Past Lives

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  After dinner, she would borrow Marcus' bicycle, and pay John a visit. She would bring her personal effects, and if John rejected her, she would pretend to go back to the manor, but she would in fact go straight back to her own world.

  She knew the teleport spell for Dionysus' former place, and she knew she would be welcome there, the current steward Petros was a very good friend.

  She didn't love him, but she could help him and would have a home with him until she knew what she really wanted to do with her life.

  Part of her realized that she didn't expect John to want her, she was in fact expecting to be back in Greece that night. Half a year searching for the man she loved, and it had come to this.

  It wasn't his fault, nor hers, he had just changed so much, and to be honest, she had, too. She had felt at a disadvantage here from the start, surrounded by gods and the mortals they seemed to adore. It was her own world upside down, and she had sought refuge in deferring to her master.

  But he had adapted totally, and didn't seem to remember the time when he wanted obeisance. His rejection had hurt her, and made her even more insecure.

  Living at the manor had taught her much in what they called a month, and she now knew how men liked to be treated in this world.

  Well, she was going to give John a piece of her mind, and then ask him to be honest with her, and they would both have to live with the consequences.

  There was no way Hailee could eat, and of course Frances noticed. She sat next to the girl and put an arm around her. Hailee was going to miss Frances a lot.

  'You haven't eaten a thing, Hailee, aren't you feeling well?'

  It was just impossible to lie to Frances, that would be a crime, and Hailee found herself telling part of the truth: 'I don't feel well, Frances, I still love John so much, and he doesn't seem to care for me at all. I need to know, for I'm settling in, but if he rejects my love, I want to go back to my home-world.

  I can't live like this anymore, I'm so unhappy.'

  'And with Rhoda finally in good hands you decided it must be tonight.'

  See, Frances understood. Hailee nodded sadly.

  'Will you take the carriage? I know you can defend yourself, but I'd feel more comfortable knowing you're safe.'

  Hailee could not resist so much friendly concern, and her tears came rushing out. That was the last thing she needed, puffy red weeping eyes, and tear-streaked cheeks.

  'Don't worry, love, John doesn't love you for your beauty alone, he loves your independent spirit, and I for one am sure you still have it. Never mind your tears, just tell him what hurts you and have it over with.'

  Frances gave her a big, loving hug, and ordered the carriage for her.

  Feeling bad for misleading her, Hailee packed the few things she was really attached to in one bag, then waited outside. It didn't take long for the driver to have the carriage readied, and she got in and arrived at the corner of the right street within minutes.

  The driver turned the horses and went back, and Hailee walked towards the house.

  To her horror, no-one answered the door, and for a moment she felt totally lost in this oversized street with huge brick buildings and just a few large trees placed in neat rows along the pavement. She could only barely check her tears, all her resolutions evaporated, and she became a small girl, lost in an alien world.

  Sitting down on the doorstep, finally beaten, and unable to resist her desperation any longer, she cried. A window opened in the house next door, and a woman's head came out, saying: 'If you're looking for the neighbours,

  they're in the garden, they cannot hear the knocker from there. Just knock on the garden gate.'

  Hailee considered leaving, she was just not up to facing John's friends, they were so.... so happy, she guessed. For they were nice enough, Lykos sure was nice, no, they were all nice, but they were so close, and she always felt so lonely around them.

  They had each other, the love between them was tangible, and John was included in it, where she was not. She just couldn't do it, walk in crying, her face a mess, John would be embarrassed again, with her making a scene. If he rejected her, she wanted to keep a semblance of dignity.

  She thought of how she would get back to the manor, she was not scared, Frances was right, she could fight off any attacker with magic.

  And she knew the way, it was not difficult, she had cycled it her second day in.

  A hand touched her shoulder, and she was so deep in thought that she nearly jumped in fright. 'Easy, easy now,' said a familiar voice, 'come here, love.'

  John's English still sounded a bit different from the people around her, she had asked him once why that was, and he had answered that he had learned it on the streets of London, where the people spoke differently from the higher class that Marcus and his family belonged to.

  Hearing his voice caused her heart to skip a beat, and her love for him flared up, as it always did when she saw him.

  But how had he known she was out here?

  As he took her hand gently, and gathered her in his arms, he said: 'The neighbour told us there was a beautiful girl sitting on the doorstep, crying her eyes out. The others sent me to check it out, suspecting it was you. It hurts to see you cry, love.'

  She just couldn't speak, she was memorising everything, the sound of his voice, with that queer accent she was just starting to appreciate, the feel of him, so tiny compared to what he had been, but nonetheless firm and strong, his scent, reminiscent of their glorious times, but admittedly better, less stale.

  She just held on to him and let her tears flow freely, it didn't matter anymore anyway, he liked his women spirited, but hers was quenched, she had searched for him for so long, but it had all been in vain. She'd leave tonight, lonely, but she'd been lonely for more than six months now, she was used to it.

  Meanwhile, John was feeling just awful. Having her in his arms, totally lost in her grief and he suspected, loneliness, he realized what he had done to his sweet girl. She had searched for him for months, left everything behind, and he had just dismissed her, because he hadn't liked the way she greeted him.

  She loved him, with her whole being, and he had spurned her love, ignored his own feelings because she didn't live up to the ideal he had dreamed up of her in the London winter, wasn't the angel who had kept him going through cold, hunger and pain. And humiliation.

  And to thank her for coming to find him, he had humiliated her, he had not even given her a chance to talk to him in private.

  As he held her in his arms, still crying, his eyes fell on the bag on the doorstep. If he wasn't mistaken, that was everything she owned. She was crying because she was leaving! He had chased away the woman he loved, and he would never see her again, for he knew by now that he would never return home, could never return to Greece.

  He felt his chest contract, and his throat burn, and before he knew it his newly found Victorian self-control shattered and he clung to her and cried as desolately as she.

  Hailee was lost in time, trying to make the most of the few moments she had left with the love of her life, when she felt John's hold on her tighten to almost painful, and she felt him shock a little, as if he were crying too, passionately.

  Surprised, she looked up at him and saw him as lost in grief as she had been moments before. But why?

  She tried to catch his attention, but he was truly far away, so she kissed him once, on the only spot she could reach, his cheek.

  That did get his attention, but to John it felt like a farewell kiss, and at that very moment he finally understood his own heart. He didn't want her to leave, he loved her, needed her, he had always just assumed everything would be all right between them in the end.

  Everyone had told him they just needed time to adapt, that they would reach an understanding when the time was right, and he had believed it. But he had not taken into account that she had nothing to keep her here without him, Rhoda had found her other half here, that much was clear, and Hailee was left all by herself, wh
ilst John had amused himself with Frances, and Lukas.

  And now she was going to leave him here, all alone.

  'Do you have a key, John?' she asked him.

  He fished his key out of his pocket, but suddenly he realized the portal was inside, if he let her in she would go.

  With a choked voice, he asked: 'Why do you want the key, Hailee?'

  'Come on, John, don't you have any dignity? All the neighbours are probably enjoying the show hugely. You want to walk the street a celebrity tomorrow?'

  She was a good actress, as she imitated a gossipy neighbour: 'Look, there's that tiny foreigner who wept louder even than the tiny foreign girl.'

  She took his hand and walked towards the door, saying: 'I don't mind, but you have to live here, let's take it inside.'

  So she was going to leave. Maybe if he begged her she would stay? But she was right, not here, inside.

  She took the key from him and opened the door, then went in, still holding his hand, and he followed her inside meekly.

  'To your apartment?' she asked.

  Yes, yes, that was actually further away from the portal, he could beg her in his own apartment just as well as here. He nodded in assent, but she was already moving, still holding his hand, pulling him along, actually.

  She dumped her bag in front of Paul's door, see, she was going to leave, as soon as she had given him a piece of her mind.

  Then she moved on, up the stairs to the apartment, and straight in. As soon as they were inside, he closed the door with his foot, and fell at her feet, clutching her legs.

  She had actually never seen John's apartment yet, and she looked around curiously, her fear of rejection overcome by a kind of desperate courage.

  He closed the door behind them with his foot, and just as she wanted to propose they sit down for a little talk, she felt something clutch her legs, and she looked down. John was at her feet, at her feet!, and begged her in an urgent whisper, his voice broken by emotion: 'Please forgive me Hailee, please don't leave! I never meant to hurt you so much, I thought it would all work out in the end, I thought we both needed some time!'

  That was not the way she wanted to see any person, let alone the man she loved more than anything. He might no longer be a god, he might be just John now, but John had more dignity than Dionysus had ever had, he didn't

  beg anyone for anything. This was demeaning.

  And as she kneeled beside him to lift him from his knees, to get him to stand up and face her with dignity, she realized that this was what he had felt when she prostrated herself for him in the cellar of this very house.

  It was very embarrassing to have that done to oneself, and she urged her beloved: 'Don't do that please, John, that is humiliating. Don't lower yourself for anyone, and certainly not for me. Get up, please, get up and hold me, you're upsetting me.'

  'But I'll die if you leave me,' he protested, back in her arms by now.

  'I can handle pathos,' she said, laughing through tears, 'you always had more than your share of it. But please do not beg me for anything, and certainly not before you've asked.'

  She wanted to kiss him, so badly, but she needed to know. He had begged her not to leave, but he had not actually said he loved her and wanted to be together with her. Maybe he just wanted her around, to have someone to talk to.

  'Why do you want me to stay, John?' It was not very eloquent, but Hailee had reached a point where words just failed her, she needed to know where her future lay.

  She sat down to hear the truth, and he asked her, in a husky voice: 'May I kneel before you?'

  Kneeling was not demeaning, not always, so she nodded her consent and said: 'You may kneel, but be dignified.'

  He kneeled before her, and laid his head in her lap for a second. His arms were clutching her tightly, as if he was afraid she'd take a sprint for the door.

  Then he looked up at her and said: 'I want you to stay, Hailee, because I love you, and if you left me, it'd kill me. Will you please stay with me, and be married to me, and raise plants and children with me?'

  She looked at him and saw true love in his eyes, and agony in his bearing.

  'Beloved, I never wanted anything else than be yours. I love you so much, and I will stay with you, and I will marry you and raise anything you want together. Children would be nice, but plants are fine, too.'

  He laid his head in her lap once again, tears falling from his eyes without the slightest hint of pathos, and he didn't say anything, he didn't need to for she could see he was happy with her answer, happier than she had ever seen him.

  He said: 'I do need you to know, Hailee, that I can never return to our

  home-world. I've known fear and humiliation here, but I have also found true safety in this world, and I never want to live without it anymore, I don't want to be constantly looking over my shoulder again.

  It would kill me to lose you, and I could never raise children, knowing Hera would be trying to hurt all of you forever and always. I'd rather be cold sometimes, and work for a living, knowing you are safe.'

  That had her in tears again, and she quickly kissed him, before either of them would say something else that would make the other cry again.

  They didn't speak for some time, Hailee moved to sit on the floor beside John, and they just clung to each other, needing nothing besides being close.

  His arms around her, his head on her shoulder and his breath in her neck, his scent enveloping her.

  After some time they quieted down a lot, and Hailee started to feel the hardness of the floor-boards, so she moved to the bed, taking John with her.

  They sat, still silent, still doing nothing but being together, until John whispered: 'I'm so very sorry, Hailee, for neglecting you all this time. I was very embarrassed when you deferred to me, I was humbled by my experiences, and I just couldn't handle worship.

  It felt as if your love had never been real, had always been just the love a subject felt for her god. And I wasn't a god anymore, so I couldn't cope with that love anymore.

  I should have talked to you about it, instead I waited for you to discover the real you, and the real me, certain everything would be all right after some time. But I never put myself in your place, all alone in an alien world, rejected by the man you loved.

  And when I saw your belongings I knew you were going to leave me, taking away my chance to ever get together with you. I panicked.'

  She stroked his dear face, as familiar to her already as his former pudgy one, and gave him little kisses on his eyes, and his soft cheeks, and his beloved mouth, saying: 'I was very unhappy, for I knew I had done something wrong but I didn't know what, I just did what I always did to please you.

  But I was quite unreasonable, too, I wanted you to be back as you had been, big, smelly, obnoxious. And not for your own happiness, but for mine, to make me feel comfortable, I didn't want you to be small in so many ways.

  In our time apart I have come to love you all over again, as you are now, even better to be honest. You certainly smell a lot better, and I can't wait to find out how much better you'll taste.

  I've missed you so much, John, I love you so much, will you make love to me now? I never wanted anyone but you, but I'll share you with Frances, and Lykos. Oh, I guess I better start calling him Lukas if I'm going to stay.'

  John kissed her, with passion now, and said: 'Well, we may live in London, but we don't need to turn into Victorians straight away. Let's just see how things work out.'

  It had been such a long time since they had made love, and they had both changed so much, Hailee getting much more independent, and John fallen from godhood to utter misery, that their first time together was really like that, getting to know the other all over again.

  Hailee relished this new man, his body was reduced, but his feeling had grown immensely, and his skills were as sharp as ever. He lavished attention on her, not to indulge himself in being a really great lover, but because he loved her, and wanted to make her feel good.

&
nbsp; He had been nice to her before, had always given her the feeling of being special, but now she realized it had been the kindness of a master towards his underling, there had always been condescension in his loving, the feeling of bestowing an honour on her, and in her, the delight in having her master releasing his every whim on her body, a slavish devotion to her god, but also a true pleasure in making him happy.

  Now, they were equals, John a small man desperately in love with a beautiful woman, and eager to please her and make her feel special and loved. She, an independent woman, the man she had loved in subordination now hers in truth.

  Much was as she remembered it, his familiar scent, though decidedly less rank and therefore even better, but still a clear reminder of the past. And his gentle devotion to her pleasure, for gentle he had always been, or she wouldn't have come to love him so much. For though he had clearly been her master, and very self-confident, arrogant and even obnoxious, he had always shown her his true sweet nature, and given her a clear insight in his own sensitive character, well-hidden from his other worshippers.

  This side of his nature was now dominant, and it didn't make him weak, it made him irresistible She wanted to show him how much she loved his true person, not just his mind, his new body as well, that she didn't want the old Dionysus back anymore, that she had come to love John even more.

  Their loving was filled with memories, and hopes for the future, and as they finally got to touch each other again with the intimacy they had longed

  for so much, it was not just sex they were having.

  It was a profound experience, and they both found themselves overflowing with pure emotion, feeling tears of intense joy on their cheeks as well as decided lust in their bodies.

  John relished Hailee's familiar curves, her smooth belly, her breasts that still fit exactly in his hands, her lovely skin with its feminine scent, her glossy black hair, and her beautiful, loving face, the face that had kept him going through his half year of Hell.

  He stroked her with love, and kissed her, and was incredibly glad just to hold her again.

  And Hailee was intensely happy to nuzzle his slightly loose, very soft skin, now starting to gain some colour from working outside in the strengthening sun. She smelled it, and licked it, and even bit him a little at some point, he was so incredibly appealing now he was clean.