by Blue Saffire
I’m trying my best not to freak out. This pregnancy has not been easy. I don’t even want to think of why because the rage will fill me up and consume me again.
“Baby, are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yes, a little hungry. But fine.”
He narrows his eyes on me. I can’t let him see too much. If I do he’ll read all the way through me. It’s one of the things that draws me to him. He sees me. John has seen me from the first day we crossed each other’s paths.
He opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind and kisses my forehead. I’m grateful. I don’t want to ruin this trip for everyone. I’m already the odd one out.
Well, I like spending time with Carmen. The others don’t give me shit, but they’ve had their clique before I came around. I tend to feel out of place with them, I know it’s not them, they try. I’m the one that’s closed off.
“Come,” he says in that deep voice and I shiver. “Let’s get you something to eat.”
I start to walk off the balcony quickly. So quickly, I run into someone as I move through the doors. I look up into those blue eyes and I know it’s him.
I never thought I’d see him again. He narrows his eyes at me and removes the phone from his ear. The way his gaze sharpens on me makes me feel like he’s peeling my skin back.
“Hey, Misha. Sorry about that,” John says as I stand speechless.
“I know you, da? From where?”
I don’t answer. I fight against the memories as they try to push themselves forward. I lick my dry lips and stand straighter. I’m not that same girl.
“No, I don’t think you do,” I reply with more confidence then I had seconds ago.
He narrows those icy blue eyes further. “Da. I do. Your face. I remember your face.”
His brows furrow. He’s working overtime to place me. He may have saved my life, but I still don’t know what he was doing there that night. I won’t risk being dragged back into that hell by telling him the truth.
John moves behind and wraps his arms around me. His warmth and strength are just what I need at the moment. Pain starts to trickle across my back, increasing by the second.
I bite the inside of my cheek. The pain passes as fast as it comes. I think about telling John, but I remember we’re here on business and pleasure. He’s needed here.
“I don’t think you’ve officially met,” John says to this Misha guy. “This is Roni.”
“Roni, this is Misha Krupin.”
Misha reaches for my hand and brings the back to his lips. “It is a pleasure to meet you. I will figure out where I know you from. It will come to me.”
With that, he turns and leaves. I tilt my head back and look at John. He shrugs.
“That’s Misha for you. Do you know him?”
I shiver. The answer is yes, but again I’m going to add a lie to the list. I turn my attention to my purse as if I’m looking for something.
“No, I don’t.”
John tugs my body close and leans into my ear. “You have told me at least six lies this evening. We will talk about them all. Every single one as I make you come so much you beg me to stop or should I hold them from you? Hm. We will see, won’t we.”
Chapter 36
Triggers
Carmen
I jump for the third time as a random sound outside triggers me. It’s been this way since Italy. I never thought I’d attend a wedding that was shot up.
That’s stuff I’ve seen in movies. A world I’m so far removed from. I think I now understand why my father wanted to keep me in the dark.
“Hey,” Ryan says into my ear and wraps his arms around me. “You’re safe. I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
I nod my head slowly and reach for the cup I dropped into the sink before the loud sound. My hands are shaking. It’s been almost a month and I’m still jumpy and nervous.
All I can remember is Ryan shielding me with his body. At one point, someone gave him a gun and he stood ready to return fire. I think my brain shut down after that.
It was such a gorgeous wedding. Days of food and celebrating. I would love a week long wedding like Tasha’s.
We were having so much fun as the reception started to wind down. And then the first shot rang out. I still feel for Tasha’s sister. She lost someone. At least from what I gather, it was someone important to her.
Me and the other ladies were pretty much rushed into cars that sped off to get us to the château. Once there, we all packed our things to leave. I was a nervous wreck until Ryan and his brothers came storming in the doors with their dad. It wasn’t long before we were on a plane returning to the States.
Ryan covers my shaking hand. “Hey, are you listening to me? I’ll always be here to protect you.”
“You can’t promise that,” I choke out.
“Yes, I can. I don’t like lying, remember? I’ll always do whatever’s in my power to live up to that promise.”
He shuts off the sink and turns me to face him. I look into his eyes and see the sincerity of his words. When he cups my face, I nuzzle into his hand.
“What if you’re not around?”
“Babe, I’ve developed a sixth sense when it comes to you. If I’m not there, know that I’m on my way and I’m going to get there right on time.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and hold on tight. As tight as I can with my bump in the way. If I hadn’t seen the sonogram myself, I’d swear we’re having twins.
“Everything has been so scary. The wedding, Roni going into labor early. I feel like we haven’t had time to breathe. Something is always coming at us,” I murmur as I press my cheek to his chest.
“It comes with the life. Quiet always makes me… I don’t know. It’s like I’m more watchful when it’s quiet. The silent moments are when the plotting is going on. I never trust silence.”
“Oh God. So you’re fine with all this chaos,” I groan.
He reaches to pinch my chin and lifts it. “You have the safest seat in the house. The chaos has to go through me to get to you.”
I want to believe him. In this moment, I latch onto his words like a safety blanket. It’s the comfort I need. Everything has changed.
I haven’t been to my parents’ house since we returned. Oddly enough, they haven’t pressed for me to come by either. Which speaks volumes. This is all so much bigger than I comprehend and for once, I’m not itching to know the story.
“Ry?”
“Yeah.”
“I want her to learn to fight and stuff. Like my parents taught me. Maybe you can teach us to shoot too.”
He snorts. “Yeah, I’ll teach you to shoot. That’s not a problem and when he’s old enough to start his uncle Noah will be ready.”
“Noah is good with the kids. So she’ll be in good hands.” I laugh.
He gives me a little squeeze. “It’s good to hear that laugh. I’ll be happy either way. Boy or girl. Although, I don’t think God would do that to me. Do you have any idea how crazy I’d be about my little girl? Like she’ll have trackers in her sneakers and shit.”
I bury my face in his chest to stifle my laughter. I’ve seen how protective all the guys are. They hover around Lulu and Nora to make sure they’re safe. It’s kind of comical and I don’t think they notice that they’re doing it. I can only imagine Ryan with his own daughter.
I look up at him and place my chin to his chest. “I think you’re going to make an amazing father.”
“What about husband?”
My lips part. I blink at him as if my brain has taken an exit and left me to fend for myself. I don’t know what to say to that.
I mean, it’s not the first time he’s said it, but things are so much more serious between us now. We’re having a baby together. I’ve all but moved out of my apartment to start living with him.
Have I thought about marriage? Yeah, once or twice at the wedding in Italy, but I never let myself get carried away. After all, he hasn’t mentioned it since w
e returned home from the Barbados.
Ryan laughs. “What happened cat got your tongue?”
“I… I don’t know what to say. I… well, I hope you will. To whoever you marry.”
He frowns at me. Cupping the side of my face and brushing his thumb over my cheek. His gaze is so penetrating, I feel like I’m frozen in place.
“You still haven’t figured out who you are to me?” he asks almost as if he’s having the realization for himself.
“Ry, some days I still wonder why you’re with me. I still think you’re way out of my league,” I say and bite my lip.
It’s the truth. I sometimes wonder if he’s still with me because of the baby. Ryan is so much more experienced than I am. He’s five years older and his life is in order. Like, he loves his job and he has this forever home that he’ll raise a family in.
I’ve never once been arrogant to think that will be with me and the baby. I don’t want to just be his baby mother, but I’m well aware that it could come to that. We’ve truly only been together for barely seven months, if that long.
He nods. “Okay.” He gives another nod. “All right.”
“What?” I ask in confusion.
“Nothing,” he says and kisses my forehead. “I’m going for my run. I’ll see you when I get back.”
I’m left looking after him as he walks out of the kitchen and heads out of the house. I’m not sure what just happened, but I get the feeling that a whole lot has changed in that one conversation. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing either.
Ryan
“What’s up?” Brax asks as he jogs beside me. “You’ve been in your head since we met up.”
I needed someone to talk to after my conversation with Carmen this morning. I called Brax and we met up between our houses. I was grateful that I could find the perfect house close to all my family. I live within blocks of Brax and less than a three mile radius away from everyone else.
“I think it’s time I go shopping for a ring,” I blurt out.
Brax slows to a stop. I stop and turn to look at him. He has a crooked grin on his face as he places his hands on his hips.
“Thanks,” he says.
My brows pinch. “For what?”
“You just won me a stack from each of our loving brothers.” He smiles like an idiot.
Figures. I’m not surprised at all. It’s something I absolutely would have initiated.
“You all bet a grand that I’d propose?” I scoff. “Who doubted that shit?”
“Nah, wasn’t about if, it was when. Wyatt and Noah didn’t think it would click until after the baby.”
I run a hand through my hair and laugh. “I can’t be mad. I’ve lost money on both of them.”
“All jokes aside,” Brax says more seriously. He folds his arms over his chest. “Why not? I mean, you guys live together already. The baby will be here in a few months. You’re crazy about her, kid. We all see it. Heck, she’s crazy about you for some reason I don’t understand.”
“Fuck you. You do know Heather is just as crazy as your ass. It’s the only reason you two are married.”
He shrugs. “What’s your point? Besides, I heard all about Carmen. Bro, if you’re not careful she might kick your ass.”
I lift a brow. “This is true. She flipped me and choked me one night, I swear I was about to nut.”
“Oh come on, I don’t want to hear that shit. And I thought John was bad.” He shakes his head.
I wave him off. “We’re getting away from the point. I need to get a ring and I have to figure out when and how to propose.”
“You know you’re asking the wrong brother, right? I didn’t do any of that shit.”
I groan. He’s right, but he was my go to. I totally should have called Felix or Noah.
Fuck.
I draw a hand down my face. I’m sweating and not from the run. Knowing how Carmen feels I don’t want to mess this up. I need to show her once and for all that I’m not out of her league. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted before I knew what I wanted.
“What’s this about?”
I look my brother in the eyes and debate on whether or not to reveal this. It’s not like my family hasn’t known that I’ve been after Carmen and that she was set on avoiding me in the beginning.
“She still thinks I’m out of her league. It’s bullshit. That girl is amazing and I’m lucky I found her. I need her to see I’m in this. I love the fuck out of her. She’s perfect.”
Carmen can be shy, nerdy, fierce, and she’s so damn smart. Not just book smart. I’ve dated girls that don’t have half the common sense that Carmen has.
She’s been on top of so much with the baby. Our house is baby proofed. She’s been looking into daycares and a pediatrician. All shit I haven’t thought once about and I know these aren’t things her mother has told her to do because I’ve heard them on the phone when her mother has brought these things up after the fact.
Twenty and she blows my mind with her thoughtfulness and her attention to shit. She’s more my equal than she will ever know. Which pisses me off even more that I didn’t notice that she’s still not totally secure in our relationship.
I have to fix that. It will be my job from today forward. She will forever know that I’m in love with her for life.
“So you want to propose so she doesn’t leave your ass?”
“You know what… never mind. Forget I mentioned it,” I grumble.
“Relax,” Brax says as he laughs. I glare at him. “I’m busting your balls. I’ll help. I didn’t do the big proposal, but we both know I nailed it with the wedding.”
I roll my eyes. “Dork. Do you have any idea how stressed I am?”
“Yeah, I do. That’s another reason I know you’re crazy about her. Come on. We can brainstorm while we finish this run. I’ll call the jeweler that set Heather’s ring. We’ll have you straight in no time.”
Brax pulls me into a hug and pats my back. I’m so glad I can count on my brothers when I need them. I seriously don’t know what I would do without them.
I want to do this one right and for all my smarts, I know when it comes to Carmen I can goof shit up. My direct approach can use a little finesse this time. I plan to be her husband, not some dude she sleeps with who got her pregnant.
Operation Mrs. Carmen Black has been in session. Now it’s time I close the deal.
Chapter 37
See Me Clearly
Carmen
“Carmen, get that ass naked and in my bed,” Ryan calls through the house.
I nearly spit my juice across the living room. He has returned from his run with a box in his arms. I look at him curiously.
He has a sexy smile on his sweaty face. His hair is wet and plastered to his forehead. He’s sexy even fully dressed. His white hoodie with the red embroidery fits his sculpted body with love. Those sweat pants should be outlawed.
I frown. It never occurred to me before that he goes out with that print showing. Has he lost his mind? Now I know why the neighbor always smiles when she sees him.
“Have you tried compression shorts or something under your sweats?” I don’t realize how hard I’m frowning until he starts to roar with laughter. I force myself to focus. “What’s in the box?”
“Some goodies I ordered before we left Australia. I’m going to shower. You get that ass in bed. Daddy’s going to give you some special attention.”
I burst into laughter. “Did you bump your head on that run? Daddy?” I give him a pointed look.
“I’m someone’s daddy, woman. Stop with all the mouth. I’m horny just thinking about all the shit in this box. Don’t you dare take those glasses off. Let’s go,” he says and starts for the bedroom as if I’m supposed to follow without question.
I shake my head. He’s crazy. However, I’m curious as to what’s in the box. I didn’t know he made an order before we left. We had to leave so abruptly.
It dawns on me now that we didn’t have to leave because he
left something behind. Which takes my thoughts back to the nightclub and his cousins. I’ve wondered how they fit into all of this.
I could spend hours falling down that rabbit hole, but instead, after a few minutes, I scoot off the couch and follow after Ry. Or should I say, I wobble after him as best I can. I wobble a lot these days.
When I enter the room, the big box is on the dresser and the shower is running. I tip the opened box over and peek in. Oils, lotions, ropes and a few other things are piled high. I grin and shake my head.
However, I do begin to strip from my dress. Who am I to deny the pleasure I know Ry is about to bring? Once I’m down to nothing but my birthday suit, I climb onto the bed to wait.
All thoughts of positioning myself in some sexy pose go out the window when I topple over onto my side. I can’t help but laugh at myself. I start to snort and all, causing myself to laugh more. I’m so busy laughing, I don’t notice the shower cut off.
The room fills with music. I laugh to the point of tears when Jodeci’s “Freek’n You” starts to play. I turn over to find Ryan in nothing but a towel around his waist.
He licks his lips as he looks over my body. I don’t know how he still gets turned on by all this. I wiggle my toes that I can’t see and shyly wrap my arms around my belly.
He moves to the bed, dropping his towel on the way over. He’s so hung it’s ridiculous. Irrational jealousy feels me and I vow to burn all his sweat pants.
The thought is quickly forgotten as he captures my lips in a passionate, toe-curling kiss. I cling to his wet hair as he steals my breath away. I gasp when he moves to kiss my neck.
“Ryan,” I whimper.
“I love you so much, Carmen.” He moves to plant a kiss on my belly before licking it from the bottom to the top. “All of you.”
I may not be able to see my vagina, but I know it’s wetter than a waterfall. He reaches for the nightstand and that’s when I see he placed a few bottles from the box there. Biting the plastic from around the cap, he tears into a bottle of oil.