Sinner (Starlight Book 3)

by D. N. Hoxa

  “And of your dad. And of Audrey, probably. And of the potion and Samayan’s face is carved in your mind like a pretty picture that won’t go away,” he continued and then took me by my shoulders. What? “But that’s not mind reading. It’s obvious to everyone. You never think of just one thing, Star. You think of everything, all at once, and I’m surprised that your brain hasn’t gone into lockdown yet. But I can’t read your mind. Trust me.”

  Shit. Just a second ago, I was willing to bet my life that I had it right. Mind reading fit perfectly, and I couldn’t think of anything else. So I said fuck it. I thought I was going to have the patience to wait for Aaron to come tell me himself but no. It was about goddamn time I found out what he could do.

  “I think it’s time I use that question I won,” I said, smiling evilly, just a little. Aaron looked concerned, but only for a second. Then, he nodded and returned my grin. “What can you do? How can you tell if something’s going on or if someone is lying or not? And don’t you lie to me, Aaron. I’ll know.” Probably not as accurately as him, but I would know. I was the Raven once, wasn’t I?

  Aaron sighed and shook his head, but the grin never left his face. And there it was, the moment of truth.

  “Are you sure you really want to know?”

  “I do.” Oh, God, I wanted to know so badly.

  “In that case…” He took a step back as if to give me space. “I can feel people. I can feel people’s feelings.”

  Dizzy. The whole room and his face spun in my head.

  “Not possible,” I mumbled simply because it wasn’t. Feelings were the trickiest part of any being, almost impossible to properly identify or manipulate. That was why there had never been a true love potion. You just can’t mess with shit like that.

  “I’m a demon. I feel feelings. It’s what I do,” Aaron repeated, and for the second time, every word coming out of his mouth rang perfectly true to my ears. My breath caught in my throat.

  “You can feel what I’m feeling?” I asked with half a heart.

  He nodded. “Yes.”

  My whole body shook. Shit, shit, shit. This was bad. Really bad. Ground, swallow me, please!

  “You know when…when I… that I…” Fuck. I had no idea how to ask him if he knew how I felt about him. My God, I was so screwed! And Aaron just nodded. “How the hell is this possible?” I whispered because my voice was no longer working.

  “Mara, the demoness who gave birth to me, can possess people’s emotions. Somehow, when I was born, her ability mutated into mine. That’s how I’m able to feel emotions,” Aaron explained.

  “So you…you know how I…” Feel about you? But I couldn’t say the words. “You’ve…you’ve known all along?” I asked instead.

  “I have,” he simply said.

  Blank. My mind was truly blank for a whole second, but once his words began to repeat themselves to my ears, rage took over my body. I found myself hitting the hell out of his chest as fast as I could.

  “You bastard! That’s called invading privacy! How dare you?” I yelled at his face with all I had. He had been right—I really had been better off not knowing this.

  He was so surprised that it took him a second to take a step back to avoid my weak fists. “There’s nothing I can do about it, Star! No fucking thing. I can’t shut it down like you do. I’ve tried a million times before, trust me, but it just can’t be done,” he shouted right back.

  My blood boiled, so next, I kicked the hell out of him, but this time, he was ready. He blocked my foot with his and delivered a mother of a blow with his elbow in my gut. I couldn’t have hoped for a better reaction.

  And we started fighting.

  Nothing better to release the negative energy that was in me. My room was too small for both of us, but we managed. We jumped and kicked and hit each other as much as we could until my bed was a complete mess.

  I just couldn’t believe it! He could feel my feelings, meaning he knew exactly how I felt about him and about everyone else. I felt so embarrassed, I wanted to explode. He had known every time I had undressed him with my eyes. Every time my heart had cried when I had pushed him away. Every time I said something I didn’t want to say and I tortured myself for saying it. Every time I tried to act like I didn’t care. Every time I killed Audrey with my mind. Every time I lied and pretended.

  He had known everything and not once had he said a word.

  After a while, he had me pinned against the wall because I’d been too distracted, almost completely consumed by panic.

  “Stop,” he whispered in my ear. I sure as hell didn’t want to stop, but I also knew that we had no time. No time to argue, and no time to sit and cry either, which was something I very much wanted to do. I felt so defenseless now, so fucking embarrassed and pathetic. “And stop thinking that, too.”

  My face flushed. He fucking knew that I felt embarrassed and pathetic! “Stop reading my feelings, you douche!” I yelled, hitting him in the shoulder.

  “I can’t,” he said, and he actually sounded sorry. Sorry and too sincere for me to doubt it. “I swear to you, I can’t stop feeling you. The closer I am to a person, the stronger I feel their feelings, and I can feel you from very far away.” He raised his brows as if to tell me something, but I couldn’t decide to pick a thought to think about. I was a mess. “Star, listen to me. Stop freaking out. Just because I feel you, it doesn’t mean that I have to even mention it, or that I can have a say in it. I respect your privacy, even though I can’t stop feeling you.”

  “But you know! You’ve known all along how I feel about you. And you never said anything. You never warned me. I can’t…I…” I yelled hysterically, but I couldn’t even finish my sentence.

  “Like I said, just because I know, doesn’t mean I have to bring it up.”

  Without asking, Aaron took my face in his hands and made me look into his ocean-blue eyes that were filled with so many emotions that it felt like they were glowing.

  “But it’s true, Star. I’ve known how you feel about me for a long time now. And that just makes your rejection a bitch to deal with because I can’t understand it. Why do you keep pushing me away, Star? I don’t get it. Is it something I’ve done?”

  I shook my head. “No.” Now, I felt worse than before.

  “Tell me, is it because I ran away the first time we kissed?”

  Looking at him was not a good idea because his desperation showed clearly in every line of his face, and he wasn’t even trying to hide it from me. I took his face in my hands, too, as if that was going to somehow, magically take it all away from him.

  “No, Aaron…”

  “Because I didn’t run away from you, Star. I ran away from me, from my own feelings. Because wanting you, the Raven, was just too fucked up for me to handle. I couldn’t understand it, and it scared the hell out of me. That’s why I ran. But I would never run away from you, Star. Not then and not now.”

  “No, Aaron. This is exactly why I can’t…” I started to say but I didn’t know how to put it out there for him. “You were right to run away, Aaron. And you should do the same now, too. I am still the Raven. I still have done everything you hated me for. All of it, and probably more you don’t know, I’ve done it.”

  He let go of me and started to pace fast around my small room.

  “Yeah, that’s what I told myself, over and over again. But you forget that I can feel your feelings. And whoever the Raven was, she is not you. I know how you feel when you do things that you don’t want to, but you know you have to. I don’t understand why sometimes, but I know how you feel. And what you have here,” he stopped in front of me and put his hand on my chest, right above my heart, “has nothing to do with the cold assassin I wanted dead. I had a hard time convincing myself of that, but trust me, it’s the truth.” My mouth opened, but he shut me up by framing my face with his warm hands again.

  “You have to tell me what’s holding you back, Star. What’s holding you back from me? It’s killing me that I can’t to
uch you like this…” His thumb caressed my bottom lips, slowly. “It’s killing me…” he whispered and then leaned in to touch my cheek with his. He touched his lips to my ear and to my temple, to my forehead and then to my eyes without kissing me. He was driving me mad with desire. “Please, tell me, Star.”

  I’d never felt weaker in my life, and it had nothing to do with strength. It had to do with the fact that I realized how little anything at all mattered in the face of his pleading.

  “Your father,” I whispered because I could no longer keep that from him. My eyes squeezed shut. It felt like I had lifted the heaviest weight from my shoulders. I felt so good, unimaginably good to put it out there. It felt liberating to tell him the truth.

  Aaron stopped moving. A second after, he leaned back and looked into my eyes with confusion, but there was no surprise in his eyes. He had seen me right after I’d had the chat with Thomas, after all.

  “What?” he whispered.

  “He…asked me to stay away from you. He…” I started to say, and my voice broke three times, but I knew I had to let him hear it. I had to show him and maybe, hopefully, convince him to stay away from me, no matter how much that hurt. I brought only trouble. So I continued. “He asked me to stay away from you that day in his office and I promised him I would, even before I knew that he had given up his life for you. You have every right to think less of me now that you know. But please understand that I…I couldn’t…help myself…with you. It’s not something I’ve ever felt before. Not something I know how to handle or control.”

  I was mumbling. God, the words were so heavy on my tongue.

  “And he was right, Aaron. I only bring trouble. Wherever I go, that’s all I do. I bring trouble.”

  I couldn’t look up at his face. For a second there, I wished I had his ability and could feel his feelings. I wish I knew…

  But I didn’t know and I didn’t even find out. A second later, Aaron walked out the door without a word and left me alone in my misery.

  I had just experienced one of the best and worst days of my life, and it wasn’t even halfway over yet.

  16

  I finally gave the piece of paper with the information I’d copied from Illyon to Horatio. He was suspicious, to say the least, and he even asked me where I got it. When I wouldn’t tell him for the fourth time, he dropped it, but it was obvious that he didn’t really believe that that piece of paper held the formula and spell for Veritas. According to him, whatever potion I’d prescribed on the paper was too easy to make to be something so powerful. And, of course, the things like eye of the tiger and other ingredients weren’t really that. They were just nicknames for weird-looking liquids and stones and even dust, but I didn’t care enough to ask. All I cared about was that he delivered like he had promised. And Horatio promised again that he would deliver whatever I had written in less than twenty-four hours.

  I met with Jack, and he told me about everything he had arranged for the next day. We were going to need a lot of fairies, and Kyahen was going to be pissed. I wanted to take my group of five, including Mike, Naomi, Jonah and Carlos, as well as everyone else who simply had to be there.

  Still, pissed or not, I knew that Kyahen would never say no.

  I looked for Aaron everywhere I went. He was nowhere to be seen. When I asked Jack, he said he had no idea, and for the first time, he really looked like he had no clue what had happened. Even in the training room, when I told the guys about tomorrow—and Mike yelled finally, some real action—Aaron wasn’t there.

  And Audrey wasn’t, either.

  A rush of anger and sadness invaded my veins and made me want to sit on the hardwood floor and weep. Of course, I didn’t.

  “Bella, hey,” Arturo said from behind me.

  As if everything else wasn’t enough, guilt stabbed at me uncontrollably. I had been sneakily avoiding the guy because I didn’t know what to say or how to say it to him. I had used him when he had shown nothing but compassion and understanding toward me. I felt like shit.

  “Hello, Arturo,” I greeted him and tried to smile, but I think I failed because his eyes took on a darker shade when they looked at my face.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I sighed because I knew that I needed to talk to him. I needed to come clean, and I needed to man up and tell him the truth.

  “We need to talk,” I said before I chickened out and changed my mind.

  Without a word, Arturo followed me out of the training room. I needed air. Fresh air and the hallways of the base just didn’t have any, because otherwise, how was I going to handle Arturo? I really didn’t have to have horns to be a monster. I was doing just fine without them.

  “Let’s get some air, okay?” I said to Arturo, and he didn’t argue. We made our way to the iron doors to the two shifter guards who now stood at all the three main entrances of the Base and up to the square door on the roof.

  Ice-cold November air pierced my skin and nostrils. I inhaled deeply. Finally, some peace and a little fantasy of freedom. The skies were grey and the weather shitty, but it was much better than being stuck underground at all times. It had rained the night before. I had felt it from my room.

  The monster metal building in all its half-ruined glory stood there behind us. The trees, now all bare of leaves, looked appropriate for recording horror movies.

  “You’ve been avoiding me, bella,” Arturo said. I took another deep breath before I faced him.

  “I have. I’m sorry Arturo. I wasn’t fair to you,” I started. I had no idea how to say what needed to be said, but I had to give it a try or otherwise the guilt was going to make me drop dead on the ground. Metaphorically.

  “I…don’t know how to say this.” Damn. It was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. “There’s no easy way, but…I don’t…feel…for you that way. I didn’t, even when I let you kiss me and even when I kissed you back. I’m not…” Goddamn the stupid guilt that kept burning the air in my lungs.

  “I know,” Arturo said, surprising me. “I knew the first time, and I know it now. But I thought that maybe you could go back to liking me like you used to in Lyndor. Feelings have always had a way of making me blind.”

  He smiled sadly, looking at the ground. My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard.

  “I’m so sorry, Arturo. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I wanted to, but…” But Aaron.

  “But you love him,” Arturo finished my sentence, once again catching me by surprise. I gasped louder.

  “What?”

  “I know, bella. I do have eyes, you know…”

  My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t imagine people knowing how I felt about Aaron. I mean, he had known all along, but that was a different story. He had powers he couldn’t control. I had been so sure that I was doing a perfect job hiding my feelings from the world. Shit.

  If I thought about it for one more second, I knew I was going to lose it. So I focused on what was important and what needed to be done. I cleared my throat and looked at Arturo again. He kept smiling that sad smile.

  “Yes, but that doesn’t justify what I did with you. I used you and it wasn’t fair. I gave you hope when there was none to be given. I truly am sorry, Arturo.”

  It happened so rarely that I could be completely honest about how I felt that I tried to savor that moment. And I really felt bad about Arturo, but I was glad that I could at least say it.

  He reached out his hand and gently touched my face. “Don’t be. Frankly speaking, I liked you using me. I enjoyed it, even if you didn’t,” he said, grinning.

  I smiled because I knew he was trying to make me feel better.

  “I know that you can’t force feelings into happening, bella. We have no power over them.”

  He was right. There was no stopping it once a feeling had a mind of appearing and messing with you.

  Arturo took a step closer and put his arms around my shoulders. My body went stiff at first, but after a few seconds, I relaxed and rested my head on his
shoulder.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, and the world didn’t fall on my head.

  “You have changed so much, Star, but you will always be mia bella. You’ll always be in my heart,” Arturo said and kissed the top of my head.

  I smiled against his shirt.

  “And you’ll always be in mine, Arturo.” Even though I didn’t love him romantically, Arturo was always going to be there for the rest of my life, and I was glad for it. I was glad I’d found him at my apartment in Chicago for the first time since I did.

  “I have to go now. Will you be okay?”

  I was now.

  “Yes, of course I’m okay. Go,” I said with a smile, and he did, right after a quick kiss on my forehead.

  I watched him as he went back through the door, but before the door completely closed, it opened again, and Ella peeked her head outside.

  “Hey,” she said as she jumped out. She wore only a thin sweatshirt and sweatpants, but she looked too excited to be cold. She took the time to look around and as expected, her mouth fell open at the sight of the metal building in front of us.

  “What happened with your boyfriend?” she asked once she joined me.

  “He’s not my boyfriend, but we’re good.”

  God, it felt good to speak the truth as it was and not feel uncomfortable about it. I thought my sister was going to push me for details, but instead, she shocked me.

  “I’m seeing Kyle.”

  I gasped and my heart skipped a beat, thinking, I must not have heard her right.

  “Excuse me?” When I turned to her, she didn’t return the favor. She was perfectly happy staring at the naked trees ahead.

  “I’m seeing Kyle. It’s not official or exclusive or anything yet. We’re just…hanging.”

  My jaw practically touched the ground, and for a second I daydreamed of Kyle at the end of Bob’s blade, all torn and bloody. How dare he?

  “Don’t look at me like that!” Ella complained.

  “Don’t look at me like that?! Seriously? Kyle? How, when…how?” I panicked. I was terrified. Kyle wasn’t sister’s-boyfriend material. He was just…Kyle! God, I was going to murder him.