Carnival of Cryptids (Anthology to Raise Funds for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children) (Kindle All-Stars Book 2)
Page 14
Bruce
But she's off her meds. It would be fun just to get a few digs in.
Andreas
Bruce, you're impossible.
Belinda (VO)
I get the coconut milk and the chicken broth and I add some Thai basil and some galangal paste. My idea is to put the dressing in a bed of arugula and iceberg lettuce to form a bowl for a splash of Thai death worm soup.
Chandresh (VO)
A typical Indian snack food is pakoras which are deep fried and will make a good first course. All these unexpected ingredients will help to flavor the interior of a pakora. I put the death worm flesh into a pan with oil and mircha – black pepper – and cumin seed so that it can cook through and then I must start on my pakora batter.
David (VO)
I’m frying the death worm with some shredded potato to make a croquette, Los Angeles style. I mix in a little bleu cheese dressing as a thickener instead of egg. This flavor is going to be strong so I need a little side salad for balance, but arugula is really bitter and needs to be hidden a little, so I get the spinach, the tomato, and the pomegranate seeds.
Chandresh
I am mixing the pakora batter when I see that there is something unusual in the frying pan. The worm meat is falling apart, but there are more worms that are crawling in the hot oil before they have become crisp. I am thinking, what the hell? This big worm is full of smaller ones?
Andreas
Yes, Mongolian Death Worms are parthenogenetic! That means that they reproduce by creating smaller worms, genetic duplicates, inside their own bodies. These baby worms do have a sweeter flesh, but their tough outer coating is indigestible. Young warriors in the Golden Horde were required to swallow them whole as a rite of passage with a lot of pain to follow as they exited intact through the anus.
Belinda (VO)
I noticed the baby worms when I was chopping up the flesh to add to my broth. They were red and had tough skins that maybe I would have trouble cooking. I thought, do I really have time to peel these? But I hope they will come off during cooking and I can strain them out.
David (VO)
Damn, man, the baby worms are dope! My kids would love to play with those!
Chandresh (VO)
So then I am rolling out the dough for my pakoras which are an excellent finger food, and I must get my fryer hot enough. It is not so hot still and I am saying, “Uh oh.”
David (VO)
My side salad is already plated when I see that some of these baby worms are actually eating the croquettes that they came out of. And I’m, like, daaaamn. So I take my tongs and I start pulling them off my croquette and throwing them into the vat of used cooking fat just to get rid of them. But I’m like, I better be careful or they’ll start eating me. And then I’m thinking, I hope they didn’t poop in my food that I’m cooking, know what I’m saying?
Belinda (VO)
The skins are not coming loose from the baby worms, and in fact they are swimming now in my broth. And I look over and I see David with his tongs and I realize I have to do that, too.
Chandresh (VO)
Once I get the worm flesh from my frying pan, I have to cut it into pieces. But first I taste one of the small worms and the red hide on the worm is very tough. And so I am now going to cut these worms in half and remove some of the innards with a spoon. My time is running out when I still must chop the arugula.
David (VO)
So I’m checking my croquettes for worm poop as I’m plating the two plates, and then there’s this terrible pain on my foot. And I check and one of those death worm babies is digging into me! It’s already through my shoe and it has its head inside the top of my foot!
Belinda (VO)
I saw David was in trouble, so I lowered the heat on my broth and I went to help him. Then I saw it was bad because the worms were crawling out of the vat and getting all over the floor! I’m like, “Help! Why are these things even still alive already?”
Bruce
Okay, here's our floor manager, Roderick Tasty, to assist with cleanup so that our chefs can return to plating.
Andreas
Bruce, I challenge you to swallow one of those indigestible baby worms right now.
Bruce
No thanks. I like to keep my anus in the best of condition.
Belinda (VO)
So I have my bed of greens set up with the bleu cheese dressing, and I’m ladling the soup and I have to hope that the flavors are good enough, ‘cause there’s no time to fix it.
Chandresh (VO)
I throw my pakoras into the hot fryer and I know that I have rushed. I can only hope that I have not made some error under time pressure. And then I will chop some onion and some greens to garnish.
David (VO)
I am in serious pain from my foot and it’s going to need looking at after plating. So in the end I don’t get the plating just how I like it. There’s just two croquettes on each plate and not the variety of colors and textures I was planning.
Bruce
Now let’s bring plate #1 to the Official Taster. David, please describe your dish.
David (on set)
This is a potato, death worm, and bleu cheese croquette with a salad with arugula, lettuce, tomato, and pom seeds.
Bruce
Here is our Official Taster today, Frankie O.G. He's dressed in all black with a lime green cravat. He steps up next to the plate. He’s raising his fork. He’s sampling the salad. He nods, it’s satisfactory. Now he is cutting into the croquette with the fork – he’s starting to chew a bit – he’s nodding. It’s not poisonous. Serve plate #1 to Big Poppa Judge.
Judge
It’s a very basic salad. A little on the sweet side. It needs the crunch from the croquette. The bleu cheese flavor is a little overpowering, and the death worm, which can be a little stringy with an acrid flavor, does not fully come through. Next.
Bruce
Now we’re bringing plate #2 to the Official Taster. Belinda, please describe your dish.
Belinda (on set)
This is a Thai coconut, chicken essence, galangal, bleu cheese broth with dissolved flesh of death worm served in an edible bowl made of arugula and iceberg lettuce.
Bruce
The Official Taster is holding up his spoon. That’s a lovely cravat, Frankie! He’s nodding to me. Okay, he’s inserting the spoon. He’s sampling the broth. He sticks out his tongue. He doesn’t like it.
Taster
Bleu cheese and galangal is a meh combination.
Bruce
He’s nodding. It’s not poisonous. The plate is going before Big Poppa Judge.
Judge
First I taste the pungency of the bleu cheese dressing, followed by the kick of the Thai spices. This is a little too sweet. I can’t taste the death worm flesh at all.
Belinda (on set)
Ugh, why would you want to? It’s totally nasty.
Judge
Are you saying you cannot transform my ingredient and must resort to … disguising it?
Belinda (later interview)
Am I supposed to argue with this guy? He’s a judge. But I decided I should stand by my meal, so I threw it back at him.
Belinda (on set)
I think it takes a lot of culinary skill to make an ingredient appealing when it starts off so unappealing. Come on, Big Poppa. Admit it!
Judge
That's MISTER Big Poppa to you. Yes, I do see your point, Belinda. Next!
Bruce
We'll bring plate #3 to the official taster. Chandresh.
Chandresh (on set)
Here are pakoras which are a Mumbai street food, transformed using my very special elite culinary technique to constitute a world-class appetizer. All of the ingredients are used as the pakora filling.
Bruce
Frankie O.G., the Official Taster, is lifting the first pakora now. He's taking a bite. Whoah!
Andreas
He's bitten. He …
Bruce
Whoah! Whoah! Can we get some assistance? Can we …?
Andreas
One of the baby Mongolian Death Worms has latched onto the inside of Frankie's cheek.
Taster
Aaah! Aargh! Aaah!
Bruce
Oh, thank God! Floor manager Roderick Tasty has some cooking shears, and he's going to…
Roderick
No, stop thrashing around, Frankie, you'll…
Bruce
Oooh!
Andreas
Oh, nasty! Those cooking shears will cut through your lip just like that!
Bruce
I hope that's just worm blood on that sexy cravat of Frankie's!
Andreas
A little baking soda will take it right out!
Judge
Chandresh, for serving a living creature to my Taster, you are officially …
(DRUM ROLL)
Judge
Peeled away by the paring knife!
Chandresh
Arre, bhenchod!
Bruce
Here they come now! It's the Paring Knife Kids! Six youths ages 9-12 dressed in black bodysuits and devil masks, holding small blades. They'll stab Chandresh if they can! Oh! He's running!
Andreas
Serves him right, hurting the Taster like that.
Bruce
Well, it was Roderick though who widened his smile on the right side. Okay, here comes our backup taster. And, well, what do you know? Just like I'd hoped, it's my little sister Janey Jane. How you doing, baby cakes? Still hung over?
Taster
Shut the hell up, Bruce.
Bruce
I know you have a lot in your mouth … I mean, on your mind.
Judge
Let's get underway, please.
Bruce
Absolutely! Belinda, David, to your stations! Okay. For your main courses, you must use the four ingredients in the U.I.B.'s on the giant cutting board in front of you. And in U.I.B. #1 − lemon pepper pasta! And in U.I.B. #2 -- razor clams! And in U.I.B. #3 − stoplight peppers! And in U.I.B. number four − skunk ape chops!
David (later interview)
Skunk ape. Seriously? They want me to cook a monkey?
Belinda (later interview)
I'm excited about the razor clams, at least.
David (VO)
I cut open the package of skunk ape chops and they just stink. Seriously, they smell like a vagrant crapped on them.
Belinda (VO)
Eew! Who would want to eat this?
Andreas
More pungent than limburger cheese or jackfruit, skunk ape flesh is edible but unpalatable unless its unpleasant scent can be removed.
David (VO)
I should make the pasta at the end so it's not overcooked. My mind is racing for ideas about that smell. Meanwhile, I clean the razor clams. I'll sauté them with the peppers and season with salt, pepper, and allspice. I figure a bed of clams and peppers on top of a bed of pasta with chops on top of both.
Belinda (VO)
I'm going to put a quick sear on the skunk ape meat and then chop it up to create a hash. If I cook it with some potatoes and a lot of garlic and onions, maybe I can get rid of the stink.
David (VO)
So I've got the clams and peppers going, and then I get an idea and run back to the fridge for some whole milk. I'm going to boil the skunk ape meat in milk and see if that de-smells it.
Andreas
I think David has the right idea here, using a technique to remove the scent at the start of the cooking process. Belinda is adding a lot of flavors, but the odor is going to persist. We're joined at the mike stand by our new Official Taster.
(The new Official Taster is a blond woman in black slacks, white shirt, and loose black bowtie.)
Bruce
How you doing, Janey?
Taster
If it smells bad, I'm not biting into it.
Bruce
I think that's what your boyfriend said.
Taster
Oh, ha ha. Wise guy.
Andreas
Now, Brucie, don't be catty!
Belinda (VO)
So I'm working on the ape meat and I go to the sink with the razor clams, and as I'm cleaning them I find that they also smell like skunk ape smell. But why? Razor clams have a little salty aroma is all. And I lift a clam to my nose and I still smell that skunk ape reek. And then I realize, it's on my hands. And the smell went from my hands to the clams. It's so annoying.
David (VO)
I'm checking out the pasta, and it has a strong lemony scent, and that doesn't go well with milk. So I have to be careful not to use any kind of cream-based sauce. So I go look in the pantry for some tomato paste, but I find spinach and mixed nuts and I'm like -- okay, I'm'a make pesto.
Belinda (VO)
I get back from cleaning the clams just when those ape chops are starting to smoke. One minute more and they'd be burned. And even the smoke smells really bad. Like, I wanted to throw up.
Bruce
Looks like Belinda almost burned her skunk ape meat! That smells like a barnyard, girl!
Judge
That ingredient had better be transformed.
David (VO)
I take out the skunk ape chops from the boiling milk and I got rid of most of the smell. So I put them into the fry pan and I’m going for the cutting board. I know that I have excellent knife technique.
Bruce
Now both competitors are working on their cutting boards. Belinda is working with the meat and peppers and some Bolivian purple potatoes for color, making a hash, and David appears to be making a pesto.
Belinda (VO)
I realize that even my chef's knife is beginning to get that skunky odor. No fair, it's, like, imported from France.
David (VO)
My pesto is going to be really jazzy because of the mixed nuts. I put them in the coffee grinder after the knife work. I just want them all ground really fine. And I put them in the bowl with the olive oil and the chopped spinach.
Belinda (VO)
I put my hash into the frying pan and give it a toss. But it still smells bad. And then when I rub my hand across my face, then, like, these waves of stink start coming off my lip and my cheek.
Belinda (on set)
Can I take a shower after this?
Andreas
Like that would help.
Belinda (VO)
And then I remember what you do to get rid of a skunk smell, which my grammy taught me. You take a bath in tomato juice. And I'm like, yeah, that could work. And it will go okay in the hash. So I run to the pantry.
Bruce
Belinda is bringing some beefsteak tomatoes from the pantry and chopping them up for the food processor.
Andreas
Very smart, darling!
David (VO)
The chops look rare, so I take them out of the pan to rest, and I put the pasta into boiling water with a little salt, and some oil so it won't stick together.
Andreas
Adding oil to prevent pasta from sticking doesn't work, Bruce. The oil just floats on top of the water.
Bruce
That's a great tip!
Belinda (VO)
So I put some salt and pepper and some water and milk and I grind up the tomatoes in the food processor and start spooning it into the hash. I hope this will take out the smell.
David (VO)
My pasta's done and I plate it first with the pesto. Then I put the clams and peppers. And when I go to put a fork in the chop, this like seriously bad smell comes out. Yo, man, I thought I got rid of that aroma, man. So I put some more milk to boil and I start slicing up the meat.
Bruce
Time's up. Step away!
Andreas
That was a tough challenge for these two. By the way, I'm hearing from the back that the kids caught up to Chandresh and managed to sever a tendon near his knee.
Bruce
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Well, I guess he'll be off his feet for a while. Ha ha!
Andreas
Ha ha!
Bruce
Ha ha ha! Okay, now it's time to begin judgment. Belinda, bring your plate to the Official Skank … er, the Official Taster.
Belinda (to Taster)
He's tough on you.
Taster
Mind your business.
Belinda (on set)
This is a hash of clams, peppers, potatoes, and cubed skunk ape chops with a tomato pepper jus and a side of lemon pepper pasta. Enjoy.
Taster
Potatoes and pasta. Really? Really?
Belinda (on set)
Well, you need potatoes for hash. Or taro works, too.
Bruce
Our lovely young taster Jane objects. Jane, the delicate flower of the culinary nation, that gustatory Titaness of the contemporary underground food TV milieu, that …
Taster
Seriously, Bruce. Stuff it.
Bruce
She's lifting her fork and gently inserting it into the outer scattering of Belinda's hash, maneuvering the tines of the fork with great nicety and delicacy, with a refinement that …
Taster
Goddamn it, Bruce.
Bruce
I just want to pay homage to your sophisticated connoisseurship. I only meant to …
Andreas
Hey, watch out, don't!
(Official Taster overturns the plate of food on Bruce's head.)
Taster
Now you can smell like this crap!
Belinda (on set)
Hey. I worked hard on that!
Belinda (later interview)
I totally wasn't planning to get into a catfight with the Official Taster. But I was so not letting anyone insult my food.
(Disjointed clips of hair-pulling and slapping.)
Judge
Roderick! Get them off-camera!
Andreas
Cut to commercial!
(Fade out.)
(Fade in.)
Bruce (wiping a bloody nose with a cocktail napkin)
Okay, order has been restored. I want to offer deeply felt apologies for teasing the Official Taster. Now, she is sampling the plate of David's food. David, what did you prepare?
David
I've made a three-layer meal of pasta in a mixed nut pesto, razor clams sautéed with stoplight peppers, and on top is sliced skunk ape meat boiled in milk.
Taster
The pesto's good, but the pasta is overcooked. The clams are rubbery. The meat is overcooked, but you've managed to get out most of the smell. Okay, it's edible.