Between Friends

by Amanda Cowen

  I scan my surroundings, and notice we are the only two people tucked away in the dark corner of the bar area. This is when my worry sets in. Not because I am not interested in seeing what Steven’s gorgeously plush lips taste like, but because frankly I am not ready for this type of PDA. Oh God, he is leaning in, he is going to try and kiss me! I tilt my head down and pretend to be mesmerized in the ice cubes clinking around in my drink, but Steven persists. I feel his fingers gently tilt my chin up to meet his gaze and I want to yank myself away, but I can’t.

  I close my eyes in anticipation of Steven’s lips locking with mine, and…

  WHACK!!!

  Steven is ripped away with a whoosh of air, coupled with simultaneous screams and shouts. I jerk my eyes open and see him scrunched up on the floor in the fetal position. He is shouting out in pain, and everything is moving in slow motion. I look up confused and watch Jessica screaming at the top of her lungs at something/someone behind me. I whip around and see Ben shaking out his clenched fist with Michael holding him back against the bar. I turn back to Jessica surrounded by her family while Steven’s brother Dave helps him to his feet. Steven has a huge red shiner around his left eye, and then it dawns on me. I am mortified. Ben just sucker punched Steven.

  “What the hell was that Ben?” Jessica shrieks for the fifth time as I watch a vein pop out of her forehead, “Megan! What is going on?”

  Jessica and Michael’s family are staring at Ben and I with looks of horror. Jessica’s mother is completely disgusted and shakes her head. I feel ill when Stephanie and Michelle forcefully place their hands on their hips and wait for my response. I look back at Ben red with rage and he locks his pain stricken eyes with mine. I feel myself begin to shake. Everyone’s eyes are on us, but neither of us has a response.

  “Don’t even tell me you two are sleeping together!” Jessica shouts, stating the obvious.

  “I knew it!” Michelle shrieks.

  “Ewe!” Stephanie adds covering her big mouth with her hand.

  “Well are you?” Jessica shouts.

  Our shameful silence only solidifies everyone’s suspicions.

  “I can’t believe you two.” Jessica says with tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Jessica I am so sorry…” I cry.

  “Don’t even!” she shouts cutting me off. She begins to tremble as the tears roll down her cheeks, “You hide this from me? You let me set you up with my cousin? Then Ben punches him in the face? At my wedding! Both of you get the hell out of here! You ruined everything! GET OUT!”

  Michael releases Ben who doesn’t dare look back at me, or anyone else for that matter. He storms out of the hall while I stand there frozen, wishing I could rewind everything. The look on Jessica’s face is enough to bring me to tears. They well up in the corner of my eyes and I choke back the humiliation. I think how Jessica has waited for this day her whole life. She wished and prayed for it to be as flawless as her ivory skin, but now it is anything but and everything is ruined.

  “Jessica, please. I am so sorry.” I grovel, but Eric grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me out of the hall with tears rolling down my cheeks.

  I slump down on the cement walkway outside, and yank myself free from Eric’s grasp. He peers down at me with an awful look of disappointment splashed across his face. It reminds me of a look my mother once gave me when she unexpectedly came home for lunch one afternoon in the ninth grade and caught Jessica and I skipping class to catch up on a few missed episodes of the OC (compliments of Michelle who taped every single episode due to a slightly crazy Seth obsession).

  “Jessica is never going to forgive either of you for this.” Eric says shaking his head.

  “What…the… hell… was Ben… thinking?” I choke between sobs, “When you…go …back in…tell Steven…I am so …sorry.”

  Eric flops down beside me and wraps his arm around me, “Eventually everything is going to be okay, but right now -”

  “No it’s not.” I wail, “Everything is ruined! Jessica will never talk to me again!”

  Eric hugs me a bit tighter, “How long has this been going on?”

  “The night before we left” I whimper, finally feeling my tears begin to settle.

  “That sly son-of-a-bitch.” Eric laughs.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask

  “Well, you guys have been dancing around crossing the friend line since the tenth grade. It’s about time.” He snorts.

  “That’s not true.” I shout crossing my arms in front of my chest. Now feeling betrayed by Eric too.

  “Come on Megan, I see the way you two look at each other. We all do. You guys even act like a couple.” Eric says releasing me from his hug.

  “That’s because we were best friends. Not because we liked each other.” I wail, “Besides, I never wanted any of this! I was happy how we were. He’s the one that started it!”

  I wait for Eric to say something more, but he only stares back at me with skepticism, as if he doesn’t believe for a second I was opposed to Ben’s charming good looks. I guess I expected him to be more understanding and sympathetic to my circumstance. I know I am to blame, but I do not want to admit it. That is why I didn’t turn down his coin toss that night. Drunk or not, I secretly hoped it landed on heads. I wanted Ben more than I let myself believe. I feel anger welling up inside of me, “Well he slept with Stephanie too!”

  “Whoa…what does that have to do with anything?” Eric calmly asks.

  “They kept it a secret from all of us.” I defensively shout trying to pull Eric on my side.

  “That’s no secret. I knew they slept together.” Eric laughs, “Stephanie practically raped him that night after the party you held at your place.”

  “Great.” I sigh.

  “Ben’s been with a lot of girls, you know that.” Eric says, and if this is his attempt to try and make me feel better, it isn’t working.

  “Yeah exactly, he’s a player, and I’ve been played.” I snort throwing my head into my hands.

  “Stop the dramatics Megan.” Eric laughs and continues, “Have you ever seen Ben ever get that upset over a girl, ever?”

  I pause and think hard, but I can’t come up with anything, “He just can’t handle hearing the word no, and I am just the first girl to ever to say it.”

  Eric rolls his eyes and rises to his feet, “Believe what you will. Come on. I’ll walk you back to your room.”

  “No, it’s okay. I think I want to walk alone.” I say wiping away a few residual tears and pull off my ridiculous heels.

  “Are you sure?” Eric asks raising his brow.

  “Positive.” I say, when he gives me meager hug of pity.

  As soon as I hit the sheets, I break down. The tears burn my cheeks, and my silent heaves of agony are never ending. I can’t get the look on Jessica’s face out of my mind. It was compiled of three of all the worst emotions: disgust, betrayal and anger.

  All of this eats me alive. How am I ever going to make this up to her? How is she ever going to forgive me? I have gone from the best maid-of-honor to every bride’s nightmare. I can already see Jessica retelling this story to her new clique of suburbia housewives:

  So not only did she lie to me about sleeping with Ben, she humiliated me by letting me set her up with my more than perfect cousin. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Ben ruined my whole wedding by punching my sweet cousin in the face and revealed their dirty little secret and embarrassed me in front of my whole family. They ruined my big day! Can you believe the nerve of her? After all these years?

  I slam my head into the pillow and scream. Damn my shit luck. This is why I don’t do relationships! This is why I play by the goddamn rules and this is why I am blatantly neurotic. What in the world was I thinking tonight? Honestly, when I look back at how I acted, I was just a selfish fool. Not only did Jessica and Michael deserve better from me. But Steven deserved the truth.

  If I thought I hated Ben before when I found out he slept with Stephanie, nothing compares to ho
w much I hate him now for humiliating me and ruining the wedding. I curl up into a ball under the covers, still in my bridesmaid dress with trails of mascara streaking down my cheeks. I think of my mother, alone and miserable all these years. Is that what my life has come down to? Should I just go out and buy a bunch of cats and take up knitting as a hobby, because I feel like I am one step away from completely losing my mind. Whoever said friends with benefits would work was so wrong. This is way more painful than any other breakup I have ever experienced, and we weren’t even dating! I close my eyes and take a deep breath, feeling the most alone I have ever felt in my whole entire life.

  Chapter 19

  “If I were you, I wouldn’t even think of coming to the day after party.” Michelle advises me the following morning in a quiet hush.

  “Won’t that make things worse?” I sigh and pull on my shorts.

  She glances into the bathroom and makes sure Stephanie is still wrapped up in applying her morning face, while brutalizing a Madonna classic with her tone-deaf voice. Michelle fiddles with a strand of her hair and bites her bottom lip, “You know I want to help you Megan, but Jessica and Michael are really pissed. You don’t want to ruin their day after party too.”

  Unlike Stephanie, Michelle has secretly been sympathetic to my circumstance from last night. As soon as Stephanie hit the shower, she broke down and told me everything Jessica had said once I left the reception. She even revealed, that Jessica has forbidden them from speaking with me. Of course Stephanie is on board with Jessica’s wishes, which is no surprise to me since every time Jessica and I have ever had a remote difference of opinion, she would immediately become Team Jessica no matter what.

  Then Michelle makes a point of telling me she knows that Ben’s behavior last night was not at all my fault, and she tried to tell Jessica that. Of course Jessica refused to agree, and said she couldn’t believe I hid sleeping with Ben from her. When I try to explain to Michelle my side of the story, she silences me by waving her hand in my face. She finally reveals that Jessica said it wasn’t my lying about Ben that she can’t forgive. It is how I intentionally led on Steven and embarrassed both of them in front of their whole entire family.

  I become welled up with remorse and ask Michelle if she thinks I am an awful person. She confesses she understood why I hid what was going on, and insists I am far from awful. She even admits she thinks Jessica has taken everything a little too far. But right away she makes me promise I won’t tell anyone that we spoke. Michelle is worried that if Stephanie got wind of her Team Megan stance, she would rat her out to Jessica and only add unnecessary fuel to the fire.

  “What should I do then? Find Jessica later and talk to her in private? We leave tomorrow on the same flight. She can’t avoid me forever.” I say and flop down on the sofa in misery.

  “Do you love him?” Michelle asks ignoring my questions all together. She leans against the desk with a curious glimmer in her eyes, and tosses her hair up into a bun.

  “Forget about Ben” I whisper and roll my eyes, “What should I do about Jessica?”

  “Forget about Jessica.” She teases, “It’s a simple question. Do you love him or not?”

  I am not sure why I am scared to admit it out loud, but I think it’s because once I actually verbalize my feelings they will either sound absolutely ridiculous, or frighteningly real. I am petrified to tap into those deep dormant emotions, because I know exactly how I feel about Ben, despite how badly I am trying to fight it. Because even though I told him I wanted him out of my life for good, the truth is that I am terrified of my life without him. No matter how much I try to deny my feelings, I love Ben, I always have and I always will.

  “Yes” I mumble, unable to look up at Michelle.

  “Sorry I can’t hear you.” I hear a smirk shine through her voice.

  “Yes okay, I love him.” I hiss.

  “What the hell are you doing then? Why are you sitting around here worrying about Jessica and Michael? They will forgive you. Maybe not today, but soon enough, and right now, you and Ben need to fix your shit.”

  “But Michelle, it’s not that easy” I whine slouching further into the sofa like a three year old child being scolded by their mother.

  “So you are just going to let him go? So he can go out and have more meaningless sex with girls like Stephanie?” Michelle asks tapping her foot on the floor.

  “Maybe that is all he wants! Maybe that is all I was to him too!”

  “Ben would never do that to you, he worships you.” Michelle chuckles.

  “Oh please.” I say rolling my eyes, “Yeah, he worships me as a friend who drinks beers with him over a Blackhawks game on a Thursday night.”

  “Go and find him right now. You need to give him an ultimatum. You are either together for real, or you’re nothing at all.” Michelle commands and walks over to me. She yanks me up off the sofa and shoves me towards the door.

  “Michelle no – “ my voice quivers.

  “Do you want to lose him forever?” She asks.

  “I don’t know what I want!” I cry brushing my loose strands of hair to the side.

  “Megan, stop it!” Michelle shouts gripping me by the shoulders, “Stand up for yourself goddammit. Tell Ben how you really feel and don’t let this get any worse than it already is. Take it from me. You do not want to be like Matthew and I. Jealous fights, break-ups, make-ups, cheating on our partners, never saying how we really feel, it’s a nightmare. But unlike us, I think you and Ben actually have a chance. You guys have something real. You always have and always will. Do not let him go. You will be sorry.”

  I am shocked and elated by Michelle’s words of wisdom. She is right. If I love Ben, I cannot lose him. I deserve to know what this was to him. I need to find out the truth about what happened between him and Stephanie, and I need to find out if he loves me the way I love him. Maybe it needed to come down to this, and maybe everything needed to blow up in my face for me to realize that I wholeheartedly love him. All I can hope is that after everything, he loves me too.

  When Stephanie’s rendition of “Vogue” comes to a screeching halt, Michelle thrusts me through the doorway. She gives me a final salute and slams the door on my face leaving me all alone in the hot and humid air. So I run. I run as fast as I can to Ben’s villa with sweat trickling from my brow and welling up under my armpits. My hair flying through the wind and tangling up as it flings from side to side. Once I get to his door, I am out of breath and my heart is pounding out of my chest, beating in my ears. I wait for my hand to knock on the door, but suddenly I am not that brave Megan from a few seconds ago. I am the weak and feeble Megan that wants to slowly tip toe away and forget this ever happened. But I tell myself I cannot be that girl anymore. I need to do this for my own sanity and a real chance at happiness. I raise my shaky hand and make a tiny fist that gently raps three little knocks. I hold my breath forgetting to breathe air into my lungs. I hear the door unlock, only to reveal Matthew half naked with a towel around his waist and sopping wet hair.

  “Where’s Ben?” I ask as my fingers tremble.

  Matthew rubs the side of his face and looks at me with pitiful eyes, “Oh Megan, I don’t know how to tell you this...”

  “What?’ I shout feeling a lump form in my throat.

  “Ben left this morning.”

  “He what?” I say feeling my jaw drop to the floor.

  “Yeah, he took off back to Chicago.” Matthew sighs running his fingers tensely through his hair.

  “Did he say anything?” I finally muster as Eric appears behind Matthew.

  “He didn’t say much. He just packed his things and told us he changed his flight for this morning. He left about an hour ago.” Mathew shrugs and bites his lower lip.

  Eric gives me a silent look of sympathy that only makes me feel a million times worse. Tears start to well up in my eyes and my lips begin to quiver.

  “Why would he leave?” I stammer.

  Eric begins answering me, but nothing
is making sense. Everything is blurred and muffled as I look up at both of them in a daze. I can feel my heart racing and my breathing quicken. I try to speak, but I can’t, because I’m pretty sure my heart has just exploded in my chest. I try to move my feet, but they are like giant cinderblocks screwed to the floor. Eric is waving his hand in front of my spaced out face, and when I look into his green eyes framed by his long blonde lashes I cave into his chest and let out heaving sobs of misery.

  I have never in all my life, EVER cried like this over a guy. Sure, I let out a few cries over Marco, and sure there were a few tears that trickled for Donny. But have I ever wept to the point of silent-cries-that-choke-up-your-throat-and-even-make-the-most-beautiful-people-turn-ugly? No. Not on your life, and I can’t believe that every one of these shameful sobs are over Ben’s decision to leave.

  I pull away from Eric, sucking back the tears from continuing to fall down my cheeks. I am overcome with emotion I don’t fully understand. I am angry with Ben for leaving, but I am mostly mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought by being closed off and guarded I was protecting myself, but really all I did was push Ben to his breaking point.

  In every relationship I have ever been in, whether it was Marco, Will, or Donny, not one of them ever stood a chance. I was my own worst enemy and never let anyone of them get too close. In the end, they all ended things with me because I just could not open up. Just like Ben. They had enough of dealing with my insecurities. For some reason, I could never accept that someone, especially someone like Ben would ever love me. But by him choosing to leave without saying goodbye - enough said. I have done it again. I have pushed him away and I have lost him forever.