation. He hadn’t yet received any job offers from the places he’d applied to, and he really didn’t want to start another job that would keep him in South Dakota for another term. But he either had to move to Florida—not really in his budget—or take the job.
Lynn felt bad for him. Having grown up in foster care and not having any siblings of her own, she knew it must be hard on Rachel and Justin not being able to see each other very often. Especially now, with Rachel and Andrew on the road to happiness.
I wish I could just hit the freaking lottery and help my friends out.
She and Terrie each played five sets of Powerball numbers every Saturday night. So far, they’d both won four dollars several times, but nothing more. They’d swore if they won they’d share it with the other.
It was a nice dream, even though they understood that, realistically, they had far better chances of being struck by lightning in Florida than they did of being struck with a winning lottery ticket.
As the evening wore on, Lynn couldn’t help but notice Glen and Wade seemed to spend a lot of time talking to Justin. At one point, Lynn pulled Terrie aside again.
“You seeing what I’m seeing?”
Terrie grinned. “Yep. Like a house on fire.”
“Can we use a better analogy than that?”
“That’s why you’re the writer. They’re talking about getting together tomorrow night at Sigalo’s before coming back here. You in?”
Lynn looked around. Some familiar people, but far more strangers.
There’d been a time when she might not have known everyone’s name, but she would have at least recognized almost everyone’s faces.
Romance wasn’t in her future. Neither was play. Maybe, eventually, as a top for fun with someone, but she was done thinking she’d ever have another boyfriend, much less another Dominant.
Her heart couldn’t take it.
“Yeah, I haven’t been to Sigalo’s in a long time.” It had been part of her and Paul’s regular routine, to eat at Sigalo’s with their friends before going to the club.
And then after time at the club, they’d go back to her place to finish off their play evening with the kind of fun things they couldn’t do at the club.
Lynn shut off that line of thinking and nodded. “Yes. I’ll go tomorrow.”
“Want us to pick you up?”
“Let me drive myself. Just in case.”
“Okay.”
It was close to eleven when Lynn said her good-byes and headed for her car. As she drove home, she focused on breathing, on her life now, on the nearly unending list of projects and writing ideas awaiting her at home in the EWLE.
Focused on how happy Justin seemed by the time she’d left, still getting along great with Glen and Wade.
Maybe he’d find his own happy ending—literally and metaphorically—with those two.
A story idea came to her, and she grabbed her phone, making a voice note to herself so she could transcribe it when she got home.
I need a life. I can’t just sit at home.
It might not be the life she’d wanted, but it was the only one she had. She needed to make the most she could of it.
Chapter Four
When Paul left work Friday evening, he went home and nuked a microwaveable dinner. Then he sat on the couch to eat and browse on his laptop. Pulling up Venture’s website, he saw they were open tonight for a 101 class, followed by an open session after.
I shouldn’t go.
If he was going to do anything, he should search for his gonads and work up the courage to face Lynn. At the very least, to apologize to her. That was something he needed to do before he made any appearances around their old joint stomping grounds. The last thing he wanted was for word to get back to Lynn via a third person that he’d been seen with their mutual friends and hadn’t made an attempt to contact her.
She probably hated him, and he’d accept that, even though it would gut him. He totally deserved it, though.
Worse, to see that she was happy and had moved on, another knife in his heart. His own damn fault.
Get it over with.
He hated feeling so fucking weak and whiny. He knew damn well she wouldn’t lack for Dominants who’d love a chance to be with her. She had a wide circle of friends and a personality that everyone loved.
He’d been proud to be with her. To have collared her and to have her as his submissive. She’d been content with the arrangement they had, not trying to disrupt his marriage, and having her own independent life besides him.
It’d been the perfect arrangement for them both, not just as lovers and play partners, but as friends, too.
Best friends. Most of the time they’d spent together hadn’t even been in bed, just vanilla stuff.
And then…
He’d thrown himself on the sword.
In the end, all he’d done was create a wider swath of destruction. He’d been afraid Sarah would kill herself in the beginning, when the full extent of her issues finally seeped to the surface during her breakdown.
Deciding that going to Venture right now wouldn’t be the smartest move, he pulled up Facebook, having to first reset his password. It’d been that long since he’d used it, one of Sarah’s countless and ever-increasing triggers being him interacting with people on social media. Anyone who might possibly be mutual friends with Lynn.
Her assuming any communication he had outside her ken must be with Lynn, regardless of what he said.
Insisting she trusted him, but didn’t trust Lynn, which was illogical on a number of levels. But any time he tried to point that out to Sarah, she went ballistic and a fight ensued. Accusations that he was taking Lynn’s side instead of hers.
It had been a battle he’d run out of energy to fight.
He went in and unblocked Lynn’s personal and writing profiles, the only two names on his blocked list.
Then he went to look at Sarah’s profile. They were still friends on there. He also realized she s
till hadn’t removed him from her profile as her husband, and a quick scan through her timeline totally lacked any mention of their divorce.
In fact, it creepily appeared as if she was pretending all was normal with them, based on the wording of her status updates.
He figured out how to remove himself from Sarah’s profile as her husband, which also took her off his profile. Next, he changed his status to being divorced and single. With the cursor hovering over the option for a moment, Paul clicked Unfriend. After thinking about it for another moment, he went ahead and blocked Sarah.
He wouldn’t put it past her to stalk his online activities. She practically lived on Facebook on her phone.
I wonder how long before I get a nasty text or phone call from her when she realizes I’m not on there anymore.
Lynn’s personal Facebook profile was filled with the same kinds of memes and news she always used to post, mostly positive and funny. If she still did things the way she used to, her personal news was set to friends-only. Her writing profile was, as always, her book news, humor, and related items.
One of his friends from high school, Tim, was online. Someone else he hadn’t talked to in over a year and who’d been mutual friends with Lynn. Someone who’d also been among their circle of friends from the Suncoast Society and Venture.
Fuck it. Paul sent him a private message.
Long time, no chat. How are you doing?
It was a couple of minutes before Paul received the timestamp that Tim had read it.
Then Tim replied.
What’s up?
Paul hesitated. What he wanted to do was ask Tim about Lynn.
Instead, he opted for a sanitized version of the truth.
Just trying to get in touch with people. Sarah and I divorced, and I moved, and now I’m reconnecting with everyone.
Tim read it almost immediately, but there was a delay before he replied.
Sorry to hear that. About the divorce. If you want to talk, my cell number’s the same. Wife and kids are out shopping right now and I’m not busy.
Thanks. Let me get my phone.
Beware Falling Rocks [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) Page 3