by Rose, Ashley
He sighed and she saw his hands flex on the steering wheel. “I don’t really want to talk, Carmondy. You’ll see when we get there.”
“Okay...well, if you change your mind, you know you can always talk to me.”
Beck nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
* * *
Carmondy felt extremely awkward sitting in her Jeep as Beck drove in complete silence. What would she do in this situation if Beck were a normal guy? She’d probably scoot across the seat, wrap her arms around his waist and lean on his shoulder. She’d tell him everything was going to be okay, and she was there for him.
But Beck wasn’t a normal guy, and she didn’t know if everything was going to be okay because she didn’t know what was going on. She knew it had something to do with his sister but she didn’t even know what was wrong with his sister to begin with.
So what would the opposite be? Leaving him alone? That wasn’t really an option since they were in a car, so maybe she should just give him as much space as possible.
“I’m a little tired,” she lied. “I’m gonna take a nap in the backseat, okay?”
He nodded.
“Please don’t leave me in the car when you get there?”
“I’m not going to leave you in the car to turn into an ice cube.” He drove with alternating hands for a moment while he shrugged out of his jacket. He handed it to her before turning his eyes back to the road.
“Thanks.” She climbed over to curl up on the backseat. She wrapped the jacket around her and used her backpack as a pillow.
She hadn’t meant to fall asleep but the next thing she knew, Beck was saying her name. Peeking her head over the seat, she saw that he was pulling into a small parking lot in front of a huge, old-looking house.
Beck stopped the car and hopped out before reaching in, bumping the front seat forward and pulling her out. She let out a startled squeak before Beck set her on the ground.
He started toward the building at the brisk pace. She had to jog to keep up.
“Are you going to tell me where we are?”
“You’ll figure it out once we’re inside,” he said. “And I don’t know how long this is going to take.”
“It’s not a problem, I’ll just hang out in the...does it have a waiting room?”
“Yes.”
“Cool, I’ll just hang out there, no rush.”
“We could be here past midnight.”
“I said it’s not a problem.”
Beck pushed open the double doors, and Car knew right away that it was some sort of hospital, though not a traditional one. It didn’t have bustling nurses or the beeps and noises of a hospital, but it was all very crisp, sterile, and quiet.
“You can wait here,” Beck said, pointing to a waiting area with big comfortable chairs and couches along with magazines and a water cooler.
“Okay...where are you going?”
Beck didn’t answer her, just went to the front desk and was greeted by the lady sitting behind the computer.
“Mr. Nicholson, they have been waiting for you.”
“I know. Can I go up?”
“Go ahead, room 318. You know the way. I’ll call up there and let them know you’re coming.”
“Thanks.” Beck glanced back at Carmondy one time before jogging off to a non-descript door to the left.
Carmondy knew whatever this was, it was a private matter and she shouldn’t even be thinking about what was going on, but she couldn’t help it. She pulled a couple brochures off a nearby table and glanced at them, skimming through and quickly picking out key phrases.
Sue-Lombard Care Facility...family oriented, long term neurological and psychological treatment center...custom rehabilitation...in-house neurologists and psychologists...providing hope to families...a home away from home for those who can’t be at home...24 hour care...
Carmondy frowned and looked around. A psych hospital? It was very high-end and looked surprisingly homey for a hospital.
She itched to go up to room 318, just to see, even though she knew it was wrong.
Within a few moments, her curiosity won out over her conscience and she stood up, walking confidently to the door Beck had entered. The worst that could happen was someone would see her and ask where she was going. She could just say that she was looking for the bathroom. No big deal.
Once through the door, she breathed a sigh of relief to see it was just the stairwell.
She climbed up to the third story and started slowly down the corridor. It was hard to walk slowly enough to look at each room number while also looking casual. There were others milling around in the hallway so she could still use the bathroom excuse.
Up ahead, she saw a couple hospital employees dressed in scrubs. They hurried into a room and then snapped the door shut behind them. When she listened, she heard voices coming from the room, Beck’s voice among them. She found the room number above the door and confirmed it was 318.
What was she going to do now?
The door swung open and she jumped out of the way and pretended to be walking again but it was only another nurse. Carmondy leaned into an empty doorway labeled 318B. The room was small and dim but she could see it wasn’t a patient’s room, so she stepped in.
She looked around and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw the window gave her a view into the room beside her, the room Beck was in.
She froze, but no one seemed to notice her. It turned out not to be a window at all, but a two-way mirror. A tall stool and desk, along with a laptop computer, were along one wall but other than that, the room was sparsely furnished, and about the size of a large closet.
Carmondy knew she shouldn’t stay. It was an invasion of privacy and she was almost sure it was illegal, but when she actually took a seat on the stool and looked into the other room she couldn’t tear her eyes away.
Several hospital employees gathered around the bed so she couldn’t see much other than the top of Beck’s head. The room was painted beige and had non-descript brown carpet. A small desk and chair stood to one side but nothing was on the desk. On the other wall, there was a dresser and a partway-open door, revealing a bathroom.
A few of the hospital employees moved around, providing her a view of the bed. Beck was sitting on the foot of the bed, leaning toward the headboard where a small blonde girl was curled up, knees to her chest, dressed in a small version of the plain hospital scrubs the nurses wore. Carmondy leaned forward so she could hear the conversation.
Beck’s voice was soft and gentle. “Lily...you need—”
“No!” the girl screeched, her hands tangled in her messy, unevenly cut hair. Carmondy recalled his sister was thirteen but this girl wasn’t the size of a thirteen-year-old, maybe ten. She peeked out from behind her tangled hair and the terror, fear, and confusion in the girl’s eyes made Carmondy’s heart clench.
“Lily, please, you need to take the medication,” Beck said in the soft voice again.
The girl cringed. “It’s not time, it’s not on the schedule.” She pulled on her hair and pushed closer to the headboard.
“I know. It’s a different medication. They are trying something new. They need to change the schedule—”
“The schedule can’t be changed,” she hissed.
“Please, Lily, just take it.” He held out a small cup.
Lily took one look at it and cringed again, suddenly shoving all the hair back from her face. Carmondy could see the family resemblance right away. They had the same features, though Lily’s were smaller and softer.
“It’s not the right time. It’s not the right shape. It’s not the right color!” Lily flung out a hand and knocked the cup and pill to the floor.
A doctor took a step forward, a syringe in hand. “Mr. Nicholson, if we don’t get the medication in her, we are going to have some serious problems.”
Beck nodded. “I know...I know, just give me a minute.”
“We may not have a minute. Her seizures—”
“I know
!”
“Please don’t yell at me,” the girl begged, curling into a ball again, going from angry to scared in a split second.
Beck scooted closer. “I wasn’t yelling at you sweetheart, I was—”
The girl started to shake violently. Within seconds, the shaking turned into convulsions and Beck threw himself at her, wrapping his arms around her tightly.
The girl made an involuntary noise of pain while Beck and a male nurse wrapped their arms around her, though Carmondy was pretty sure the pain was caused by the seizure, not the guys. They pinned her arms and legs together, curling her up tightly while she shook. Beck’s hand closed over her mouth, and Carmondy knew it was to keep her teeth from cracking together and breaking.
Carmondy put a hand to her mouth as the girl continued to convulse violently despite the tight arms of the two boys. The doctors and nurses in the room didn’t seem surprised by the seizure, as if it was a normal occurrence.
A few minutes later, the girl finally stopped convulsing and the male nurse released her, leaving her in Beck’s arms.
The girl didn’t seem wild and crazed like she did before. She leaned against Beck’s chest and shook slightly, looking tired.
Beck comforted her, smoothing her hair back and whispering comforting words.
The girl leaned back, and peered up into Beck’s face. “You’re not supposed to be here. You only come on Sundays. You’re off schedule.”
“I know.”
She reached up and touched his face. “Don’t you like me? Why don’t you visit more? Don’t you want to be my friend?”
“Of course I do. I like you, I just—”
The girl suddenly jerked away from Beck. “They’re crushing me!”
“What are you—” He tried to grab her hands as they tangled in her hair again.
“There are so many! So many...they’re crushing me. All of them...I can’t...” The girl started to sound faint.
“What is it, Lily? What’s wrong? I don’t understand.”
“That’s all anyone ever wants. Stick a needle in me. Shove a pill down my throat,” she muttered angrily, pushing her free hand into her tangled hair. “No one likes me. I’m wrong. Messed up.”
Beck reached out toward her. “Lily, please—”
“No! I hate you! You visit once a week! Today is not the right day! You ruined it. The schedule. You ruined everything,” she hissed.
Beck pulled his arm back. Carmondy could tell that he was hurt but was fighting to keep his emotions under control.
The doctor stepped forward. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying. You know she can’t control her emotions. She doesn’t understand what she feels.”
“I know,” Beck said, but he still looked pained. “I know. I just...what happened exactly?”
“We wanted to try a new med. It needs to be given four times a day not three, and it looked different, that’s all.”
Beck pushed his hands through his hair, the motion looking very similar to his sister’s. “But her schedule, you know that she has to stay on schedule.”
“We had to take the risk, Mr. Nicholson. The side effects of the other medication...”
Beck nodded. “Ok...I get it. What now? What’s the next step?” he asked, glancing at the girl, who was now starting to look drowsy.
“Let’s go to my office to talk.” The doctor moved toward the door and Beck followed with one last look back at his sister.
Carmondy waited for few minutes before she left the viewing room. She peeked out into the hallway before hurrying to the stairwell and back down to the waiting room, where she quickly sat down.
She couldn’t believe what she had just seen, nor that she had actually sat there and watched the whole thing. It was wrong of her, but yet...she couldn’t have left if she’d wanted to. Her curiosity had won over and she found herself running the scene over and over in her mind.
Half an hour passed. She was starting to get tired so she curled her legs up under her in the chair and closed her eyes. Instead of feeling guilty, she started to imagine how Beck must feel. How did he handle this? One minute the girl was clinging to him, the next she was saying how he hurt her and she hated him. She suddenly wasn’t surprised at Beck’s demeanor. It wasn’t that he didn’t have emotions. He just went through such an emotional roller coaster with his sister that it was understandable how it was hard for him to open up to anyone.
She must have fallen asleep in the chair because the next thing she remembered was being settled into the passenger seat of her Jeep. Her eyes opened to find Beck leaning over and buckling her seat belt before pulling his jacket over her.
She could see the strain in his face. He was definitely holding back some emotions, and the pain on his face made her want to cry.
“Beck.”
“Just go back to sleep,” he said curtly before shutting the door on her and climbing in the other side.
Carmondy turned in her seat to look at him while he silently pulled out of the parking lot. She wanted to say something but she didn’t know what to say. She stayed silent for about fifteen minutes until she couldn’t help herself anymore. Maybe if she hadn’t watched she’d have something to say, but since she knew exactly what had happened...
“Beck...is everything okay?”
He didn’t answer, which wasn’t a big surprise. His hands were so tight on the steering wheel that his knuckles were white, and Car was afraid he shouldn’t be driving.
“Beck, would you mind if I drive instead?”
Beck hesitated only a moment before he hit the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. He sat in the seat for a moment, taking a couple deep breaths before he got out of the car.
Carmondy slid across to sit in the driver’s seat.
She waited until Beck was settled to put the car into gear and take off.
“Did you want to talk or anything?” she offered anxiously. “Because if you—”
“Carmondy. Can you please not talk?” he said tightly.
She gulped and kept her eyes on the road. “I’m sorry.”
“Just...I’m tired, okay? It’s late and we still have a ways to drive. So just...be quiet.”
She nodded and tried to be understanding. He was emotionally drained, and she knew he just needed a little space.
A while later, Carmondy finally pulled into town. She glanced at Beck. He hadn’t said anything since he had told her to be quiet but she could tell he was stressed.
“Beck?” she said quietly.
He turned to face her without saying anything.
“Would you mind...staying at my place tonight?”
Beck turned back to the windshield. “I am not in the mood.”
She bit back an annoyed remark. “What I meant is... I don’t know if...if I can sleep all right...without anyone.” It was mostly a lie. She just thought he shouldn’t be alone tonight.
“We’ve been through this, and you know I don’t do that stuff.”
“I know, I’m just asking if you could stay. My mom brought some extra stuff from my house. I could make up to the spare bed...unless you wanted my bed and I could take the—”
“No.”
“No to my bed? Or no to sleeping over?”
Beck didn’t answer but didn’t say anything as she drove past his street and continued on toward her apartment.
When she pulled into the parking lot and turned her car off, he still didn’t say anything.
“I didn’t tell anyone but, last night, even with Anderson, I had a nightmare. I couldn’t breathe. It seemed like forever but I didn’t pass out or anything, it was just like...I couldn’t breathe for a really long time and I just laid there...gasping and crying. I was all alone and it was so scary...I can’t—”
“I get it,” Beck snapped. “I’ll stay. Let’s go.” He hopped out of the car and waited for her.
She sighed with relief and had the urge to grab his hand as they walked side by side up the stairs to her apartment but she didn�
��t, of course.
Once in her apartment, she looked at Beck. His eyes were devoid of emotion but the lines on his face gave away the fact that he was very tired.
Carmondy crossed to the spare bedroom. “I’ll just make up the sheets really fast. If you’re hungry there’s food—”
He waved his hand at her and she disappeared into the bedroom. When she came back, he was still standing in the same spot, rubbing his hair.
“The room is ready.”
He nodded. “A shower.”
“Yeah, of course, umm... the shower in the spare bedroom doesn’t have anything in it yet but mine has shampoo and towels and everything.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to keep you up.”
“You won’t, it’s fine. I promise. Besides, you can shower while I brush my teeth and wash my face and stuff, not a problem.”
She showed him to her bathroom. “The spare towels are there and...yeah. Have at it, I’m just gonna...” She gestured toward the sink.
He nodded and stepped toward the shower, dropping his clothes as he went.
She brushed her teeth as he showered, but could see his body through the misted glass. He wasn’t moving, just standing under the spray, pushing his hands through his hair every now and then.
Carmondy finished quickly and left him alone in the bathroom. After changing into pajamas, she turned off her lights and got into bed. Several minutes later Beck exited the bathroom quietly, towel wrapped around his hips.
She noticed he glanced back at her bed once before shutting the door.
* * *
Carmondy shot up in bed, both hands to her throat. She was gasping but as soon as she woke, she found that she wasn’t short on air. She was fine. She sighed and touched her face, finding a stream of tears, just like last time.
After washing her face with cold water, she returned to her bed but didn’t lay down. She wasn’t tired anymore. Nightmares didn’t usually bother her that much once she was awake but since this one was recurring and realistic, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep. Not alone, anyway.
Carmondy grabbed an oversized sweatshirt and pulled it on. The door to the spare bedroom was open and upon entering, she could see Beck in the dim light. The covers were pushed down to his waist, his torso bare.