Breathe Into Me

by Amanda Stone

  I rushed over to my dresser for some yoga pants and realized that I was going to have to get in my underwear drawer and actually pull a pair out in front of Kane. This could not get any more awkward if I tried. But just as I thought that, the pair of black panties I had been trying to discretely pull from the drawer got caught on something causing them to sling shot into the air and come crashing down right at Kane’s feet.

  I stood there for a minute, not wanting to even glance over at Kane for fear that I would just drop dead of embarrassment right there at his feet, right beside my undergarments. I heard the bed creak and the heavy thumps of his foot falls. I closed my eyes tight; I didn’t need to see him to know that he was standing behind me now.

  I felt his head lower, his rough cheek resting against the side of my head. “I believe these are yours.”

  I slowly turn my head keeping my eyes tightly closed. When I finally found the courage to open my eyes, I was met with my black panties, dangling from one of Kane’s fingers. I slowly reached up and took them from his finger … I mean what’s the use in trying to hurry and snatch them away? The damage had already been done.

  I clutched my panties to my chest and finally made eye contact with Kane. I could see humor in his eyes, but there was also something else there. Something that may have been lust? I wasn’t one hundred percent sure, but I know that just that look from him had me feeling all kinds of lust—like to the umpteenth power.

  “Thanks,” I squeaked and swiftly turned back toward my dresser to dig out some clothes, because the fact that I was only wearing a thin piece of cloth over my entire body and the way my body was humming all over right now, was not a good combination. I needed to be fully clothed and about five more feet away from Kane so I could clear my head.

  Without so much as another word to Kane, I grabbed the first articles of clothing that my hands touched, not caring if they even matched. I rushed off to my bathroom, slamming the door in my haste.

  When I was safely in the bathroom, I leaned back against the door and was finally able to catch my breath. That was intense. I had never had anyone make my body feel like that before and he hadn’t even really touched me, but it felt like he had. It felt as if every surface of my skin was on fire and dipped in ice at the same time. And I don’t even want to get into the tingles that were happening, well … everywhere. I had never been so turned on in my life and I don’t even know what I had really been turned on about. Didn’t he have to at least touch me to do that? God, I sounded like a complete moron. Could it be any more obvious that I knew absolutely nothing about sex?

  I walked over to the sink, gripping the sides for support. I needed to get a hold of myself before I embarrassed myself even further. I splashed some cool water on my face and applied just a touch of makeup; I needed to try to cover the flush in my face just a little.

  After I was finally dressed in actual clothes, I slowly turned the knob to the door and crept back inside my dorm. Kane was still there on my bed, but this time he was starting down at his cell with a smile on his face. That damn cell again.

  I tried my best to not let it get to me, but dammit, I was curious who he was always talking to on that thing that made him smile so much. Sensing my presence, he looked up at me. I shyly sat down on the bed next to him and he surprised me by holding his phone out where I could look at the screen. There was a text message pulled up. My first thought was that he had texted on of his friends to let them know what a complete spaz I was, but the contact name at the top read “Maw.”

  “She recently got a cell and now she’s trying to learn how to text. It’s funny as shit,” he laughed.

  I read through some of the messages … well actually I’m not sure you could really call them messages because most were random letters or half words. Finally at the bottom she did manage to get out one full sentence—“Can you hear me?”

  I busted out laughing, I felt bad for laughing at his grandmother like that but he was right, it was pretty funny.

  “I don’t know why she doesn’t just call me. She says she wants to keep up with the times and be able to text, but if it’s going to always be like this I think I’m going to have to step in at some point and put a stop to the madness.”

  I loved watching him talk about his grandparents. You could tell he loved them and respected them. It made me wish I had known my grandparents better. I never knew my dad’s parents. He never really talked about them much but my mom had told me that my grandfather had died when my dad was young, and that my grandmother had died shortly after they were married.

  I did get to meet my grandparent’s on my mom’s side once, though. I don’t remember it because I was a baby but there were pictures of them holding me. They lived across the country and had also died before I was even old enough to remember. That’s why after my mom’s death I was sent to live with Jessi since I didn’t have any other immediate family.

  “She’s pretty excited to meet you this weekend.” Kane bumped my shoulder, reminding me that I was in fact going to his grandparents’ house this weekend to watch the game. I guess it was a big tradition for everyone in their neighborhood to show up for a big cookout and watch the game there. At least I would have Jessi with me. She was going with Landon, who apparently never misses it or the chance to eat Kane’s grandma’s deserts.

  “Have they met a lot of your, um, friends?” I didn’t really know what to call us. Sure we were holding hands and kissing and spending more time together than ever, but he had not officially said what we were, and I was so new to this I honestly wasn’t sure. I would have been considering him my boyfriend but I knew that guys didn’t like to label things so quickly, so it was probably best if I just sat back and played it by ear until he was ready to make that decision.

  He took my hand is his. “No, no they haven’t. I really don’t even take anyone there, well, besides Landon, and he has been my best friend since we were in diapers. I kind of got stuck with him since our parents had been best friends since college,” he laughed and I knew he was joking about getting stuck with Landon. They were as close, if not closer than Jessi and I.

  “But no, to answer your question I don’t take people to meet my grandparent’s unless they are special … and you, you are more special than anyone I have ever met. I have never met a more awkwardly cute, yet stunningly beautiful girl in all my life. You’re smart and funny, and ridiculously sexy and you don’t even know it.” He lightly placed his hand on my cheek and I immediately leaned into his touch as though I had known it all my life.

  “You, Kelsey, are special. You are so strong and so brave. There will never be another person in this world that would ever compare to you, and I can’t believe you actually choose to waste your time with a loser like me. I won’t argue about it though, because now that I have you in my life I can’t imagine going through every day without you. I’m a selfish bastard, Kelsey. There is probably someone out there who would be better for you, give you all the things you deserve but I just can’t let that happen. I want you. I want you to be mine. The thought of you with someone else is something I honestly can’t even stomach. I know we have only known each other a short time and people might think we are crazy or rushing this, but this feels right. It feels as though I had been unknowingly searching for something and then that day in the café when I saw you, it all clicked. I didn’t know you, hell I didn’t even know your name, but I knew that I was drawn to you and wanted to know all about this beautiful stranger with the silky brown hair and warm eyes.”

  I covered his hand with mine and looked deeply into his eyes. “Honestly I feel the same way. I have never had someone I didn’t know consume me the way you have. My life has been so messed up. I never wanted to let anyone else in. Never thought I actually would, but from the moment I met you there was this pull that I couldn’t deny. I thought it was just me, and that I was just having some serious crushing issues because, let’s face it, you could honestly have your choice of anyone on this campus and you c
hoose to spend your time with me. It’s so crazy to me, but like you said, I don’t want to question it. I know I want you in my life.”

  Kane leaned in slowly, pausing for a minute right before our lips touched. Close enough that I could feel his hot breath on my face. He lingered there for a moment, almost making me think he had changed his mind about kissing me, but then he softy placed his lips against mine.

  The kiss was so soft and sweet but still held so much strength and passion. He took his time, making sure I was fully kissed on the outside before I felt the warm sliver of his tongue caressing my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I happily obliged. Kane brought his other hand up and buried it in the hair at the back of my neck. Between the feel of his light tugging on my hair and the way he was kissing me, before I knew it, my body was moving, climbing onto Kane’s lap.

  When I had my legs straddling his hips I took control of the kiss. I was exploring his mouth the way he had done mine so many times. I knew if felt good to me but I wasn’t really sure I was doing it right until I heard him growl in between kisses and he brought his hands down to firmly grip my hips.

  My shirt had ridden up a tad bit, just enough that parts of his hands were touching my bare skin, and the heat from his hands on my skin sent me into a frenzy. I was gripping at his arms so tight and I could feel my breathing becoming uneven and almost panting. I hadn’t even noticed that my hips had begun rocking on his lap.

  I had never in my life taken it this far with someone. Hell, I had hardly even kissed boys, but I just got so caught up in Kane’s kisses that my body took over and it was going to do what it wanted to to make itself feel good. No matter how crazy it made me look in the process.

  Kane’s grip on my hips grew tighter and I noticed he was helping me move now. I could feel a warmth grow hotter and hotter in my stomach, and before I knew it there was an explosion, or what felt like an explosion anyway. It felt as though every hair on my body was standing straight on end and my toes were curled so hard I was a little scared of the Charlie horse that would follow. I then realized how my chest was heaving right in Kane’s face.

  I was so embarrassed that I had even climbed on his lap in the first place. Now how was I even going to face him after pretty much dry hump raping him when all he was after was a kiss?

  I scurried off his lap and made my way across the room, putting some distance between us. I hugged myself, mortified about what had just happened.

  “Kelsey.”

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that was about. I have never done anything like that before.” I chanced a glance at him and saw that he was getting up from my bed.

  Great. Way to go Kelsey. You have really scared him away now.

  But Kane didn’t make his way toward my door like I thought he might. Instead, he took a few long strides and wrapped his arms around me.

  “Kelsey, that right there was one of the hottest things that has ever happened to me. You completely took control there and believe me, I was more than willing to let you use me in any way you saw fit.”

  He turned me in his arms to face him and I wanted to bury my face in my hands. “I was a complete freak right there. I’m so sorry. I damn near assaulted you.”

  He barked out a laugh and pulled me closer to his chest. “No. Kelsey, you didn’t. I am a guy after all. I would never push you into anything you’re not ready to do, but believe me if you ever feel like you are ready to maybe test the waters a little, I am more than willing to help you out with that.” He winked to try to lighten the mood.

  I smiled up at him but still felt like a compete spaz. I couldn’t believe I had just orgasmed like that in front of him. Kane cleared his throat and kind of shifted from foot to foot.

  “As much as I would love to stay and spend some more time with you, I think I’m going to have to call it a night a little early and, uh, take care of something.” He glanced down.

  I followed where his eyes had gone and my hand flew to my mouth when I noticed the huge bulge in his pants. It was obviously pushing against his jeans and probably had to be quite painful. Poor guy. I was even worse than I thought.

  “Um, maybe I could help you out with that?” I questioned, but my voice was noticeably shaky.

  He shook his head. “No it’s all right. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before, but I will say this, it was the best way it has ever been brought on.” He gave me a sly smile. “I’ll text you later, okay?”

  I nodded. Honestly I was a little relieved that he hadn’t taken me up on my offer because I would have had no clue what to even do with it had he said yes.

  Kane gave me a quick kiss goodbye and headed out the door. After he was gone I noticed the still-untouched food lying on my bed. If I hadn’t been starving, I would have probably felt bad about devouring half of it within five minutes after he’d left with the problem he did. But it smelled so good and like I said, I was starving, so I ate my fill and put the rest in our mini fridge with a note for Jessi, letting her know there was more left over if she wanted it. Then I climbed into my bed and read some more while I waited for Kane’s text letting me know he had made it home safely.

  Over the next few days, Kane and I had fallen into a pretty steady routine. We spent as much time as we could together when he wasn’t working. We made out … a lot, but there were no mishaps like before—not that the urge didn’t hit to jump him when we kissed, I was just becoming more in control of myself around him.

  The day of the cookout, I stressed all day over what to wear. I mean I was meeting his grandparents after all, and they were important to him so I wanted them to really like me. This would be the first time I had ever met the family of a guy I was interested in, so I was freaking out a little bit. Usually people had high school to get used to that awkward first time meeting the family thing, but since my high school years were mostly spent hiding out, I never had the chance. Now here I was eighteen years old and scared to death to meet someone’s grandma.

  “Kelsey, would you just pick something already? Landon will be here in a minute,” Jessi huffed from where she sat perched on her bed.

  “I need to find the perfect thing to wear, Jess. I have to make a good impression on them. Kane really looks up to his grandparents, and if they don’t like me, well maybe it would be a deal breaker for him,” I said as I tossed yet another shirt over my shoulder where it landed in the pile with the others that I had already deemed not worthy.

  I guess Jessi had finally had enough of my mini melt down because she hopped off her bed, made her way to me, gripped my shoulder and gave me one firm shake.

  “Snap out of it! They will love you! Everyone loves you. You need to give yourself more credit sometimes.”

  I sighed and looked down at my feet. “I just feel like I need to build myself up so high, Jess, that way when the darkest side of me becomes known, maybe it won’t matter so much to people because I will have already established myself with them and they will be able to absorb that awful side and not hold it against me.”

  Jessi firmly grasped my chin and made me look into her pale blue eyes. “No, you listen to me Kelsey Makinzee Rien.” Oh no, she pulled the full name card. I was in trouble now.

  “What happened six years ago was. Not. Your. Fault! The person whose fault it is, is rotting in a jail cell somewhere—probably getting raped daily by his celly.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she shrugged. “We can hope right? After what that person—I will not call him a man, and I will not call him your dad … he lost that right—but after what he did to your mom, and after what you had to grow up witnessing every day, he deserves all the hell that he can go through on this earth before he rots for the rest of eternity in a different kind of hell.” She loosened her grip on my chin and took my hands in her tiny hands.

  “I hate that you do this to yourself, Kelsey. You are the only person who can’t see how special you are. Lord knows you have had it rough, and I can’t imagine what it is like for you. But as your best friend, it hurts me to
see you tear yourself down the way you do. You of all people deserve happiness now. So, please, I’m begging you. Let it in. Let Kane in. Let me in.”

  I grabbed my best friend in a tight hug. I felt the warmth of a tear slowing slipping down my cheeks. I knew what Jessi was talking about, but it was easier said than done. She didn’t know how my mother looked at me for help and I just stood there and watched all the life drain from her. It was something I didn’t think I would ever forgive myself for. He may have been rotting in a prison somewhere, but it didn’t help with the fact that some small part of me believed that maybe I should probably be sharing the cell right beside him.

  “I’m sorry, Jessi. I know how difficult it is to have me as a friend. You have no idea how much your friendship means to me. I will try to work on it, okay? You deserve that much from me.”

  Jessi shook her head, her wild red curls flying everywhere. “No, Kelsey, I don’t want you to do this for me, I want you to do this for you. I will be here for you no matter what. You will never get rid of me but you need to forgive yourself. Your mom wouldn’t want you to go through life hating yourself for something you had no control over. You were stuck in a horrible situation and there was nothing you could have done.”

  I don’t care how many times the world would tell me that, I couldn’t make myself believe it. I had taken the cowardly way out and I would have to carry that with me for the rest of my life, but I would do as I promised Jessi. I would work on me.

  “Shit. Now I’m going to have to redo your make up on top of finding you something to wear,” Jessi said as she ran her thumbs under my eyes to try to clear my cheeks of the little black streaks that I know had to be running down due to my crying.

  “I’m sorry to have brought that up like that on a day that I know you are already stressing over. Not a good move on my part,” Jessi sighed.

  “No Jessi, it’s okay. I need you to give me a kick in the ass every now and then to make me remember I do have to go on living. That no matter how much it hurts, I am still here and I have people who gathered around me and loved me when they didn’t have to and I need to be thankful for that.”