Past Lives

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  If you really want to I can help you to never have a child, but I'm sure you would come to regret it. And it would hurt Lykos immensely, for he is hoping so much to have a normal life and raise a few children himself. You are such a strong and caring group, you would do really well raising children.

  As for your biggest fear, bearing a child that would be loved by all of you, but rejected by society, that will certainly not happen. My father, the most powerful god on this world, has already promised you it will not, Lykos has told me about his words to you, and my brother did, too. We gossip a lot amongst ourselves, I'm sorry to admit. But my father always keeps his word, so please let that fear go.'

  Finally letting her fear out to another woman was a great relief. Melissa had always felt ashamed to not want a child, as if she was an unnatural woman. And she probably wouldn't mind having children, just not now.

  And how could a god make sure she didn't carry a satyr child? And did Zeus' words mean she would certainly become pregnant whilst she was here?

  She didn't remember his exact words. She was just so tired, she could not control herself and cried until she was totally exhausted, and Aphrodite started to worry about the grief she had inadvertently caused.

  Though in fact she had not caused it, it had been there all along.

  Paul was talking to her brother on the other side of the terrace, and as Melissa had started to cry, his eyes had been repeatedly pulled in their direction. But they were obviously sharing confidences, and it was clear he didn't want to disturb them.

  Still he kept a close eye on his beloved, and when he discerned concern on Aphrodite's face he could no longer control himself, he had to check why Melissa was in such distress. He excused himself with Hermes, and came towards them, with worry in his every feature.

  Kneeling beside his love he asked: 'Why are you so upset, my dearest?

  Has it all been too much for you? You have been so strong for us, and we have taken your comfort, and your love, and have forgotten you are only one person yourself, and a very young one.'

  Aphrodite made room for him to hold Melissa instead of her, but did not leave altogether. The poor girl was not in any state to talk, the rough last days, the loss of Paul's strong will, and facing her all-consuming fear that becoming pregnant would be the end of all she held dear, had taken a heavy toll.

  She could only whisper to Aphrodite: 'You tell him,' and then she fell asleep in the arms that had always supported her.

  'I'm sorry Paul, it was my fault she fell apart. I commended her for being so strong today, supporting both of you, loving both of you, and asked her whether there was nothing she feared. She told me she had one overwhelming fear, but didn't dare tell me. I pushed a tiny bit, I thought it must be something horrid, maybe something I could help her with, and it turned out her one, all-consuming fear was'

  'getting pregnant,' Paul finished her sentence. 'I know, we've talked about it. To be honest, Aphrodite, I couldn't relate to that at all, how could having a baby be so bad? Most married people want a baby, don't they?

  There's always been a risk, though frankly I didn't realize that until she told me she feared it so much. I tried to comfort her, it wouldn't be so bad, there's three of us, and three families to help us in any way they can. But she is so certain it would end everything.'

  'And now she is afraid that if she conceives here, the child might be a satyr,' Aphrodite added. 'Ophius told her to consult me. I'm sorry I got her so upset.'

  'You didn't do that, it was the circumstances spinning an unreasonable fear out of control. We've asked too much of a very strong woman, she deserves better. And she will receive better, first of all from me.

  Will you please help Lykos to relieve me of the trauma that has taken my strength? We thought it would be best if I got over it myself, but it won't do, I cannot have Melissa suffer for my love of control. She needs me strong and fearless.

  Once you are all gone to judge Dionysus, I want to be able to defend myself and my own. I don't want to huddle in a corner waiting for the axe to fall, I want to be my old self, and rely on magic to keep myself safe.'

  He contacted Lukas, who was within reach of his mind, taking a stroll

  along the beach with his step-mother, and asked him to come back to him.

  And he gestured to Hermes, who was still sitting at the table in the far corner, but looking at what was happening, of course. The beautiful god approached them.

  'Melissa has been under too much stress, she's suffering for my stubbornness. I'm going to ask Lykos to take my trauma away, and I want to ask you a favour, one you have offered me already since we came here: Will you please give me one of those permanent links to your power so I can use magic to defend myself? And have you know when I'm in danger? I will not allow the love of my life to suffer whilst I prove I can conquer my fear. This ends now.'

  And at that exact moment, Lukas stepped on to the terrace, straight at them. Paul linked to his mind to bring him up to speed, and within seconds he was ready for action, having wished to do this for days.

  Lukas linked to Aphrodite routinely, then touched his most beloved friend, who sat with Melissa still in his arms. Fear and humiliation rushed in, but Lukas allowed his detachment to make the memories less personal, it wouldn't do to take Paul's suffering on himself.

  To be anchored by a goddess was also a distinct advantage, it was so personal to be in Paul's mind, amongst their shared memories, and the things that had been done to his beloved friend were counter to all Lukas wanted to know about love. It was for the best to have a neutral mind along, one who knew more about the world than Lukas did.

  Lukas had become so adept at this, and Paul had progressed so much in just two days, that restoring him to all his former bossiness and self-confidence was a matter of minutes. Lukas was tempted to set Paul's self-control back to its English level, but thought the better of it. Let him enjoy Greece whilst they were here.

  At the very moment that Lukas came back into the now, Aphrodite sent him a report on Melissa's intense fear of getting pregnant, and offered the option of rendering her sterile to him as well. And as she thought, this upset him so much, he had such hopes for a child of Melissa and Paul's. A tiny stray thought reached her involuntarily, of his wish to have one more child of his own body to raise himself, surrounded by love as he was now, and it got stuck in her mind.

  She could do it, but not as long as Melissa was so afraid of having any child.

  Within seconds, they were back, to find Paul totally different. His face was still a mess of black and blue, but his eyes were no longer haunted, and he kissed Lukas hungrily, used to him needing some kind of love after a mind-healing, and delivering a big 'thank you'.

  And after that kiss Paul looked straight at Hermes, who sat down in front of him and touched his head at both his temples. The sleek god lighted up, then seemed to defy his possessive son by kissing Paul full on the mouth, Paul answering it without hesitation.

  After that the two ancient gods left the three of them together to find each other again, they had been forced to share so much with others that they needed some time alone. Hermes and Aphrodite sat down at the table with Ophelie, drank wine and talked about the state of affairs in Hermes' realm.

  Lukas was indeed a bit indignant. 'What was that all about?' he asked in an almost hurt tone of voice. Paul took him in his arms as well, the three of them sitting close together, Melissa still sleeping, and said: 'I had him give me one of those power-links, Lukas. I wanted to be strong and bossy again, but I also want the power to enforce it.

  I know I can have yours, but I want you to come back with us to England very much, and it's probably better if we stay on equal footing, without me being dependent on you for everything. Besides, I want Hermes able to find both Melissa and me all the time, knowing as soon as we are in trouble.

  When you leave us to attend Dionysus' judgement we need to be able to defend ourselves, but there are many things in this world we cannot handle,
and Hermes can be with us in seconds. Can you accept that?'

  A kiss and a curly head against his chest were enough answer. He scratched those horns a little, smelled his lover's musky scent mingle with that of the woman he loved, and all was well for a few moments, sitting there together, himself back in control, free of unreasoning fear, ordeal remembered but no longer ruling his being.

  Finally Lukas said: 'You want me to come back with you?'

  'Of course I want you to return with us! What would we do without you?'

  Lukas did need to be reminded of being loved constantly, even though he was a god now. 'Lukas, I love you very much, I never want to live without you.'

  And right now Melissa needed him: 'Lukas, should we wake up Melissa, talk to her? Assure her that though the burden of carrying and bearing a child would be hers, we would always be there for her, and care for her, and for the

  baby if she wanted to go to work, or have fun, and that we'd make love to her no matter what and starve her if she got too fat?'

  'I heard that, you over-muscled, hairy, bossy.......' Melissa was clearly awake, wanting to punch him for his rudeness, but not daring to.

  'He's right though,' Lukas said, grinning, 'we would starve you. And you can punch him again, he let me take away the fear, he's back to his old, bossy self.'

  Then he softened totally and almost pleaded: 'There is nothing I want so much in this life as your children to raise, Melissa, will you please not rush into anything, will you promise to wait until we've talked things over together?

  I know it is a burden to be the one who can bear children, but it is also a gift neither of us can have. We are totally dependent on you, and I beg you to believe that I would do more than my share of the duties involved.'

  Melissa roughed his hair and replied: 'I will not do anything rash, I promise. I should have shared this with both of you much sooner, and more often.

  Besides, I can put it out of my mind most of the time, I guess I was just tired to lose myself so badly. I can usually control myself, you know that.

  Now can we lie on our bed and cuddle and talk about pregnancies and babies? I realize now I am afraid of the unknown mostly, and you have raised a child, Lukas, you know what is true and what is just childish fear.'

  'Your fear was anything but childish, beloved,' said Paul, and in his eyes Melissa saw the caring, bossy lover she had missed so much. With a little cry she wrapped him in her arms and whispered: 'Oh my love, I missed you so much. I was afraid I'd never see the real you again.'

  With her face still in his neck, she heard him say: 'I'm sorry I thought only of myself, Melissa. I wanted to prove to myself that I could conquer my fear, never realizing you were suffering too.

  And I have not taken your fears about getting pregnant seriously. It seemed so unreal to me, as if it could not happen any day. We should have talked to Lukas straight away, even though it might be painful to him.'

  'Why would it be painful to me to talk of babies?' Lukas wanted to know,

  'I love children.'

  Paul explained: 'I thought it might be painful because you cannot have any of your own on our world.'

  For a moment, Lukas was his true age again, as he observed: 'I have

  already raised one of my own children, Paul, and who knows how many of my blood live in this area. I'd like to raise one of my own once again, but I'd love any child of yours as much as my own. It is much more painful to me, Melissa, that you have been in such distress about this without telling me.

  Why would you think you'd get a little satyr baby from me?'

  For the first time ever, Melissa thought that if it would not be doomed to lead a life of misery and rejection, she might want to have a baby that looked like Lukas, with horn stubs and tiny little hoofs. 'I was dancing with Ophius, and Paul with a girl Ophius said was his daughter. She was totally human, and he told me the children of a mixed couple were either the one or the other, mixed features like Katarina's mottles were rare.

  Then he asked how a satyr baby would be welcomed in our world, and I said it was impossible, you were another species in our world. He said, but what if I conceived on this world? And when that distressed me a lot, he told me to discuss it with Aphrodite, said she could help. So I did. I must go and apologise to her, I let myself go totally, I must have been very tired to cry like that.'

  The mature Lukas was still looking at her from that cute, delicious face, and she said: 'You must have been an absolutely adorable baby. Chubby, and with tiny hands, and little horn stubs and tiny hoofs.' She just had to touch his soft, mottled skin.

  His eyes closed as he felt her loving touch, and when they opened again, he said: 'Let's go lie on the bed, I want to feel both of you as I answer all your questions about babies. If you pictured me as a baby, all is not lost. And though I don't know what I looked like as a baby, I've held plenty of satyr babies today and I assure you, they are adorable.

  With Paul back as our fearless leader and invested with limitless power, I beseech you to join me tomorrow and hold some yourselves.'

  They took off their clothes before they laid on the bed, and fondled and caressed to their hearts' content, in total silence. Of course the guys showed excitement, Melissa felt her share of it, but they did not indulge in making love. They had more important matters to discuss.

  Still entangled, stroking the others quietly now, they settled down for a long talk. Lukas asked: 'What exactly is it that you fear so much, beloved?'

  Melissa started out: 'I fear getting fat, unattractive, stupid and emotional from being pregnant.'

  Brutally honest, Lukas answered: 'You would gain weight, certainly, but you are used to eating moderately.

  And you could never be unattractive, up until five months pregnancy you don't even notice. I loved seeing Ophelie when she was pregnant, I would be so delighted to be allowed to touch you if you were with child.

  As for getting stupid and emotional, usually that happens to women who are emotional to begin with, and you strike me as particularly rational, and much too smart to ever become stupid. Though we'd still love you anyway.'

  Melissa nodded, and went on: 'I fear the pain of birth, and of dying of fever afterwards.'

  This made Lukas smile, and he replied: 'I may still be able to just will pain away, like with the satyr with the mangled hoof, remember? But I think I can assure you I can prevent you from dying of fever, and you believe I can, don't you? Ophelie suffered some pain during the birth, but she quickly forgot when she held her baby in her arms.'

  'I'm afraid I will not love a baby, that I will resent it for crying, that I will be left alone with a child when you go off to work. I'm afraid that no-one will hire me again to check materials, or inspect a site, once I have a child.

  Usually, women are fired from their jobs when they conceive.'

  Lukas bowed his head, and said: 'This is where you will have to believe me, that nature takes care of its own, you will love your child.

  And we would love your baby so much, we both work from home, so we would mind it when you go outside, people wouldn't even know you are a mother, they'd see the same excellent inspector they know and rely on.'

  'Are you a little less afraid now, love?' Paul asked Melissa, and she replied: 'I am, I'm glad you told us, Lukas.'

  Lukas' obvious yearning even for a baby did hearten her a lot, she was sure he would do his share to keep her free to do some kind of a job, and love it. But he was thinking of staying here. And if she asked him not to right now, it would be as if she only wanted him as a nanny, which was just not true.

  But she had to acknowledge his longing: 'I can easily see how much you yearn for a child, Lukas, and frankly, your plea and your information have made it easier for me to accept that it may happen. I really hope you decide to come home with us, not only would it stop my heart from breaking for and over you, but I'd also feel much less afraid of getting pregnant with you around.

  I'll come with you and look at those satyr babies
with you, if Paul will come too.'

  They shared one really big hug, and then Melissa wanted to know what Lukas had been discussing with his stepmother.

  Strangely, Lukas turned pale and swallowed hard. They had been talking of something that hurt Lukas, he showed his emotions clearly. As he was trying visibly to control his emotions, Melissa asked him why: 'Lukas, you can just tell us if something pains you.'

  With great effort, he managed to say in a choked voice: 'I've already troubled you once today with my feelings, you've had enough to process for one twenty year old girl.'

  Which was true, but she was not alone with him. A strong, calm baritone voice said: 'Very true, Lukas, but I haven't. You've taken a load off my back, now I'll take yours. Come to me.'

  That cute, cute face, it was hidden in Paul's chest in a second, and for once, Paul didn't keep his silence, but spoke up: 'Tell us about it, Lukas.'

  When he looked up at Paul, Lukas didn't even cry, but Paul licked the dent in his lip anyway, and kissed him on top of that.

  Lukas leaned into the kiss, deriving great comfort from Paul's inner calm and his intense love. 'I've missed you too, big man, and I didn't even realize it,' he remarked, a lot more composed. He didn't want to upset Melissa again.

  So he spoke his mind straight away: 'My father wants Ophelie to start sharing love, he thinks it is better for her, and better for their relationship if she is less dependent on him. I told her I think he is right. She accepted too much of him, and it made her very unhappy. She wants everyone else to share, and truly believes it is healthy, I think it would benefit her greatly.

  Then she told me she had already decided to do what he advised, she saw the sense in it. And she wanted me to be the first person she shared with. For old times' sake. I could only just keep from crying my eyes out. It wanted her so much for thirty years, I was so incredibly lonely.

  Didn't she realize at all what she had done to me all those years? I told her I needed to think about it, but I couldn't tell her why, I would have broken if I had. So much pain, I didn't know what to do. Then you called me.