A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  "It's not that we—"

  "Gia," I waved my hand at her, indicating she really had better shut up. "If I'm not mistaken, Michelle asked if she could share something with the group."

  "She did, but—"

  "Now I'm asking you, has that ever happened before?"

  "No. That's exactly it. She never shares anything with us because she—"

  "And what happened a few moments ago, Gia? Remind me what happened. She apologized for her hurtful behavior, did she not?"

  "She did." Her answers became shorter and shorter as if she knew I wasn’t finished.

  "Has that ever happened before?"

  "No. That was really untypical of her. She always feels so free to say—"

  "Well, I don't know about you, but from where I'm sitting, I see a woman who has decided to start a new path in her life. Now the ball is in your court, people." I paused for a second, looked around, and went on. "My question to you is, are you able to cheer her on and encourage her to keep going or will you keep clinging to the ropes of the past and pull her back time and again, just because once, a long time ago, when she was dealing with some difficulties, she hurt you?"

  Everyone sitting there looked down at the floor. A few of the women present huffed heavily, some shed a silent tear of shame, but not Gia. She broke down and cried very loudly for quite a few minutes. Between her attempts to exhale and inhale, she murmured a few words trying to explain how sorry she was and how she had no intention of hurting anyone, only a desire to not keep getting hurt.

  I glanced back at Michelle, and a big smile came over my face as that sparkle I came there looking for was once again shining in her pretty eyes.

  Janice didn't even have to announce that a break was needed. That break just seemed to happen on its own. Everyone got up and began to move freely about the room, but I remained frozen in my seat and returned to glare at the same spot on the floor.

  Just as Sarah had done, so did Michelle. She came into my life like a storm of fresh wind, and maybe that was what I saw in her in the first place. Maybe there was actually nothing beyond that.

  Could it be that I got my hopes up by thinking she'd be what I lost? If I did, in fact, become charmed by Michelle just because she reminded me of Sarah, I may have set myself up for sure failure. Was I even looking for a replacement? Was that what I deserved? A replacement for something that is unreplaceable?

  "Can I assume we won't have another date?" A familiar chill passed through my body when I looked up and saw her angel eyes looking at me.

  "Why would you assume that?" I quickly got up to stand in front of her.

  "Just a feeling I got from you."

  "Just a feeling? And you got it from me? I'd be happy if you told me how exactly I conveyed such a message to you when the opposite is correct?"

  "Well, the last time we met, you basically stripped me naked with your eyes. I actually wanted to smack you for that, but today… I'd rather grumble that you're objectifying me than realizing that the floor interests you more than I do."

  "Ahhhh... That has nothing to do with you, Michelle. It's an obstacle I have to deal with in every relationship I've had."

  "I'm almost afraid to ask, but I will anyway, even though I know it's a mistake. What obstacle?"

  "You see? Everything always starts nice and easy until my girlfriends discover the close relationship I have with the floor. They immediately start with their jealous rampage and show some shocking lack of self-confidence." I enjoyed watching her laugh and went on. "I'm begging you, Michelle. Don’t be like them. Please understand that it's not about you. It's just that I've known the floor almost all my life, but I swear our relationship is only platonic. I mean… Most of the time. Except for one evening of excessive alcohol drinking, but I'd rather not talk about that."

  "You're an idiot," she declared and smiled lighting up her face.

  "Why, yes, I am. I am an idiot. It seems you managed to get to know me in depth despite the short time that was available for us on this amazing date. Now it's my turn to get to know you better. Can I invite you to dinner and a short canoodling session in my car?"

  "What? No! Absolutely not. Moreover, on second thought, I think you and the floor are actually made for each other."

  It was unclear where I found the strength to remain steady at the sounds of her dizzying laughter. In a sharp and noble motion, I folded my elbow and held it out to her, and she linked her arm around mine as I accompanied her to the coffee corner.

  "Sugar?" I smiled mischievously, knowing clearly that there was no sugar even if she wanted to use it.

  "Very funny."

  "I'm glad you think so. Thank you. Humor is the only thing I have going for me at the moment, so I'm happy to hear that it's weaving its magic on you."

  "Yes, I agree."

  "With what?"

  "With the fact that humor is the one and only thing that can be accredited to you and with the fact that so far, it's doing its magic. On me, anyway."

  "Ahh… Honesty. Brutal, painful honesty. That's wonderful. Don't believe anyone who claims it's a defense mechanism. Your hurtful honesty, like my dark humor, is just wonderful. Whoever takes offense of them doesn't know what they’re missing."

  "So, what do you have to say about the morning support group?" Michelle had asked, quickly changing the subject.

  "I can't stand it."

  "Yes. They're obnoxious, aren't they?"

  "Horrifying. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

  "I think I need to know how to deal with them before I know how to deal with myself."

  "In what way?"

  "You wouldn’t understand."

  "You know what? I just might. That sounds like the beginning of an explanation that I would love to hear extensively say... Over dinner? Tonight? Eight-thirty?" It didn’t even occur to me that I was actually undertaking a second departure from the house that day, thus another return to it.

  "Wow, you really got your shit together, huh?"

  "You have no idea how wrong you are, but like I said, I'm willing to explain everything to you at dinner. Tonight? Eight-thirty?"

  "I don't know, Don. I... I don't know how to say this without hurting your feelings."

  "What? That you're not attracted to me? Because that's okay. I'm more of an acquired taste."

  "No. It's not that, it's..."

  "What, Michelle? That you're not looking for a fat boyfriend right now?"

  "It would be more accurate to say that I can't have a boyfriend. Any boyfriend. Fat or skinny. No boyfriend at all right now."

  "Wow, that sounds fascinating. Can you tell me more about it, say... Tonight? In a restaurant? At Eight-thirty?"

  "Ummm... I'm not sure if..."

  "Oh, lighten up! What do you have to lose? It's just dinner in a restaurant, a free meal followed by a short canoodling session in my car."

  "Absolutely, positively not!" She took a bite of the bait I waved in front of her, and I reeled her in.

  "Well, okay. Just dinner in a restaurant. No canoodling in my car," I offered, hoping that would ease the decision for her. "Just dinner at a restaurant."

  "And you promise to order healthy food and by no means, to embarrass me?"

  "Me? Embarrass you? Never!" I looked around and immediately raised my voice with a huge shout. "I got a second date, people! I got a second date, dinner and a promise to a short canoodling session in my car as a dessert!"

  Chapter 9

  Michelle

  It was a different support group, and those present were quite different from the evening people, but everyone's response to Don shouting out loud was exactly the same.

  Their stunned eyes stared at me for several seconds, and once again, I wanted the Earth to open its mouth and bury me alive inside it.

  He was such an idiot.

  I can't remember what happened later on in that meeting. I'm sure I returned to my seat. I'm almost sure there were various speakers who shared diverse conversation topics and D
on kept trying to make me laugh with his dramatic facial expressions, but it's hard for me to say with certainty what happened after his thunderous scream, because all I did was try and keep a low profile, as I hoped not to find myself facing questions for which I had no answers.

  When Janice announced the end of the meeting, I got up and ran away as fast as I could. I didn't even say goodbye to anyone. I just focused my gaze on the path that stretched ahead of me until I slammed my car door behind me.

  "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I turned to my reflection on the visor mirror, which was a pretty regular way for me to attack myself with such claims. "A second date? How did you let him trick you into a second date? How did you agree to call this a first date in the first place? Since when do you let anyone maneuver you into something without having a say in it? Honestly, what's wrong with you?"

  The reflection in that mirror kept silent. I guess she had nothing to say. She just looked down for a moment and reminded me of the woman I was trying to make stronger. The woman whose voice I had wanted to sound my entire life, but I never did.

  "Look at me, Michelle. You're a strong woman. You're a powerful woman. You don't need a man to tell you you're beautiful so that you can feel good about yourself. Do you hear me?"

  My reflection was still silent. Deep down, I felt that she didn't hear or agree with my words, and I knew she was me.

  I guess I didn't feel strong, definitely not powerful, and I wondered if there was anyone in the world who could make me feel good about myself, if I couldn't do it myself.

  Long seconds passed, and no answer was said loud nor deep inside, so I felt the need to strengthen my point of view until it was fully accepted.

  "That's okay, Michelle. You don't have to feel so confident with yourself this very second. There's plenty of time for that. You have a long way ahead of you, and you can walk it at a pace that will make you feel at ease. What matters is that you'll get there, and if Don is making you feel like you're losing your self-control, he probably shouldn't be in your path to where you're headed."

  I looked into her eyes, and it seemed to me that she was very close to finally sounding her opinion aloud. I was afraid to look away and break the eye contact I'd made and continued to stare into my eyes, waiting to share what was in my heart with myself.

  "He makes me laugh. That's the problem. He's an idiot, but not. He's probably not my idiot. He just really makes me laugh..." I took a deep breath and started driving. "There's something about him that affects everyone. It's not just me. He's kind of a lovable idiot. That's what he is." I smiled and shook my head, filled with contemplation.

  I remembered Noel's words in our conversation that morning, about my commitment to her. I promised to take the doctor's recommendations seriously, and that included days off work. I knew that in addition to that, I had to honor the promises I made to myself, and that meant to purchase food that would not be considered as “junk.” I probably should also throw away the bag of chocolate croissants and other sweet pastries that I never forgot was waiting for me in my fridge.

  The next battlefield I faced that day was the various aisles of the supermarket, its stacked shelves, and their alluring contents.

  Suddenly, all of the support group participants' personal difficulties came to mind. Just as they mentioned in the stories I liked to mock, my breathing became fast and heavy as I passed the aisle containing all kinds of pasta and other adored carbohydrates. For a second there, I could even feel their taste on the tip of my tongue, so I ran for my life.

  I placed a carton of milk in my cart and got a little dizzy while trying to ignore the sweet piles of dairy treats, which I swear smiled at me.

  With the last of my willpower, I pushed my cart to where the last item on my shopping list was stocked, but unfortunately, my legs froze when I realized that just a small turn of my body would put me face to face with the cookie rack, which I never could refuse.

  Battleground. That was the feeling that came over me. I felt I was standing in the midst of a hard and bloody battlefield, and I wasn't sure if I was going to come out with my hand on top. At that moment, it felt that temptation's hand was ten times stronger.

  I'd gone on many diets in the past, but I'd never had a hard time shopping for groceries like I did that day. Once, for about three weeks, I only ate cabbage, but my shopping list for that diet was done at the vegetable shop only. I didn't have to deal with temptations like these while I was on that diet. There was also the time when I went on a fluid only diet, but it was very specific and didn't make me confront the challenging aisle such as this “living healthy” diet demanded of me.

  In a moment's decision, I closed my eyes and rushed to the cashier. Every few seconds, I opened them just a little, to make sure I wasn't going to crash into someone until I took my place in a long and tedious line, surrounded by enemy forces and grave dangers.

  "Come on, come on, come on..." I felt the sweat running down my neck. "Enemies don't come home. No danger allowed in my house. I shouldn’t bring any enemies into my home." I memorized a phrase my mother used to tell me while trying to resist my desire to add a snack bar or two off the stands and into my shopping cart.

  "Are you okay?" An elderly woman, standing in front of me, looked worried.

  "Yes, sure. Yes. I'm fine. Sure." I don’t know why I needed to answer her three times, but I did.

  "Are you not feeling okay?"

  "I feel fine. It's just that this line is taking forever. It's… It's stuck or something. But I'm fine. It's just so slow… This queue. But, really, I'm fine," I finished with the most moronic sentence I'd ever uttered in my life and swallowed hard, picturing the taste of that peanut butter nut bar I had been eyeing.

  "Okay..." Her forehead wrinkled with suspicion. "Do you maybe want to go before me? Will that help you finish your shopping faster?"

  "What? No way!" I wished I hadn’t said that, as it was my exact desire. But I stuck to the over-polite nature that used to characterize me. "Thank you so much, but I'm fine. Really I am."

  "I can see that. I got it. You're fine. Nevertheless, do you want to go first so you can finish shopping quicker? You seem to be in a hurry, and unfortunately for me, I'm not. I have all the time in the world." She smiled in a way that allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief.

  The new path I'd taken on required that I would say my truth and deal with its consequences. It worked with Noel, it almost worked with Don, and I decided it would eventually work on my reflection in the mirror, to which I spoke fairly regularly.

  "To be honest, I'm dying to cut in line, but I think I have to deal with what's going on here."

  "What's going on here?" I seemed to have intrigued her as she started looking around.

  "I took a commitment to start living healthy after my latest visit to the hospital, but... I'm surrounded by enemies."

  "Oh..." She rolled her eyes and let out a more relaxed sigh. "That's what you meant. I thought someone was threatening you. I thought you were running from someone following you."

  "I am. Everything here is threatening me. The chewing gum, the chocolate bars, the candies, the cookies... They all want to follow me home."

  "Excuse me, Sir." The woman suddenly turned her back to me and faced the person standing in front of her. "This lovely girl is in a hurry. Do you think we can let her move ahead of us so that she can get to her business?"

  "We're all busy, lady." He waved his hand at her, but before I could tell her to leave it alone, she continued.

  "I understand that, and I mean no disrespect to your important tasks of the day, but I know this young woman very well, and I promise you that her business is more important and helpful than anything we have to do."

  "Is that so?" He looked directly at me. "May I ask what you have to do?"

  "She won't tell you," the elderly woman said waving her hand dismissively at him. "She's too humble." She left no option for me to speak and went on. "But I assure you that if we let her pass in fro
nt of us today, there is a huge chance that it will save a life."

  Save a life. That's how that amazing elderly woman described my coping with the temptations that surrounded me. I needed a second to think it through, but once I realized that it was my life she was talking about, tears threatened to burst from my eyes.

  One after the other, everyone standing in that line moved aside and cleared room for me to pass. That gesture was so moving that it actually gave me the strength to answer negatively to the most challenging questions that awaited me on the way out of that battlefield.

  "May I offer you anything from our daily promotions?"

  "No, thanks." I smiled as I managed to object to the first question of the cashier.

  "We have a Ferrero Kinder Surprise chocolate multi-pack for just $3.47."

  "No, thanks." It was easy to answer that question since I wasn't a five year old.

  "Maybe a pack of baby wipes for $2.97?"

  "Neither. Thanks, but I don't want anything from the daily promotions." Piece of cake. I already knew how to wipe my own ass and did so with a multilayer toilet paper, thus I didn’t need any baby wipes.

  "Would you be interested in a great value pack of five chocolate milk bar? It's only $2.00?" Fuck.

  "Only two dollars?" In my mind, I could already see someone sitting and rolling their eyes at me as I share this experience with the support group.

  "Yes, two dollars for five bars of milk chocolate. That's a great price, ma'am. Do you want it?"

  "Save a life, honey. Don't dwell on any of this crap." That elderly lady shouted loudly from her place at the far end of the line.

  "You know what? I just want to pay, please." I smiled and felt like the strongest woman in the universe.

  I was so happy about my victory in that battle, but I wondered if it would be a battle I would be able to win once again and decided that the next time I go to that battlefield, I would bring reinforcements with me, so as not to be in the minority against it.

  I recognized Noel sitting in front of my door with the first steps I took toward it. She sat cross-legged on my “Welcome” mat with her back against the door, looking at me strangely.