Ice Cream and Incidents

by Agatha Frost

  “It’s called Sparkles by the Sea,” Julia said as she looked along the row of B&Bs they were approaching. “From the looks of the map, it’s quite big.”

  They all joined in the search for the B&B, their eyes seeming to land on it at the exact same moment. Sparkles stood in the centre of a strip of ordinary B&Bs, but their destination looked anything but ordinary. Bright pink and five times wider than the B&Bs on either side, Sparkles faced out to sea with a vibrancy that was sorely missing from the other drab buildings.

  “It’s so huge,” said Barker.

  “It’s so pink,” Jessie added.

  “It’s so Blackpool,” Alfie said with a grin.

  Julia followed the road to the end and turned up a side street for parking as instructed on the map. After scraping together enough coins to cover the parking for the week, they took their bags back to the promenade and walked down to their new home.

  Standing on the pavement as people hurried by in either direction, they stared up at the blinking blue neon ‘Sparkles by the Sea’ sign. A smaller sign underneath advertised it as a ‘Cabaret Show Bar Bed and Breakfast’, two concepts that needed to be seen to be believed. The left half of the ground floor seemed to house the bar aspect of the business. It had its own entrance and tables outside, all of which were full. Even through the darkened windows, she could tell that the bar was packed with people. The right side of the ground floor appeared to be the hotel’s restaurant, with the upper floors occupied by the bedrooms. There were more windows than Julia could count, but the flashing ‘NO VACANCIES’ sign let her know they had at least won tickets to a popular place.

  Bags in hand, they walked silently to the hotel’s entrance, which was marked with another neon sign. Julia led the way through the vanity bulb-lined front door and into a small vestibule. Framed pictures of glamorously dressed women covered the walls. It took Julia a moment to realise they were drag queens. The centre picture, which was more significant than the rest, advertised a beautiful queen in a straight blonde wig as ‘Celebrity Illusionist - Simone Phoenix’, the ‘New Star Attraction for Summer 2018’. On closer inspection, Julia realised she was impersonating Cher in the picture, the resemblance so uncanny that she was surprised she had not immediately spotted it.

  “Well, this is certainly different,” Julia said with a smile as she rang the doorbell on the locked interior door.

  The door flung open almost immediately to reveal a tall man with slicked back brown hair and half a face of elaborate makeup. His features had been chiselled out with dark powder, and his eyes looked three times the size of a regular humans thanks to smoky black shadow and thick, lustrous lashes. He had outlined the exaggerated shape for his lips but had yet to fill them in. To contrast with the beautiful makeup, he was wearing a plain white T-shirt and faded jeans.

  “You’ll have to excuse my half-done face, dear,” the man exclaimed as he took in Julia’s pink and blue floral summer dress. “Oh, I say! You’ve come in our signature colours, and you look beautiful. I count four frightened faces, so I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you dears are the competition winners. Well, don’t just stand out there all day. Come in! I don’t like leaving the door open. It lets the fun leak out.”

  The tall man took Julia’s bag from her and held open the door as they walked into the hallway, which had been decorated in bright pink and blue leopard print pattern wallpaper. Framed pictures of cabaret stage performances lined the walls to the reception desk at the end of the hall.

  “From your expressions, I’m going to assume you’ve never heard of Sparkles by the Sea,” the man announced as he walked around the desk, which also happened to be a large tank housing dozens of colourful fish. “My name is Russell Braithwaite, also known as Lulu Suede when I’m in full drag, and I am the proud owner of this establishment. I’ll hold for applause.” Russell held out his hands, but none of them clapped. “Tough crowd. I’m joking, dears. The looks on your faces!” Russell chuckled to himself as he typed something into a laptop on the desk. “I’ve been the owner of Sparkles for ten years now, for my sins. I bought the place from the legendary Cream Cake Devour shortly before her death, may she rest in peace. Sparkles has been providing clean, family friendly drag fun to Blackpool for over thirty years. If you want the raunchy stuff, you’ll have to go further into the dark streets for that. We’re all about entertaining your kids and your granny at the same time here, and if you leave your political correctness at the door, we do just that. We’re not only a popular bed and breakfast with impeccable standards, but we also provide world class all day entertainment in our cabaret bar. Honey, our youngest queen, is currently in there amusing with drag bingo.”

  “Drag bingo?” Barker asked. “What’s that?”

  “Well, it’s normal bingo, but the announcer is in drag,” Russell explained flatly. “Don’t worry, dear, you’ll catch up eventually. You’ve arrived just in time for my ice cream brunch. And before you ask, it’s where you all sit down and eat delicious ice cream while I tell jokes. That’s what Lulu Suede does. I’m a comedian. Honey is our artsy young queen who thinks she’s good enough for a single name, but that never stopped Madonna or Adele, did it?”

  “And Drake,” Jessie added.

  “Who, dear?” Russell asked as he continued to type before his eyes drifted to something behind them. “Ah! This is Feather Duster, our old, old, old, old, old veteran queen.”

  They all turned to look at a short, plump drag queen in a sequin dress and a short grey curly wig as she walked through the front door.

  “You missed off an extra old,” Feather Duster said with a wave of her hand as she slipped through a door that led to the bar.

  “Our Feather Duster has been here since the day Sparkles opened in 1988, and some say she was even hanging around outside before we opened. Nobody knows exactly how old Feather Duster is, but we assume she was there for the invention of the wheel. She won’t let me cut her in half to count the rings, so it remains a mystery.” Russell finished typing and looked up. “We also have Simone Phoenix, our newest Sparkles recruit. She’s a fabulous celebrity impersonator who headlines our nightly cabaret show. I highly recommend you see her in action tonight. We also have Tuna Turner. We started in drag together at the same dingy backstreet bar almost twenty years ago. It’s been turned into a coffee shop now, but it’s probably for the best. She’s our resident fishy queen.”

  “Fishy queen?” Julia asked.

  “Fishy queens are drag queens who look like real women,” Russell explained. “So, the opposite of what I do. I’m a clown. I like to make people laugh and look silly doing it. It takes Tuna two hours to paint her face, and I can do mine in half an hour in a pinch. I keep her around to admire her beauty, and we go way back. If you see an incredibly beautiful woman with an attitude problem, it’s probably Tuna. Now, you know who we are, but I have no idea who you beautiful people are. I spoke to a lady called Dot on the phone, but none of you looks like a ‘Dot’ to me.”

  “I’m Julia, and this is my fiancé, Barker,” Julia said, stepping to the side to reveal Jessie and Alfie. “This is our soon-to-be adopted daughter, Jessie, and her older brother, Alfie. Alfie took Dot’s place. She’s come down with a cold so she couldn’t make it.”

  “How modern!” Russell exclaimed before hitting one final key on the laptop. “You’ll fit right into our colourful family. All jokes aside, if you need anything at all, please don’t be afraid to ask. For a bunch of old queens, we pride ourselves on our professionalism and hospitality. Breakfast is served at eight sharp in the restaurant to my right, and there’s always something happening in the bar to my left, so don’t be afraid to venture inside. We don’t bite, much. Julia and Barker, I’m putting you in the Liza Minnelli suite, and Jessie and Alfie, you are in the Madonna twin room next door.”

  Russell handed over two sets of keys, both of which had their respective celebrity themes printed on the plastic room number keyring.

  “Have fun, join in, a
nd don’t take it too seriously!” Russell announced, clapping his hands together. “There’s a lift through the restaurant. You’re up on the top floor. You can’t miss your rooms.”

  Julia picked up her bag as the door to the bar opened. A young drag queen in a David Bowie-style orange mullet wig walked out in a sheer gold mesh shirt with flared black trousers.

  “I’m going to kill her, Lulu!” the queen announced as she leaned against the wall. “Simone’s just told me she’s bumping my routine down to the second slot tonight. She’s trying to push me out! She knows it doesn't work there in the show. I always go on before she does!”

  “Guests, Honey,” Russell said, nodding to the quartet. “Excuse her. She’s eighteen and hasn’t realised the world doesn’t revolve around her yet.” Russell turned to Honey, a stern expression underneath his makeup-caked face. “Honey, go and take a smoke break, and come back with your attitude in check. You’re a boy in a wig. It doesn’t all have to be this serious.”

  Honey rolled her eyes and stomped down the corridor towards the entrance. Russell smiled apologies to his guests.

  “They say never work with children and animals, but I say, never work with drag queens,” he said. “It ages you. I’m only forty-two, but I look eighty-seven under this cake face. If you can find your rooms on your own, I’ll have to excuse myself. The ice cream brunch starts in ten minutes, and as usual, I’m nowhere near ready.”

  With that, Russell headed through a door behind the desk, leaving them to walk through a 1950s American diner themed restaurant to the lift as instructed.

  “I don’t think we know what we’ve let ourselves in for,” Barker said with an awkward laugh as he looked around the diner.

  “I think this is going to be fun,” Julia replied. “Dot doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

  “Or maybe she does,” Jessie said quietly, her eyes darting from side to side as she looked around the empty diner. “Let’s not forget Evelyn’s prophecy.”

  But Julia had forgotten all about Evelyn’s prophecy. She looked around the restaurant as the lift descended from a higher level, wondering what ‘darkness’ Evelyn had sensed in a place that was clearly intent on bringing happiness. Julia had never put much stock into vague prophecies, but Evelyn had fully believed her words when handing over the envelope. The reminder from Jessie had planted a small seed of something in the back of Julia’s mind that was making her look at the joyfully decorated B&B with slightly different eyes. She shook her head, determined not to let a vague warning of ‘darkness’ ruin their break.

  “We’re going to have fun,” Julia repeated firmly as the lift doors slid open. “You’ll see.”

  3

  After leaving their bags in the celebrity-themed bedrooms, they spent the rest of the afternoon exploring Blackpool. They started by eating the largest portions of fish and chips any of them had ever seen at a chippy on the corner before taking a stroll along Central Pier. After spending a small fortune in the amusement arcade on the pier, they visited the large Sea Life aquarium, then grabbed ice cream from a van on the side of the road before heading back to their rooms to get ready for the evening show. Evelyn’s warning of ‘darkness’ was already a distant memory.

  By the time Julia was back in the Liza Minnelli suite, she felt well and truly relaxed. Her apprehension about leaving Peridale had vanished.

  Staring at the giant mural of Liza in her spotlight against a red backdrop in her Cabaret outfit, Julia was tempted to call Katie to see how her first day had gone. She got as far as hovering over her name on her phone, but she decided to leave it for the time being. Even though she still had her doubts, she was sure someone in the village would have called if something disastrous had happened. She made a mental note to call on Sunday when Katie had worked through two full days.

  After Barker walked out of the en-suite bathroom with a large pink towel hugging his hips, Julia jumped into the shower and washed the day away. The hours of driving and salty sea air had played havoc with her chocolaty curls, making her glad that the shower was hot and powerful. When she was squeaky clean, she pulled on one of the complimentary fuzzy pink dressing gowns.

  Barker was writing at the table next to the window, still only wearing a towel around his waist. With the curtains open, they had a perfect view of the sea.

  “It looks like you could fall right off the edge,” Julia said as she ran a small towel through her dripping hair. “I always wondered what it would be like to live by the seaside.”

  A seagull dove past the window, squawking as it went. Barker sighed and dropped his pen before pinching between his eyes. He pushed the small book away with a huff.

  “It’s like trying to draw blood from a stone,” he said, rubbing his neck as though he had just done a workout. “Do you think it’s too late to beg for my job back at the station?”

  Julia tilted her head to read what he had written. ‘Drag queens by the sea. Fish and chips. Aquarium’. His publisher had recommended that he write his thoughts and experiences in a journal to help prompt his writing.

  “Still having a block?” she asked, gazing in the direction of Central Pier as the Ferris wheel slowly turned.

  “I’m starting to think the first book was a fluke,” he said, staring darkly at the journal. “I can’t form a simple sentence about my day.”

  Julia sat at the dressing table and watched Barker through the mirror as he rubbed the creases in his forehead. Ever since the release of his first crime novel a month ago, he had been struggling with the process of the follow-up. With the whole country enjoying Barker’s first effort, he seemed to be suffering from the pressure of making lightning strike twice. Now that the press hype had died down, Barker had time to sit and write again away from the cameras, but he had yet to produce anything without deleting it immediately after.

  “When I bake a great cake that everyone loves, I always worry when I have to make another,” Julia said with a soft smile when his eyes met hers in the mirror. “I find letting go of that expectation is the only way to get through it. Don’t compare, just create. If you enjoy what you’re producing, other people will too.”

  Barker nodded his understanding and picked up the pen again. He continued writing for a second before sighing and snapping his journal shut.

  “I’ll come back to it tomorrow,” he said before jumping up. “Maybe tonight’s show will get my creative cogs turning again.”

  “You should write your next book about killer drag queens,” Julia joked as she searched the drawers to find a hairdryer. “They could be killed by arsenic in the eyeshadow, or an exploding wig.”

  “I don’t think the publishers would quite go for that.” Barker opened the wardrobe and pulled out a pale blue shirt. “Is this too much?”

  “I don’t think it’s enough.” Julia chuckled. “You could always borrow one of my dresses. You’ll fit right in. They might even ask you to get up and do a little number.”

  “I’ll leave that to the professionals.” Barker put the shirt back and pulled out one of his usual plain white ones. “I’ll play it safe tonight. I have all week to experiment with colour.”

  Julia reached the bottom drawer where there was a notice letting her know to ask reception for a hairdryer. Julia looked around for a phone to call down, but there did not seem to be one. Leaving Barker to pick between his almost identical white shirts, she pushed her feet into the matching pink slippers before making her way down the hallway to the lift at the end. When the elevator reached the ground floor, the doors opened onto the full restaurant. Julia looked down at her dressing gown and pulled it tighter together. She nearly went back up to her room to put some clothes on, but people were already giving her strange looks. With an awkward smile, she hurried across the diner, keeping her hands firmly on the front of the gown to stop it fluttering open.

  The reception desk was unmanned, but there was a glittery pink doorbell on the wall. She was about to press it when the door behind the fish tank counter opene
d slightly. She stepped to the side and saw Russell holding the door open with his back to Julia. In front of him stood a tall drag queen unmistakably dressed as Dolly Parton in a signature white jumpsuit and giant blonde wig.

  “Just go and get ready for your show,” Russell demanded, the charm and happiness from earlier absent in his voice. “I’m not going through this again, Simone.”

  Simone Phoenix, the celebrity illusionist, walked to the open door, but she stopped directly in front of Russell’s face. Russell was tall, but Simone towered over Russell in her heels.

  “You’ve got a bad memory, Russell,” the drag queen hissed in his face. “Let’s not forget how empty this place was before I came here. You were on the edge. Simone Phoenix is the star. I saved this place. People come to see me.”

  “You’re not irreplaceable. Nobody is.”

  “If I go, the people will follow me to wherever I work next. I gave you a good deal because of our history, but the trial period is over. Increase my salary, or I walk.”

  Simone marched out of the small office and past Julia without so much as a glance in her direction. Simone picked up a guitar that was leaning against the wall and walked into the bar. Julia hovered for a moment, unsure of what to do. The office door closed again, so she rang the doorbell. Russell appeared seconds later with a wide grin, showing no signs of the conflict that she had just witnessed. Julia was impressed by how good an actor he was.

  “That’s certainly a look,” Russell said as he took in the dressing gown. “Although I have to say, I preferred the dress you were wearing this afternoon. Hairdryer?”

  “Yes, please,” Julia said, feeling her cheeks blush as she pulled the gown together even tighter. “I think I forgot I wasn’t at home for a moment.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.” Russell opened the office door and nodded for Julia to follow him inside. “C’mon. Let’s get you away from prying eyes. People will start questioning what kind of establishment I’m running.”