When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  She reached up and touched her cheek, aware of the twinge of pain it caused, even as a fading bruise. ‘Do you want to know the details of how I got this bruise, how the man got drunk and tried to rape me. Shall we discuss that? Would you like to know how long I thought it would take to pay the money, only to discover that you refused? Would you like me to continue?’

  ‘Elena... please.’

  Her words were clipped and her voice husky with emotion. ‘And do you want to know about the terror when it all went wrong. When my parents did their worst?’

  ‘Enough!’ her mother snapped, shaking her head and raising her hand as if to block out the words she was hearing. She closed her eyes.

  They sat in silence.

  As they calmed, her mother was the first to speak. ‘I can only assume you must be in pain to talk to me like this. We will discuss it, yes, but not now. Emotions are running high. It’s too soon.’

  ‘It’s nowhere near enough. And too soon for whom exactly? Me or you?’ Elena’s heart raced as she contained the tirade she desperately wanted to let out. Only her own self-preservation stopped it. Weak and in pain, she needed to be calm, to rest.

  Looking away from her mother she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. ‘Where the hell is that fucking nurse?’

  ‘Elena!’ her mother exclaimed. ‘Please mind your language.’

  ‘Really,’ she shot back. ‘You’re seriously admonishing me for swearing, here, now, after everything?

  ‘I… just don’t want you to lower yourself like that.’

  ‘Well, maybe it’s the company I’ve been keeping lately, Mother. Ever considered that?’

  She expected her mother to show some fragments of remorse, even murmurs of justification for her actions, but not one apology passed over her mother’s lips. Not one.

  She sighed with irritation. ‘You know, I think it would be best if you would just leave.’

  ‘Elena, I’m your mother, and I’m worried about you. I’m not leaving.’

  ‘Of course you’re not. Why listen to anything I want?’

  ‘You’re upset. When you calm down, we can talk again.’

  ‘Fine.’

  They sat in icy silence until the nurse returned, a tray of medication in her hand. Elena watched her take in the vast change in the atmosphere. ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked as she made her way to Elena.

  ‘Yes, yes, everything’s fine. I’m just a little tired,’ she said, a little surprised with how much conviction she spoke. But then, she’d spent her life papering over enough cracks in her relationship with her parents to be very convincing at it.

  The nurse smiled and said nothing as she handed Elena a tiny paper cup with two tablets in it. She poured her a small glass of water from the jug on her bedside locker.

  Elena downed them both, glad to have something to take the pain away and hoped her mother would soon disappear too. The nurse went back to the notes at the end of the bed.

  Her mother opened her mouth to speak, but before she could do so there was another knock on the door.

  Adam rushed in, his eyes bright with concern. ‘Lena, darling,’ he said as he hurried to her side.

  He was dressed for work. It took a moment to sink in, but soon it wound its way to the front of Elena’s mind. He’s been at work. The day of my release and he’s been working? She processed this as he gathered her up clumsily, making her gasp.

  ‘Sorry honey, am I hurting you? Did they hurt you?’ he asked as his eyes darted over her face. His gaze lingered on the large bruise, as everyone had done before him. She wanted to scream.

  ‘My God.’ He sighed as he brushed his thumb over it. ‘What did they do?’

  She looked at him as he spoke, took in his handsome features, but he was a stranger to her now. His touch made her skin crawl, making her jittery, irritated by his closeness. She manoeuvred herself out of his hold, creating space between them. If he noticed, he said nothing.

  ‘Adam, have you just left work?’

  He blinked in surprise. ‘Well, yes, I had to go to the office. They needed me, and I couldn’t get out of it.’

  She nodded and looked at the nurse. ‘Can I ask what time I arrived?’

  The nurse checked the notes. ‘Ambulance arrival was… ten-forty.’

  Elena looked at Adam. ‘What time is it now?’

  ‘Elena, please. I’ve tried my best.’

  ‘What time is it now?’ she demanded.

  He checked his watch. ‘It’s two-thirty.’

  ‘Three hours and fifty minutes,’ she snapped as she crossed her arms, reeling from the fact that even her release hadn’t managed to pull Adam away from his work. ‘Well, thank you very much. My place on your list of priorities hasn’t improved, I see.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Your release was so sudden. Wonderful, obviously, but sudden. I’ve been trying to get to you all day. It’s been a nightmare, but I’m here now.

  She shook her head. ‘You know what? I’d really like to be on my own.’

  ‘You don’t mean that,’ Adam said as her mother began to bristle against her daughter’s orders. ‘Come on, I’ve just fought through London to be here. Don’t send me away now.’

  ‘I want to be on my own. I’m tired and need to rest. I’ve been through enough.’ She wanted to run, get out of this claustrophobic room, and leave these strangers behind.

  ‘Well, now that’s something I want to hear about,’ he said as he ran his hand over her hair.

  Visibly horrified, her mother interrupted. ‘No, Adam. I don’t think she should do this now. Elena’s had enough trauma for today.’

  ‘I’ve had trauma longer than that,’ she said, glowering at her mother. ‘She just doesn’t want to hear about it again, Adam. Even the snippets were more than enough for her.’

  Adam glanced at her mother and they shared a look, as if questioning who this strange imposter was. Elena wanted to explode with frustration.

  She huffed out an impatient sigh. ‘You can come back later, I suppose, when I’ve cleaned up.’

  She looked at herself in the hospital gown. Although it was crisp and clean, it did little to suppress her desire to freshen up.

  The nurse spoke as if to add weight to Elena’s words. ‘Elena is right; she needs to rest now.’

  ‘Of course,’ Adam said, deciding not to question the nurse’s authority. ‘But I trust you’ll call with an update for me later?’

  ‘Yes, or Elena can do that when she’s ready. We all need to give her time, I think.’

  Her mother stood, following Adam’s lead. ‘I have left a bag outside with the nurses. You can change into your own clothes when you’ve showered.’

  Elena watched with indifference, so removed from the people who were her family, who at that moment were nothing more than an irritation that she wanted gone.

  ‘I will call later, darling,’ her mother said as she gathered up her bag and coat. She kissed Elena on the forehead, and Adam stepped forwards to do the same. It was something she had never seen; both of them awkward and unsure of how to deal with her. She couldn’t deny the sense of satisfaction it provided.

  The nurse ushered her mother and Adam out of the door, closing it behind her.

  In the quiet of her room, Elena crumpled. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She should be grateful to be free and reunited with her family. She should be floating on air to have her life back, but she only wanted one person – and his absence made her feel worse than ever. Unable to stop the emotion, Elena let sobs rack her body until there was nothing left.

  Chapter 12

  After finishing a small meal provided by the nurse, which was to be eaten slowly to avoid her body rejecting it, Elena was offered the chance to shower. She did not hesitate. She wanted to wash the memories of that place away, wanted to cleanse herself of it, to remove it from her body, because she was sure she was becoming that room as the scent of must and decay hung from her skin.

  The nurse removed her IV li
ne and showed Elena to the ensuite before leaving her in peace. Elena shut the door and turned the dial of the shower, catching herself in the mirror. ‘Well, Elena, don’t you look the belle of the ball,’ she murmured as she stared at her reflection.

  She’d lost weight, having little to play with anyway, and her eyes had faint purple shadows circling beneath them. Her lips were pale, and her hair was held together in a braid that hung over her shoulder with errant strands escaping around her face. But these were all insignificant compared to the large, mottled bruise covering her right cheek. It was fading now but was still a rainbow of purple, brown and yellow. But given what she’d been through, it wasn’t so bad. The bruise would soon disappear, a hot shower would restore her to herself again, and a good night’s sleep in a bed, rather than a wooden floor, would erase the faint shadows under her eyes.

  She undressed and grabbed the shower gel and shampoo from her bag. Without warning, something changed. The serenity was replaced by anxiety creeping in, as if an unseen threat was here, with her. She looked up, and in the steam-filled room, the walls appeared to move inwards, closing in on the already tiny space. Her heart rate increased, and she had to inhale huge gulps of air to combat the dizziness and confusion. She fell to her knees, gasping for air and listening to the sound of the water hissing behind her. She was safe and in no danger, but she could not move her body from the crouching position she had put herself in, instinctively, as if to make herself small, to hide, to be unseen, as her mind disappeared into the mist.

  When she became aware of her surroundings again, she appeared to have been crouching this way for some time by the way her body ached and the density of the steam that filled the room.

  ‘Jesus,’ she whispered as she moved to stand, confusion peppering her mind. ‘What the hell was that?’

  Desperate for water on her skin, she stepped into the shower, and the feelings of panic soon faded to a rippled aftershock. She lingered under the hot stream of water and let it rush over her, washing away the grime of her ordeal – physically and emotionally. She stayed there, letting the sensation calm her, deciding the soap could wait.

  As she lathered shampoo into her hair for the second time, she understood the difference between being clean and feeling clean was a chasm that was vast and wide. She figured she’d need to take a good many showers before she’d feel rid of that place and the events that went on there.

  The invigorating scents of honey and lemon mingled with the mist from the shower as she cleansed her body, over and over. Scrubbing, rinsing, and repeating until there was no more gel in the bottle.

  She turned off the water and reached for the fluffy towel, wrapping it around herself in a warm cocoon. No more itchy hair or clammy skin, just soft warmth against her body. She dried herself and dressed in an old t-shirt and yoga pants, both of which hung loosely over her frame. Delving further into the toiletries in her bag, she brushed her hair and moisturised her skin, taking care around her bruise. Finally, she slathered her toothbrush with paste and scrubbed her teeth hard. The minty paste burned hot in her mouth and on her tongue, and she relished the clean sensation. But it didn’t stop her from adding more paste to the brush and beginning the task again. She finished up, grabbing her lip balm and smearing it over her lips.

  ***

  Safe in the care of the hospital, Elena relaxed a little. She had even managed a nap. But her peace was disrupted when the nurse popped her head around the door and advised her that Adam had returned.

  ‘Lena,’ he said as he strode towards her. ‘Feeling any better now, or am I going to have my head bitten off again?’ he said with amusement in his voice. ‘I hear you’ve eaten. I hope that’s helped?’

  Just breathe. After all you’ve been through, you can handle him. ‘Yes, I’m feeling much better now,’ she said, keeping her voice steady.

  ‘Great,’ he said as he sat on the edge of the bed, close to her. ‘Well, you certainly look better, now you’re all cleaned up.’ He smiled and wrinkled his nose.

  Her face flushed with embarrassment. ‘Thanks,’ she said as she smoothed her hair self-consciously. ‘Can always count on you for telling it like it is, even though I wasn’t that bad.’

  ‘I was only joking,’ he teased.

  ‘Funny.’

  ‘Have the police paid you a visit yet?’ he asked, scanning her face.

  ‘No, that’ll be tomorrow now. I can't face any more visitors today.’

  ‘Do you want me to be here when you do? For a hand to hold?’ His eyes lowered as they glanced over her body, but she kept hers on his.

  ‘No, I’ll be fine, but thanks.’ She didn’t want him to be anywhere near her when she was going to be Little Miss Deceit. He’d recognise if she was lying easily enough, so she wouldn’t risk it.

  ‘So, do you want to talk about it now?’ he asked.

  ‘No, I really don’t,’ she said quickly, feeling that all the things she should be discussing with him required too much energy. The events of the day and her newly found freedom had left her more than a little weary.

  He nodded again. ‘Okay, Lena, maybe tomorrow,’ he said as he ran his hand up her arm. ‘You did give us all a fright, you know,’ he said with a small laugh as if she had any control over what had happened to her.

  ‘Believe me, it was a lot more frightening on my side of the fence.’

  ‘Of course it was. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?’

  ‘No, but there is one thing,’ she said. ‘My phone. Do you know what happened to it?’

  He sighed, nodded. ‘Ah, yes that. The police found it in a bin just around the corner from your house.’

  ‘Oh,’ she whispered as the memory of that day suddenly filled her mind.

  ‘They kept it I think, but I can speak to them to see if we can have it back?’

  She nodded.

  ‘But you know, I could always arrange a new phone for you, if you’d like?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because from the look on your face, I’m guessing you probably don’t want that particular one as a reminder?’

  ‘Well, now that you mention it, no, I suppose I don’t.’ She sighed. ‘That would be great, thanks. I’ll get the money to you when I can.’

  He huffed out a laugh. ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I know, but I will. You shouldn’t be picking up the tab for this.’

  ‘It’s just a phone.’

  ‘Maybe to you, but I feel eternally dependent on everyone right now and I really need some control. I’ll be paying.’

  ‘Whatever makes you happy.’

  ‘It will make me happy. That, and the distraction of a phone. It’s hard being here and not being able to see what’s going on in the world, or speak to anyone; Charlotte, Abigail–’

  ‘Me.’

  ‘Yes, all right,’ she said with a roll of her eyes. ‘You too.’

  ‘No problem. I’ll sort it.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, catching the way he looked at her.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said as his hand lingered over hers. Uncomfortable with the sensation, she moved hers away.

  ‘Are you tired now?’

  ‘Maybe.’ She was unsure of anything, but his closeness flustered her, making her feel disloyal.

  He leaned in closer, his eyes on hers. ‘I missed you so much,’ he murmured as he brought his lips to hers, quickly moving on to explore and nuzzle her neck.

  ‘Don’t, Adam,’ she said as she began to struggle. She didn’t want him; it wasn’t right, so with what little energy she had left, she shoved him hard away from her. ‘Adam, I said no. Stop it, just stop it.’

  He stopped and pulled away, staring at her, shocked at her reaction. ‘Jesus, Elena. It was only a kiss.’

  ‘Only a kiss? What the hell are you thinking?’ she spat. ‘I’ve just been released. Why would you think I’d want anything like that? We’re in the hospital for heaven’s sake.’

  Both mute with a mix of exasperat
ion and surprise, the room fell silent for a moment.

  After what felt like an eternity, he reached out to her with a remorseful expression. ‘Lena, I’m sorry. That was an epic fail on every level. I don’t know what I was thinking.’ He squeezed her hand, struggling to find the words. ‘It’s just … I’m here, you’re here, looking so beautiful and alive, and I guess I was confused and I just thought… well, you know.’ He exhaled. ‘I guess I got a little carried away.’

  ‘But here?’ she said. ‘Today?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said rubbing the back of his neck. ‘As I said, epic fail. I just can’t believe you’re here. It’s amazing. We always hoped–’

  ‘Look, it’s no big deal,’ she said wearily. ‘This is surreal for all of us. We’re all dealing with it differently, I suppose.’

  ‘I just want to put it behind us. Get back to normal as soon as possible.’

  ‘Pick up right where we left off as if nothing had happened?’ she said, unable to mask the slight mocking tone in her voice.

  ‘Well… yes,’ he said, his eyes giving away his surprise that she could think otherwise.

  ‘But so much has changed,’ she said. ‘I’ve changed, and I need to pick up the strands of my life again. And I’m not joking when I say I’m really not sure when I’m going to be ready for any kind of intimacy.’

  He nodded. ‘Of course darling, I understand. It was stupid and clumsy, and I’m racing ahead instead of giving you time. But I do understand the ordeal you’ve been through; I’m not made of stone.’ He sighed. ‘Can’t we start this evening again?’

  ‘I’m so exhausted, Adam,’ she said, feeling more than a little defeated. At what point did getting her life back become so hard?

  ‘Of course you are. Why don’t you relax and lay back. I won’t try any more of my moves on you tonight,’ he said with a grin.

  She smiled as he did his best to plump pillows and smooth blankets. Being nurse maid was not a role he was used to playing but she’d wait until he’d gone before she made herself properly comfortable.

  ‘I was so worried, Lena,’ he said, serious now, as he sat beside her. ‘Every day, I’d wake up and hope the nightmare would be over, but every day it would go on and on. You were just … gone.’ He shook his head and stared, focusing on nothing, still there, in that moment. ‘There was a large gap in my life where you should’ve been, and with each day that went past I never knew if that would be the day we’d get the call.’