A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  "You have no idea," I interrupted him. "I know for sure that she does, because... Because I know for sure she trains every morning, before work."

  "I have a feeling I'd be better off not knowing how you're so sure of that."

  "Don't worry, Ian. I'm not doing anything illegal. I mean... At least I think I'm not. Is it allowed to follow someone around from morning to evening if I'm not disturbing them at all?

  Ian slammed his palm straight onto his forehead, and then I shared everything I managed to learn about Michelle with him for forty-five minutes.

  I told him that the evening group meetings must have driven her to make a real change in her life and elaborated on what in her routine seemed to me as healthy, but also mentioned what I thought was extreme. I told him how seeing her in every corner made no sense since, during the past two weeks, I followed her around, and she didn’t show up in any of those places. Not even once.

  "You two are complete morons," he rolled out laughing. "Do you know why you saw her everywhere?"

  "Why?"

  "Because she was following you," he said, surprising me.

  "She was what? What are you saying?"

  "I'm saying that you may have been right. You might actually be each other's messed-up right person. She told me everything, and it all makes perfect sense now."

  "Speak out, man, or I swear to God…" I urged him with a warning point of my index finger.

  "It wasn't her routine that made her show up everywhere you went, it was yours. She came to your grocery store to see you, and the same is true in regards to the bench, the parking lot, the support meeting, and outside your house."

  "Outside my house?!" My eyes widened.

  "That's right. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. Did anyone ever tell you you're unbearable?"

  "I'm told that approximately twice a week, but only by people who love me."

  "I swear that's accurate." He laughed and shook his head. "Listen to me and listen to me well this time, Don. She was following you until she realized it wasn't healthy for her. Once she stopped, you started following her. Do I really have to tell you it's not healthy for you, or are you able to stop this distractive behavior on your own?"

  I wanted to answer him, but I didn't know what the correct answer would be.

  I had to rebuild my life. I knew that for sure.

  I also knew I had lost my mind.

  Ian claimed I needed to keep my distance to rebuild my life, but I couldn’t stay away from Michelle, as I needed her to be in my thoughts so that I would be able to get out of my house and I had to get out of my house in order to rebuild my life.

  Catch twenty-two.

  Damn.

  Chapter 19

  Michelle

  My heart was pounding, and sweat dripped down my forehead as Adam, my personal trainer at the gym, stood beside me and increased the treadmill's speed.

  "Stop that woman!" A deafening yell echoed throughout the gym. "What are you waiting for?" the familiar voice continued. "Stop her! She's an overdoer!"

  "Sir, please be quiet." Adam looked over in the direction of the shouting and asked of that 'sir' to behave in a proper and respectful manner, while I laughed, for he had no idea who he was dealing with.

  "Adam, I know that guy," I whispered to him. "He's as far away from being proper and respectful as you'll ever know, I promise you that." I giggled.

  "Who is he?" Adam looked confused.

  "His name is Don, and he is an idiot, but there's a slight chance that he's my idiot." I pressed the button that slowed my pace down as the excitement from having to deal with Don’s nonsense again exhilarated in me.

  "Him?" Adam asked, pointing to Don. "Are you sure you're talking about him?" His eyes remained focused in the direction from which Don's voice came and his gaze seemed quite troubled.

  "You, yes! The one who's looking weirdly at me!" Don shouted and sounded closer to us. "Yes, I'm talking to you! The very handsome and muscular guy that's looking at me! Snap out of it and stop her!"

  "Sir, please…" An embarrassed smile stretched across Adam's face, and he couldn’t speak for a short while.

  He scanned what was standing in front of him head to toe before he was able to open his mouth.

  "I ask that you keep quiet." Adam turned to me. "I don’t think we're talking about the same guy, Michelle. Do you really know this clown?"

  "I'm afraid I have to admit that I do." I waited for the treadmill to reach a complete stop so I could turn to Don.

  "Well, what are you waiting for, pretty boy? Stop this beautiful woman pacing next to you. Good God, man. Make her stop already! All of you here are just useless!" Don yelled, his voice right behind me, just as my treadmill came to a complete stop, and I turned around.

  My eyes widened when Adam's gaze suddenly made so much sense. Don's body was wrapped in an indecipherable piece of fabric, resembling a wrestler’s outfit, and over it, he wore a pink swimsuit thong, and I couldn't figure out if it was meant to be worn by men or women. Adam was right. He looked like an absolute clown.

  "Sir, this is the last time I'll ask you to keep your voice down," Adam rushed in a whisper, hoping to calm Don down.

  "Good morning, idiot." I took the towel hanging from the handrail and wiped the sweat dripping from my forehead.

  "My close friends call me Don." He smiled, and once again, a shudder went throughout every part of my body. "But just like her, you are definitely welcome to call me an idiot or a complete moron. Whatever works for you, you freakishly good looking man." Don completed his greeting to Adam, who shook his head and chose to simply walk away.

  For a few long moments, we stood there, staring at each other. I wanted to tell him something. No, that's not accurate. I had so much I needed to say to him, but I didn't know how I could even start that kind of a conversation, so I allowed the awkward silence to prevail, hoping that he would decide how to proceed from there.

  "So... Do you come here a lot?" He leaned his elbow against the handrail and adopted an excessively flirtatious tone of voice.

  "To tell the truth, yes. In the last few weeks, I've been coming here a lot. How about you? Where have you been working out because you look great!"

  "Michelle, please. We're in a public place. I can't have you strip me naked with your eyes like that. It's inappropriate."

  "We both know I don’t need to do much to imagine you naked." I gestured to the ridiculous attire he somehow managed to put on himself.

  "What's wrong with my workout clothes?" He turned around, and I was amazed that he didn't mind having everyone staring at him. "Haven't you ever seen a man in a tight wrestling bodysuit, long yellow tights and a pink Speedo thong over it?"

  "Is that even a man's thong?" I placed my palm on my forehead. "How did you leave your house looking like this in the first place?"

  "Can I invite you to a repulsive health shake and tell you all about it?" He reached out to me, and I crossed my arm through his as he accompanied me to the gym's cafeteria.

  I ordered us both my regular shake, kindly asked for it to be added to my open tab, and sat down after Don pulled out one of the chairs for me.

  "Ummm... This is... Is this supposed to be delicious?" He grimaced as he tasted the green shake I ordered for him.

  "Isn't it yummy?"

  "Sure." I could see he was having trouble swallowing it. "It's great!"

  "Now, for my routine question. What are you doing here, Don?"

  "I came to protect you from yourself. Someone should tell you that you're overdoing it in your training, Michelle, and since you're not sharing your actual workout schedule with Ian, I felt I needed to have an intervention with you."

  "And how would you know what my workout schedule is or where to find me?"

  "That was actually pretty straightforward to figure out. You're not as hard to find as you think you are."

  "Is that so? Because anyone who knows me would agree that the gym is the last place to look for me."

/>   "But unlike the others in your life, I know where you are at all hours of the day. You see? I paid someone on the police force to hack into your computer."

  "You what?!"

  "Yeah. He also got me wired into your phone calls and installed some hidden cameras at the entrance to your home and in your car. It's like I said, Michelle. It was actually very easy and simple to know where you are, once I got all that help set up."

  "Are you being serious?!" I nearly choked with panic.

  "I am not."

  "So you don’t have surveillance cameras on me? You're not listening to my calls and hacking into my computer?"

  "No, I'm not. But if I started my explanation with the confession that I was following you from a distance these last few days, you would have freaked out, right?"

  "I am freaking out!"

  "Yeah, but now you have to admit that me following you sounds a little less severe than me calling the police force on you."

  "You're hopeless." I let out a sigh of anxiety. "I'll ask again, Don. What are you doing here?" It was hard for me to get upset about him following me, knowing that I did the same thing, so I just shook my head in disagreement.

  "I'm here because of you. You made me get my life on a healthier path, and then you disappeared. Oh, and I wanted to tell you that you're annoying for making me live healthily."

  "I'm sorry, Don. I didn't mean to be such a good influence on you."

  "Your apology is accepted, provided you won't do it again."

  "I can't guarantee that." I eyed him and swallowed as soon as I realized I was looking at his that way.

  "While we're confessing and saying our apologies, I want to revisit what happened between us that day, Michelle. I wanted to say that—"

  "No, no." I flashed my hands at him and hoped he would stop right there because I didn't think we would be able to recover from our last and burdening conversation topic. "As two are needed to tango, two are also needed to make mistakes. I thought a lot about things after you left, and I don’t ever want to talk about it again."

  "Michelle, please. I beg of you," he quickly continued. "Don't keep pulling me toward good manners. Let me take responsibility for the mistakes I've made and allow me to admit that I didn’t act properly, because—"

  "Go ahead." I gestured toward him and leaned back in my chair, letting him do exactly what he asked of me.

  "I also gave that evening much thought after I left your house. I thought about how you asked me for one thing, but I supplied another. You asked to experience a real passionate sexual encounter with a real man." I felt the blush coloring my cheeks and glanced around, making sure no one else was close enough to hear him speak about us doing the deed. "Instead of being that 'real man' for you, I made you feel a desire more similar to a teenage boy who jumps at every opportunity to touch some boobies and drinks more than he can handle."

  "That's not entirely accurate, Don. Don't forget that you were just doing what I asked you to do."

  "And if you wanted me to jump off the roof? I knew that your request was wrong and that it would open a can of worms, but I did it anyway. Do you think still I should have done it?"

  "I don't know, but I have to admit that I'm tempted to ask you to jump off the roof, just to find out if you'll do it."

  "Michelle, neither one of us is in a good place right now."

  "But I'm headed there." I refined his claim because generally speaking, I agreed with him, but not entirely. "We're not yet in a good place in our lives, but we'll get there."

  "We will. We're on our way, and I have no doubt that we'll both reach the destination that we set for ourselves, but until then, I hope you'll agree that our presence in each other’s lives, is good and beneficial."

  "I agree." Once again, the damned blush painted my face red.

  "You do? I'm shocked! I was ready to win a very strong argument with you about this."

  "No. That won't be necessary." The ease with which he handled our conversation made me do the same, so I continued calmly. "I admit that my life was much more enjoyable when you were in it, than after you left."

  "In that case, I'm back!" He screamed and spread his hands, then continued in a lower voice. "All we have to do is keep our hands to ourselves. No hanky-panky, Michelle. I mean it!"

  "Do you think you'll manage without it?" Another flirtatious phrase followed by an eye roll and a wink came out of my mouth, while I tried to figure out where the hell it came from. I literally sounded nothing like myself.

  "Without any hassle," he blurted out in seconds later, then frowned. "I mean, maybe with some hassle… No, I mean, I'll do it! Hold on, wait... Not 'it.' I won't do 'it.' Will I?" He smiled at me casually.

  "My point exactly, Don. You have no real control over yourself, so how are we going to deal with that?"

  "We work out, but to a reasonable degree. We eat healthily, but to a reasonable degree. We experiment with kissing, but to a reasonable degree and for the love of God, Michelle, stop undressing me with your eyes. It's getting awkward!"

  "I will if you promise to stop shouting out loud every time we're in a public place."

  "So shouting is allowed only in a private place? Am I still allowed to make you laugh? Because I think I'm addicted to that sound."

  "You must make me laugh!"

  "And if I behave, you'll agree to be seen with me in public as well?"

  "Not when you're dressed like that!" Again, I gestured to the exaggerated attire he chose to stretch so tightly on himself.

  "Then, it's official!" He screamed, again, ignoring the promises he just made. "We're back in touch!"

  "There's nothing to see, people." I waved my hands as if dismissing the worried looks of those around us, even though no one was looking. "He's mine, ladies. Please stop undressing him with your stares, since as it turns out, this one is all mine!"

  I was amazed when a similar, blatant scream came out of my shy self. That was so not typical of me, yet the biggest surprise was that the blush didn’t come back to publicly shame me. I guess I wasn’t ashamed anymore.

  For half an hour, we sat there and completed the blanks from the passing weeks. Don told me about the difficulties he faced, and I listened to the goals he’d achieved and the progress he'd made.

  I especially enjoyed seeing how exposed, full of sensitivity and courage he was and found that his abstract style of speech dragged something of the same out of me. I spoke to him without having to worry about my exact words, as I usually did, and I loved it.

  "So, are we done with our small talk?" he suddenly asked.

  "I knew you had a hidden agenda!"

  "You know what Ian says, don't you? Everything in life depends on us setting achievable goals and targets for ourselves."

  "I do, so now what do you want to know?"

  "Why are you going so crazy with training?" He surprised me, and the first layer of my defensive walls between us was established.

  "I'm not overdoing anything. I'm exercising, and sport is healthy."

  "Okay, Michelle. You're not overdoing at all." He rolled his eyes and leaned toward me, whispering, "To be honest, you're the most reasonable and considerate woman I’ve ever slept with."

  "Oh, will you shut up with that already?!" He managed to get the blush to paint my cheeks pink again after I thought I found a way to control it.

  "Michelle, as it turns out, you're important to me. So you mustn’t overdo your training, because I can't have anything happening to you. You're supposed to be training two or three times a week, and you know it."

  "Okay, I work out a little more than Ian's recommendations." I remembered he said he had been following me, so I saw no reason to lie about that, yet I found a different thing to lie about. "But I told Ian. He knows all about it." I said, giving it a shot.

  "You're such a liar!" He shouted out loud and then leaned toward me, squinting his eyes straight into mine. "I know the truth, Michelle. This is your fourth time here this week, and Ian has no idea."
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br />   "You only know the facts, Don. Not the truth," I smiled. "This is my fourth time here this week, but do you see me exercising? No! I'm sitting with you and drinking this disgusting health shake."

  "I worry about you."

  "That's nice to know." I meant every word I said.

  "Michelle, promise me you're going to look after yourself. I don’t want to be the one to save you, I want you to save yourself."

  "If you mean that you want me to save myself for the 'one' to give my flower to, then you're too little too late for that advice."

  "Really? Just when I'm finally being serious? It's a little alarming, I must say." He didn't smile. Not even a little. He just lowered his chin and looked at me uncompromisingly. "Michelle, promise me that you'll take care of yourself. You know it's wrong and unhealthy to start training too intensely. Are you under any medical follow up? Are you feeling okay?"

  "What the fuck, Don?" I got angry. I had lectures on what was right or wrong for me in abundance, and I wasn’t looking for another source of it.

  "I don’t mean to be offensive, it's just that… I already had a... I mean... I know how it feels to... In my past, I experienced how..."

  "Don?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

  "Getting in shape is something that needs to be done under regime and supervision."

  "Well, if you were any good in following me, then you probably know I was at my GP this morning."

  "I stopped following you a few days ago."

  "That's a very insulting thing to do, but I'll let it slide."

  "Why did you go to your GP? Are you not feeling well?"

  "Adam, my personal trainer, the one you chased away earlier, he asked me to do some blood tests before we started with a more challenging training program, so I went in to get the results."

  "So there's nothing wrong? You're fine? What did the doctor say?"

  "What can he say, Don? You may be new to the world of obesity, but I'm sure you know exactly what doctors have to say when we walk in the door."

  "Um..." I could have sworn his facial expression revealed he had no idea what I was talking about.

  "Obesity, Don. I go for routine blood tests, and I get a lecture about obesity. I ask about my back pain, and I get a lecture about obesity. I wonder about the nausea attacks I suffer from, and he says obesity. I have avoided going there for years since I don’t need to be tested to know I'm obese."