Finding Love

by Natalie Ann

  She didn’t have words for him right now. She could only show him actions. Show him that what he was doing was what she so desperately craved.

  “Take me to bed right now.”

  “What?” he asked. “You need to just relax, Sheldon. You’ve had an emotional twenty-four hours.”

  “I have. And I need a release. I need to feel. I need you to make me feel like me. That everything that has happened around me is just that, around me. Not a part of me. Not inside of me. What I want is you and for you to make me feel whole.”

  He lifted her up again. He was always lifting and carrying her. Making her feel like a cherished woman. Not a weak one. But one that had a strong man who was putting her first in his life.

  They ended up in her room, his mouth on hers, his body over hers, and all she wanted at the moment was to feel everything he did to her. That he would bring her comfort that no one else had been able to give her. That no one even offered to her when she needed it.

  He pulled her shirt over her head, then her bra. She wiggled out of her shorts and told him, “Undress. I don’t want tenderness right now. I want hot and wild and sexy and I want to feel alive.”

  His clothes were shed quickly, a condom tossed on the bed, but she picked it up and shoved him on his back. “No foreplay. I don’t need that right now.”

  Then she straddled his legs, scooted down and covered him. She didn’t give him a chance to say anything at all. No words needed to be spoken. His eyes said it all. He was putting himself in her hands.

  Lowering herself down, she felt herself stretch and accommodate him. Grabbing his hands, she put them on her body. “Do what you want. Be rough if you want. Just let me feel it.”

  He filled his hands, he cupped and he squeezed her and she started riding him like it was the only thing she was able to do. Like it was the only place on earth she wanted to be.

  Because it was. Right here. With him. Only him.

  It was fast, and it was hurried and it was exactly what she’d always thought make-up sex should be. But they had nothing to make up for. He’d done nothing wrong, but rather everything right.

  He dropped one hand from her breast, reached up and wrapped his hand in her hair, then yanked her down, bruising her mouth with his.

  All she felt was his urgency, feeding her own and making him move even faster. Move even harder, as she squeezed him tight and bounced up and down with a speed she didn’t know her body possessed.

  She was cresting and not bothering to wait and see if he’d follow. She didn’t need to worry, because he must have known, just like it seemed he always knew everything about her, and his hips moved up and met her thrust for thrust. Both of them yelling and tumbling down.

  She collapsed on his chest and had a brief thought that if everything else in her life was false, then maybe love could be real. And maybe Erik really was as perfect as she thought he was.

  Carry More Weight

  “Still no word from your mother?” Melissa asked her two weeks later.

  “I’m not taking her calls.”

  “I never expected you to be this way.”

  “What way is that?” Sheldon asked, turning to look at Melissa. They were carrying their paddleboards toward the water. Sheldon would have preferred to be alone this morning but realized it might do her good to have a bit of company. Now she was thinking she should have said no and not have to worry about fielding questions.

  “I’m a much colder person than you. I could hold out for months if someone did that to me. You normally would talk to the person, but just avoid the conversation they’d want to have. Find a way to turn it into teasing or tease them into turning the conversation away from what they’d want.”

  Melissa was right. Sheldon had never gone this long before without talking to her mother. If her mother had ever ticked her off, she just avoided having similar conversations. Always finding some way to hang up the phone, but never ignoring her mother completely.

  But this was different. This was major.

  This wasn’t like a small disagreement on the way Sheldon lived her life.

  “I don’t know what to say to her right now and it’s best if I don’t give us the chance to even talk.”

  “You don’t think that’s harsh?”

  “Since when do you take my mother’s side in anything?”

  “I’m not taking her side. I’m on your side. I always am.”

  Sheldon snorted and climbed onto her paddleboard, hoping to put some distance between the two of them. “Could have fooled me.”

  “You don’t have to like what your mother did. Hell, I’m pissed for you.”

  “I’m pissed at myself, okay?”

  “Why?” Melissa asked, moving closer to Sheldon.

  “Because I’ve let her influence my life too much. I let her feelings and opinions carry more weight than they should have. She’s done nothing but lie to me.”

  “She hasn’t influenced your life as much as you think.”

  “Care to explain that?”

  “For one—you’ve had a few relationships.”

  “Failed ones,” Sheldon argued. “Ones where I was completely taken advantage of. Thrown off. Misled. You name it. You know all about it.”

  “But you tried again.”

  “Not after the last one.”

  “Really? That’s a lie. How long have you been dating Erik?”

  “Two months,” she mumbled.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear that. Did you say two months?” Melissa asked, smirking.

  “You know I did,” Sheldon said, sticking her tongue out. No use wasting her energy getting angry at this point.

  “It’s not dating anymore and you know it, so stop trying to say it is. You’re in a relationship. Not only that, since this whole thing happened with your parents you’ve gotten closer to Erik. Just admit it.”

  “Do I have to?” Sheldon asked.

  “Come on. You’ll feel better if you do.”

  She already felt pretty good to begin with. Things with her and Erik were just about perfect right now. Almost like one of her novels.

  Funny how she never thought it could be real, but she was living it right now. As long as she didn’t wake up and find out it was a dream, because that would blow.

  “Fine. He’s a great guy. He gives me the space I need, but he knows enough when I want him around. We have fun together. We laugh and we relax and it’s just nice having someone other than you to keep me on my toes.”

  Melissa laughed. “Are you trying to make me jealous?”

  “Is it working?”

  “Just a little. I mean you’ve always shunned the whole ‘couple’ thing and yet here it fell into your lap so neatly. Imagine that.”

  “I’d hardly say getting an ulcer was falling into my lap neatly.”

  “You got that ulcer because of your father.”

  “Rich,” she corrected. “He isn’t my father. I don’t know who that is.”

  “Are you going to ask your mother again?”

  “Why bother? The guy doesn’t know about me.”

  “Don’t you at least want to know a name?”

  She did. But then knowing that name would make her want to look into the guy. Maybe contact him. See if he was really a good guy. If he would have been a good father.

  Then when she had thoughts like that, she realized it was selfish. This guy had his own life. No use uprooting his. It was best to not know. Best not to focus on what could have been rather than the here and now. “I’m not sure. Not right now at least. It won’t change anything.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, you’ve got some pretty cool storylines you could use.”

  “There is that,” Sheldon said, laughing.

  “When are you seeing Erik again?”

  “Tomorrow night. He’s working tonight and I told him I was running errands after I exercised this morning.”

  “Want to meet for lunch?” Melissa asked. “I’ve got a break after twelve
for about an hour. Then I’ve got a closing to go to.”

  “Sure. Text me when you’re ready. Now let’s change the topic.”

  “Do you think Erik has any good-looking single friends?”

  Sheldon laughed. “That’s not changing the subject.”

  “Sure it is. I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about me now. Anyone he could set me up with?”

  Sheldon shook her head. “We haven’t talked much about his friends other than they all live in Baltimore for the most part and are doctors.”

  “That’s fine. I could handle that.”

  She laughed. Melissa was exactly what she needed this morning and she started to wonder why she spent so much time losing herself in make believe rather than getting out and living life more.

  ***

  Sheldon was just getting ready to leave for her errands when her mother called her. She wanted to send it to voicemail, but Melissa had put her in too good of a mood to do it. To rely on avoidance.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Sheldon. I didn’t think you’d pick up.”

  “Do you want me to hang up?” she asked.

  “No. Please don’t. I want us to talk. I want us to have our relationship back the way it was.”

  “That can’t happen. I can’t believe you could even think that.” Was her mother smoking crack that Sheldon didn’t know about? Losing her mind? Practicing avoidance like they’d both mastered their whole lives?

  There was silence on the other end. Answering this call was a mistake. She knew that now. “Can we meet to talk?”

  “I’ve got plans today.”

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “Plans then, too.”

  Her mother was silent again. “Are you going to give me a chance to explain?”

  “You already did. You had a bad relationship with Rich. Fine. I get it. I saw the type of person he was. But you slept with a married man.”

  “I’m not the first person to do that.”

  “Nope. You’re right there too. Even then, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal except for the way you’ve always been about men. That they’d done something to you all the time.”

  “But they have.”

  “Please,” Sheldon said. “Get over yourself. You’re just as much to blame. Rich was an ass. Again, fine. I get it. But you made the choice to lie to him and say you were pregnant with his kid. And whoever this guy is that got you pregnant, you made the choice to not tell him. But you could have told me. You could have been honest with me.”

  “I couldn’t tell you if they didn’t know. You have no idea how hard it was to live with this secret.”

  “Harder than it is for me to try to figure out if my whole life has been a lie? That I have no clue what my identity is?”

  “You know who you are, Sheldon. You don’t need a father to know your identity. Nor has your whole life been a lie. That’s kind of harsh.”

  Sheldon laughed. “I stand corrected. Just a part of my life has been a lie. As for my identity. You know what? You’re right. I do know who I am. I’m someone who is going to stop listening to other’s opinions and form them myself.”

  “So you’re telling me to keep my opinions to myself going forward?”

  “You know what, Mom? You can do what you want. I’ve realized that you do anyway. I’m just sorry I’m only seeing it now.”

  Super Strong

  “Sounds like you had an interesting day yesterday,” Erik said, reaching in and grabbing a carrot stick she was cutting. He liked that they were getting into a habit of cooking dinner together. It felt homey and...more. But he didn’t risk voicing those thoughts or words and scaring her away. She’d had a rough couple of weeks and he was treading carefully.

  They were at his house tonight, always taking turns there too.

  She snorted adorably, reminding him of the first time he’d met her. How his first thought was cute and adorable. “That’s putting it mildly.”

  “So now what? What’s going to happen with you and your mother?”

  He was happy she stuck up for herself. That she wasn’t closing herself off and trying to pretend none of this was happening. That the outside world didn’t exist when she didn’t want it to.

  “I don’t know. I talked to her. She’ll probably wait a few days to contact me again. That’s how she is when she’s angry.”

  “What does she have to be angry about?” he asked. It seemed no one was taking Sheldon’s feelings into consideration. She was the one that got shit on this whole time.

  “I have no clue. She feels like she’s the victim here. She’s always been that way.”

  He debated telling her about Rich but figured he should. He didn’t want any secrets. “I know Rich isn’t your father. Or you don’t think so. But he sent me an email today.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I had asked him to send me any additional medical information he could. This was before. I wanted to gather everything I could so that you and I could talk about it. I can’t very well tell him not to now.”

  “I’m surprised he did. What exactly did he send you?”

  “Not much. Just an email that he was failing now. That they had called in hospice and that he asked that all his medical records be released for me to look over.”

  She stopped chopping the vegetables for their salad. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I should do anything.”

  “There’s nothing for you to do. I just wanted you to know. There isn’t much for me to do either. I can take that information and just destroy it. No reason for him to know anything else.”

  “No. He doesn’t have much time left. Knowing that I’m not his daughter isn’t going to change anything.”

  “That was my feeling. He thinks he’s doing the right thing. Let him have that peace before he dies.”

  She turned to look at him. “I don’t know what to feel right now. We’ve never been close. I don’t have a lot of fond memories of him. Nothing other than we lived in the same house for twelve years. I tried so hard to get his attention and never did.”

  “It hurt, didn’t it?” he asked.

  “Yeah. I’ve never said that before. I always wondered what was wrong with me.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

  “I still can’t wipe out the fact that I thought he was my father for my whole life. Knowing what I know for the last two weeks doesn’t change that. We may not have a blood relation, but there’s still a bond. A pretty weak dysfunctional one. But I’ve got his name. He supported me financially. I guess it’s really not much different than adoption.”

  He smiled and walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Not much different at all. Blood doesn’t make a family. Emotions do. Feelings do. Love does.”

  “There wasn’t much of that with him or in my house at all.”

  “You had it with your mother,” he said.

  “I did. I suppose you could say she made up for Rich as much as she could. Still, why lie to everyone?”

  “You’d have to ask her that yourself. All you and I can do is guess. She told you she was scared and alone. People make bad choices in those situations.”

  “I suppose. That doesn’t excuse anything though.”

  “No. It doesn’t.” He turned her around and put his lips to hers. “You’re pretty sexy standing here cooking dinner for me. Like you’re taking care of your man.”

  She burst out laughing. “You’re so good about getting me to laugh. About taking my mind off of things when I need it the most. When I don’t even know that I need it.”

  He picked the knife up she’d put down and started to help her with dinner. “I’d say we’re pretty good for each other.”

  She stopped and stared at him. He looked back at her, his heart racing, waiting for her to say something. Anything. He’d been waiting for weeks for her to give any indication that what she felt for him was what he felt for her. Even if it was an ounce of what he felt,
it was more than she had before.

  “I think we are.”

  ***

  Sheldon smiled, looking at Erik’s eyes. How did he always know what to say and what to do to tug at her heartstrings? Strings she didn’t even know she had. And instead of those strings being made of licorice that could break or melt away in the heat, they were made of carbon fiber. Lightweight and super strong.

  “I can make you feel even better,” he said, nuzzling her neck.

  He was always doing things like this. Romantic things. Lighting candles, holding her hand. Carrying her to bed. Soft little touches on her body. Things that she never thought were real. Or were maybe false. But now she knew otherwise.

  “You always do.”

  He lifted her and sat her butt on his counter, then stepped between her legs. “Want to dirty up my kitchen?”

  She started to laugh and then froze. That sounded pretty familiar. Really familiar. Like a scene in one of her books. “Where is that coming from?”

  He stepped back and grinned, his hands sliding up her thighs. “I don’t know. You always wear these tight little clothes around me. You walk into a room and I think to myself, ‘I’ve got to get my hands on her. I’ve got to make her mine.’”

  Her heart was racing like it always did when he said things like that. Sweet things. Perfect things. “How many of my books have you read?”

  “Most of them. Why?”

  “How come?” she asked, sliding off the counter, giving them some distance.

  “Because we’re dating and you’re a good writer. I’m proud of that. I’ve never told anyone though. Is that a problem?”

  “Are you really like this in real life?”

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, frowning.

  “I’ve said it before. You’re too good to be true. I tell Melissa that all the time.”

  “Thanks,” he said, smiling and reaching for her.

  She sidestepped him. “Hands off. We’re talking.”

  “You can talk when my hands are on you.”