A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  I glanced through the keyhole and saw him dancing down the sidewalk, as if he wasn’t a human mountain just like me, if not bigger. He didn’t feel the need to apologize or explain himself when one of my neighbors stared at him for a long minute while walking his dog, nor did he hesitate to wonder if he should cease and desist when a group of teenagers, sitting on a bench opposite him, pointed at him and laughed. He simply expressed outwardly what he felt inside, and I envied him for being able to do that.

  He eventually started walking away, and once I couldn’t see him through the peephole anymore, I turned and leaned my back against the door.

  Sure, I wanted to invite him in and I even knew that I would dream about his soft lips clinging gently to mine that night, but I also knew that the next scene of my dream, the one that would wake me up with cold sweat, was the one that made me send him on his way.

  The conversation with him, the flirtations, the compliments, and even the potential kisses, were not what made me slam the door in his face. It was actually the memories and images from that evening in university that came back to my mind. Nausea hit me. The shame and the regret that filled me the next morning required a deeper thought before I could even consider the possibility of physical contact with anyone again.

  "Enemies don't come in!" I said in a clear and determined voice as I pushed the croissants waiting for me from the fridge into the garbage disposal unit, and a smile of triumph crept over my face while I washed it down.

  I sent a polite but firm message to the breakfast delivery service operator, canceled my long-time subscription with his company, and went to bed but didn’t fall asleep.

  For quite a while, I weighed my list of pros and cons for me having a romantic relationship with Don and savored each and every item in it until the details became vague, and I gave in to the darkness.

  The doorbell woke me.

  It was the second day of sick leave that Noel made me promise I'd take, and I had planned on sleeping late, but, apparently, someone had a different plan for me.

  "I'm coming!" I shouted loudly from the bedroom and started the ceremony of getting out of bed, but the damned bell kept ringing and ringing.

  For a second, I wondered if it was Noel, who got worried about my well-being, but then I realized it couldn’t have been her, since I had sent her a message late last night and announced that I was planning on sleeping late. I frowned and stomped my feet as I walked toward the door, curious to see who the hell was ruining my plans.

  "Good morning, beautiful Michelle. Did you order some breakfast?" Don was standing there, holding a picnic basket that looked particularly heavy.

  "I didn't order anything, and you woke me up."

  "That's great. It means you haven't eaten yet." He seemed so alert and perky.

  "I'd ask what you’re doing here, but I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself every time we meet."

  "If you hadn't sent me home so shamefully last night, you wouldn't have to wake up so early, but you did. So I went to sleep all by myself and had a very erotic dream about you."

  "Did you?" I swallowed hard.

  "Ohh… I most definitely did, and I don't know about you, but I make pampering breakfasts for those who treat me as well as you did in my dream."

  "Shhhhh…" I glanced from one side to the other to make sure none of my neighbors were anywhere near us. "You're out of control!" I added.

  "I'm out of control? After the kinky things you did to me last night, you have no right to say that to me!"

  "Will you keep it quiet?"

  "I can't. I'm in awe. Bravo Michelle! You were just amazing! A bit perverted, but mostly amazing."

  "Keep your voice down, Don!" I whispered loudly and blushed. What else could I do?

  "So? What do you say? Will you have a pampering breakfast picnic with me?"

  "No. Since I'm up this early, I want to go to the weight loss support group meeting."

  "That group is for losers, Michelle. We don't need it." He pushed me aside and came uninvited through my door. "I gave much thought into every ingredient I put in this basket, and I'm happy to tell you that there is nothing delicious here. Only healthy disgusting things."

  "Can I come in, Michelle?" I asked aloud the question I expected to be asked by him, yet had been dropped out so casually.

  "We don't need Janice and her group of lost souls." He turned to me. "Oh, say, can I come in, Michelle?" He laughed and continued as if he didn’t know what embarrassment was. "We both know we have nothing to gain from going there, and you don’t need any other support except the support I'm willing and able to give you."

  "Oh, is that so?" I teased him.

  "It is. You're not fooling anyone. It's clear that you don't really want to go to that shocking morning meeting."

  "Let's assume that you're right." I smiled. "Let's say that I'm willing to skip today's meeting—"

  "You already said you're not going." He pulled out a red and white cliché picnic tablecloth from his basket. "You really should keep up with what's going on here, Michelle."

  "When did I say that?"

  "I don’t know. I don’t take notes, but I heard it." He ignored me and proceeded to unpack the contents of his basket, laying everything out on the tablecloth he spread in the center of my living room.

  "Speaking of keeping track of what's happening around me, why are you setting up the picnic on the floor?"

  "Because it's an indoor picnic." He settled himself so easily down onto the tablecloth and proceeded to take out more salads, crunchies, and other groceries from the basket, which all looked quite expensive.

  There was no way for me to explain what was going through my head and keep my dignity at the same time, so I didn’t. I could have explained that I had to leave or lie and say that I had some previous obligations that I couldn’t cancel, but under no circumstances was I able to tell the truth proudly. The truth was that I couldn't imagine me sitting on the floor, or rather, I couldn't imagine him watching me trying to rise from it. I knew for sure that if by some miracle, he found me attractive up until that moment, after looking at me wrestling my way up from the floor, he would surely realize he was blind all along.

  "I'm done, my queen. Everything is ready for you. Come and sit next to me." The paralysis that my thoughts caused me allowed him to finish his preparations on the floor.

  "No, Don. I don't want any picnic set up in my living room."

  "It's weird, you know?" He got to his feet with inspiring lightness and faced me.

  "What's weird?"

  "All the mixed signals you're sending me."

  "I'm not sending any signals. I'm clearly telling you that I'm not—"

  "Yes." He interrupted me and continued. "On the one hand you say that you don't want to go out with me, yet on the other, you show up in the restaurant wearing that transparent shirt which, let's face it, you knew I couldn't take my eyes off. Don’t lie about it. You did that on purpose."

  "I…" I couldn’t find another word to attach to the beginning of my sentence, so I paused and gazed at him, stunned.

  "And you're doing it again, right now."

  "How am I doing it again? Am I sending you any mixed signals right now?"

  "Yes. I'm very confused! You say you're not interested in having an indoor picnic with me, yet you invite me to breakfast and arrange everything so expertly and beautifully in our living room. What am I supposed to think about that, Michelle? Huh?"

  "I don't believe thinking is an action that you put a lot of effort into." I wondered if I could convince him to move the picnic over to the dining table instead of the floor, but in that one second that I lacked concentration, he leaned over and kissed me unexpectedly.

  I closed my eyes and tried to delve into the feeling. It wasn’t even slightly similar to what I felt the last time a guy touched me like that.

  Weakness attacked my knees. My head spun like crazy, and my whole body woke up as if it had just been born and rediscovered that there's
a whole new world out there for it.

  "Well, there you have it," I heard him say as if from afar, though I felt the refreshing breath right next to me. "The hard part of this picnic is far behind us."

  "Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Now I'm starting to freak out." The truth suddenly poured out of me without any filter or hesitation. "Now, I understand that the first step into intimacy was taken and that there's no turning back."

  "I won't lie, Michelle." For a moment, I thought I was getting a serious response from him, but I immediately realized that wasn’t the case. "I'm also very disappointed about the fact that some fooling around is off the table for the time being, but I'm willing to reconsider that if it'll help you relax a little."

  "It won't, Don." This time his nonsense didn't make me laugh, and I stepped away from him. "I gave up on having a romantic relationship so long ago that I even forgot the option existed."

  "But then you met me!" He spread his hands sideways like a clown who didn't know when to stop.

  "That's right. I gave up on my wanting to find true love, and then, I met you, yet moments before meeting you, I made a decision."

  "Yeah, yeah…" He rolled his eyes. "You decided to live a healthier life."

  "I did. You can mock it all you want. You can belittle it, but I decided to live a healthy lifestyle, and I'm going to do it. I decided that before I would allow anyone to put their hands on me, I'd be willing to do it myself."

  "Do you mean that you want to...?" He narrowed his eyes in curiosity.

  "I do not, you pervert. I mean that before I would let anyone else see my body naked, I'd like to be able to look at it myself and feel okay. That's what I decided, but then... Then I met you."

  "And then you met me!" He smiled and again spread his hands to his sides.

  "And ever since I met you, I've been grappling with questions I don't know how to answer. Not only do I not have the ability to answer them, the very attempt to figure them out makes me so uncomfortable that—"

  Again his lips crushed onto mine, and this time, he placed his palms gently on the sides of my face. I felt my neck muscles slacken themselves and again the same dizziness as before hit me only harder this time.

  Don exerted a moderate and considerate force on my face. He held me strong enough for me to know he was there to take care of me, yet gentle enough for me to know that he wasn’t demanding anything I wouldn't stand for.

  His tongue explored every corner of my mouth, and suddenly, in my mind, we were no longer in my living room. I wasn't me, he wasn't him and this moment wasn't this moment.

  All the words he said to me gathered into such a warm sensation that was cut off ruthlessly, as his hand found its way to my waist.

  "No, wait. Stop!" I quickly backed away from him and opened my eyes to reality. The reality that I didn't have a waistline that he could lay his hands on with true and honest longing. All I had was excess skin and fat layers that I didn’t want anyone to touch. "That's enough."

  "I agree. I'm glad to hear you say that, Michelle." He took his car keys from the table and turned to me. "I also thought we should stop. My mother said that if I give myself too easily, I'll never gain the respect and appreciation of my dates, so if you want to see the full magic show, you'll have to pay for it." He smiled and winked at me before closing the door of my apartment behind him and disappearing from the most confusing morning of my life.

  I remained stunned as I stood there gazing at the closed door, trying to understand what the hell was I thinking, but didn't dare to formulate an answer to that poignant question.

  He may have been perfect, and he may have thought that I was perfect for him, but if I learned anything from that kiss, it's that there couldn’t be a relationship between us. Not yet.

  It didn’t matter how much he thought of me, since to me, I was nothing.

  When he kissed me, I was neither fat nor skinny, but when he placed his fingers on my waist, I couldn't escape the reality I wanted so much to change.

  The only thing I knew for sure was that I was on my way to a healthier lifestyle.

  "It's a good thing that he left, Michelle," I informed myself. "This isn’t the time to make stupid decisions." I let out a sigh of frustration that was pent up in me and wanted so bad to eat something sweet.

  Chapter 14

  Don

  I knew exactly what I was doing, and I chose to do it anyway. I controlled every step of the first kiss we shared and made sure that it left a taste for more alongside a positive experience. I could have stopped and settled for that, but I needed to make it clear that I was attracted to her.

  The last thing I wanted was to be incorporated into her life on a “friend” status or even just someone who had a crush on her. I wanted to clarify my intentions for her, but I clearly felt how my hand on her waist was a bit too much. I could also see the exact moment she returned to her senses and realized that one thing could lead to another and that she wasn’t ready for it.

  It was wrong of me to think that my short, yet successful courtship had managed to raise her self-esteem or at least make her believe that I really did like her.

  I left her house with great disappointment, as I realized that winning Michelle over was going to be a much more difficult challenge than I anticipated. Yet, I wasn’t ready to declare defeat.

  In moments like those, I always get an urge to call my mother and share my feelings with her. When I think about it, it's actually funny because ever since I came back alone from the hospital, a bereaved father and a widower, I refused to follow any more of my mother’s advice, but that didn't stop me from asking for it time and again.

  "What is it? Where are you calling me from? You're not home. What happened?" My mother sounded first confused when she answered my call, then disturbed or maybe pleasantly surprised, but finally sounded completely freaked out.

  "Mom, that's a very strange way to answer a phone call. You're becoming so weird. Someone has to tell you that."

  "I'm sorry, honey. Hi."

  "Hello."

  "Now, where are you? You're not at home. You sound like you're outside, so where are you?"

  "Good God, woman." I exhaled in frustration. "That does it. All the women in the world are unbearable. You, along with the rest of them."

  "Yes, yes. I'm insufferable, pushy, and nosy. Now tell me where you are."

  "I'm just leaving my girlfriend's house."

  "What do you mean 'your girlfriend?' She coughed for a few seconds and then continued with her interrogation. "Since when do you have a girlfriend?"

  "Since two days ago."

  "When did you meet her?"

  "Two days ago."

  "So you have a girlfriend, who you’ve known for two whole days, and you're leaving her house?"

  "Yep." I smiled as I imagined her trying to maintain restraint in her reactions.

  "Wait, wait, wait... Are you talking about a girl that is a friend or something of a romantic nature?"

  "Well..." I allowed a dramatic pause to linger in the air before continuing. "If she's just a girl that is a friend, it's very weird that I kissed her a few minutes ago."

  "Don!" She screamed. "Tell me the truth, I'm begging of you. Where are you right now?"

  "I'm on my way home from my girlfriend's house, whom I kissed." I clung to my version indifferently. "Twice."

  "Why don't I know anything about this girlfriend of yours?"

  "I don't know, Mom. You're the one who spent the last three years explaining to me that I need to let go of trying to control what I can't change. The little bits of information you've been able to get about my new girlfriend are—"

  "Don, I'm warning you. If you're fucking with me—"

  "Language, Mom!" I laughed freely.

  "Baby boy, I'm an old woman. If you don't start explaining what the hell you're talking about, I swear I'll—"

  "I love you," I rushed to say. "You know that, don’t you?"

  "And I love you."

 
; "And I also love Michelle."

  "So she has a name. That's progress. Her name is Michelle, and you love her? Don't you think it's a little premature to make such a big statement?"

  "A great big statement about a great big love between two great big people."

  "Oh, she's also..."

  "Fat? Yes." I chuckled in amusement. "She's fat too, yet unlike me, she plans to lose weight very soon."

  "Where did you meet her?"

  "At the weight loss support group."

  "Son, can I tell you something without you getting all worked up and angry with me?"

  "I don't know, Mom. Can you?" I already felt the rage building up inside me.

  "Make no mistake. I'm very glad to hear that you're taking your life seriously and chose to come back to a healthier path, but I don't think it's the right time for you to start a romantic relationship."

  "Okay." I refused to correct her, knowing that it would drag us into a long and loud argument.

  "You know that I just want what's best for you, don't you?"

  "I believe that that's your intention, although sometimes..."

  "So it's important for me to tell you that you need to learn to love yourself before you can let someone else love you."

  "Ugh, you sound just like Michelle. You two will get along very well." I ignored her refusal to accept my claim that I never stopped loving myself and continued. "You'll love her."

  "I sound just like her? Why? Did she also say that you have to lose weight first and only then start a new relationship?"

  "Something like that. She said something similar, but about herself. Don't worry, Mom. I'll convince her that I love her enough for both of us."

  "If you want nothing but good things for her, you will do no such thing."

  "Why would you say that?" I panicked.

  "Because I'm sure it took a lot of courage to admit loudly that she's not satisfied with her current version of herself. Especially when she realizes that it might cost her a nascent love."