Paul hadn’t really planned to get into a deep discussion, but a few minutes later, the longer he chatted with Tim, he realized exactly how lonely and empty the past couple of years had been. Fooling himself that he was fine, that he was moving on, doing work around the house, and basically being at Sarah’s beck and call wasn’t exactly a life. He’d lied to himself about the time spent with Sarah, that he was enjoying it, that they were a couple.
Couples were supposed to do things together all the time, right?
Instead, he realized as time went on and little changed except him, he was starting to resent her.
Then he’d sink into a cycle of feeling guilty for feeling like that. That she hadn’t been responsible for her behavior. Hell, anyone who had to use a paper chart of emotions to figure out if they were angry or sad wasn’t exactly a functional adult.
The longer they chatted Paul realized he felt simultaneously better and worse. He was reconnecting with a friend.
It only emphasized the converse—everything he’d sacrificed.
He almost didn’t catch Tim’s next statement. “I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks, but as far as I know, Lynn’s still single.”
Paul didn’t know how to respond at first. “Oh.”
“Still lives in the same place.”
He swallowed hard. “Is…she okay?”
“We’ve known each other since ninth grade, Paul. Cut the bullshit. She’s not okay. She hasn’t been okay since you left. I wouldn’t go showing up around here until you rebuild a few bridges first, if I were you. If Tilly doesn’t take your balls off, Terrie’s liable to.”
Paul threw his head back against the couch. “I didn’t want to do it,” he said. “I didn’t want to end things with her. It was a bad situation all the way around.”
“And Lynn paid for it.”
“She’s not the only one.”
“Hey, dude, I don’t honestly care. Neither does anyone else who knows her. We’ve seen what’s happened to her over the past two years. Let’s just say she’s not as good at dealing with things as Tilly was.”
Shit. He rubbed at his forehead, a headache threatening. “Should I call her?”
Definitely not the territory he wanted to get into in this conversation, but here he was.
“I would go see her in person, if I were you. But I think she and Terrie had plans this weekend, from what I heard. Like I said, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen her.”
Of course she’d have plans with Terrie.
He looked around his apartment. After the past two years of his life and activities being essentially planned for him, he’d resisted doing anything that resembled work outside of work. That meant he looked like he was living in a storage unit instead of an apartment.
“I have a ton of stuff to do this weekend anyway,” Paul said as he surveyed all the boxes. “Maybe I can catch up with her in the next couple of days.”
After talking for a few more minutes, Paul wrapped up the call and then sat there, staring at his old life boxed up and surrounding him.
Then he stood, took his dish to the kitchen, cleaned the sink up, and headed for the nearest box marked “Kitchen.”
Meanwhile, he tried not to think how of how low a state Lynn must have been in if she was worse off than when Cris had left Tilly several years earlier.
Tried not to feel more guilty than he already did.
* * * *
Saturday morning, Lynn awoke with Vinnie laying on her chest and staring into her face.
“Meow.”
“Yeah, good morning to you, too.” She managed to get the cat off her so she could roll out of bed. She wanted to get some things done before heading into her EWLE for a couple of hours to do promos.
I will not feel guilty about tonight.
If she took time off, time away from writing or other work-related tasks, she eventually guilt-tripped herself for it.
Why should she have “fun”?
She wasn’t sure she even knew what the word meant anymore.
There was a long life ahead of her. What she wanted to do was build her nest egg, save her money, and eventually be able to retire and do the things she’d dreamed about, like traveling.
Kids weren’t in her life plan and never had been. She loved Terrie and Mark’s daughters to death, but after her childhood, and then her divorce, she’d decided that she’d rather not have any of her own.
Hunting down any remaining members of her “family” wasn’t in her life plan, either. They could stay anonymous, for all she cared.
That’d been another way she and Paul had been perfect. They met in that quirky little middle section of the Venn diagram that had been their lives. The part Sarah had no interest in, similar interests between them, and a need for their own space and time apart to recharge.
Lynn had no interest in trying to pursue another relationship. Not just because she still loved Paul but because her trust had been shattered. She’d seriously opened herself up to someone, exposed her soft emotional underbelly, and it gutted her.
He hadn’t meant to do it, and she knew he’d hated doing it, but the end result was the same.
Stop. Thinking. About. Him.
Instead, she should think about Justin and how maybe Wade and Glen might be perfect for him. How she should be a good friend to him because she considered Rachel a friend.
How she hadn’t seen much of any of her friends lately, and it was damn time she did.
After washing up, she headed out to the kitchen to start the coffee.
No coffee, no thinky.
Vinnie followed her to the kitchen, trying to twine around her legs with every step.
“If you trip and kill me, you realize you won’t get any catnip, right?”
Vinnie looked up at her and meowed again.
While the coffee was brewing its magic, Lynn walked into the guest bathroom and scooped the cat pan, washed and filled Vinnie’s water bowl, and topped off her kibble.
As soon as Lynn had the cat pan scooped, Vinnie squatted in it and pinched off an odiferous number two.
“Oh, seriously? How does that much stink come from one cat?”
This wasn’t Lynn’s first rodeo with the feline, however. She’d waited to tie off the bag, anticipating just this scenario. Several times a week, Vinnie pulled this exact stunt with her.
With Vinnie finally done, Lynn scooped again and tied off the bag, set it in the garbage bin outside, and washed her hands before pouring herself a mug of magic mind juice.
The only thing that got her going first thing in the morning.
As she leaned against the counter and sipped her coffee, her left hand automatically went to her collar. Anyone else thought it was just a pretty and unusual chainmaille necklace.
To her, it was a reminder. Of many things.
Mostly it was a reminder to herself why she shouldn’t get into another relationship.
Not just because she still loved Paul. A reminder that if she trusted someone in that way, that deeply, it gave them power over her to kill her from the inside out. While they were together, her collar had grounded her. Reminded her of Paul’s love for her. She was fine with the time they had to spend apart because her collar was always a tangible symbol of his feelings for her.
Since she’d grown up essentially living alone as a foster child, she was fine with not having him around full-time. She’d never had any intentions of wanting to “steal” him from Sarah, either. She didn’t need to be half of a couple to feel complete, because she was a whole person.
Apparently, Sarah hadn’t been.
When all was said and done and the dust settled, Lynn had no way of knowing if Sarah had finally found peace and healing and a solid recovery for her “issues.” Lynn sincerely hoped she had.
Otherwise, what she’d been through, what Paul had been put through, had been a cruel waste of time.
At her feet, Vinnie let out an irritated meow, fortunately shaking Lynn out of her thoughts.
“I know, I know.” She pushed away from the counter. “I’m a slacker, I’m horrible. Let’s get to work, slave-driver.” She headed for her office, Vinnie hurrying to catch up.
Chapter Five
Saturday evening, Lynn stood in her small walk-in closet and silently swore. She had the problem that most of what she’d thought about wearing tonight was now too big for her to wear without getting it altered first.
Dammit.
Not that there was a formal dress code at Venture, but she’d thought about at least wearing a corset and a skirt.
Nope.
Sigh.
Jeans and a blouse it was.
Terrie’s right. I need to go shopping.
She’d let her friend drag her out to a discount store for some basics a few months back. Considering Lynn rarely went anywhere that she couldn’t get by with jeans or shorts, she’d been loath to spend money on clothes she damn well knew she’d likely never wear.
She finally selected a blouse that was now too large for her, but its billowy lines meant it looked fine anyway. Paired with jeans and a pair of wedges she hadn’t worn in too darn long to remember, it would work. She also ended up putting on makeup for the first time in…
Too darn long to remember.
Brown hair past her shoulders left loose, she stared at herself in the mirror.
“Who are you?” she asked her reflection.
Really, she had no idea anymore. Once upon a time, she thought she’d known. Then her world tipped on its axis in a good way when she met Paul and their weird little whatever it was they had started.
Then it seismically shifted again for the worse.
Now…
Writer.
Friend?
Even that she couldn’t claim to be anymore. Not really. Not when she’d gone out of her way to completely isolate herself from the people who cared about her the most. Her friends, people she’d considered adopted family.
I need to be a better friend.
Hell, she needed to see if she still had friends besides Terrie, Mark, and Rachel.
Okay. From now on, I go out more, even if it’s just to dinner. At least once a month, I go out somewhere. Not just to Terrie and Mark’s.
She took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, nearly tripping over Vinnie in the process.
“Dammit! Are you trying to kill me?” She scooped up the cat and carried her out of the bathroom, dumping her onto the bed. “I’m going to have a hard enough time not killing myself in these shoes. Don’t need your help finishing me off.”
Vinnie turned around to rub against her while loudly purring.
“Yeah, you keep thinking you’re suckering me. I know what’s up. You have a secret life insurance policy on me.”
“Meow.”
* * * *
On her way to Sigalo’s, Lynn had to stop and gas up her car. While there, she also bought her Powerball ticket for Saturday night. It was her only guilty pleasure anymore, ten dollars’ worth each Wednesday and Saturday.
She rarely drank, and she didn’t smoke or do drugs. Twenty bucks a week for twice-a-week potential thrills was worth it, in her mind.
After tucking the ticket into her purse, she headed on to the restaurant. She’d managed to beat Mark and Terrie, but Tilly and her guys, as well as Tony and Shayla, were already there.
Tilly and Shayla both greeted her with long, strong hugs.
“It’s good to see you out,” Tilly said, not a hint of snark anywhere in her tone.
“Yeah, I know I’ve been…absent lately. I’m going to try to get out more. I miss my friends.”
“We’ve missed you, too,” Shayla said. “And think about all the stuff you’ve missed you could have written about.”
“There is that. Probably some people happy I wasn’t around to capture their dumbassery for posterity.”
Tilly snorted. “And I’m married to one of them. Although his latest act of dumbassery wasn’t kinky in the slightest. He was giving KC a horsey ride and threw his back out.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, tonight’s the first night in a few weeks he’s felt up to coming out.”
“Where is the little one?”
“She’s with uncles Leo, Jesse, Nate, and Auntie Eva. We’re babysitting for them next weekend so they can have downtime.”
Shayla wore a playful smirk. “I still say that Derrick getting taken out by a dildo is funnier.”
“What?” Lynn asked.
Shayla related the story to her, of how he’d stepped on a dildo that his wife had warned him he’d dropped—and how he’d ended up on the floor flat on his back.
Tilly nodded. “True. Derrick’s stunt does beat that. Then again, you heard about the whole range of mishaps plaguing Rachel and Andrew during their trip to frozen hell, right?”
Lynn smiled. “Yeah. Some of those will end up in books.”
Shayla giggled. “Who wants to take bets Andrew gets a shit-ton of hand sanitizer for Christmas from all the smart-ass Doms around here?”
Tilly raised a hand. “Uh, I was already planning on getting him one of those industrial-sized bottles.”
Shayla smiled. “Aaannnd that proves my point.”
* * * *
By Saturday evening, Paul had finally organized the kitchen and his stack of broken-down boxes grew with each one he unpacked. He’d also gone shopping earlier—finally—and actually had healthy food in the house for a change. He’d stocked up on salad fixings and lean chicken and fish to cook for himself, as well as fresh veggies.
It was time to start working on losing the weight he’d gained, as well as getting his literal house—apartment—in order.
With the kitchen now tidied and everything put away, he was going to start working on the living room when his phone rang.
Sarah.
He almost let it go to voice mail, then realized that would only delay the inevitable.
“Hello?”
“Why did you block me on Facebook?” she asked by way of greeting. “And why did you take me off your profile?”
He rubbed at his forehead. “We’re divorced.”
She waited, as if expecting him to say more. When he didn’t, she stumbled on. “You should have asked me first. That was rude.”
“Sarah. We are divorced. I don’t need your permission. And if I blocked you, how’d you know I took you off my profile?” He wouldn’t put it past her to have another profile on Facebook from which to stalk him.
She ignored his question. “What am I supposed to tell people?”
“The same thing I’m telling people. That we’re divorced.”
“I can’t tell them that!”
He took a deep breath and desperately tried to hold on to his patience. “When was the last time you talked to your therapist?”
“Don’t you dare change the subject on me! This is about you being rude. I haven’t told anyone we’re divorced yet.”
I’m out. “Sarah, that’s your problem. I’ve told people we’re divorced.”
“Who? How dare you talk about me without my permission! I didn’t tell you you could do that!” Her voice steadily rose in shrillness and volume. He recognized it all too well as a sign of one of her impending rages.
Just like he recognized all too well the tightness in his gut.
A tightness he realized he hadn’t felt in weeks since moving out…unless he had to deal with Sarah.
“I’m too busy to talk,” he said. “I’m not discussing this subject with you again, either. We are divorced, so you need to deal with that however you need to deal with it. Good-bye.” He hung up, then set his phone to silent. When she immediately called back, he sent it to voice mail.
It took her two more attempts before she gave up.
Fuck. He’d hoped to not have a conversation like that with her, but it was obvious she wasn’t on her meds. She’d simply get ragey, then break down crying, and then try to play on his sympathies.
It’
d been her predictable pattern, and one that had worked on him in the past.
Sadder still was that now he could see that same pattern with crystal clarity.
Why didn’t I listen to everyone?
* * * *
Terrie and Mark arrived at Sigalo’s shortly thereafter. As they were taking their seats together, Rachel, Andrew, and Justin arrived, followed closely by Glen and Wade.
Who, Lynn was amused to see, seemed smitten by Justin.
Lynn leaned in close to Terrie. “I’m thinking those two are definitely in severe like, at least.”
“Ditto. It’s cute seeing two Domly switches tripping over themselves like a couple of love-struck puppies.”
Lynn didn’t talk a lot during dinner, content to listen and people-watch. Occupational hazard as a writer, but in this case, it was also soothing. To see her friends again, to see the people she cared about. She received multiple hugs from people as they arrived and found her there.
I missed this.
She didn’t expect perfection from herself. She still felt pain—a lot of pain. But that pain wasn’t being eased by locking herself away from her support network, either. The people who were best equipped to understand exactly what it was she’d lost.
By the time the group was ready to move on to the club, Justin had decided to ride with Glen and Wade instead of with Rachel and Andrew.
Lynn watched Rachel, her reactions, and was pleased to see her friend’s happy smile.
It looked like big sister approved of Justin’s new friends.
Terrie gently grabbed Lynn’s arm as they all started moving toward the front doors.
“You really okay to do this tonight?” she asked Lynn. “If you want to bug out, I’ll cover for you.”
Lynn looked out the front windows at the parking lot, where others were heading to their cars.
“I want to go. I want to see everyone.”
Terrie seemed to be studying her. “Don’t be brave just because I’m pushing you.”
“I’m not. I don’t know if I’m being brave or just being more a coward.”
“How so?”
“I want to see how things turn out for Justin. Focusing on watching him and talking with people keeps me from going too deep into my own head.”
Beware Falling Rocks [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) Page 4