She’s Like The Wind

by Elks, Carrie

  She wasn’t going to beg. Not while she had some semblance of self respect left. It hurt like hell to have him speak to her like this, but she wasn’t going to let him know that.

  “Ally,” he said again. And once again she waited, her teeth gritting together when she realized he wasn’t going to follow it up. That’s when the anger began to rise inside her, replacing the sadness and the indignation. This man had slept with her, he’d listened to her worst fears, confided some of his own. And yet right now he was treating her like a stranger. No, worse than that. He wouldn’t talk to a stranger the way he was talking to her, not without risking getting his face punched.

  She looked around the large living room, taking in the beautiful walnut polished floor, the expensive furnishings, the original paintings that had been expertly chosen to complete the look. This wasn’t home. It was far from it – so far she couldn’t quite remember what she was doing here.

  She took a deep breath and reached up with her free hand to wipe away the tears that were spilling down her face. “The superintendent of my apartment called earlier. The elevator’s finally fixed.” She didn’t wait for a response. “I’ll move out tomorrow morning,” she said, trying to keep her voice as mild as possible. “That way when you and Riley get home I won’t be here.”

  “There’s no rush.”

  Yes there was. If her whole body hurt now, it was going to hurt so much more when she saw them in the flesh. She didn’t trust herself not to break down in front of them, and there was no way she wanted to make this situation worse than it already was.

  Nate had made it clear that Riley came first, and that was how it should be. And if the way he did it was cruel and unfeeling? Well, she was a big girl now. She could handle it.

  “It’s fine. I’ll be gone by the time you’re back.”

  “I can help you. Or call somebody…”

  “No. I have friends. I’ll ask them for help.”

  He was silent again. As though her last words had sunk in.

  “I’m going to bed,” she told him, more than ready for this conversation to end. “Thanks for letting me stay. And good luck with Riley. She’s a good kid, try not to be too hard on her.” She licked her lips, tasting the salt of her tears. “Goodbye, Nate.”

  She didn’t wait for him to reply. There was nothing he could say that would make her feel any better. Pulling the phone from her face she ended the call and leaned back on the sofa, closing her eyes.

  She was alone again. Completely and utterly. But that was okay. She’d been alone before and survived it. This time she was going into it as a pro.

  * * *

  Shit.

  Nate’s hands curled into fists. He wanted to hit something. Anything. But it was in the middle of the goddamned night here in Boston and any sudden movement was sure to wake Riley or Kirsten up.

  He wasn’t quite sure what the hell had just happened. There’d been something in Ally’s tone that had reminded him of Stephanie. Something about the way she’d said ‘us’ that had put him on edge. As if she was trying to make him choose again. Between the woman he’d desired and the daughter he’d promised to always take care of.

  It was a no-brainer. And Ally should know that.

  He shook his head, still not able to understand how the conversation had gotten so messed up so quickly. But his brain couldn’t focus on it no matter how hard he tried. No big surprise, really – it was after three in the morning here in Boston. California seemed like more than half a world away. Those nights with Ally seemed like a hazy dream.

  And his actions like a nightmare.

  He dropped his head into his hands and leaned back on the couch. Kirsten had made it up, tucking a crisp white sheet over the cushions, putting two plump pillows on the armrest. On top there was a thick red comforter, enough to block out the chill of the Boston night.

  All he could think about was the previous night. How connected they’d been, how he’d held her and felt so much warmth, not just from her skin but from being with her. The memory of the break in her voice as he told her there was no ‘us’ made him feel sick. His heart ached at the thought of her all alone in his house, thinking he didn’t care.

  The problem was he cared too much. He was in danger of losing his daughter because of it. He couldn’t let it happen. While they’d been talking on the phone it had felt like that conversation with Stephanie all over again. She wanted to talk about their relationship while all he could think about was losing his daughter.

  Yeah, but she isn’t Stephanie, is she? She’s never once asked you to choose between her and Riley. They love each other, any fool could see that.

  There was a truth to that voice in his head that made him want to punch something. His chest felt as though it was being torn in two. He’d messed up and he kept making it worse. And he had no idea what to do next.

  What the hell had he done?

  Should he call her back? He looked at his phone, at the time reflecting on the screen. It was so late it wasn’t funny. More importantly, he was beyond tired. Beyond exhausted. It was as though his body was running on fumes, each part of him slowly breaking down until he was going to stop all together. The entire apartment was silent, save for the creaking of the old pipes and the loud insistent beat of his heart. He cleared his throat just to hear some noise.

  If he called her back he’d probably make it worse. His brain wasn’t working properly, that much was clear. No matter how he looked at things he had no idea how to make both his daughter and the woman he cared for happy. He needed to get Riley home and safe, and then he could work things out. Find a way forward from this mess he’d found himself in.

  A mess of his own damn creation.

  Ally was different, that little voice he hated so much whispered from deep inside his mind. She was kind and funny and for some reason she liked you. You’re a dipshit, Nate Crawford.

  The truth of those words made him hate himself a little bit more.

  He’d dug himself a hole so deep he wasn’t sure how to climb out of it. And in doing so, he might have lost the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  27

  When Ally walked into her apartment building it felt completely wrong. Though it had only been a few weeks since Ally was last there, everything felt so much smaller. As she made her way into the elevator, Ember and Lucas following close behind, Ally had to swallow down the feelings of panic that threatened to envelope her.

  Was it possible to develop claustrophobia over the course of a few days? Because right now it was all she could do to keep herself breathing.

  “Are you okay?” Ember asked, tipping her head to the side. “You look ill.”

  “I’m fine.” Ally nodded as though that would convince her friend. “Or I will be as soon as the elevator takes us to my floor. I don’t trust this new part they installed yet.”

  Lucas smiled. “I checked the maintenance log. It’s all good.”

  Ember rubbed his arm. “My hero.” She glanced at Ally. “I knew having a firefighter around would come in handy.”

  “Is that the only reason you keep me around?” He lifted an eyebrow. Ally watched as the two of them stared at each other, their eyes filled with love. It made her heart ache.

  “That and the fact you’re great at carrying bags,” Ember told him, glancing down at Ally’s suitcases. There were only three of them. It didn’t seem a lot to show for the past few weeks, but then Ally was carrying most of the baggage inside of herself.

  She wasn’t quite ready to unpack those dark thoughts yet, however heavy they felt.

  The elevator pinged when they reached the fifth floor. After a pause that made her hold her breath, the doors slowly slid open, revealing the hallway that led to her apartment. It was darker than she remembered – the interior lit by dim spotlights. Such a contrast to the light-filled beach house she’d just left.

  There was a musty smell inside her apartment that would disappear with the opening of a few windows. Unopened lett
ers were scattered across the wooden floor – no doubt pushed under the door by some of her neighbors; their mail was always getting mixed up. But apart from that everything looked the same way it had a few weeks ago. Before she’d been butt-dialed by Riley and ran out of the door. Maybe if she sat down in her living room and closed her eyes for a moment, she could pretend that it had never happened.

  That she hadn’t gone running in the rain to stop Riley from jumping.

  That Nate hadn’t brought her to his home and taken care of her.

  That Ally hadn’t fallen for him so badly every part of her ached. Especially the bones that were knitting themselves back together beneath her cast.

  It was probably a good thing she couldn’t run at the moment, even though every muscle in her ached to move. Because if she put her running shoes on and made her way down to the beach she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to bring herself to stop.

  Lucas walked into the living room. “I put your bags on your bed. You need some help unpacking?”

  She gave him the biggest smile she could muster. “No, thank you. I’ll empty them later. It’ll give me something to do.”

  “You don’t look well. Should we call your doctor?” Ember asked. “Maybe you shouldn’t have moved out so soon. I could call Nate and tell him you’re going back there?”

  Ally shook her head. “No, I probably just need to lie down.”

  Lucas walked into the kitchen and poured her a glass of water, bringing it back and putting it in Ally’s hand. “When did you last take some painkillers?”

  “Um, I’m not sure. Yesterday I think.” Or was it the day before? Anyway, the hurt she was feeling right now couldn’t be touched by a pill. And yet when Lucas grabbed her purse and brought it back to her, she dug through it until she found the bottle of pills the doctor had described her. Two pills, four times a day, as needed.

  She took the bottle from him with a wan smile. “I’ll take some later if I need to. It doesn’t hurt so much any more.” She glanced down at the printed instructions. There was no mention of whether they could mend a broken heart.

  “When is Nate coming back?”

  “Today some time I guess.” The thought made Ally’s chest tighten, enough to push all the breath from her.

  “Is he going to call you when he’s home?” Ember asked. “Otherwise maybe you should come and stay with us. I don’t want to leave you on your own.”

  “He’s not going to call.” Her voice broke on the last word.

  “What?” Ember looked over at Lucas, and he shrugged. She brought her gaze back to Ally. “Why not?”

  “Because it’s over between us.”

  Ember’s brows dipped as she took Ally’s words in. “But why?” she asked. “You’re just moving out of his house, not finishing your relationship with him.”

  She sat silently as Ally filled her in. Lucas was still hovering in the space between her tiny kitchen and living room, looking awkward as Ally spilled her guts. Ember, on the other hand, reached for her hand, folding it between her own.

  “He made it clear that things were over between us,” Ally finished, biting her lip in an attempt not to cry. “He was so angry and short with me. I can’t see any way forward for us.”

  Ember squeezed Ally’s hand. “Are you sure he meant that he wanted to end it? Maybe he was just trying to cool things between you. A lot has happened in the past few days. He must have been going crazy when Riley disappeared.”

  “I know.” Ally felt her tears sting against her cheek. “And I tried to be there for him, I really did. But the way he talked to me on the phone...” She lifted her free hand to wipe her tears. “I should have known it was never going to work. When does it ever work out for me? Everybody leaves eventually. My mom, my dad, Nate…”

  “I’m still here,” Ember reminded her.

  Ally squeezed her hand back. “I know. And thank God you are.”

  “And so are Lucas and Brooke, and all the people in town who stop me constantly to ask how you’re doing.”

  “Frank Megassey gave me the third degree when I went to buy some paint the other day,” Lucas said.

  “And maybe Nate didn’t mean what he said. You know what phone calls are like. It’s so easy to misunderstand somebody. Just give things time and see what happens.” Ember looked over at Lucas. “Sometimes they’re worth it.”

  “Sure,” Ally agreed, though she held out no hope. He was doing what any good dad would do – putting his daughter first.

  And if the way he did it was cruel and hurtful? Well, she could handle that. “I’m beat,” she told them. “I might take a nap before I start to unpack.”

  Ember nodded. “Rest will probably do you some good. You want me to stay?”

  “No. I should be on my own for a while. Get used to being back in this place.” Somehow she found the right muscles to form a smile. “You guys go and enjoy the rest of your day off. You don’t get enough of them. I’ll be fine once I get some sleep. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  “But I do. Worry, I mean.”

  “Well you don’t need to. I’ve been through worse than this and survived. I can take a little heartbreak.”

  Ember hugged her tightly. “I know,” she whispered. “But I wish you didn’t have to.”

  Yeah, Ally wished that, too. If hopeless wishes were dollars she’d be a millionaire by now. It was time to stop wishing for things that were never going to happen, and concentrate on getting herself better.

  She had a broken ankle to mend, as well as a broken heart. One of them seemed easy – some rest, some time, and a plaster cast to keep things all together.

  The other one? Not so simple. And in the meantime she’d learn to live with the pain.

  * * *

  Ally’s eyes flew open, her heart banging against her chest as she looked around the unfamiliar room, trying to work out what was happening. She’d been having a dream, one where she couldn’t stop running even though her body ached and her lungs were screaming with pain. Every time she thought about slowing down her legs kept moving on.

  She blinked, her eyes slowly becoming accustomed to the dark of the room. Pursing her lips, she blew out a lungful of air, but it did nothing to slow the racing of her heart. The memory of the dream lingered. It mixed in with the ache that had been in her chest ever since that phone call with Nate. Both of them reminded her that she was alone. Just Ally. She should have learned from experience she couldn’t rely on anybody else.

  Nate. The thought of him was physically painful. She took another breath, holding it for a few seconds before releasing it. Her heart rate was slowing, but her body was still on high alert. She tried to turn in her bed, wincing as the cast knocked her good foot. In the end she had to lift her thigh with her hands to move it, but still she wasn’t comfortable.

  Maybe this was her life now. Discomfort everywhere.

  The kitchen clock was ticking, a constant click that only made her feel more alone. It couldn’t be any earlier than five in the morning. There was nobody she could talk to, nobody to call. Right now it was only her.

  And she hated it.

  Grabbing her phone she scrolled through the notifications. A few friends had posted on Insta since she’d fallen asleep last night, but just looking at the photographs made her feel even worse. She looked at her last message with Ember and Brooke and for a moment she considered calling them just to hear a friendly voice.

  No. That wasn’t fair to them. They both had their own lives, and they both needed to get up early in the morning. As much as they loved her, neither of them needed to hear her tales of woe right now.

  Her eyes scanned down the list of chats. She could see Riley’s message from when she’d been in LA. Ally squeezed her eyes shut at the memory of that night.

  And then she saw his name. She didn’t need to click on the chat to see what was said. She could remember every conversation they’d had by heart. Even the written ones. Anyway, the last thing he’d sent her was the me
ssage saying he’d arrived in Boston. The kind of message that happened every day between couples – they probably never thought twice about it.

  But for a moment in time she’d felt like one of them. Taken care of, maybe even loved.

  And now it was gone.

  It hurt. So much. Even breathing in made her wince with the pain. She’d heard of heartache but never thought it was a real, physical thing. But unless she was dying, that’s exactly what she was feeling.

  Shaking her head, she pressed the trashcan icon and deleted those messages. Then she blocked him, the way Ember had shown her. There was no way her heart could stand any contact from him right now.

  Her eyes fell to one final contact, lingering there as she tried to block out the pain. Then, without letting herself think about it too hard, she pressed her finger down on it to make a call.

  It went straight to voicemail, like she knew it would. And maybe it was better that way for now. There was so much emotion involved. She needed to talk without feeling afraid of being hurt again.

  As soon as the message ended she took a deep breath, letting the oxygen surge through her. It was time to talk. Beyond time. And if he’d broken her trust before it didn’t negate the love she knew he felt for her.

  “Daddy? It’s Ally. Can you call me back when you get this message?”

  28

  Her dad had called her back while she was asleep, leaving a message that he’d call again that afternoon. It was strange, but she felt so much calmer now. And unwilling to hide away from the world forever.

  She was stronger than that. Amazing what sleep could do for the soul.

  The elevator was still working – thank God – and it came up to floor five as soon as she called it. Within moments she was in the lobby, then walking outside to what was another beautiful California day. She stopped and closed her eyes, letting the sun’s rays warm her face.