Mother, Help Me Live

by Lurlene McDaniel

  Mike’s expression grew serious. “I want to be honest with you and your folks, Sarah. Birth parents don’t always want to be found. If that’s the case, when they are located, they can panic.”

  Sarah saw her mom shift forward in her chair. Hadn’t she been telling Sarah the same thing all along? Sarah hated giving her the satisfaction of thinking she was correct.

  “How do they panic?” Mrs. McGreggor asked. “Sarah won’t be in any danger, will she?”

  “Of course not,” Mike assured her. “Once I find the natural mother, I use caution in establishing actual contact. Usually, I approach the subject on the phone. I say something like, ‘Someone wants to meet you who was born on—,’ and I give the searcher’s birth date. Believe me, that special date is engraved in the birth mother’s memory forever. No one ever forgets it.”

  “It must come as quite a shock,” Sarah’s dad said.

  “Yes, it usually does. Some birth parents are overjoyed. They’ve wondered for years about the baby they gave up. Others say they can’t talk now, but will call me back, so I leave them a number. Sometimes, when I call again, they hang up and refuse to take my calls.”

  “What if that happens? What if she won’t talk to me? I need her, you know.” Sarah fought down anxiety.

  Mike studied her kindly. “All I can do is locate her for you, Sarah. I can’t force her to meet with you.”

  “What if you locate her, but don’t call her?” Sarah asked. “What if you just tell me where she is and I call her.” She was thinking that it might be harder for Janelle to hang up on her own daughter.

  “You’re the client, and I’ll handle it however you want me to.”

  Somehow, that made Sarah feel better, as if she had more control over the situation. “That’s what I want you to do,” she said. “Once you find her”—she didn’t even think if you find her—“please call me. I want to be the first one to contact her.”

  Her mom grew rigid. “Sarah, that may not be possible. You may be back in the hospital, or—”

  “I want to meet my mother face-to-face,” Sarah interrupted.

  Mike leaned back and jotted in a small black notebook. “No telling where she might live,” he said. “It could be expensive for you to go confront her yourself.”

  “I have money,” Sarah said stubbornly, again grateful to the faceless JWC for the gift.

  “I don’t think you should make those kinds of plans,” Sarah’s mother advised.

  “I have to,” Sarah countered, feeling her temper rising. “She’s my mother. I need her.”

  Her father reached over and took his wife’s hands. “Carol, honey, you know we agreed to help Sarah all we could. First, Mike has to locate the woman. Then, we can decide how best to handle it. Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.”

  Sarah’s mom pressed her lips together and nodded without glancing at Sarah.

  Mike flipped his notebook shut and clipped his silver ballpoint pen to his shirt pocket. “Don’t be discouraged. Many times, these jobs of reconnecting birth families with adoptees turn out pretty good. Mine did.”

  “You were adopted?” Sarah asked. Except for Scott’s friend, whom she only had heard about, she had never met anybody who actually had been adopted.

  “I was,” Mike said. “The people who adopted me were great parents, who told me all along I’d been adopted. I loved the Lions very much—I’ve even kept their name—but all my life, I wanted to meet the person who had given birth to me. I wanted brothers and sisters, blood relatives. Even after I married and had kids, I couldn’t stop wanting to know who I was.”

  “So you searched?” Sarah asked.

  He nodded. “That’s how I got into this business. It used to be much more difficult to get information. Records of adoptions were closed and sealed. It took court orders and years of waiting to find out anything. As more and more people started searching, they became organized, formed support groups and organizations. These groups started applying political pressure and eventually loosened up the system. It’s still not easy in some states, but people are recognizing adoptees’ rights to have basic information about their genetic heritage.”

  He pushed his glasses up on his nose and studied Sarah thoughtfully. “For me, the search was a bonanza. I had six brothers and sisters on my natural mother’s side and four on my father’s. All of them were ecstatic to meet me, my wife, and my kids. We get together every two years for a huge family reunion.

  “Now, I spend my life helping others find their birth families, because I know what it feels like to want to be connected by blood. The search can be frustrating. But every time you obtain information—a name, an address—it’s like a small victory. And every time you hit a brick wall, it’s like a small death.”

  Sarah felt as if a light had gone on inside her heart. Mike did understand—as only one who’d been adopted could understand. She was certain that her birth mother, Janelle Warren, had wondered about the daughter she’d given away fifteen years before. Once Sarah contacted her, Janelle might be shocked, but she would want to meet Sarah. And once she was tested for bone marrow compatibility, Janelle would be a match and would feel compelled to help Sarah.

  No one could convince Sarah otherwise. Mothers and their children belonged to each other, no matter what had happened to separate them. The bond, the link could never be completely severed, regardless of time and circumstances. “I’ll be at home waiting for your phone call,” Sarah told the detective. “I know you’ll find my mother. You must.”

  Thirteen

  SARAH FOUND THAT the chemo treatments had taken their toll on her. She felt so weak and exhausted that she spent a great deal of time curled up on the sofa. It was hard to wait for Mike to contact them with more news. She wanted to conserve her energy for when she needed it to meet with her birth mother, so she didn’t mind doing nothing much at all.

  The waiting seemed longer since most of her friends had gone off on vacation. She was glad to get postcards, but felt sad to be reminded that while everyone was off having a good time, she was housebound and bedridden.

  “Mail call,” Tina said, breezing toward her one morning.

  “Anything important?” Sarah asked. For a moment, her heart hammered in anticipation, as it did every day when the mail arrived. Maybe this would be the day Mike would contact them.

  “There’s a package from New Mexico.” Tina stared at a small box. “The address doesn’t look familiar. Who do we know from there?”

  Eagerly, Sarah took the box. It couldn’t be from Mike. “It’s from Scott,” she said, feeling her disappointment dissolve immediately. “Remember, he went with his family to look at colleges and visit relatives in Santa Fe.”

  “Lucky him,” Tina said.

  Sarah felt a momentary stab of guilt. If it hadn’t been for her search effort, the One Last Wish money could have been used for her family to go on a fabulous, luxurious vacation. Perhaps she was being selfish in not offering her parents some of the money to have a good time. “It’s your money,” her mom had told her. “Use it the way you must.” Sarah hadn’t offered any money because she honestly didn’t know how long it would take to find her birth mother, or how expensive the search might be. Maybe when the search was over, maybe after her transplant, she could offer to take everyone on a trip.

  “Aren’t you going to open it?” Tina asked.

  With a start, Sarah realized she’d been lost in thought. “Sure, I’m going to open it. Want to watch?” She could tell that Tina was interested.

  Tina sat on the edge of the sofa and asked, “What do you think it is?”

  Sarah shook the box. “Maybe it’s some Indian beads. That’s very popular stuff in Santa Fe.”

  “Open it already!”

  Sarah pulled off the wrapping. Inside the small box was a bracelet of hammered silver, set with turquoise stones. “It’s lovely,” she said, thrilled that Scott had not only thought of her, but sent her something so beautiful.

  “I’
ll say” Tina declared, checking the bracelet over carefully “Wish some guy as cute as Scott would send me a present.”

  “Someday, some guy will be falling all over you,” Sarah told her, trying to be kind.

  “Sure, if I stick my foot out and trip him.”

  Sarah laughed. She read Scott’s note: “To the wonderful girl with eyes as blue as these stones. Scott.” Sarah felt so happy, she blushed. Then, looking thoughtfully at her sister, she said, “Tina, you’re pretty.”

  “Do you think so? I think my nose is too big.”

  “It looks like Mom’s nose.”

  Tina rolled her eyes. “Oh, great. Why couldn’t I have gotten one that looked more like yours?”

  The comment was innocent enough, but their gazes tangled. Of course, there could never be a way for them to look alike—they weren’t related. Tina dropped her gaze and shrugged. “You know what I mean.”

  “Sure,” Sarah agreed hastily, not wanting the sisterly camaraderie to evaporate between them. It had been a while since they’d felt at ease around one another. “I know what you mean.”

  Tina stood. “I’ve got to split. I promised Mrs. Marcus I’d baby-sit Danny this morning.”

  Sarah felt a momentary twinge of jealousy. Babysitting Danny had always been her job. Now, she was too sick.

  “Thanks for putting in a good word for me,” Tina added. “If it hadn’t been for you, she wouldn’t have hired me. I’m saving my money for new school clothes.”

  “No problem,” Sarah replied, with more cheerfulness than she felt. “Have fun.” She watched Tina leave and settled back on the sofa with a sigh. She felt that life was passing her by, that everyone and everything was moving ahead.

  She had little in common with her friends anymore. Cammie, Natalie, and JoEllen were a tight threesome, doing things together when they were home, and making plans for another year. Even Tina was thinking about the future. Sarah hardly let herself dwell on thoughts of tomorrow. Now, with the realization that she was adopted, she wondered if she’d ever had an honest past.

  She thought about the enormous sum of money the anonymous JWC had given her. If only it could help her discover her past, then maybe she would have a future. She closed her eyes and prayed she’d hear from Mike soon.

  Fourteen

  SARAH SLOWLY BEGAN to regain her strength. She hoped they would get more information from Mike while she was feeling better, because she’d have to return to the hospital soon for additional chemo, and she knew she’d be sick afterward. She was finding it more difficult to rally between treatments, and she wanted to be well and strong when she met her mother for the first time.

  Dr. Hernandez called, concerned about Sarah’s latest lab work. In spite of the treatments, cancer cells had reappeared in her bone marrow. “We’re continuing to scan the registry in Sarah’s behalf,” Dr. Hernandez told Sarah’s parents. “I’m afraid, however, we’re not having any luck.”

  Sarah tried not to think that time was running out on her. Once they found her mother, things would be different. Her chances would be better. All she had to do was hold on until then. Sarah was half asleep when the phone rang late one night. Her father came into her room, bringing the cordless receiver to her. “It’s Mike Lions,” he said.

  Instantly awake, Sarah took the phone while her father went downstairs and picked up the extension in the family room. “Hi,” Sarah said, her voice breathless.

  “I hope it’s not too late for me to call.”

  “It’s all right.”

  “I found Janelle Warren.”

  For a moment, Sarah couldn’t speak. Her voice jammed in her throat, and her hands began to tremble. “Where are you, Mike?” she heard her father ask.

  “Los Angeles. I found her living in one of the little beach communities near LA. She has a home and a well-established reputation in the town. It looks as if she’ll be running for mayor in the fall elections.”

  Sarah felt a wave of delight spreading through her. Her mother might be famous. “You haven’t said anything to her, have you?” Sarah asked suddenly.

  “I’ve merely been observing her, checking on her discreetly,” Mike assured Sarah. “I’ve spent hours in the local library’s newspaper archives. What I’ve learned is, she’s been a resident here since the early eighties—very successful in real estate and influential in local politics.”

  “Does she have a family?” Sarah’s father asked.

  “She’s never married, although she’s dating a rather prominent attorney at this time.”

  Sarah felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. She had no blood brothers or sisters, which meant that bone marrow compatibility had to depend entirely on her mother. Unless, of course, her mother could help her find her natural father.

  “What do you want me to do?” Mike’s question brought Sarah back to the present.

  Her dad said, “My wife and Sarah and I will talk it over and get back to you tomorrow. Tell me how to reach you out there.”

  Sarah half heard the remainder of the conversation as her mind raced ahead with possibilities. When both her parents came into her room, she was waiting for them, sitting up in bed with her chin resting on her drawn-up knees. Her mom sat on the bed; her dad crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. Without giving them an opportunity to speak, Sarah blurted out, “I want to go to Los Angeles.”

  “Sarah, I don’t think you should—” her mother began.

  Sarah interrupted her. “I want to go.”

  “Your mother’s right, honey. Maybe we should let Mike handle it. He’s a professional, and he’s best prepared to deal with this kind of situation.”

  “No. I want to meet her … talk to her face-to-face,” Sarah insisted. She wanted to know why she’d been given away, but thought it best not to mention it.

  Her mom glanced nervously toward her dad. “I would have to go with you. It would be a big expense.”

  Sarah waved her objection aside. “I have the money, remember? And it’s all right if you come with me.” Sarah realized she could never make the trip on her own. She would need help, especially if she got sick while she was out there. Her mom had dealt with her cancer for years and could handle anything that might occur. “But you can’t get in the way of my meeting my mother,” Sarah warned. “I know you don’t want me to do this, but promise me you won’t interfere.”

  Her mom looked stricken. “Sarah, this may be hard on my feelings, but I’m well aware it’s your life we’re trying to save. Of course, I won’t get in the way.”

  Sarah felt agitated and restless. “How soon can we leave?” she asked.

  “I-I don’t know.… There’s so much I’ll have to do to prepare,” her mother said. “I’ll have to get someone to come in and watch Tina and Richie.”

  “Tina can handle it,” Sarah replied.

  “I don’t think—”

  “Stop treating her like a baby, Mom. You let her baby-sit for other people. She can look out for herself and Richie. She can cope in an emergency. You should let her do it. You can pay her with some of my One Last Wish money.”

  Her mother looked undecided as she nibbled on her bottom lip. “What do you think, Patrick?”

  “Sarah’s right. Tina’s pretty capable.” He thought a moment before continuing. “I’m right in the middle of some merger plans down at the office, but maybe I can put things on hold for a few days and come with you,” he mused out loud.

  “No,” her mom protested. “I might be willing to let Tina manage during the daytime, but not nights. I don’t want both of us out in California and the kids here alone.”

  He nodded in agreement. “Maybe you’re right. Mike will be out there with you, and if you need me, I can come.”

  Sarah listened while they made plans, barely able to contain her excitement. She was going to meet the woman who’d given birth to her, her real mother. Janelle might be surprised at Sarah’s entrance into her life—maybe shocked by it—but after they met, after they talke
d, Sarah felt sure Janelle would be glad Sarah had contacted her. Perhaps she’d even want Sarah to become a permanent part of her life.

  Tina’s eyes were wide as saucers as, early the next morning, her mother explained what was about to happen. Sarah sat at the kitchen table, listening and toying with a spoon in a bowl of soggy cereal.

  “You’re going all the way out to California?” Tina asked her mother.

  “It seems the only thing for us to do. Sarah needs to contact her—” she interrupted herself, “Ms. Warren as soon as possible. It may save time if Sarah goes to her personally.”

  Tina looked over at Sarah. “Gosh, I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll be all right here with Dad and Richie while we’re gone,” Sarah replied.

  “I can take care of the three of us. I can cook—some. I can keep Richie entertained.”

  “I’ll make up some casseroles and put them in the freezer,” Mom said. “You can microwave them for suppers.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “We’re not sure.”

  Sarah kept her eyes on her cereal bowl. All the details were frustrating her. She simply wanted to get on a plane and leave. Tina asked, “What will you tell Richie?”

  “I’ll tell him we have to go away because of Sarah’s illness. That’s the basic truth.”

  “I’ll talk to him,” Sarah added. “I’ll promise to bring him back a special surprise.”

  As their mom opened pantry doors and started making a grocery list, Tina turned to Sarah. “Are you nervous about meeting her?”

  “Some.” Actually, Sarah was extremely nervous.

  “I hope she’s nice to you.”

  “She’ll be nice,” Sarah said with more confidence than she felt.

  “I wish there were something I could do to help.”

  “You’re helping by taking care of Richie.”

  “I wish I could go with you.”

  “It’s not exactly a vacation, Tina.”

  “I know, but I’d still like to go along. It seems exciting … going to Los Angeles.”