“Yes, I felt guilty,” she murmured.
Hearing the raw pain in her tone, he reached for her, but she moved away. “Mason, this is why I’ll never make it as a mother.”
“Of course you will. You have. Stop beating your self up about this. It’s over, and everyone’s okay,” he said, trying for a positive note in his voice to counter the uncertainty in her eyes.
Ever so slowly, she gave him a tiny smile, and he smiled back, his spirits lifting. This time she didn’t resist when he tucked her body close to his, her warmth mingling with his.
“Lisa, you told me a little bit about Linda Jean before, but you never explained how that experience affected your feelings toward children. Why not?”
“Because I…I wanted to put an end to my past—move on. I thought I’d gotten over my lack of confidence.”
“Until I pushed you on the issue.”
“Yeah. Our breakup made me realize that my fear was holding me back, so I took the job in pediatrics to try to overcome it.”
“Lisa, why didn’t you trust me? If I’d known what the incident with Linda Jean had done to your self-esteem, it might have changed things.”
“I guess maybe because of how guilty I felt. How inadequate. Looking back, I realize I assumed it was my problem to deal with.”
With complete remorse he remembered what he’d said that night at dinner—how she didn’t care about children. What had ever made him say that? Why hadn’t he sensed what was behind her decision? “Go on.”
“After the night with Linda Jean Bemrose, my mother didn’t encourage me to babysit again, and I wouldn’t have been willing to do it, anyway. I was too afraid. And that fear only got worse.”
“But you must’ve realized that at some point children would be part of our relationship.”
She sat up, moved to the edge of the sofa and gave him a thoughtful gaze. “After feeling inadequate for so long, I simply wasn’t prepared to think of my life with a child in it.”
So that explained the look on her face the night he’d brought it up. “Lisa, we all have issues that spring from mistakes we’ve made. I’ve got quite a list, actually,” he said dryly.
She didn’t speak or look at him for several moments, and when she did, the misery on her face made him wish he could say the right words to soothe her.
“Lisa, no one’s perfect, nothing in life is perfect. And there was no way you could’ve known that little girl would have a seizure. And what happened a few minutes ago was an accident. Accidents happen to the best of parents.”
He clasped her shoulders. “And you’re a good, loving parent to Katie,” he said.
“Those are words I never thought I’d hear,” she said.
As she relaxed into his embrace, his heart swelled in his chest. “This time you’re going to stay.”
A smile eased the anxiety from her face. “Right here?”
“In my arms,” he said, and they grinned at each other.
Holding Lisa close, letting his relief wash over him, he was startled to discover that, for him, loving Lisa had been about how well she fit into his arms—and his life. But he’d taken her for granted; he saw that clearly now.
He’d simply assumed that because she was so easy to be around, that what he wanted, she’d want. Lisa was the kind of woman who lived to bring happiness to others—her family, her friends, her patients and, at one time, him.
And the saddest truth of all was that he’d never appreciated that caring. If he’d been more aware of her feelings, he would have noticed how reluctant she was to be around children. He could have really listened when she’d told him about her experience with Linda Jean and been there to help her over her fear.
Instead, he’d rushed headlong into his plans for marriage and family, assuming she’d be a willing part of it.
His idea of loving Lisa had been about what he wanted, not about what she needed. He’d assumed that whatever he saw as important to their relation ship, she would agree with because she loved him.
As he felt her body pressed to his, he realized a life without Lisa was out of the question. On the heels of that realization came the unalterable truth. He hadn’t loved her the way she needed to be loved.
Lisa deserved a man who’d be there for her…only for her.
Ashamed at how little he’d understood her, and how shallow that had made his love for her, he decided that things between them would be different from now on. Whatever it took, he would make it up to her.
“Lisa, I’m sorry for walking out that night. I should have stayed and listened to you. What I did was wrong, and I want to make it right.”
She didn’t move, nor did she respond.
And when he felt her arms loosen around his body as she edged away from him, he wished he’d never said a word. Her withdrawal reminded him that the last time he’d said what was in his heart, she’d rejected him.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
IF ONLY HE’D SAID those words five years ago, she thought.
“Mason, I’m sorry, too, but does that change anything?”
“It might, if we worked at it.”
Could she say what was really on her mind? For months after he’d walked out of the restaurant, she’d waited, hopeful that he felt as bad as she did about what happened. She’d even rehearsed what she’d say, that she loved him but she needed time to come to terms with the idea of having children. But he didn’t call, and doubt crept in. The day her mother told her that Mason had married Sara she’d been forced to face reality. He didn’t share her feelings.
In the midst of what had just happened with Katie, he’d chosen now to say he’d talk about it? “You’re timing’s not great.”
He chuckled. “It never was.”
Seeing him now, the anxious way he rubbed his forehead, made her wish she wasn’t so stressed out. If they were alone and she was more relaxed, talking over their problems would be easier. But when it came to Mason, talking seemed to be the one thing they didn’t do well. “Even if we could—I mean, if we had that conversation—it won’t change the fact that you may have to move to L.A.”
“What if we discover that we still love each other?”
“Then you’d have to choose between Peter and me.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. Our lives have changed, we both have family commitments we can’t ignore.”
She heard Katie calling out for her. “I’ve got to go and check on Katie.”
“Katie’s fine with your mother. We need to finish this.”
How could she discuss something so emotionally charged with him when she was already anxious about Katie? Besides if she couldn’t give Katie adequate care and attention, being a parent herself was out of the question, which meant so was a relationship with Mason.
“I know how much we both need to discuss this, but after what happened with Katie, I need to be with her, to recover a little. Can we do this another time?” she said, getting up off the sofa.
“Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
“Thanks,” she said, heading for the kitchen and away from the disappointed look he gave her.
She found her mother sitting with Katie on her lap, her arms around the little girl. “I think she needs a nap,” her mother said. Lisa saw Peter was already asleep in front of the TV. “She also needs you to hold her.”
“I want to hold her, too,” Lisa whispered, gathering Katie into her embrace. The way her tiny arms slid around her neck, the sweet scent of her skin, made everything seem right again. “You’ll be okay with Peter? He looks like he’s out.”
Her mother nodded and she took Katie up the stairs. In the bedroom, Lisa removed Katie’s damp swimsuit and found a pair of Dora the Explorer pajamas for her.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I should never have left you alone like that. I won’t do it again, I promise,” she said as Katie raised her arms, allowing Lisa to pull the pajama top over her head.
“I want Mommy,”
Katie whispered, slipping her thumb into her mouth.
Recognizing the pout of Katie’s lips as the warning of tears to come—and unable to handle any more tears—she gathered Katie close to her.
What would she do the day Anne Marie came for Katie? How would she feel when these little arms no longer sought her caring?
As she stood holding Katie, Mason appeared behind her.
“Peter’s sound asleep.”
Giving him a tentative smile over Katie’s curls, she whispered, “I’m hoping she’ll fall asleep, too.”
Mason eased the rocking chair toward her. “Why don’t you sit here for a little while?”
Lisa settled into the chair with Katie cuddled against her, providing her with a feeling of connection, of being essential to this child.
Unwilling to move Katie to her crib until she was asleep, Lisa rocked her gently. “I wish I could erase what I’ve done.”
“Lisa, let it go and enjoy your time with Katie,” he murmured.
“But I wanted everything to be perfect!” she protested.
Katie’s breath caught, and for a few seconds Lisa feared that her sudden outburst had woken her. When the little girl gave a quick, shuddering sigh and nestled closer, Lisa patted her back to soothe her.
“Lisa, parenting didn’t come easily for me, either. Not at first.”
“Why? You love children. You were raised in a big family.”
“That’s true. Still, as much as I wanted children, I had no inkling of what it meant to be a father. Like you, I felt insecure.”
“You? But you’re a natural with children. Your nieces and nephews love you,” she said, trying to make sense of his words.
“What I’m trying to say is that everyone has doubts about being a parent. Yet despite those early misgivings, after the first couple of months, my feelings for Peter changed.”
“How?”
“I couldn’t picture my life without him—simple as that. Suddenly there was a living, breathing little person who was not only a part of me, but a part of my life forever. That’s what loving a child does to you. You can no longer separate yourself from your child, emotionally or mentally. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Peter.”
The vulnerable look in his eyes told Lisa how much he meant those words. The kind of words that spelled the end of any hope for their life together. He would move to L.A. for Peter’s sake. A hollow feeling spread from her stomach to her chest; her body tensed, and Katie stirred in her arms.
“You’re so lucky, Mason,” she said, frantically searching for something, anything, to fill the void forming in her. Until this moment she never really believed that Mason would leave Durham…would leave her.
“I am, and Peter made me see just how good my life’s been.”
Without me, she wanted to add.
As she rose to put Katie in her crib, Lisa faced the truth. She still loved Mason…would always love him. And worse, at this moment she felt closer to Mason than she ever had in all the time they were together.
But she still needed to hear his explanation of that awful night, the night he left her. Maybe too many changes had taken place for them to find common ground on which to begin again, to believe in them selves as a couple with a future, but she needed to hear him say the words.
“Lisa, why don’t you come downstairs with your mother and me?” he asked, putting his arm around her shoulders. “I’m sure Carolyn’s worried about you.”
“I…I should stay here for a bit, in case she wakes up. I’m afraid she’ll be upset, and I don’t want that. I need her to understand she’s safe with me…. Some how she has to see—”
“Lisa, if you cling to her, you’ll make her think that something’s wrong. It’s perfectly normal for her to have a nap after lunch. Stick to her routine, don’t encourage her fear.”
“The way my mother would have, is that what you’re saying?”
“Let me take her,” he said. Gently Mason eased Katie out of her arms, his gaze never leaving Lisa’s face as he moved to place the sleeping child in the crib.
Lisa watched, acutely aware of how happy and contented she felt in this room with Mason beside her. “Isn’t she adorable?” Lisa whispered, her heart flooding with love for the little girl.
Mason rested his hands on Lisa’s shoulders, and the warm touch of his skin on hers made her want to put her arms around him and never let go.
“She is. And she’s also loved, all because of you,” he said, bending his head close to hers.
Slowly he lowered his lips to hers, his arms sliding around her.
She closed her eyes and answered his kiss, feeling the strength of his body beneath her fingertips.
As his lips covered hers, all the worry that had haunted her slipped away, leaving her feeling newly fulfilled.
“Mason, thank you,” she whispered against his lips. His powerful hands encircled her waist as he pulled her deeper into his embrace.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said, speaking softly next to her ear, making her body shiver with excitement. He held her face in his hands, his hungry eyes sweeping her features. She could feel his heart beating a tattoo beneath her fingers.
“Daddy?” Peter’s still sleepy voice broke into the moment.
Mason grinned as he turned to his son standing in the doorway. “What is it?”
“Why did you kiss her?” Peter asked.
He hugged Lisa close, burying his face in her neck. “Because I want to,” he said.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE NEXT DAY Lisa and her mother sat in the sunroom recovering from their latest shopping spree. They’d bought Carolyn new clothes and knitting supplies so her mother could return to her old hobby.
And all the while, Lisa couldn’t erase the feeling of Mason’s lips on hers.
True, a kiss between friends was wonderful, but Mason’s kiss had not been that of a friend.
“I’m really looking forward to my session on Monday with the physiotherapist. And I’m going to start a sweater for Katie.” Her mother gave a contented sigh. “You and I always seem to have a great time, no matter what we’re doing.”
“We do, don’t we?”
She was just about to get up to put coffee and cinnamon rolls on the table when the phone rang. When she answered, she was delighted to hear Anne Marie’s voice.
After a moment of casual exchanges over the weather and what their mother had been doing, Anne Marie switched topics. “Where’s my precious angel?” she asked, her voice overflowing with excitement. “Mommy has news.”
“She’s watching SpongeBob on TV, her thumb in her mouth and her arms wrapped around Nemo,” Lisa replied.
“Sounds like she’s having fun. Can you tell her that Mommy wants to talk to her?”
“Sure.” Lisa went and got Katie.
“Mommy!” Katie squealed when she heard her mother’s voice. She hugged the phone close to her face. “When are you coming?” she murmured, her tiny lips kissing the phone, her eyes lit up with joy.
Lisa witnessed Katie’s delight at hearing her mother’s voice, her excited giggles spreading happiness around the room.
“Mommy wants you,” Katie said, passing the phone to Lisa while she climbed into her lap.
“Hello again,” Lisa said, making room on her lap for Katie, gratified to see the pleasure on her niece’s face.
“Boy, it’s great to hear Katie. And I have wonderful news. I’ve been released! All the charges are dropped.”
“You’re kidding! What happened?”
“Just a couple of days ago, after the investigator you hired did some checking around, the police found a huge stash of marijuana and oxycontin in a storage locker rented by Jeff. His prints were all over the packages. Then one of his accomplices agreed to give evidence in exchange for a lesser sentence. Jeff confessed—and not only that, he told the police I wasn’t involved. I was so relieved! Mr. Watt says they have no direct evidence linking me to Jeff’s operations, and I was being used
as a cover.”
“Fantastic! Mom,” she called over her shoulder, “they’ve dropped the charges.”
Hugging Katie tight, she passed the phone to her mother and listened as Carolyn talked excitedly, her face suffused with happiness.
Lisa’s throat tightened at the realization that her family had a chance to be together. Having Anne Marie in Durham would be wonderful; she was sure her sister would take her offer to live here while she found a job and an apartment.
“Anne Marie wants to speak to you again,” her mother said, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
“Anne Marie, I’m so excited for you.”
“Well, if it hadn’t been for that lawyer and the investigator you hired, I’d still be locked up. Thanks, Lisa.”
“You’re welcome. We can’t wait for you to come to Durham! We want you to stay at the house with us while you decide what you’re going to do next. I know there are tons of job opportunities in Durham for you, or you could go back to school.”
“As a matter of fact, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. While I was waiting to be released, I had lots of time to think about my situation, and I’ve decided that I’m going to become a social worker. I’m sure it sounds like a huge project to take on, and I’ll be tight for money—”
“You don’t have to worry about money. You’ve got me.”
“Lisa, you’re the best sister I could ever ask for, but I don’t want you paying my bills.”
“At least stay here while you go back to school.”
There was a pause. “This will probably sound strange to you, but things changed for me while I was in jail.”
“I can see how that could happen,” Lisa said enthusiastically.
“I met a social worker who helped me see how lucky I was to have been given a second chance to make a life for myself and Katie. There are a lot of women here in Florida without an education, little or no family support or financial means. I was one of them. With the aid of others—and you—I survived. Now I want to help these women restart their lives. The social worker is going to put my name forward to an organization that gives educational funds to women in need, like me.”
A Child Changes Everything Page 12