Effected Intent

by Alan Ross

  Chapter 16

  Bill Finds Something Odd

  Mike was dying, he had to do something but he couldn’t move. He was pinned between the door and the steering wheel. Mike’s legs were basically gone and Bill tried not to look. He tried to talk to his best friend, to tell him he was sorry for doing this, sorry for everything but he didn’t get the chance. Mike died before Bill could apologize to him. The scream wouldn’t come out, there was a pain in his heart that would never go away, he knew it in that instant. His body shot up from the bed and the first thing he did was feel for his leg to see if it was broken. He wasn’t in the car, it was the dream again. Almost twenty years and he was still haunted by that night. Bill wished for the light, knowing that he wouldn’t get any more sleep.

  It was early Sunday morning and the cell block was quiet save the periodic snoring coming from one cell or another. The recycling crew had worked on some other company’s material and they must have a much stricter policy around disposal of classified information because Bill found very little of interest, choosing to spend the time actually working instead of rooting around. Bill getting bored with the chemical company, not much more he can do with the information he had and thought this would probably be the last week that he’d do any investigation. He thought about everything he knew and how it might be possible to let the company know without giving himself up. Under recent legislation Bill had most likely committed several felonies and if caught would not only lose his prison office job but also any other special privileges and access to computers. There was little to gain at this point and a lot to lose.

  He spent the remaining hours before dawn thinking of how he could anonymously release the information he’d collected. There were programs called remailers that would strip the mail header information, which was used to track the routing of messages, and replace the headers before sending the message through several more mail systems to further remove the sender from the recipient. The challenge with remailers was that many mail systems today classified them as spam and would delete them before the intended recipient could see them. Maybe if he sent repeated messages some would get through and if he didn’t use common spam subject lines they might get through. He could also set up an anonymous website but then there was the challenge of how to get the people he wanted to visit it to actually go there, which was typically done via email. Maybe a few different emails that pointed to an anonymous, secure website would work. It came down to how much Bill was willing to risk in order to make the chemical company more secure. Probably better to back out all of the modifications he’d made to do the monitoring and delete any evidence from his computer system in the prison office.

  Daylight brought his only day to do what pleased him, at least to the degree you can when in prison. He was very hungry at breakfast, which was a bit of a surprise and then it was off to the gym with William for a good long workout. “So what’s new Billy? You look like you’re getting fat from sitting on your ass all week.”

  “Thanks William, I appreciate that. Pulling six days a week doesn’t leave much time for working out, except for some pushups and situps in the cell at night.”

  “Think we’ll push you a bit harder today then.”

  “Great, I could use a good workout. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Body probably needs to be worked hard so I can get a good night sleep tonight.”

  It was a great workout but Bill could barely lift his arms when they were done and knew that his chest would be really sore tomorrow. They finished before lunch and during lunch Bill was paged, letting him know he had visitors.

  “Expecting anyone today Billy?”

  “Not that I’m aware of. Hopefully it’s my Mom, haven’t seen her in a while.”

  “Tell her that even though we’ve never bet I said hi and hope that all is good for her.”

  “Thanks William, I’ll see you at dinner time.” Bill went to the visitation area and wanted to turn and run. Instead he almost fainted in shock. In front of him was his mother, sister and Mike Watts’ mother, Jean. He would never forget the look that Jean and Mike’s dad Joe had given him during the trial. They wished he was gone and nothing that Bill could do or say would change their minds. After a few seconds, Bill was able to approach the table where the three women sat.

  “I’m so glad to see you guys, it’s been so long.” Bill hugged his mother and kissed her on the cheek, boy did she feel frail. There were tears in her eyes, she was probably having similar feeling, expecting to see her baby and seeing her now approaching middle age son. He hugged Ellie, who looked great, now a mother of two young children and still keeping the glow of youth about her.

  “Mrs. Watts”, Bill approached her, uncertain of what to do. “I’m surprised to see you, thank you for coming.”

  She stood and hugged him, thinking of her long lost son. “Joe died earlier this year and I think that part of the reason he passed so young was because he could never accept what happened back then. I have spent the past six months confronting the past and don’t want to have the same fate. We needed to talk.”

  Bill thought of his own father, who had died way too young and Bill knew that if he had been alive when the crash happened it would have pushed him to his grave. “I’m glad to see you, he said as they released from the hug and sat down.” His heart was heavy but seeing all of them was going to have a cathartic effect in the coming days.

  “We brought you some goodies, know that you get some of this during the week from Kathy but it might be good to share with some of your friends who don’t have the same opportunity.” His mom passed over a gigantic box of cookies, brownies, cupcakes and other treats. Bill’s mouth watered as he thought about digging in to them later. “How are things going Billy?”

  “Not much new that I haven’t relayed to you in my letters. Been really busy between the prison office work and the recycling activities of the past couple months. Still spend some time in the library and work out when I can. Don’t see outside much, as you can tell by my skin tone, hear in the office how nice the weather’s been so far this year.”

  “There hasn’t been much rain, have to water my garden so everything doesn’t die. Had to get some help from Warren this year, couldn’t do the digging and planting anymore.” Warren was Ellie’s husband and Bill knew he was like a son to his mom. Warren had been down periodically before they had children but now stayed back to take care of the kids when Ellie did come to visit.

  “How are Warren and the kids doing El?”

  “They’re fine, kids are getting bigger all the time, we’re looking for a place with a bigger yard so they don’t destroy the house with all that pent up energy. Never thought having two boys would take such a toll on the house.” She extracted some pictures from her purse and passed a few to Bill, a couple of school pictures, sports pictures and then some candid shots that had been taken around Easter. They were cute kids and Bill could see some of himself in the older one, Joshua David, who had received his middle name courtesy of his dad.

  “Joshua is going to play football this year, just signed him up a couple weeks ago. You’ll never guess who’s running the midget football program. Terry Jones, he asked about you and wanted to send his best. He has three boys and they all play football, I hear that they’re pretty good. Terry is a history teacher at one of the high schools, forget which one.”

  “Terry was a good guy, glad to hear things are going well for him. I’m really glad you guys came down.” Bill grabbed his sister’s hands and held them for a while, something they would have never done as kids. It was great to feel the bond between them, the look in her eyes that said she loved him and even though he was a lifer she still cared. He looked at Mrs. Watts, who was crying.

  “I’m so sorry Mrs. Watts; I know this is hard for you and personally I never thought I’d see you again. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about Mike and Don and wish I could go back and change it. Not for them, but for me. I’d take t
he life in prison if it meant they’d still be here.”

  She couldn’t speak and Sue had her arm around her shoulder. “I know this is hard dear, remember what we talked about though. This time is for you, it’s not about how Billy feels, it’s about how you’re feeling and telling Bill.”

  Jean Watts composed herself for a second, steeling for the coming words, which she’d had plenty of time to think about. “Bill, when I saw you in that court room, there was a part of me that wanted to hug you and tell you it was ok, that I knew it was an accident. Mostly I wanted to kill you right there, didn’t care about my own life, just wanted to shoot you and have you be gone – some justice for taking the life of my only child. I carried that hate around inside for the past twenty years and part of me knew that it was wrong but it became my identity. I was the woman whose only child was taken away in his prime and now she had none.” Bill tried to interrupt but she held up her hand. “This is hard enough, please let me finish Bill. Since I lost Joe I now understand that there’s only one way to move forward and that is to forgive you for what happened. I always knew it was an accident and even tried to think about what I would think and feel if it had been Mike who was driving that night and you that died but it was impossible for me to truly do that because it wasn’t that way. I am here to tell you that I forgive you, can you please accept that forgiveness?”

  Bill was crying now, thinking about what it must have been like for both Mike and Don’s parents these many years. He glanced down at the picture of the nephews he never met and wondered what it would be like for Ellie and Warren if the boys were taken from them. “I’m so sorry Mrs. Watts, I accept your forgiveness.”

  “Now for the big one Bill, part of this cycle and the reason for this visit was not only for me to forgive you but for me to implore you to forgive yourself. You’ve done the best you can given your situation but harboring these feelings had to be eating you up. It’s time to move on, time to live your life. There’s nothing you can do to bring Mike and Don back but there’s something you can do to save your own life. This is a non-negotiable request Bill. It might be impossible for you to truly believe the words but I want you to promise me that you’re going to live your own life.”

  Bill sat for many seconds thinking about this, all eyes across the table anxiously watching for his response. It was apparent that they’d spent a lot of time talking about today and getting this message across to Bill. His mom and sister had spent many years telling him to move on but that wasn’t the same as Mike’s mom doing the same. “I promise to try Mrs. Watts. I can’t promise that I’ll do it but I’m going to try and move on.” The three sets of eyes across the table showed relief mixed with sorrow, thinking about the past two decades and all that had been lost but relief that things might change.

  They talked for another hour or so, most of the time spent talking about what was happening in western New York, which was now a shell of what it once had been. Jamestown was a ghost town and the rest of the area suffered from an economic downturn that showed no signs of slowing, especially in light of what was going on in the American economy. The hope was a change in the White House might be good for America and their depressed area but it seemed that there was little hope. Everything from Erie to Buffalo was a shell of what it had been in the post world war two era and there was no improvement in sight.

  When it was time to leave Bill hugged his mother a long time. “Thanks for having the strength and courage to hang in there Mom. I will take Mrs. Watts’ words to heart and think about forgiving myself. Maybe I’ll be out someday and we can have some time together.”

  “That is one of the things I live for Billy. I’ve been blessed with beautiful grandchildren and a daughter and son in law that live nearby but I miss you and your father with the rest of my heart.” Bill was torn apart, thinking about everything that had transpired in the past few months, as if there was a shift in the energy of the universe and the world was changing for him. He said goodbye and went directly to his cell, needing a break before dinner. Sleep didn’t come but he wasn’t feeling the despair in the same way either. The dream had been a sign to him that something was going to happen and he hoped that it was the last time he had that dream, hoped with all of his heart. His brain passed to more pleasant thoughts, the time that he and Shannon spent together in the prison office. It was something he had bottled up in light of all that was going on but it was another ray of hope for him, that maybe he could one day leave and have a relationship with someone.

  He must have dozed off because the dinner buzzer woke him with a start, at least he hadn’t been dreaming. Gathering up some of the goodies in his care package, he went to the dining hall and filled his tray without the intention of eating. He gave away his food to his friends and passed William the treats as a payback for the ones the big guy gave him when he had visitors. “Thanks for the stuff Bill, I ran out of what my mom brought earlier this week and was craving something that didn’t come from Dr. Mengele’s cafeteria experiment from hell.”

  Bill tried to think of something other than the meeting today, which was haunting him and forcing some things to the surface that were normally reserved for his dreams. He thought about forgiving himself and what that truly meant. His thoughts went back to freedom, having a place of his own or moving back in with his mom, helping her take care of the garden and the house, relieving her of some of the emptiness in the house and her life. He also thought about staying in this area, maybe going to work for a company like Foundation to help them secure their environment, something that would be challenging, interesting and beneficial. After a while all of these thoughts began to give Bill feelings of agoraphobia, thinking that he’d spent so much time in a confined space, the sight of the open sky might cause him to go insane. He curled up under his blanket, further confining himself to something safe and was asleep before lights out, catching up on what he’d missed the night before. It was the most peaceful night he could remember.

  Today was the start of Don’s big two week family vacation, they were driving around the country seeing famous spots, including Yellowstone, Mount Rushmore and then heading south to the Grand Canyon. It was a very ambitious vacation, especially with small kids, but don and Joanie had been taking the kids on trips like this for most of their lives and it was something that everyone looked forward to. Bill remembered how much he and Ellie would fight on a drive to Boston, which was only five hours away, couldn’t imagine spending a couple of weeks in the car with her. Don and Joanie had a pop-up camper that they took, which gave them cheap lodging and still kept their sport utility for doing local commuting. The mood around the office was light, everyone looking forward to some stress free time.

  Bill was working on extending the purchasing program to now deal with the accounts payable side, making sure that they were integrated. Don had successfully pitched the purchasing program to the other prison managers before he left for vacation and now Bill was working with some of the other IT people across the prison district to get them to adopt the system. Ultimately they would all be connected so that better leverage and coordination could be done. There was substantial cost savings projected and Don was looking to Bill to help drive the effort. One of the other prisons had brought a prisoner into the office to do some programming and it had felt strange to Bill the first time he talked to him. Kathy had asked Bill to work with him and help him acclimate to the job and Bill had to think back to what it was like that first few months, how apprehensive the other office workers were and how protective they were of their personal items, thinking that any inmate was going to steal anything that wasn’t locked down. Tim was facing the same things that Bill had gone through so long ago and he tried to relate how to deal with the situation by staying calm, not taking things personally and build up trust slowly, one action at a time.

  “Hey son, you seem distracted today, what’s on your mind?”

  “My brain has been on overdrive lately, there is so much happening. Do you have
a few minutes to talk?” she nodded that she did and they went to the conference room and closed the door. Bill sighed and rewound his brain to see where to begin. “I had visitors yesterday. My mom and Ellie came down but you’ll never guess who came with them. It was Mrs. Watts, Mike’s mom. And the strangest thing was that Saturday night I had the nightmare of the wreck and lost about half the night’s sleep.”

  “So what happened with Mrs. Watts?”

  “She told me that she forgave me for what happened and she made me promise to forgive myself. It was very emotional but at the same time it did cause me to think of things in a different light.”

  “How long have we been telling you the same thing Bill? You’ve heard this message from everyone in this office and your family for a lot of years. Even Shannon sees that you have to move on from what happened. We all want to see you walk out of here one day.”

  “Talking to Tim down at Chillicothe is also bringing back a lot of memories, this is such a dramatic time all around.” Bill was holding back tears and his head was starting to hurt.

  Kathy put her hand on his shoulder and rubbed his back to calm him down. “Take some time to let everything sink in Bill, you can’t possibly absorb everything that’s been happening too quickly. The timing is probably good with Don out of the office for you to let your mind wrap around some of this and forget about the work for a few days. I’ll bring you some special food too, maybe that will help. You’ve been here a long time, don’t make big decisions without taking some time.”

  Bill thought about it and thanked her for the talk. Kathy left the conference room and he took a few more minutes to think about everything that’d been going on. Talking to Kathy hadn’t settled anything but still made him feel better. He went back to his desk and tried to concentrate but couldn’t so he wrote an email to Mike to ask him what he should do. This seemed a bit stupid to Bill but for some reason he felt like he needed to do this right now. It took almost an hour to get all the thoughts and feelings on to the page and when he was done he’d made a decision. There was no point in sending it off to the ether so Bill deleted the draft message, not wanting to look at it again.

  After lunch Bill was ready to get back to work. He spent about an hour reading about anonymous remailers and some of the ways that they could be leveraged without coming across as spam to the recipient. Most were in countries that wouldn’t cooperate with the United States in an investigation, primarily in Eastern Europe. There was also the possibility of finding an unpatched or misconfigured mail server that could be used to spoof the source address of a message, which is what a lot of spammers do.

  Bill decided to study the messages coming and going from Foundation’s mail server to see what typical corporate email traffic looked like. They had some rudimentary spam filters in place and Bill studied the messages that were blocked, most of them had content in the subject line or body of the message that referred to sex, drugs or some combination of both. It was pretty obvious how to avoid the spam filters, most of them seemed to use basic keyword matches or ran checks on the source address of the message to see if it was on a blocked list or what was commonly referred to as being “black holed”, which can be quite detrimental to conducting business if nobody else will accept emails from your domain.

  Bill moved to the mail server and checked their logs, which revealed all of the sender mail addresses, recipient mail addresses and subject of the message. It also contained the mail header information, which was the routing information of the mail messages. He scrolled through thousands of messages before deciding to download them to a file and sort through them programmatically. He did a frequency count on senders and recipients, looking to see if there was anything interesting. Most of the mails were between Foundation and their suppliers or their customers. A number of employees subscribed to mailing lists, which caused quite a bit of traffic across the company gateway. Bill was getting bored when he came across a count of twelve inbound and fifteen outbound messages that were sourced from or intended for cia.gov, the mail server for the United States Central Intelligence Agency. Suddenly Bill wasn’t bored anymore and wanted to know more.