A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  "Absolutely not. You're just Don," Ian replied. He winked at me and returned to chat with a very large guy standing in front of him.

  "See? Even Ian says I'm not fat."

  "You just proved my point, dumb ass. I'm not looking for someone who is unaware of his own condition right now."

  "Then help me, Michelle. Go ahead. Show me the right way and explain to me what I'm doing wrong. Correct my ways, woman!"

  "I'm not looking for doing that either. No offense, but I'm not interested in mentoring a blind person. I've been blind myself for all my life, but not anymore. Today is the first day of—"

  "The rest of your life?" I completed the cliché she was about to say.

  "No. Today is the first day of my new path in life. I lived life so far and have lived it to the fullest. Nonetheless, today, I am embarking on a new path, and I'm not looking to take any excess weight with me."

  "So, who are you looking for?"

  "I'm not looking for anyone, but if I were, it would be someone I can be of use to, not someone who—"

  "Me, me, me!" I waved my hand excitedly and ignored the stares of those around us. "Me," I repeated more quietly with a smile that never failed to melt the hearts of the girls I was trying to conquer.

  "You what?" She frowned at me.

  "I'll be your support guy. I'll be that someone you use for… Support or whatnot."

  "You?" Once again, her laughter pleased my ears. "You can't support anyone else on their way to weight loss, Don. If you ask me, not only does a healthy lifestyle not interest you, if I'm not mistaken, you actually like being fat."

  "Nobody likes being fat." I said aloud what I'd been thinking in my head, maybe for the first time in years, and went on. "Don't get me wrong, Michelle, I like to eat. I love carbohydrates and sweets. I like sugar-rich drinks, I like the sense of euphoria when I give my body what it's been longing for, and I love not having to deal with delayed gratification, but I don't like being fat. Nobody likes to be fat."

  "So why don't you make a change in your life?"

  "I've been waiting for a good enough reason to lose the weight, and... If you'll let me accompany you on your new path, I promise I'll make a change in mine too."

  "Just like that? You’ll just decide to live healthily? Right now? Because of me?"

  "If you'll agree to let me be that for you, I swear I’ll lose my excess weight and live healthily."

  "Well, you should know that I'm not intending on returning to these evening meetings. If you want to accompany me, it will have to be in the morning support group."

  "It's a date, Michelle!" Her eyes opened wide. "Don't forget, okay? Tomorrow, nine o'clock, our first date. I'm so excited!"

  "Wait, what? We what? Our first what?" Her questions made it clear that I had obtained all I needed from that weight loss support group.

  "Our first date, Michelle." I turned around and started walking toward the open door. "Come dressed accordingly!" I called out, clarifying my position without letting her rebut otherwise.

  "In what world are you living?" she called out from behind me but in an amused tone. "What are you even talking about, Don? We hadn’t set any date! I'm not going to dress accordingly, and where the hell are you going?"

  "Dear friends, I was Don, and this is my farewell. You all have a good night now!" I took a bow as I crossed the threshold and left.

  Although I felt that it was the right place for me, I made a commitment to Michelle, and I was going to follow it through. I promised to accompany her in the morning sessions, and I needed to make good on that promise.

  Michelle's' presence was so pleasing to me, much more than Ian's, and if he was the price I had to pay in order to see her again, I was willing to pay it.

  I knew it was only a matter of time before I could sweeten her heart while looking into her big round eyes after our lips departed from our lusty first kiss.

  It was only a matter of time and a few pounds I had to shed. That's it. Time and pounds.

  "I got this!" I shouted out loud and smiled at the echo of my words in the desolated hallway.

  Chapter 7

  Michelle

  I watched him strut out of the room and didn't understand why I got so quiet afterward.

  It was unclear why I left him with the feeling that a romantic relationship was something I would even consider.

  'I can't go out with a fat guy?' Where the hell did that stupid argument come from? It didn't matter if he was skinny or fat. Anyone who approached me like he did would have been instantly shut down, but for some reason, he wasn’t.

  For so many years, a romantic relationship hadn’t been on the agenda for me. I'd never had a boyfriend, and I never had to decide if I wanted one or not, due to the lack of approaches and the lack of interest in me expressed by the stupid members of the opposite sex.

  I guess Don managed to confuse me when he called me “Beautiful Michelle.” Maybe that's why I didn’t explain to him that our morning support group get together wouldn’t be a date of any kind.

  Yeah. That might be the reason. I just got confused.

  He was the first to call me beautiful in years and... If I delve into the feeling that surrounded me when those words left his fleshy lips, I guess I kinda liked hearing someone call me that. Certainly, someone who wasn't one of my parents.

  Yes. It must have been too pleasant and too confusing for me to react like I normally would have, since the possibility of romance was not an option.

  It wasn't like I hoped to remain a virgin until the day I died. Especially given the fact that technically, I was no longer a virgin. I didn’t have extensive experience in the field, but I wasn’t a virgin. All I had was one miserable evening during my studies, and besides that, I was never again intimate with another man.

  On that unfortunate evening, I agreed to get carried away with someone, even though I knew he wasn’t really interested in me. The rumors on campus were that he was challenged to sleep with a fat girl. Despite all the cheesy pickup lines he threw at me while trying to capture my heart, and although his pathetic effort to overcome the challenge he was facing was obvious to me, I still chose to sleep with him. I chose to let him experiment with me, or maybe I would be more accurate saying I actually allowed myself to experiment with him.

  He did put in the time. I’ll give him that. He actually spent a few days aggressively courting me.

  I knew it was a fake effort, and yet I gave myself to him. He used to wait for me outside of class, wrote me songs and bought me presents. I didn’t think his expression of interest was legit. Not even for one second. I knew exactly what was going on and what he was trying to do, but I didn’t want it dulling the experience for me. As the days went by, I relished the attention I was getting, until one day, I decided to fulfill his dream of standing up to his challenge.

  That fateful evening started at a restaurant where we had dinner together, which he paid for. From there, we went to the bar next door, where he ordered me drinks, and paid for them. I got very drunk. From there, we drove straight to his house.

  I distinctly remember every place and spot his cold hands landed on my body. Nausea hits me when images from that evening come up in my head. I remember trying to close my eyes and imagine that I was there with someone else, but it didn't help. It still felt wrong. Nothing could change the fact that I was just a victory in the challenge for him and no more.

  He was trying to understand what it felt like to enter a fat woman's body, and I was trying to understand what it felt like to be touched with passion and lust. But it's hard for me to say that that's what I felt that evening.

  I don't know how he felt after our unfortunate intimate encounter since I didn't exchange a single word with him from that night on, but I came out with the realization that a romantic relationship is not something I would wish for myself.

  From that lame evening on, I vowed to build myself for myself and not for anyone else, and so I did. At least for a good few years, until Don arri
ved and referred to me as “Beautiful Michelle.”

  I got so used to not waiting for someone to approach me in that way. For years I hadn’t dared to develop expectations for the attitude of men toward me and, after all my hard work of sealing my heart, here came an idiot like Don and in a solitary banal description for me, he dissolved all the defensive walls I'd set up. One sentence from him, and a not so witty one if I may add, and I found myself with a date I didn’t ask for, a demand to dress accordingly I wasn’t going to regard, and the looks of those who came to the evening weight loss support meeting, which turned to me almost seconds after he said his goodbyes.

  "You… Please don't look at me like that." I hated getting all that attention. "I have nothing to do with him. Really. I don’t."

  "That's a pity." Ian smiled at me. "He actually looked like a really decent guy." With a wink, Ian invited everyone back to continue the meeting.

  I wondered if there was any point in me rejoining that meeting, clearly knowing that this wouldn’t be the group I would be supported by.

  The evening sessions weren’t my choice. If I wanted to start doing the right thing for me, the morning people were a better option, and I knew it. On the other hand, Ian was so much more preferable over the repulsive morning group guide Janice, so maybe the evening sessions would be better … Giving it another thought, I remembered that Don was supposed to arrive at the morning session so... Damn it. How did he find his way into my considerations? Why was I thinking about him instead of thinking about my new way of life? What the hell was wrong with me?!

  "I'm really sorry," I hesitantly addressed everyone. "No offense, but I'll continue to attend the morning sessions. So... With your permission…" I put the cup I was holding on the table and started toward the exit. "Don't mind me. Just keep up the good work. You're so strong, it's inspiring.” I meant every disgruntled word I said as I walked away.

  "We'll be here if you change your mind, Michelle. We'll be here waiting for you!" Ian's voice made me stop in the hall and think for a few moments about what I really wanted to do.

  I wanted to stay in Ian's' support group, but I wanted to sit across from the morning group attendees. I wanted to see Don again, but I didn't want him knowing I wanted to see him. I wanted to go back and stay until the end of that meeting, but I was too ashamed to show my face there after my disgraceful exit, so I continued on my way to my parking spot while telling myself how correct every step I took was.

  The list excusing my running away from what I really wanted to do had so many ticks on it. Some were okay, but most were incredibly ridiculous. I told myself that the evening people wouldn’t enable me to enjoy the small successes I was planning to achieve. They all seemed so mentally strong, self-confident, and whole while I... I haven't decided yet whether I'm okay or not with the way I look.

  "Hi, Michelle. How was the evening meeting?" Noel's rapid answer to my call implied that she had been waiting impatiently for a sign of life from me.

  "It was... interesting."

  "That's a new way for you to describe a meeting. Usually, you say it was funny, or that there were sad and miserable people and that the group guide is either blind or doesn't own a mirror at home." She made me laugh out loud. "What was so interesting about it, if I may ask?"

  "Nothing particular. It was just... interesting. There was an interesting guy there, okay?" A big smile crept over my face and lit my heart in a different and refreshing way.

  "A guy? That actually does sound very interesting! Please elaborate, Michelle. Tell me all about him."

  "There's nothing to say, only that there was a guy, and that he was interesting. We talked a bit, that's it."

  "Oh, you gotta say more than that, I'm begging you."

  "I swear that's it, Noel. There was a guy, and he was..."

  "Interesting," She supplied, quickly completing my sentence. "You already said that. If you had to describe him to me in one word, what would it be?"

  "He’s…"

  "And don't say 'Interesting'!"

  "An idiot," I smirked.

  "News flash, sweetheart. They're all idiots. Do you think I married a genius? The question is whether he's your idiot or not?"

  "If he thinks he's my idiot, then he probably isn't."

  "I'm sorry, what?"

  "I meant to say that if anyone thinks I, in my current version of me, am right for him, he probably isn’t right for me."

  "I apologize, but I'll have to ask again. What?"

  "Ugh! Well..." I took a deep breath in frustration and struggled to continue "A lot of things can be ignored, Noel, but the fact that I'm a thirty-four-year-old woman who stands five and a half feet tall, carrying a little over two hundred and sixty-four pounds, is impossible to ignore."

  "Didn’t you say he was also carrying a few extra pounds? Maybe that's not an issue for him when looking for love?"

  "I did say that, and it’s a possibility, but I think it makes more sense for him to have an obsession with fat women. I'm really not looking to be a fantasy for some perverted guy who’s just looking for—"

  "You know what, Michelle? I'm not sorry anymore," she interrupted me.

  "What do you mean? What were you sorry about earlier, and what are you not sorry about now?"

  "If that's how you see yourself, then I'm not sorry that I didn’t get it. On the contrary. I'm proud that stupid explanation of yours never occurred to me. I'm very glad I didn’t understand that someone should be screwed-up in order for him to be interested in you."

  "You don't understand, Noel."

  "I'm not sure that's true. I think you're the one who doesn’t understand, Michelle. I think you're smart and you know that every time you mention the fact that you're fat and I'm not, I'll get embarrassed and shut up, but no more, remember? You promised to start living a healthy life, and believing that you deserve to have true love is healthy."

  "True love?" I hesitated.

  "You need true love and an idiot to call your own. That's healthy."

  "Why are you all for him, ha? You don't even know this idiot."

  "I'm not for him, I'm for you. For all I care, you can take him or take a different idiot. That's your decision entirely."

  "I'm glad to hear I have some say in the matter."

  "My God, you can be so thick-headed sometimes. Are you not listening to me? Eh? You're the only one with a say, Michelle, so say something! You know there are no magic drugs, you know that losing your weight may take a very long time and you know that the path to the goal you set for yourself will not be easy. If you'll decide to make romance an option only after you reach your targets, there is a reasonable chance that you will be left alone forever. Or worst, get discouraged on the way and never get there."

  I knew exactly how to find my way out of that conversation, yet I chose not to take it. All I had to do was say I understood the point she was trying to make, agree with her words, and promise to think about them. I could also roll my eyes quietly as Noel said things I didn't dare to dream about, but I didn’t.

  She wanted me to get healthy, and let my voice be heard. She was right. Truth-telling had to be an active part of my new path, and the truth was that I didn’t believe she could handle my truth. The truth which I kept in my stomach. The one that had been growing and growing ever since I started keeping it there.

  "Noel, just as my weight loss isn’t going to be a short and hassle-free process, neither will my acceptance with myself. That too might take a while."

  "I don't expect you to get up tomorrow and start your day with—"

  "I don't need to hear what you expect of me." I widened my eyes to my reflection in the mirror of my car, shocked that for the first time in my life, I interrupted Noel's words. I took a deep breath, bringing my sense of control back to me.

  "It's not like I'm trying to tell you what to do, but I think you have to change the way you're—"

  "I'll decide what I have or don’t have to change in my life." The second time I interrupte
d her was easier, and I continued with that natural and powerful feeling. "I don’t need to make changes according to what you think is right."

  "Why are you talking to me like this?"

  "Because I need you to understand that if I change something in my lifestyle, it will be according to what I want or think. It'll be what's right for me. I will no longer change myself to make you or the people around me feel good about themselves."

  "Michelle! Why are you talking to me like this?" The insult was evident in her voice, and I immediately felt bad for hurting her.

  "You know what? I think I'm not even talking to you, Noel. I feel like I'm talking to everyone all at once."

  "Everyone?"

  "Yes. Everyone. Anyone who tells me what I should do while ignoring what I want to do. I'm talking to anyone who thinks they know how I feel and anyone who wonders why I'm not making a radical change in my life. It's just that right now, the one on the other side of this conversation is you."

  "Do you consider me as one of those people?"

  "Sometimes, yes. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure you want nothing but good for me."

  "I do." Her answers became brief and emphasized the hurt she was suffering from my words.

  "I love you, Noel, but I have to start deciding what I need or want to do, based on my considerations and not yours."

  "And what do you expect me to do if I think your considerations are wrong or in the more likely event, utterly dumb?"

  "I expect you to roll your eyes quietly and rethink your choice of friends."

  "I’ll start right now. I'm wondering what it says about me if I've made friends with such a stupid woman?"

  "It says that you see through the shell of people. It says that you're real, decent, and caring. True, it also means that you’re a little obscure, but I love you just the way you are, and I'm sure you'll understand that I have to walk this new path of mine on my own."

  "Only if you promise you'll see it through, Michelle. No, no!" she rushed to correct herself, just as I was about to do it. "I want you to promise that to yourself, my love. Don't promise me, promise yourself that you are going to do the right thing for you, okay?"